rabiosa20 Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 My boyfriend lives in Colombia and I live in the United States. He's 22 and I'm 17. We were introduced by a friend but we've never met in person. We've been together for a little over a month. Now that the facts are out of the way, I'm having a lot of trouble with it. We skype every day and he's really sweet to me. He's always telling me he loves me and that I'm beautiful and he really does make me happy, but I just can't seem to trust him. At the first sight of any small sign of disaffection, I immediately start jumping to conclusions, thinking that he's cheating on me, he doesn't want to be with me anymore, etc., when he's really just in a bad mood or doing homework or something. It's been happening a lot lately and I feel like I'm ruining our relationship with my paranoia. Whenever I bring it up to him, he gets really down. He doesn't like that I'm doubting his love and I don't blame him. Deep down, I know he would never cheat on me or do anything to hurt me. I don't know why I can't get myself to truly trust him. Has anyone else had this problem?
wild_urge Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 you are 17, you've been together for a month, he loves you ? This seems really childish and that's because you are a child. Find someone that lives near you, you'll be much happier. I would never believe that someone I have never met and whom I know for only a month loves me, if you believe that it's only because you are inexperienced. You can't trust him? What is there to trust? Again, you've only been "together" for a month, you've never met him. . . it just seems silly to me to even talk about trust. Seriously, everyone is going to tell you that you should find someone who lives near you. This is one of these things that people tell you about, that you'll understand when you grow up and now I'm sure it sounds stupid to you, but you will see later on it was true. Plus, all the people that are here on these forum are not in LDR because they were just looking for somebody, they either had to separate form their loved ones or they have been in contact for a long time and then they met/ will meet that special person. LDR are really hard, it's no fun at all, trust me.
Author rabiosa20 Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 you are 17, you've been together for a month, he loves you ? This seems really childish and that's because you are a child. Find someone that lives near you, you'll be much happier. I would never believe that someone I have never met and whom I know for only a month loves me, if you believe that it's only because you are inexperienced. You can't trust him? What is there to trust? Again, you've only been "together" for a month, you've never met him. . . it just seems silly to me to even talk about trust. Seriously, everyone is going to tell you that you should find someone who lives near you. This is one of these things that people tell you about, that you'll understand when you grow up and now I'm sure it sounds stupid to you, but you will see later on it was true. Plus, all the people that are here on these forum are not in LDR because they were just looking for somebody, they either had to separate form their loved ones or they have been in contact for a long time and then they met/ will meet that special person. LDR are really hard, it's no fun at all, trust me. I get that it seems stupid to you and I really can't blame you. I am a child and I'm not necessarily looking for true love or anything. I have dated a few guys that live near me, but it never turns out well. They end up cheating on me or our relationship just kind of fades away. I'm ready for something different. You may think it's too early, but I really like him. He makes me actually feel wanted and loved. And it's not like I just met him a month ago. We've been talking for over a year and he's become my best friend. Also, I don't really get what you mean about trusting him being "silly." Trust is needed in any relationship, romantic or not. To be honest, I personally don't believe in the whole "young love" thing. It annoys me to no end when I see people at my school making out in the hall and telling each other they love them. I believe in the potential for love at a young age, but I realize that people have to grow and get to know each other before love is truly possible.
HeavenOrHell Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Hi I think wild_urge meant it's a bit premature to talk/think about trust with someone you've not met yet, also from your first post it seemed you'd only been talking online for a month, so it just seemed like early days to be thinking seriously about things, but you've been talking a year, so that's different. Trust is so important in all r/ships. You sound mature for a 17 year old Have you talked to each other about being exclusive to each other, are you an established couple with plans to meet as soon as you can? I always say no-one knows for sure that they will click as partners when they meet face to face, it's pretty much unknown until then, although no reason why you won't click as partners if you've been yourself with each other online/webcam and on the phone, seen and heard each other a lot before you met, but still don't know if you'll have that chemistry until you meet. I would meet as soon as you can, build some solid bonds, as you put it perfectly > I believe in the potential for love at a young age, but I realize that people have to grow and get to know each other before love is truly possible < If he's right for you, and things work out when well you meet, then trust will grow, it's just easier once you've met them. But it sounds like he's given you no reason to not trust him, try not to let insecurity take hold. I get that it seems stupid to you and I really can't blame you. I am a child and I'm not necessarily looking for true love or anything. I have dated a few guys that live near me, but it never turns out well. They end up cheating on me or our relationship just kind of fades away. I'm ready for something different. You may think it's too early, but I really like him. He makes me actually feel wanted and loved. And it's not like I just met him a month ago. We've been talking for over a year and he's become my best friend. Also, I don't really get what you mean about trusting him being "silly." Trust is needed in any relationship, romantic or not. To be honest, I personally don't believe in the whole "young love" thing. It annoys me to no end when I see people at my school making out in the hall and telling each other they love them. I believe in the potential for love at a young age, but I realize that people have to grow and get to know each other before love is truly possible.
Author rabiosa20 Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Hi I think wild_urge meant it's a bit premature to talk/think about trust with someone you've not met yet, also from your first post it seemed you'd only been talking online for a month, so it just seemed like early days to be thinking seriously about things, but you've been talking a year, so that's different. Trust is so important in all r/ships. You sound mature for a 17 year old Have you talked to each other about being exclusive to each other, are you an established couple with plans to meet as soon as you can? I always say no-one knows for sure that they will click as partners when they meet face to face, it's pretty much unknown until then, although no reason why you won't click as partners if you've been yourself with each other online/webcam and on the phone, seen and heard each other a lot before you met, but still don't know if you'll have that chemistry until you meet. I would meet as soon as you can, build some solid bonds, as you put it perfectly > I believe in the potential for love at a young age, but I realize that people have to grow and get to know each other before love is truly possible < If he's right for you, and things work out when well you meet, then trust will grow, it's just easier once you've met them. But it sounds like he's given you no reason to not trust him, try not to let insecurity take hold. Thank you. I like to think I'm pretty mature. We've been talking about me going to Colombia this summer or him coming to visit me in college, but I'm not sure if that's going to work out. My mom's strictly against me going to Colombia and we're not sure if he'll be able to get a visa. I understand that the chemistry isn't guaranteed and that this might not work out, but we're both willing to stick it out until that happens. I know I should trust him and things have been a lot better this week. He's definitely reassured me that he wants to make this work. Thanks for the help!
january2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I think there's a lot of blind faith in relationships, particularly LDRs. As you know, this is something you have to work on for yourself and most likely there is nothing he can do other than to remain consistent in his words and behaviour to reinforce his feelings. With time and experience, you will learn to silence the inner voices if they are unreasonable. Time and experience will hopefully give you the wisdom to know the difference.
creighton0123 Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Thank you. I like to think I'm pretty mature. We've been talking about me going to Colombia this summer or him coming to visit me in college, but I'm not sure if that's going to work out. My mom's strictly against me going to Colombia and we're not sure if he'll be able to get a visa. I understand that the chemistry isn't guaranteed and that this might not work out, but we're both willing to stick it out until that happens. I know I should trust him and things have been a lot better this week. He's definitely reassured me that he wants to make this work. Thanks for the help! Understandably so. Columbia has a reputation of not being the nicest place for foreigners. Since Columbia is not a part of the Visa-Waiver program, he will need to have the following before applying for a visitor visa: 1. A travel to and return from airline ticket showing that he has paid for the whole round trip. 2. Evidence of funds to provide for expenses while on American soil - food, hotel, etc. etc. 3. Destinations in mind including addresses of hotels/hostels he will be staying at. 4. Evidence of social/economic ties in Columbia (family, household expenses and obligations, source of employment that is easily verified). 5. Evidence of residence in Columbia. The current wait time for a tourist visa interview at the Colombian consulate is around 3 days with an additional 1 day waiting period for processing afterwards. It's also suggested that he bring with him all the proper documentation including immunization records If your SO has everything listed above AND does not have a criminal record, a tourist visa should not be a problem... unless he's a Communist, of course. I agree with the others, though. The two of you are moving way too quickly, especially considering that in many states you still are legally defined as a minor.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 26, 2011 Posted September 26, 2011 Rabiosa, how many boys have you dated here that cheated on you? The way you make it sound, you will never be able to see each other. If youre content with a skype relationship, thats great. Do you know the reasons those other guys cheated on you? You have to find that out before you date anybody or it will keep happening. You already have trust issues, you will never be able to relax with a guy from columbia, that you will never get to see, especially if hes 4 years older than you. You really do need to work a little harder to find a boy that is 17 like you, has your same experience in dating so you can trust him.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 My boyfriend lives in Colombia and I live in the United States. He's 22 and I'm 17. We were introduced by a friend but we've never met in person. We've been together for a little over a month. Now that the facts are out of the way, I'm having a lot of trouble with it. We skype every day and he's really sweet to me. He's always telling me he loves me and that I'm beautiful and he really does make me happy, but I just can't seem to trust him. At the first sight of any small sign of disaffection, I immediately start jumping to conclusions, thinking that he's cheating on me, he doesn't want to be with me anymore, etc., when he's really just in a bad mood or doing homework or something. It's been happening a lot lately and I feel like I'm ruining our relationship with my paranoia. Whenever I bring it up to him, he gets really down. He doesn't like that I'm doubting his love and I don't blame him. Deep down, I know he would never cheat on me or do anything to hurt me. I don't know why I can't get myself to truly trust him. Has anyone else had this problem? Whatever you do, do NOT let him view you in anything less than your being fully clothed!!! (heaven knows what the law might let him do with pictures or videos taken of you - at least in the U.S. they would be illegal) Also, consider that, in SOME U.S. states, were he 'here' with you, he would be considered a criminal for the sexual contact he would very likely want from you. The scenario can't be all bad, unless you are easily manipulated and coerced, because it may occupy you long enough to let you steer clear of some dramatic interactions with males in your real life. At the very least, use this relationship as a means through which to learn a whole lot more about yourself.
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