Author torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Disclosing important personal boundaries, which are in no way binding upon him, is something I consider healthy. I tolerate smoking, and have numerous friends who do smoke, but I could never be married to someone who regularly does. I'd have no problems couching my boundary in exactly those terms. Since for myself, I'm 'marriage-minded', I don't do casual relationships so the person would be disclosed as to that boundary as well. We're all adults and have choices. Hmm. I'll consider this. But I guess I don't see how telling him wouldn't do more harm than good? If he starts smoking again I'll have to break up with him whether he knows ahead of time or not, and I doubt my telling him will make him more likely to abstain. If I had brought it up at the beginning, it would have made more sense, but now I worry it will just add unnecessary pressure and stress with this ultimatum hanging in the air.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) Yes yes yes. He's a bit sensitive by temperament, but this isn't a trait that bothers me unless it turns into something aggressive or controlling -- which he's never been. Emotional sensitivity is sort of the downside of another quality I like about him -- how perceptive and attuned he is to the world around him, which makes him an exceptional conversationalist. I agree with Carhill that it's best to table this until we meet. It could be a red flag, or it could be nothing. I won't really know until we meet. Edited September 20, 2011 by torn_curtain
carhill Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Thanks, I neglected to mention that nuance. I only discuss personal boundaries face to face, and recommend it, but understand technology has blurred that line, like with video-conferencing and similar. I still think such issues are best discussed in person. If you find him, in person, to continue on in a similar vein which impelled this thread, then IMO sharing your personal boundaries regarding any issues important to yourself would be in order, not as an inquisition but rather as a heartfelt disclosure of how you feel. Such interaction, IME, either builds intimacy or impels distance. Either is a potential. Whatever happens is the truth at that point in time.
country_gurl Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Because smoking is an admitted 'deal-breaker' for you such that you would admittedly break-up with him if he regressed, don't you really think it's only fair and right to let him know before he spends his time and money coming to meet you?
thatone Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Wow. I knew nicotine was ridiculously addictive but had no clue it had such a dramatic affect on mood. it has an instant calming effect. and since it's taken orally, it's an excuse to pause in conversation, for a sort of double whammy. you take a drag, calm yourself, collect your thoughts, and then say what you were going to say. yeah, it's pretty powerful. i haven't tried to quit yet, but it's a long term deal breaker with my gf as well. trying the electronic options now (bloog) and if i can find a flavor i like i could actually see using those. you might recommend those to your bf if he hasn't tried them. it's not a bad compromise in the mean time. it looks like a cigarette, but it's just water with nicotine in it, a battery heats up the water making vapor, so you get the effect of smoking, but without all of the side effects since there's no 'smoke' per se.
FrustratedStandards Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Yeah, we're committed/exclusive to each other. I know there's some inherent risk involved in that, but we'll be meeting in a few weeks so hopefully things work out in person. If this is how he reacts to a simple picture, you should be wary about actually meeting him. This is a red flag.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) I get this weird vibe that he's a very insecure and controlling person. That the thought of you having been with someone else in the past enrages him. That it's something that he'll obsess about because in his mind, you're now his 'property.' A stable man (I'm assuming he's an adult?) simply would not request to see a pic of a woman's ex, ask her if she "f*****" him, then have a pseudo-meltdown such that he needed a cig. There's just a huge creepy factor there, at least to me. Another way of putting it is that his reaction seems really disproportionate to the situation, him getting to upset that he was threatening to start smoking again. Sounds like a bit of a loose cannon/drama queen to me. He's 25. Yeah, for some reason this whole interaction didn't bother me. I'm simply not having the kind of response to it that a lot of people in this thread are. It's partly a contextual thing. I think the whole conversations sounds worse if you don't understand how we interact: we tend to be very direct with each other (we're both blunt by nature) and we also share a lot of our thoughts so I don't think he was threatening me with the smoking thing, just thinking out loud. I guess emotional sensitivity doesn't bother me in a partner? There are a lot of traits I avoid like the plague but that isn't one of them. As long as it doesn't turn into a real problem, and it hasn't yet. I've never felt like he's been controlling or disrespectful with me, and we resolve conflict extremely well. Again, we'll see how things play out when we meet. Edited September 20, 2011 by torn_curtain
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Yeah, for some reason this whole interaction didn't bother me. If it were as much a non-issue as you are now trying to portray it ... You certainly would never have started a thread about it. It, just like thousands upon thousands of other nuances of the interactions between you, would have just gone like water under the bridge. I guess emotional sensitivity doesn't bother me in a partner? The exchange you shared does not illustrate "emotional sensitivity." Whatever it illustrates, evidently you have decided you're fine with it.
eerie_reverie Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I know you like this guy and he's perfect in your mind, but the "Did you fcvk him" comment would have really rubbed me the wrong way. It is extremely judgemental and controlling and his overblown emotional reaction to it was immature and irrational. Did you tell him about your past pregnancies? I'd be curious as to how he took that.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 I know you like this guy and he's perfect in your mind, but the "Did you fcvk him" comment would have really rubbed me the wrong way. It is extremely judgemental and controlling and his overblown emotional reaction to it was immature and irrational. Did you tell him about your past pregnancies? I'd be curious as to how he took that. I definitely don't see him as being perfect. I agree that comment was immature but I just don't see it as that big of a deal in the larger context of his personality. He's never acted jealous before. I think he just lacks a filter. If it became a pattern then I would definitely have a problem with it. Yeah, he knows about my past pregnancies and when I told him about them he was extremely supportive and compassionate. He couldn't believe that both of my exes were so absent when I was going through that.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 If it were as much a non-issue as you are now trying to portray it ... You certainly would never have started a thread about it. It, just like thousands upon thousands of other nuances of the interactions between you, would have just gone like water under the bridge. The exchange you shared does not illustrate "emotional sensitivity." Whatever it illustrates, evidently you have decided you're fine with it. I started the thread not because his comment bothered me but because I couldn't understand why seeing the photo gave him the urge to smoke. It was really bizarre to me, but now it makes sense after hearing the experiences of other smokers/ex-smokers. I don't know what the whole interaction illustrates but whatever it does it's not enough for me to make a judgment at this point. As I wrote before, if it became a pattern I'd be more concerned.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Upon reflection there is one thing about his personality that gives me pause, but this isn't it. I don't really want to make a judgment on that trait until we meet, though. I know I have a tendency to oscillate between valuing and devaluing so I want to be sure I'm not being unreasonably picky or sabotaging our relationship as I have with some past boyfriends.
spiderowl Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Sounds like he was jealous and felt inadequate in comparison and therefore stressed. Presumably he wanted to smoke to relieve the stressed feeling. I think I'd have found his reaction weird and creepy. I might be wrong, but to me he sounds like an ex smoker who is going to take it up again sooner or later (and I wouldn't want that). His comment sounds like a threat - sort of "if you stress me out, I'm likely to start smoking again". There's just something about it I didn't like. His reaction was all about him - how he felt, how he wanted to react. There was no empathy for you at all. I wouldn't expect any guy to be particularly happy at seeing an ex, but it's something most would keep to themselves and shrug off if they could.
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