torn_curtain Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 (edited) This isn't something that I'm worrying about or obsessing over, but I was just curious if other people could help explain my boyfriend's odd reaction in a conversation we were having. A little background. My boyfriend used to be a smoker but quit about 6 months ago. We were talking about sociopaths and I mentioned offhand some guy I dated briefly when I was 21 who I suspected of being a sociopath (later). He asked if he could see a picture of the guy. I said, "are you sure you really want to?" and he said he did. So I showed him one I found online. I warned him that this guy was really douchey, and though he was popular with girls, every guy who knew him detested him. He got really quiet after he saw the picture and then he said, "did you fck him?" and I just rolled my eyes. Then he said to me "this picture really makes me want to smoke." And I asked him to explain why, and he couldn't give me a reason. He just said, "if you smoked you'd understand." I couldn't understand his reaction, he seemed reticent to talk about it, and I asked if the picture annoyed him and he said "kinda." He didn't want to talk about it anymore, but I was confused so I prodded him a little. Then he explained that it kind of annoyed him I was into this guy since the guy looked douchey and I probably liked him for superficial reasons. I responded that the guy WAS douchey and I'd never date him now, but I was attracted to him at the time because he was smart, witty and confident, despite being a dick. Then my boyfriend said the urge to smoke was really strong and he was like grinding his teeth trying to fight it. He mentioned that when he was smoking he was a lot sharper and more confident, and even though he has no desire to go back there he misses that feeling of control. I told him that he's extremely sharp and funny now, and he said "yeah, but not like I was then." He added: "it gave me like this x-ray vision around people. I knew what buttons to push to get them talking, get them interested, and keep them talking." What was this all about? I'm really proud of him for quitting and impressed with his resolve, and I'm not worried about this pushing him over the edge. But I have no clue how to explain his response. Maybe it's because I don't smoke, as he said? Can any smokers explain this? Edited September 19, 2011 by torn_curtain
D-Lish Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 You get the urge to smoke when something stresses you out. It's like if you have a bad day at work and come home and crack a beer to relax. I get the immediate urge to light up when something upsets me. Why he was upset over this is weird, I mean he asked. Was it jealousy do you think?
country_gurl Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 This is the guy you've "known" for under 4 months and haven't even met in person yet though you consider yourself to be in a "relationship" with him and he's your "boyfriend", right? (or am I mixing you up with someone else?) His request to see the pic then his response, comes across as creepy to me....like a guy who's wound too tight.....the fixation with needing a cig so badly. Is he usually this melodramatic and so easily distressed?
Author torn_curtain Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 This is the guy you've "known" for under 4 months and haven't even met in person yet though you consider yourself to be in a "relationship" with him and he's your "boyfriend", right? (or am I mixing you up with someone else?) His request to see the pic then his response, comes across as creepy to me....like a guy who's wound too tight.....the fixation with needing a cig so badly. Is he usually this melodramatic and so easily distressed? Yeah, we're committed/exclusive to each other. I know there's some inherent risk involved in that, but we'll be meeting in a few weeks so hopefully things work out in person. He's still in withdrawal from smoking. He said it comes in waves, so I'm not sure how "weird" it is. I just didn't understand why seeing that photo pushed his need to smoke buttons. No, he's not usually this easily distressed, which is why it confused me.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 The whole asking to see the picture thing ... And you searching for one and providing ... And then him getting butthurt about it and "threatening" to smoke again (with the implication that it would be somehow your responsibility) I very dislike. Just imagine how much nicer things would be if healthy boundaries were in place! Maybe, girl with healthy boundary wouldn't have been describing her past relationship with sociopathic douchebag. Guy with healthy boundary wouldn't have requested the picture. Girl with healthy boundary would not have provided the picture (thereby adding fuel to a feebly burning fire of butthurtness) Etc.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 (edited) Maybe, girl with healthy boundary wouldn't have been describing her past relationship with sociopathic douchebag. I made a really offhand comment about this. I didn't describe the "relationship." He was telling me about a friend he used to have who he suspected of being a sociopath, and he linked me to some interview with this director friend. And then I said I'd never known anyone like that, but then upon reflection, "actually there was this one guy I dated who might have been." That was the extent of what I said. Is that really unhealthy to mention?? Girl with healthy boundary would not have provided the picture (thereby adding fuel to a feebly burning fire of butthurtness) So I should have just said flat out no when he said he was sure he wanted to see it? Edited September 20, 2011 by torn_curtain
Ruby Slippers Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 The whole asking to see the picture thing ... And you searching for one and providing ... And then him getting butthurt about it and "threatening" to smoke again (with the implication that it would be somehow your responsibility) I very dislike. Just imagine how much nicer things would be if healthy boundaries were in place! Maybe, girl with healthy boundary wouldn't have been describing her past relationship with sociopathic douchebag. Guy with healthy boundary wouldn't have requested the picture. Girl with healthy boundary would not have provided the picture (thereby adding fuel to a feebly burning fire of butthurtness) Etc. Exactly. I mean, just the "did you **** him" question alone was extremely childish. I can't even imagine my current 26-year-old lover asking such a teenager-y question. Like I said before, you haven't even met this person. In your head, he's perfect. In reality, he's flawed like everybody else. I'd be prepared for more curve balls.
D-Lish Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I made a really offhand comment about this. I didn't describe the "relationship." He was telling me about a friend he used to have who he suspected of being a sociopath, and he linked me to some interview with his director friend. And then I said I'd never known anyone like that, but then upon reflection, "actually there was this one guy I dated who might have been." That was the extent of what I said. Is that really unhealthy to mention?? So I should have just said flat out no when he said he was sure he wanted to see it? I would have said no to the pic, I just wouldn't want to open the can of worms. But it's weird he even requested to see a pic in the firstplace, then got upset when you did. Noticed any other red flags? I might consider this one a red flag.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Oh, I don't know. But I'm sure that there were ways that this little quagmire could have been avoided, and at no loss to either of you. It falls into the usually unfortunate category of "oversharing," IMO. And ... I'm not trying to bug you, but I have got the feeling over the years that you're kind of into that. Anyway, I know you really really like him and you will be meeting him soon, and I hope that you will be able to do so with an open mind. You are bound to find things about him to be different than what you've been able to pick up via Skype, texts, etc. For better, even, maybe. I'm NOT expecting anything negative. I hope the vast array of very detailed attributes you have for him allows for you to start from scratch, in some sense, when you are ftf with the live guy.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Wait. Did you send him a naked picture of the guy? Taken in your bedroom? I kid!
Author torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Exactly. I mean, just the "did you **** him" question alone was extremely childish. I can't even imagine my current 26-year-old lover asking such a teenager-y question. Like I said before, you haven't even met this person. In your head, he's perfect. In reality, he's flawed like everybody else. I'd be prepared for more curve balls. I don't think he's perfect at all. I realize he has flaws. The question was childish, but he immediately backed down when I didn't answer and apologized for asking. People say stupid things sometimes. I don't see it as that big of a deal? He can be a bit pouty at times (I'm already aware of this) but I think he's a good person, he never causes drama, in general we communicate well and rarely have any conflict. I know this is only worth so much until we've met, but I have no reason to judge him negatively right now. We'll just see.
Cee Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 He got really quiet after he saw the picture and then he said, "did you fck him?" and I just rolled my eyes. Then he said to me "this picture really makes me want to smoke." And I asked him to explain why, and he couldn't give me a reason. He just said, "if you smoked you'd understand." I know the thread is talking about the photo, but I'll answer the original question. Something you should know about smokers (and any addict) is that they use substances or behaviors to bury feelings. When he said he wanted to smoke, he wanted to push negative feelings away with a jolt of nicotine. That's why it was hard for him to tell you what he felt. He thought he felt like a cigarette. But really he might have felt some emptiness within his soul. I'm an ex smoker and I should warn you, an average smoker quits smoking about 7 times before they quit for good. In my case, it took 20+ times. And I still have weak moments where I still want a smoke - instead of feeling.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 I would have said no to the pic, I just wouldn't want to open the can of worms. But it's weird he even requested to see a pic in the firstplace, then got upset when you did. Noticed any other red flags? I might consider this one a red flag. You're right, in retrospect.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) I know the thread is talking about the photo, but I'll answer the original question. Something you should know about smokers (and any addict) is that they use substances or behaviors to bury feelings. When he said he wanted to smoke, he wanted to push negative feelings away with a jolt of nicotine. That's why it was hard for him to tell you what he felt. He thought he felt like a cigarette. But really he might have felt some emptiness within his soul. I'm an ex smoker and I should warn you, an average smoker quits smoking about 7 times before they quit for good. In my case, it took 20+ times. And I still have weak moments where I still want a smoke - instead of feeling. OK, this makes sense. Can you relate to what he said about feeling more confident when he was smoking? If so when you quit smoking were you able to get that feeling of positivity back eventually after the withdrawal subsided? Edited September 20, 2011 by torn_curtain
Cee Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Oh TC, nicotine is such a powerful drug. For me, I used it as an anti-depressant and when I was lonely, nicotine comforted me. When I was too excited, it calmed me down. And when I worked, it helped me concentrate. I don't know about the confidence thing, but nicotine is an addicts best friend, lover, and mother. You will never understand, but that's fantastic. You aren't an addict and capable of experiencing your feelings without medication. Be grateful for your ignorance. It's a blessing.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Oh TC, nicotine is such a powerful drug. For me, I used it as an anti-depressant and when I was lonely, nicotine comforted me. When I was too excited, it calmed me down. And when I worked, it helped me concentrate. I don't know about the confidence thing, but nicotine is an addicts best friend, lover, and mother. You will never understand, but that's fantastic. You aren't an addict and capable of experiencing your feelings without medication. Be grateful for your ignorance. It's a blessing. Wow. I knew nicotine was ridiculously addictive but had no clue it had such a dramatic affect on mood.
country_gurl Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) It's strange to me that you would have found a pic for him. You could have just as easily have said you didn't have one/couldn't find one. I get this weird vibe that he's a very insecure and controlling person. That the thought of you having been with someone else in the past enrages him. That it's something that he'll obsess about because in his mind, you're now his 'property.' A stable man (I'm assuming he's an adult?) simply would not request to see a pic of a woman's ex, ask her if she "f*****" him, then have a pseudo-meltdown such that he needed a cig. There's just a huge creepy factor there, at least to me. Another way of putting it is that his reaction seems really disproportionate to the situation, him getting to upset that he was threatening to start smoking again. Sounds like a bit of a loose cannon/drama queen to me. Edited September 20, 2011 by country_gurl
Author torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Wow. I knew nicotine was ridiculously addictive but had no clue it had such a dramatic affect on mood. *effect........
carhill Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I'd suggest tabling it until meeting in person. Accept that it seems weird right now but that clarification remains. Relationships start, grow and thrive in the real. Accept the virtual for what it is, perhaps a bit weird right now. How do you feel about dating/having a relationship with a smoker? I look at it a lot like dating a separated person. There's still a connection there as it's all so fresh, in this case, the separation from a very addictive drug. It's possible he'll reconcile/go back. Very possible. See how it goes in the real.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 I'd suggest tabling it until meeting in person. Accept that it seems weird right now but that clarification remains. Relationships start, grow and thrive in the real. Accept the virtual for what it is, perhaps a bit weird right now. How do you feel about dating/having a relationship with a smoker? I look at it a lot like dating a separated person. There's still a connection there as it's all so fresh, in this case, the separation from a very addictive drug. It's possible he'll reconcile/go back. Very possible. See how it goes in the real. Smoking is a deal breaker to me so I'd probably break up with him if he regressed.
carhill Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 My apologies as I haven't followed your entire story..... is he disclosed as to how you feel about smoking and relationships? If yes, what was/is the gist of his response?
FitChick Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 How do you feel about dating/having a relationship with a smoker? I look at it a lot like dating a separated person. There's still a connection there as it's all so fresh, in this case, the separation from a very addictive drug. It's possible he'll reconcile/go back. Same with a drinker or overeater. I had a female friend who lost 50 pounds because she wanted to attract men. She did. She married one of them and sure enough, over the years, whenever she was stressed she started shoveling in the cream puffs until she resembled one herself. I'd be wary of dating someone who lost a lot of weight recently, stopped smoking recently or stopped drinking or drugging recently. There are too many other things to deal with in a relationship so why add substance abuse to the mix? If they've been clean for five years or more, that is a different story.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 My apologies as I haven't followed your entire story..... is he disclosed as to how you feel about smoking and relationships? If yes, what was/is the gist of his response? He knows I don't like smoking but I haven't told him it's a deal breaker. Should I? I don't want to stress him out and add pressure to the relationship, and I'd also rather he quit for himself instead of me.
carhill Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Disclosing important personal boundaries, which are in no way binding upon him, is something I consider healthy. I tolerate smoking, and have numerous friends who do smoke, but I could never be married to someone who regularly does. I'd have no problems couching my boundary in exactly those terms. Since for myself, I'm 'marriage-minded', I don't do casual relationships so the person would be disclosed as to that boundary as well. We're all adults and have choices.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 A stable man (I'm assuming he's an adult?) simply would not request to see a pic of a woman's ex, ask her if she "f*****" him, then have a pseudo-meltdown such that he needed a cig. There's just a huge creepy factor there, at least to me. Another way of putting it is that his reaction seems really disproportionate to the situation, him getting to upset that he was threatening to start smoking again. Sounds like a bit of a loose cannon/drama queen to me. Yes yes yes.
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