ShannonMI Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I've been dating this guy for about 4 months. He's originally from California and moved to New York (where I live) temporarily. We've been pretty much inseparable since day one. I have serious feelings for him and he says he cares deeply for me, but he does not consider me his girlfriend. Even though he tells everyone that I'm his girlfriend and treats me like I am. He says we are just friends. I don't understand this. Why tell people I'm your girlfriend when you really don't think I am? I definitely consider him my boyfriend. I care about him and love spending time with him. I wouldn't say I'm in love with him, but I could get there eventually. What confuses me is that he is very affectionate toward me. We have amazing sex. He tells me all the time how much he cares about me. Tells me I'm one of the most incredible women he's ever been with. Tells me I'm so loving and supportive, he loves spending time with me and he's so thankful he met me blah, blah, blah. So what's the problem? Why does he consider me just a friend? When asked if he would care if I dated someone else, he says he would be upset, but knows he can't give me all that I need. That we aren't soul mates. I just hate the fact he tells everyone and their brother that we are an item, but won't say it or admit it to me. What is that about? I know titles like boyfriend/girlfriend really don't matter, but it frustrating to get all these loving emotions from him and have him disregard them and say we are nothing. I'm not sure what to do. Is he some sort of commitment phobe? I'm guessing it's because he doesn't plan on living in NY forever and he is a legit commitment phobe. He's also bi-polar. Don't know if that has anything to do with it, but maybe it does. I'm at a loss. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
veggirl Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 His words mean nothing. In fact, the ones who overload the sweet-talk "you are so perfect" etc are the ones to be wary of, when you have only known each other a short time. If he introduces you as his girlfriend, say NO I am not! Go on a date with someone else. When someone tells you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. he is telling you, in plain english, that he is NOT your boyfriend. I'm sorry, it totally sucks and he is being a dick acting one way and then another, but take it at face value. Seriously. You will be doing yourself a HUGE favor by leaving NOW. In the future...establish what you are to one another, be at peace with it and THEN have "amazing sex"
laotzu Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I've been dating this guy for about 4 months. He's originally from California and moved to New York (where I live) temporarily. We've been pretty much inseparable since day one. I have serious feelings for him and he says he cares deeply for me, but he does not consider me his girlfriend. Even though he tells everyone that I'm his girlfriend and treats me like I am. He says we are just friends. I don't understand this. Why tell people I'm your girlfriend when you really don't think I am? I definitely consider him my boyfriend. I care about him and love spending time with him. I wouldn't say I'm in love with him, but I could get there eventually. What confuses me is that he is very affectionate toward me. We have amazing sex. He tells me all the time how much he cares about me. Tells me I'm one of the most incredible women he's ever been with. Tells me I'm so loving and supportive, he loves spending time with me and he's so thankful he met me blah, blah, blah. So what's the problem? Why does he consider me just a friend? When asked if he would care if I dated someone else, he says he would be upset, but knows he can't give me all that I need. That we aren't soul mates. I just hate the fact he tells everyone and their brother that we are an item, but won't say it or admit it to me. What is that about? I know titles like boyfriend/girlfriend really don't matter, but it frustrating to get all these loving emotions from him and have him disregard them and say we are nothing. I'm not sure what to do. Is he some sort of commitment phobe? I'm guessing it's because he doesn't plan on living in NY forever and he is a legit commitment phobe. He's also bi-polar. Don't know if that has anything to do with it, but maybe it does. I'm at a loss. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Honestly, I give him some credit: he appears to be very honest with you. Additionally, he's essentially telegraphing commitment to you when around other people, but letting you know, personally, that he doesn't view you in a long term relationship. I mean, take his word for it, right? He doesn't view it as a long term relationship for whatever reason. He might be telling everyone that you're an item because he doesn't want to embarrass you in front of other people (i.e. he's not saying to them "she's just some girl I'm sleeping with"). He might also just like the way it makes him sound to other people, to have a girl, but at least it does seem like he's being honest with you. If you want to try and make him commit, tell him you can't operate the same way in the relationship any more and withdraw, and see if he comes running, willing to commit. That's the way most of these things work: take away what's currently being provided and condition it, and see if he's willing to accept the conditions. If he's not, you'll know he really dreads verbal/psychological commitment more than he covets the relationship you currently have.
country_gurl Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I've been dating this guy for about 4 months. He's originally from California and moved to New York (where I live) temporarily. We've been pretty much inseparable since day one. I have serious feelings for him and he says he cares deeply for me, but he does not consider me his girlfriend. Even though he tells everyone that I'm his girlfriend and treats me like I am. He says we are just friends. I don't understand this. Why tell people I'm your girlfriend when you really don't think I am? I definitely consider him my boyfriend. I care about him and love spending time with him. I wouldn't say I'm in love with him, but I could get there eventually. What confuses me is that he is very affectionate toward me. We have amazing sex. He tells me all the time how much he cares about me. Tells me I'm one of the most incredible women he's ever been with. Tells me I'm so loving and supportive, he loves spending time with me and he's so thankful he met me blah, blah, blah. So what's the problem? Why does he consider me just a friend? When asked if he would care if I dated someone else, he says he would be upset, but knows he can't give me all that I need. That we aren't soul mates. I just hate the fact he tells everyone and their brother that we are an item, but won't say it or admit it to me. What is that about? I know titles like boyfriend/girlfriend really don't matter, but it frustrating to get all these loving emotions from him and have him disregard them and say we are nothing. I'm not sure what to do. Is he some sort of commitment phobe? I'm guessing it's because he doesn't plan on living in NY forever and he is a legit commitment phobe. He's also bi-polar. Don't know if that has anything to do with it, but maybe it does. I'm at a loss. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. So he's there temporarily. Do you know with 100% certainty that he's not in fact married with a wife back in Cali? Have you asked him WHY he tells everyone that you're his 'girlfriend' when he makes it clear to you that you're not and that you don't understand this obvious contradiction? Sounds almost to me like he's "here for a good time, not a long time." ?
Author ShannonMI Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Honestly, I give him some credit: he appears to be very honest with you. Additionally, he's essentially telegraphing commitment to you when around other people, but letting you know, personally, that he doesn't view you in a long term relationship. I mean, take his word for it, right? He doesn't view it as a long term relationship for whatever reason. He might be telling everyone that you're an item because he doesn't want to embarrass you in front of other people (i.e. he's not saying to them "she's just some girl I'm sleeping with"). He might also just like the way it makes him sound to other people, to have a girl, but at least it does seem like he's being honest with you. If you want to try and make him commit, tell him you can't operate the same way in the relationship any more and withdraw, and see if he comes running, willing to commit. That's the way most of these things work: take away what's currently being provided and condition it, and see if he's willing to accept the conditions. If he's not, you'll know he really dreads verbal/psychological commitment more than he covets the relationship you currently have. I do appreciate his honesty and I've told him that. It's just irritating to not have a label for what we are. I've tried breaking up with him over this, but he always finds a way to win me back. If it's worth fighting for why can't there be a label?
Author ShannonMI Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 So he's there temporarily. Do you know with 100% certainty that he's not in fact married with a wife back in Cali? Have you asked him WHY he tells everyone that you're his 'girlfriend' when he makes it clear to you that you're not and that you don't understand this obvious contradiction? Sounds almost to me like he's "here for a good time, not a long time." ? He thought it was going to be a temporary move for work, but has now decided to stay here indefinitely. He doesn't have a wife back in CA. If he did I'm sure he'd be going back and forth to visit and he wouldn't be deciding to live here. I just think he's a commitment phobe, but enjoys what we have too much to give it up. He tells me he tells other people that I'm his girlfriend because he wants them to know I'm his girl. It's like a territory thing, I guess. It's all so ridiculous.
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