I'm so confused and lost... he broke my heart

[KelBel]

IT's me again...I blabed a whole big letter earlier. I just don't know what to think about my situation. We loved eachother sooo much and everything was wonderful. There were no signs of unhappiness and so it was completely unexpected when he says that its over. He's given up on us for now because he loves me but doesn't long to be with me or have that burning desire inside. But those tingles go away over time especially after 7years of dating. He says he wants to just go do what he wants when he wants. It's not that he wants to see others, he just doesn't want to be in a relationship right now cause he's so busy with work and wants to enjoy going golfing with the boys and whatever else. Everyone thought that we'd get married. We owned a house together. We were going to buy a dog together and now had to notify the breeders to take us off their list. Our parents thought that we were getting married. His mom even talked to my momabout splitting the wedding 50/50. I'm extremely close with his family and hang outwith his mom once aweek. do you think that us always seeing eachother and getting used to the whole long distance thing made him think that he doesn't long for me? Is he just sounding this strong to reasure himself that he's doing the right thing? It just doesnt' seem like him. Do you think I should just not contact him and talk to him until he contacts me. do you think he just got cold feet? Cause I just graduated from school, we were getting a dog, and I was getting anew car that was going to last me a long time so eventually it'd be a family car. I don't know if he got scared realizin the next step is marriage and he says he's just not ready for that. He was once in the fall but then said for some reason he never asked me. Is he acting tough right now so that I give him his space? How can your feelings just turn off like that. He says that he's felt that way especially the last month and a half. He said he wasn't sure when we bought the house at the end of last summer. But it doesn't add up with all the excitement letters I got from him and his talking to our friend who said "are you sure this is whatyou want cause it's a big step" and my ex answered" this is what I want, I'm excited it's going to be great". I feel like he's giving me reasons that contradict how he acted in the relationship. Maybe he doesn't know I don't know I'm so lost and confused. part of me is done crying cause I have hope that he'll realize what he lost. Everyone says what he's doing is a big mistake. I just hope that I don't have false hope and I'm just trying to say that it's ok. He says that if we're meant to be we'll be back together again but don't wait and rely on that in case it never happens. He says for now he's given up becuase of how he feels but if his feelings change then he'll let me know. Please do. I need advice.

[FolderWife]

It does seem funny that a guy would love you enough to buy a house with you, then just up and dump you.

 

HAve you considered he's found someone else he's interested in?

 

How old are the two of you?

[FolderWife]

Who gets the house now????? If he got it, you may have discovered your motive he may have been playing you this past year to get a house, and now that he's got it, he's kicking you to the curb, so he can have all the floozies over he wants

[supermom]

Doesn't he realize he can golf and hang out w/ friends while being with you? Men are so weird when it comes to all that.

 

I know its hard to not talk to someone after being with them for 7 years, but again, you need to now focus on yourself.

 

and I wanted to know the same thing Monday asked. I hope you get it, and if he has it, tell him to sell it and split it with you 50/50.

 

I had a bad experience with this, I bought a house when I was 20 with my ex and when we split up, I let him have it (thinking I was going to start a new life) and he moved in every jerk, floozy, etc and never recieved rent from them. To make a long story short the house ended up getting forclosed and now I have that to carry on my credit!

 

Take care of yourself, make sure you get your name off of the house if you don't end up getting it!

 

Good luck

[KelBel]

the thing is he put the whole down payment on the house. I didn't put anything towards it my name just got put on everything. He's very business savy so it's kinda wiered that if he had any doubt he wouldn't have put my name on it knowing that I have claim to half. I did ask if there was anyone else and he's denied it. He says he just doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. I also don't know when he would have had the time to find anyone else cause when he's not working we were together. A few times he'd sork on saturday mornings but with other guys at work on the big project that they just got rewarded so I know its not that. Also he works with his dad and I don't think he'd have the balls. It seems like the only logical explanation for the quick change in feelings either its that or cold feet. Now I'm worried again that there is someone else. Is it worth asking him one last time? We both made that mistake once a long time ago and he did say I never ever made that mistake again. Maybe he has feelings for someone else I don't know. What do I do? I don't want to annoy him by asking. As for the house I'm not going to take half because I didn't put anything towards it. If I had then I would take. I think if there was someone else I'd rather know cause then the hope inside of me would disappear. Because I know that we'd never get back together again. I said "if there is anyone please tell me now cause if there is any hope for us in the future it's best to know now cause if I find out later I'll be really pissed off and odd of us working out are slim to none." He said I had nothing to worry about. The reason I told him that was cause one of my friends just found out that her guy the day after they split laid a girl. I told him I don't want to find out something like that throught the "great vine".

[KelBel]

oh ya and I'm 24 he's almost 24

[supermom]

[color=red]the thing is he put the whole down payment on the house. I didn't put anything towards it my name just got put on everything. He's very business savy so it's kinda wiered that if he had any doubt he wouldn't have put my name on it knowing that I have claim to half.[/color]

 

 

[color=blue][/color] Is your name at all on the house? If so can you get your name off of it?

[KelBel]

Yes that won't be a problem to do. I'm jsut not completely ready yet to do it but probably will within the next few weeks. Do you think there may be someone else from the explanation that he gave me? It's jsut that he was honest with everything so why would he lie about that?

[supermom]

It just sounds really flaky...why would he end the relationship after all these years like that? Were you two having major problems recently?

 

I think you should tell him you DESERVE an better explanation. You have spent many years of your life with him and you are feeling lost and confused and it is totally not fair.

 

If he can't give you a better explanation, then I would worry, and definetly TAKE YOUR NAME OFF THE HOUSE, I got screwed over by that (I'm 25 now, remarried, and still dealing with that credit issue)

 

If I had known back then what I know now I would of done so much differently.

[KelBel]

He just says that his heart isn't in it anymore. His heart doesn't long for me and he doesn't have that burning desire in him anymore. The whole credit thing won't be a problem. I'm not worried about that cause I've allready discussed it and know what I have to do. Part of me believes him but to me how can your feelings just change. He says that he felt that way a little before getting the house and thought the house would make things better. Then he thought that getting the dog would make things better and saidthat's when all of a sudden the past month and a half he just started looking at the situation. He doesn't know exactly when and why it just happened. he says he understands that I have millions of questions and he'll answer them as honestly as possible what does that mean

[KelBel]

no there were no bad things. Other then I'd go to the casino once in a while and he's not into that. But that's not big enough to cause this and I stoped going there anyways. Should I phone him and ask him after he's allready toldme twice that there's no one else. I asked him the second time and he said "who ever is putting that idea in your head tell them to *&^( off cause that's not the case.) 4 years ago when he made a mistake I sensed it right away. He never told me but my gut said something was up so I asked and he admited to it. I think that would be the same here. I know him extremely well....but now I'm second guessing that cause of several people now saying is there someone else and he's just done this which seems out of character.

[KelBel]

should I call him and ask again?

[supermom]

I wouldn't. I've done that before and got nowhere. He says no, and apparently is sticking to it.

 

My ex said no too, and i found out way after we were broken up it was true, although we are still friends and he still denies it ( I've asked him once out of curiousity) so I am to the point where I don't trust any man.

 

My current husband cheated on me once w/ my sister's friend while i was preg w/ his child! Men are scum.

[KelBel]

maybe that's why his best friend sounded so confident. this would be the first time that he has ever lied to my face before 9other then keeping his feelings in for the past 1.5 months). His mom says that there is no one else cause she asked him. Her and I are really close so I don't know if he would tell her or not cause he know's that she'd be like "ex what were you thinking"

[KelBel]

I really don't think that there is anyone else for how honest he is trying to be. The only thing is maybe he jsut wants to see who else is out there

[KelBel]

is mom phoned yesterday and said thanks for my card. She said that ex had mentioned what I did with my family so it showed that I came up in conversation so I was on someones mind. He hasn't had the balls to see me face to face when dropping of the male at my folks house. He says it's cause he's pulling the chicken **** routine he doesn't want to face them yet cause they're pretty angry and he says he understands that and hopes it doesn't last long. He is extremely busy with work that is his number one priority and so I don't know how he would have had time to find someone else. He works out of town on a plant and works long hours and then when he gets home we would talk on the phone and then he would do some work and go to bed. He rents a basement sweet with a lady who's like a second mom to him and her 16 year old son. I don't think that his life scenario could have given him time to be with someone else. Unless between 8am and 3 pm on the saturdays that he worked recently. But he's been at work, I mean last Sunday even after we've broken up he had gone to work in the morning before going to his little brothers hockey event.

[KelBel]

His mom thanked me for the mother's day card that I got her. Is what I meant to say above

[cowgirl]

Sorry to see what your going through mate. It seems so weird that he wants out so quick as he has. MEN!! Unfortunately they are weird things to understand when they do this to us but we have to live with it. I think your first priority is if your names on the house then it's gotta come off straight away. You say that you didn't put anything into that house, well as long as your names on it than your entitled to half anyway. When I split with my fiance we were in the throws of buying a house so it was easy to get out of it but my name was on the car loan and I didn't find out that my name was still on it until I went to change details on the **** bomb he felt obliged to buy me when we split. My name come off the next day once I got hold of him. Everyone told me to take him for half but money can't buy you happiness and I just wanted to feel normal and happy again.

 

I don't think that he's got cold feet. Maybe he just realised he isn't comfortable being in a relationship at this point in his life whether its with you or anyone else. Im curious as to how old you both are. I was engaged at 23 and to be married at 25 and I turn 30 next month and I know NOW there was no way I was ready to be that commited to someone althouh I loved him terribly. Im very ready now though but it's just finding the right one to share it with.

 

Maybe you should just do your best to get on with it. Take your name off the house and stop the contact even with his family. Easier said than done when your so close. Im a strong believer in if it's meant to be than it will be. Ive seen it happen to my friends. I don't believe that he doesn't still love you because your love for someone after so long can not be turned off in an instant. I was still in love with my x for 2 years and I still love him but Im not IN LOVE with him. You deserve so much more mate.

GOOD LUCK AND IN TIME YOU WILL GET THROUGH ALL THIS!!

CHEERS

[KelBel]

Thanks for the note. I'm 24 and he'll be shortly. He truely believes that too if we're meant to be then we'll find our way together again. My name is coming off everything and i"m not taking half of anything. I just wonder if he just needs this summer away and keep busy with work and the guys. Then come fall when they're all gone he'll realize more so what he's lost. I know we're young. That's always been an issue a bit with him cause he's just not ready to get married. so I don't know it's so surreal cause we seem so perfect. I know I can move on but part of me just doesn't understand when you have something good why you just can't see that. Cause by sounds of it most people eventually regret it.

[FolderWife]

Honey, if you still think there's a chance, and you still want to risk spending the rest of your life with a guy who just gets up one day and changes his mind, then don't date anyone for a while. You need about a year off from relationships any way! 7 years is a heck of a long time to just wake up and decide to break up. Does he talk to you every day?

 

Don't ask him if he's cheated, because like everyone said, he's sticking to no. Just wait him out for about a month, and don't call him. Don't lay around thinking about how much you miss him (I know that's what I'd be inclined to do) and don't lay around hoping he'll come back. Start going to casino's again, if that's what you want to do, and if a guy there picks you up, go out with him if you want.

 

I don't recommend sleeping with anyone right away, because you and your ex could get back together, and not only will you feel guilty for sleeping with someone else (even though you have EVERY RIGHT) he will resent you a little bit, for running off with someone else (even though he has no right)

 

Just relax, and try to enjoy your summer. Take the evenings you would spend together, and lay out and get a tan, or swim in your pool, etc.

 

I say that you should wait for him for a while though. Even though he's told you not to, it would be a shame for you to find someone else, then your ex come crawling back, and you WANT to take him back, but won't because you are in another relationship.

[KelBel]

I play on a women's sports team so I do that a couple of nights a week, kinda hard right now at times going but at least I'm getting out. I don't have many girlfriends cause most of our friends were other couples. part of me thinks that why would he come back he obviously didn't like something for him to leave. Part of me could see him trying to hold out as long as possible if feelings were to come back. I could see him trying to be single for as long as possible this fall but I just don't know. His Uncle, who hasn't talked to my ex but know's him well, says that my ex is just too busy with his work and has too much on his plate right now that there is no time for a relationship. So maybe that's a good thing in a way that he may not get in one with anyone else. Why would he come back to me? We got along perfect and loved eachother very much. We had no problems living together he said I was "livable material" whatever that means, doesn't sound like a complement but I guess it is. I mean at times I would say "I'm boared or antsy lets just go do something, but we would either just watch tv or go to a flick". We're heavy golfers so during the winter we do get a little board so I don't know if that will be a damper on him wanting to come back. We've mostly had communication through email or 2 phone calls for about 1 minute each. I was trying to be strong getting to the point of the bills and that was it. Trying not to bring up the relationship to give him air. I had to email him yesterday about name changes for bills and that was the first commication in 3 days. But I've only seen him once since our break up 2.5 weeks ago, and that wasn't for long cause he came to my Uni grad with his family. That was a little awkward. I'm really really close to all his family grandparents aunts uncles all. His mom and I go out once a week usually but from now on I won't talk about the relationship. I'm going away to visit family on maylong so that I'm not here when he gets back into town from work. See he started his 10day on work shift and 4 days off so that means I won't see him for another 2 weeks after may long and that's if he calls me and asks to do something, then I'll see. Even though this is absolutely the worst time of my life right now time seems to be flying by. I'm not one who sleeps around and stuff, so I know that I won't have sex with just anybody and he know's that i won't but i'm sure he'll be worried. I think if I were to go on a few dates and he found out it'll either be, he'll play it tough and say well good I'm happy for her but deep down he feels it hurt a little. Ahhhh i"m confused.

[sinkerswim]

Hi...

I am sorry for what you are going through...I was with my fiance/boyfriend for 8 years...

Its a very long time.

I didnt get any closure...one day after an argument..he wanted "space", because he said I dont let him do anything without questioning him.

That was on Feb.3. He told me he wouldnt leave me hanging...but he has.

Im extremely dissapointed in him. I havent gotten any answers out of him.

I am in such a depression that I went on 3 medications and seeing a therapist.

 

I would say to you..that dont call and ask again if he is seeing somebody else.

He said no...so just believe that. I know its hard...believe me.

I too, asked the same thing and he said no as well. Hes always busy with work and sports or seeing me...so I dont know where he would have found someone.

I know I miss him sooo damn much, that somedays I just dont know where to put myself. I am lost without him.

We were planning a vacation for September and it seemed like things were alright...I mean..I think we kind of fell into a rut, but I never dreamed he would just pick up and leave me like this with no official goodbyes.

Its sooo unlike him. Im devastated. I still cant really accept what has happened and I STILL wear my engagement ring.

 

Anyway...I hope things work out for you. I know how it feels being with someone for that long. A part of you is missing.

Come here when you need to talk.

[KelBel]

The more I think about it, like you analyzed, I don't see where he would have had time to be with anyone else. I completely trusted him during the relationship and nothing was giving me any signs that therre was someone else. I feel that he's being as honest as possible but maybe keeping back on a few of his views I don't know if it's because he doesn't want to hurt me more or maybe it's because he doesn't want to mislead me with any mixed feelings. I just can't believe this is happening. It feels like he's still just out of town then i realize he's never coming back. After his best friend had said that I should jst move on cause it doesn't look promising unless his feelings were to change for me. Mind you his friend did say that's how he interpreted the conversation he had with my ex by the tone of his confident voice. My ex seems so confident. 4 years ago when we were on a break he still emailed me or called me, but I thinkat first it was me initiating but later on he started making contact more and moe once I was less and less. I don't know if he just needs space. He says that he felt this way before we bought our house 7 months ago. He said he tried telling me he had doubt by him saying "maybe we shouldn't put your name on the mortgage til we get married just in case things don't work out". I don't think that was him telling me, I was just figuring that he was being negative cause he looks at the negative alot when it comes to planning, like preparing for the worst. I guess maybe that's how I could look at him being negative in a way right now by giving up on us he's just preparing himself for something that may never happen again. Yet he said he came close to asking me to marry him at the end of '03 when we were living together, but for some unknown reason he doesn't know why he never did. Then he asked me 2 or 3 weeks before we broke up if I still wanted to get married in a church. Then I asked him when we broke up if he could see himself marrying me...he said right now no not the way that he feels he's just not ready for marriage any time soon. Then I asked him if he could see us raising a family together and he said yes. What?! How does that make sense, I asked him that and he said maybe he answered out of habbit. Can that be? What does it sound like to you? Think he just needs his summer off to concentrate on work and enjoy golfing with friends and family and really see where he wants to go. After being ina relationship for so long I could see him enjoying his "freedom" for a bit. But I think the lonelines of not having your partner by your side will give you a wake up call when your schedule gets less busy. Mind you work he'll be working the 2 weeks on 4 days off for atleast a year with some exceptions. The thing is I never stoped him from doing anything...we never went on holidays just the two of us so I kind of would hint at him a few times or get mad a little. Cause sometimes he'd say no we need to save money yet have no problem going ona week long golf trip with his uncle bestfriend and friends. He said if he really wanted to he would have done something.

[sinkerswim]

Well, I ask the same questions you do about the situation.

I know that my fiance did whatever he wanted..He also golfed every Sunday in the summer. He is in many sports,and never once did I stop him from doing anything..

I did question alot about things..because I am insecure due to having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He never gave me any reason in the world not to trust him. He always made me feel as if I was the only girl in the room, and weve never had any problems and been together 8 years straight w/ no breaks

 

Im wondering the same thing as you..maybe he needs his" freedom" for awhile without anyone around. Our relationships were very long..

I am sure there is a void in their lives too.

Well, at least I hope there is in my case. But I cant understand why he cant face me.

At least your guy is communicating with you and thats good to some extent.

My guy isnt even trying to communicate with me.

Its makes me wonder what did I do that was THAT bad.

I just hope and pray that he realizes he made a big mistake and will contact me soon. Or one day.

I forgot to mention that I was getting my own place 2 weeks after this happened. Maybe he got cold feet as well. It all happened at the same time.Its UNREAL that hes not here to share it with me.

Its hard living like this day to day.

anyway...

Your guy sounds confused. I think my guy was too.

[FolderWife]

You know, you all didn't just HAVE 2 month relationships with these guys, and then they up and leave, you invested YEARS into them!

 

Why don't you both just call your guy up, tell him that it is breaking your heart being apart from him, and that you miss him so much you can hardly breath! Tell them that as far as you know, nothing went wrong, so why should you break up like this! Tell them that YOU DON'T CARE if they work all the time, you love them so much that you'll take any scrap of time with them you can!

 

It sounds like by "trying to give them space" you are sending the signal that you are glad they are gone. When my hubby and I fight, we don't talk on the phone, except to discuss business. We love each other, so even if the fight was COMPLETELY HIS FAULT (and it usually is) if I came to him, and told him that I missed him, and couldn't stand not talking to him, WE'D MAKE UP. These guys may just be testing you all (subconciously) to see if you can live without them. SInce you are doing such a great job of staying away, they think you can, and so they run scared.

 

If I told my husband that "I needed space" even though we were seemingly getting along, I'd want him to call and beg for me to come back to him every day. If I truely wanted space, I wouldn't anser the phone. You give me the impression that he answers the phone when you call, and he asks about you.

 

Why are you waiting around for him to come running back? You are dealing with a stupid, stubborn man! If you want him, TELL HIM. Tell him you miss him like crazy. Tell him you don't understand why this had to happen! Tell him that if he doen't explain why he did this 180 on you, after you GAVE HIM YEARS OF YOUR LIFE, that you are going to move right back in to your home Tell him that you refuse to take this. Tell him that your name is on the home, and you want to live there with HIM. Tell him that you deserve an explaination. Tell him that you NEED AND EXPLAINATION. Tell him if he can convince you that this is the best thing, then you'll have no problem giving him space. Otherwise, you love him, and you aren't giving up without a fight!

 

Swallow your pride and BEG!