When an ex wants to be "just friends" but seems to still have feelings for you?

[RatsAreCool]

I'll try to make this short but it's just so complicated.

 

I met this guy and he told me from the get-go that he's not into relationships. He's 24 and has had only one gf, and the relationship was really bad. That was three years ago and this situation with me is the closest he's gotten to a relationship since.

 

He meets me and starts spending all his time with me, ditching his friends to hang out, running four miles to my house when we both didn't have cars, the works, but... still doesn't want a relationship, or even to be exclusive. In fact, he even pushed me to hook up with other guys.

 

The first time we had a talk about "where we were headed," he asked if I'd be OK with an open relationship and I was like "NO." He then asked if we could maybe get together in a few years when he felt ready for a relationship and I was like, "Seriously? It doesn't work that way and you know it!"

 

We almost broke up once over this. He asked for a break to think about it all, and 24 hours into the break texted me asking me how I was. I finally got him to promise--no other girls, although we still weren't technically "in a relationship" (I use the word "ex" only for convenience).

 

A week before he breaks up with me, I was mad at him for something, and he BEGGED me to hang out the next day. We hung out every night that week because he invited me over, even though he had to get up early for work the next day. We had a stupid fight one night, and the next day, he broke up with me, because he "needs to get his life together" and he "can't be my boyfriend right now" but that's "basically what he was."

 

I asked if he still liked me and he answered without hesitation "of course I do." I started pushing to get back together so he took it back. Later I asked if he remembered those things he'd said to me when we first got together about trying in a few years. I asked if he still felt that way and he said "kind of." Then without prompting from me he said "I'll tell you this, if things had been different in my life, I wouldn't have broken up with you."

 

I saw him a few days ago and he was clearly still into me, at least physically. And I asked him to hook up (stupidly and drunkenly) but he turned me down, saying "It's not that I don't want to, but no."

 

Is it over for good or do you think he'll realize he misses me? I don't know, it seems to me that if you still want that person around... like, any time I've been rejected or even rejected someone I still had feelings for, I didn't want to talk to them!

[carhill]

He's what I call a male mind-fµcker. The reasons are really irrelevant.

 

I'd suggest NC and moving on. Dead hole here.

 

Lastly, don't believe everything men tell you, especially if they smell good and are easy on the eyes.

[Mack05]

don't believe everything men tell you, especially if they smell good and are easy on the eyes.

 

That should be a thread on it's own...

[geegirl]

It's not complicated. It's pretty straightforward, actually.

 

1) He doesn't want a relationship.

2) He's 24, one R and that was bad. Sounds like he could only get to committing himself to one person while the other times he was doing the in-and-out.

3) He does not want to be exclusive.

4) He pushed you to other guys (revolting if a man did this to me).

5) He wants an open relationship.

6) He wants you so badly that he can wait a few years and see if you are available/wait for him.

7) You had to make him promise not to see other girls (good luck with that).

 

So, after all this you are still wondering if he misses you? Of course! You are a dream to this type of guy. A woman that offers herself in return for nothing? Of course he will miss you. He will miss all the benefits you reward him with without the commitment of a relationship.

 

You are the type of woman that will do whatever it takes to turn him into what you want him to be. You'll think that all the good sex, and all the love and care you have to give to him will change his mind, so you hang on and you hang on. Sweet words will wrap you around his finger like glue but his actions will fall on blind eyes.

 

Please get your self respect back and do not allow a man to treat you this way. He may have feelings for you but not the kind that will rope him into a relationship. If you believe that you can just hang on and in time his feelings will change for you, you are sorely wrong. You are hoping his "LIKE" will change to "LOVE". Nope. He's telling you what you need to hear. And when you hear what you don't like to hear, LISTEN. You've already taught him that he can have you on his terms and you will obligingly bend over backwards to accommodate him, even if it does not fulfil your needs and wants in a relationship and in a man.

Edited September 19, 2011 by geegirl

[Mack05]

The biggest Illusion in a relationship..."I can change him/her"..If you go into any relationship wanting to change someone. IT WILL FAIL..

 

Forget friends, forget FWB, forget relationship. Go no contact and stick to it. Of course everyone in this site knows you will hang onto hope, waste precious months of your life and get far more hurt then you are now..

 

See you here in a few months...Please Please prove me wrong...

[PeachesInc]

It's not complicated. It's pretty straightforward, actually.

 

1) He doesn't want a relationship.

2) He's 24, one R and that was bad. Sounds like he could only get to committing himself to one person while the other times he was doing the in-and-out.

3) He does not want to be exclusive.

4) He pushed you to other guys (revolting if a man did this to me).

5) He wants an open relationship.

6) He wants you so badly that he can wait a few years and see if you are available/wait for him.

7) You had to make him promise not to see other girls (good luck with that).

 

So, after all this you are still wondering if he misses you? Of course! You are a dream to this type of guy. A woman that offers herself in return for nothing? Of course he will miss you. He will miss all the benefits you reward him with without the commitment of a relationship.

 

You are the type of woman that will do whatever it takes to turn him into what you want him to be. You'll think that all the good sex, and all the love and care you have to give to him will change his mind, so you hang on and you hang on. Sweet words will wrap you around his finger like glue but his actions will fall on blind eyes.

 

Please get your self respect back and do not allow a man to treat you this way. He may have feelings for you but not the kind that will rope him into a relationship. If you believe that you can just hang on and in time his feelings will change for you, you are sorely wrong. You are hoping his "LIKE" will change to "LOVE". Nope. He's telling you what you need to hear. And when you hear what you don't like to hear, LISTEN. You've already taught him that he can have you on his terms and you will obligingly bend over backwards to accommodate him, even if it does not fulfil your needs and wants in a relationship and in a man.

 

This pretty much sums it up. A relationship needs to be 50/50. Besides him saying sweet things to you here and there, are you really getting what you want out of it? It seems you want more and he doesn't. You have to tell him all in or nothing. Or he is just going to keep using you. I hate guys like this.

[radiodarcy]

take is from GeeGirl, OP, i was in pretty much the same situation you are in now. i thought my situation was different. i thought i could change him. i hung in there for 2.5 years.

 

during that time i tried begging, reasoning, issuing ultimatums, backing off and then repeating the cycle all over again. and do you know what happened at the end of those 2.5 years? he decided he was ready for a relationship only not with me. that he would be setting up online dating accounts and try to find "the one".

 

and as much as i hated him for it. it really was my fault for hanging in there as long as i did. you're getting some great advice on here, i strongly recommend you heed it and not make the same mistake i did. until this guy's actions match his words he will continue to string you along as long as you allow him to.

[RatsAreCool]

I understand that it's not healthy in any way shape or form. I knew that full well going into the situation (maybe I should point out that I'm only 20 years old, at a university, where most guys here aren't looking to get tied down to anyone).

 

I guess it's just hard to understand, because the thing is, he DIDN'T just "walk the walk," so to speak. Like I said in my post, he ditched his friends to hang out with me all the time. He would leave parties to call me and talk to me. And the other thing is... he's not a liar. Like, he's too BLUNT to be a liar. He told me a lot of things he didn't have to tell me. It was almost like he was trying to drive me away from the beginning.

 

I know this guy has some serious issues. His parents got divorced when he was eleven and they hate each other now, and his first girlfriend was a disastor, so he's terrified of relationships.

 

But I guess... I don't want to argue with anyone. I don't even know what I'm asking anymore. I just want to understand, you know? But I guess I already do. :-(

 

Don't worry, the plan isn't to hang around waiting, and I deleted his number from my phone. If he texts or calls the plan is to be distant. But... I don't know. I don't know what I'm asking anymore. :-/