Cold feet or not? Is he worth waiting for

[KelBel]

Hey All!

I'm really new to this and never thought I'd write on something like this, but here I am! I've got a long one here but I'll try to keep it as short as possible. If you have any advice please help it's muchly appreciated. Here's the scoop;

 

My boyfriend of 7 years just broke up with me 2 weeks ago Sunday. Not only was it a complete shock to me but aswell to all of our friends and both of our families. His bestfriend didn't even believe me and so I had my ex phone to say it was so. He said that he loved me but his heart didn't long for me and he didn't have that burning desire inside of him. You see he worked out of town for most of the past 4years. Since November he had been home and was going to start working out of town again on a big project starting the end of April. He said that when he's out of town he can go 3 or 4 days without talking to me or missing me. but how does he know that if we talked everyday on the phone. We saw eachother every weekend when he was home.

 

Everyone thought that we were going to get married. We had the relationship that our friends said that's what they want. We bought a house last fall and things were absolutely wonderful. He had sent me emails during that time saying how excited he was and how much fun we're going to have. He'd send me emails saying that he loved me. There were times that other girls flirted with him which obviously makes anyone just a little jealous but I completely trusted him. He said I had nothing to worry about and if any one threw themselves at him he would say that he was happy and was with the love of his life. 4 years ago we did break up around this time aswell for about 4 months. His friends are out of town during winter and only home for the summer. So at that point in time he said that he didn't love me anymore but could picture us getting back together again. Really the reason for the break up was that he wanted to see what it'd be like to be with other girls. We started dating when we were 16/17 and we were eachothers firsts for pretty much everything. At first we always talked but I started being strong and not seeing him as much and talking because how was he going to realize what he lost if I was always there. That month of july we never saw eachother and after the first weekend of August he came back saying how much he missed me.

 

We were absolutely happy these past 4 years. We both did do a huge mistake fooling around with someone else at the start but talked about it. It actually made us realise how much more we wanted to be together. We had moved on from that and things were great ever since. He said especially the past month & 1/2 he was really thinking about this and knows in his heart its the right thing to do. He never talked to me nore anyone else for advice. He said that he came close to wanting to marry me at the end of this past year but for some reason he doesn't know why he never did. He says that he knows that I want to get married but he's not ready anytime soon not for atleast another couple of years. He's not the most affectionate kind of person which some guys aren't. Meaning not always cuddly and stuff like that, which I am but most girls are. I told him that if these little things really bothered me I would have said something but i love him and accept him for who he is. On the way out of town last month while we were driving he asked if I stillwanted to get married in a church. How does this make sense if he said that he was thinking of ending are relationship for a while. We were planning on gettinga dog and were both very excited. Now I've had to move out of our home and feel like I've lost everything. We haven't talked much right now....I'm trying to give him the space and he can determine what amount of space that he needs. Part of me feels ok cause i feel like he's gonna realize how great it was and other parts of me is that all we've been through its nice but move on. I'm worried that he won't come back cause he won't see how great we had it. He's sooo busy at work especially now that he's out of town for 2 weeks at a time that I'm worried that he won't take the time to think about it. He's dropped off my maila few times but we've talked for a few seconds via the phone. I work with his uncle and he thinks that his nephew is making the biggest mistake. I treated him really great and he did too but in different ways. Part of me feels that during this summer he's going to be too busy with work and ever 2nd weekend that he's home he'll keep busy with his friends and family golfing and stuff like that. So I don't think til after the summer when he comes home to an empty house, all friends are out of town again, is when he'll get lots of thinking in. I don't know what to think and today is the first day that I haven't cried. I feel better and I don't know if it's cause of false hopes or not. The thing is all of his best friends are in long term relationships so he'll be kinda a fifth wheel. We had the same circle of friends about 5 of us couples so I'm out witha few of my girlfriends but haven't seen the others since the break.

 

I totally want him back but feel like we need this little break. I don't know if he got cold feet. He says he doesn't he knows this is what he had to do. It hurts when I hear him cause he talks like nothings wrong, and he sounds kinda ok and confident and I don't know if he's hurting at all. He says he still wants to be friends we can't walk away from all that we had. He wants to be there when I need to talk or a shoulder to cry on. Know how i'm doing that sort of stuff. His best friend said that there's pretty much no chance unless his feelings change. His friend feels that he needs to see who else is out there and so if we do the math that's a couple of years. I think that missing someone is just enough. His friend did say that he wasn't told that but got it from the tone of my ex's voice. My ex said that he has given up for now unless his feelings change. And if they do then I'll be the first to know. I had asked if he could still picture us raisinga family together. He said yes, later on I said how is this possible he said maybe he answered the question out of habbit. I think he's just rying to push me away right now to figure things out but sometimes I don't think that cause he seems to know what he's doing. I'm soo confused and lost I don't know what to think anymore.

 

Sorry for talking so long just trying to fit in 7 great years on this little thing

[morrigan]

I really don't think you should patiently wait for your ex to make up his mind. It hurts to end a relationship with someone you loved and had known for a long time, but he wasn't fully committed to the relationship.

 

You have broken up in the past so that he could date other girls; this caused your current breakup and it very well could cause you two to break up yet again if you ever did get back together. It may be cold feet, he may get into another relationship with another person and eventually get married; he may get into another relationship and the same problems will pop up again.

 

It may be months or years before your ex really knows what he wants--and at this point he doesn't want to be with you. Are you willing to put your life on hold for a long period of time for someone who might not ever want to get involved with you again? Neither you nor his friends can change his mind, nor is it right for any of you to do so. It would be like your ex expecting you to wait while he dates other girls until he thinks he's ready to settle down.

 

Give him his space, don't contact him, try to focus on other things. Take up an activity you always wanted to do. Go out and have a good time with your friends. You will miss your ex, you will think of him, but as time passes you will get a clearer perspective and realize that you had a great relationship with him, but there were problems and he wasn't as committed to it as you were. Read some of the posts here on LS--a lot of people have been through the same thing as you. At some point in time, you may meet someone who is ready to have a great relationship with you.

[KelBel]

I feel like we are perfect for eachother... We were committed to oneanother and always did stuff together. The first time we broke up we were still young 19/20 so it's understandable in a way to maybe see what else is out there. He gave me mixed signals that he wants the house, talk about retirement and marriage, talked about our dog, had asked me about the marriage in the church. I just never saw this comming at all. I don't think during the relationship commitment was a factor. I think that he got scared cause he's not ready for the next step and he feels that it's not fair to me. Do you think he just needs to see who else is out there. Or do you think after the summer when all his buddies are gone he'll have time to realize what he lost? I won't wait for him forever. The thing is he doesn't want that in case his feelings never change. I don't know if he doesn't realize what we had was very rare and great. He just wants to be on his own. Do you think back in his mind he's not sure if it was right or maybe it's what he had to do to test his feelings? Do yo think with the space I give him he'll realize wholly I miss this girl? I'm scared that he's not going to have the "balls" to come to me if his feelings do change. We've always communicated with one another and this event was the first time that we didn't. He was the one extrememly excited about getting hte dog and me starting my new career. Maybe things in the last few months were just moving too quickly? I don't know....I don't want to wait but I feel like this is temporary at the same time. That he'd be a fool no to notice. Part of me is like jsut have fun this summer go ona few dates if your asked...my moving on and seeming strong may be more of an attraction to him and realization of what he lost. I'm worried if we cut all ties of communication then he'll never come back and talk to me if his feelings do change.

[morrigan]

No one's psychic--you can't know what he is thinking. I understand that you really love this guy, it sounds like you were ready to get engaged/marry him. Whatever his reasons, he's not ready for a full committment. It may be that he's young, he feels he didn't date enough, etc. Consider this a permanent breakup, no matter how painful it is to think of it like that. It hurts like hell for some time, but it's the best way to view it.

 

It's fine to say hi to him if you see him in public--but I think it will be easier for you to let go if you don't keep up regular contact with him. He may miss you--but he might not miss you enough to want to date you again. Sorry to say that, but don't cling to the hope he will eventually come back. It will only make things more painful for you if you talk to him regularly, and then he goes out with another girl. I think that would really hurt you.

 

Have fun this summer. Don't force yourself to go on dates, but if you meet someone you really find attractive, go ahead and have a good time.

[KelBel]

Thanks for your advice. I just feel like this is so surreal. I just don't understand. I will go have fun this summer. Do you think that after his busy summer that is when he'll have more time to analyze the situation and see if he did the right thing? This completely came out of no-where. I won't wait but part of me wants to. Why would he ever come back if we cut all ties. Why would he come back if he gets the same thing out of another relationship? Do you think with the mixed signals that he may be confused and just needs time apart to think things through? Right now he feels this is the best thing but I don't know why? Is it because i"m not the one or because he doesn't know what to do cause he's not ready for marriage?