Am I a commitment phobe?

[eerie_reverie]

I'm losing interest in my perfect relationship.

 

There is nothing I want to change about my boyfriend, nothing I wish he did or didn't do, and yet, for the last month, each night, lying in his arms, I dream of somebody else.

 

Sometimes it's Jack - the (ex) boss I've had an unrequited crush on for years. More often, it's Wesley, my first love, from whom I've split more than 4 years ago, who seems to sense my longing, reaching out to me from the void the nights my nightmares are worst.

 

After these dreams, it's hard not to question whether we're doomed. Thoughts such as "I would have loved Wes even if he was deformed/ crippled, but my love for __ is not unconditional," sneak up on me during the day, making me feel that all my feelings are fake.

 

Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Do I need to let this guy go?

 

Or should I try to appreciate all the great things he brings to my life - warm dinners each night, great sex, companionship good enough for me to willingly forsake my smoking - and try to make it work?

 

My friends tell me that I'm a commitmentphobic. They say if I ever get engaged, I'll be a runaway bride - and the only way I'm getting married is if the guy proposes a week into dating me, and the wedding is another week later.

 

Given that I've left all my relationships, and have not had a single one lasting more than a couple of months after Wesley, is there a chance they are right?

 

Or do I keep choosing the wrong guys?

[Woggle]

They are right. I would break up with this guy before you really hurt him. Maybe this guy is too good and you need something wrong in order to really be passionate for a man.

[norajane]

Your dreams don't necessarily mean that you want to be with somebody else (even ole Wesley). Your dreams are your subconscious alerting you that you that something is on your mind that you need to think about and address.

 

Being commitment phobic means you have a fear of something. Is that true of you - is there something that you are afraid of that relates to love, intimacy, choosing to commit?

 

Give some thought to what your underlying fears might be. It doesn't sound like they are specific to your bf or your relationship, but that they are unaddressed fears that you've had your whole dating life.

[torn_curtain]

Kinda. With most guys at least. I think you only get attached when the guy is unavailable in some way. The guy being a bit of an ******* or at least having an "edge" also seems to be a thing you like. Wes was dark and blew hot and cold. Your boss was obviously unavailable and because he was your boss you saw him as strong. That guy you dated for a year never fully committed to you in a meaningful way and also was a bit of a jerk in general.

 

Like me you devalue guys who are too thoroughly nice and edgeless. You probably see them as weak and uninteresting, and you start to check out. They also may not make you feel special because you haven't won over somebody who is really difficult to please.

 

Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy but he's extremely nice, available and not especially intense or forceful. He's just a guy, you know? I think you want to be with a guy like this because it seems the most healthy choice but your heart fights back.

 

I'm not sure if this is a preference you could change. Maybe with a lot of therapy, but I doubt you'd be willing to do that. I'm wondering if you could find somebody who was a balance between the two extremes, someone who was emotionally available but more intense and forceful of a person.

 

I wouldn't give up on this relationship just yet, though. Your boyfriend still hasn't told you he loves you and I wonder if that's part of why you're checking out a bit right now. Would you consider telling it to him first and seeing how he responds? If you're still feeling it, at least.

Edited September 19, 2011 by torn_curtain

[Mutant Debutante]

Whoa whoa. Definitely don't say you love him if you're feeling all wishy washy like this, that would be messed up. It does sound like you could have some commitment issues. Does this guy have no edge, like torn said?

[Feelsgoodman]

Or should I try to appreciate all the great things he brings to my life - warm dinners each night, great sex, companionship good enough for me to willingly forsake my smoking - and try to make it work?

This post is a great example of why nice guys finish last. The guy sounds perfect, yet she's bored with him. Why? Because he's too available, he gives too much...he's not a challenge. In order to be content, women need to be on a constant emotional roller coaster. In other words, they need to experience the full range of human emotions: both positive and negative. That's why guys that women fall madly in love with are the type you see in older [no longer PC] movies...the kind of guy who would give her the trouser belt treatment because his dinner is too cold...then forget all about it and make passionate love to her later that night.

[Cee]

I was commitment-phobic because I had no identity so I pushed men away because I was empty. In the end, I realized that no man can make me happy until I can make myself happy. It was a long uphill climb, but I managed to uncover a sense of self-worth and love. And now I am ready to settle down with someone. There is some karmic justice though because I fear my boyfriend will abandon me as I ran from the others. If he leaves, it will serve me right. But all will work out because I finally am a grown up and am able to live on my own.

 

Look into why you want to run. Is it because you know in your heart that you have some growing up to do? Or is it that you've found true love and want to sabotage your own happiness? It is only you who can answer such questions.

[torn_curtain]

I was commitment-phobic because I had no identity so I pushed men away because I was empty. In the end, I realized that no man can make me happy until I can make myself happy. It was a long uphill climb, but I managed to uncover a sense of self-worth and love. And now I am ready to settle down with someone. There is some karmic justice though because I fear my boyfriend will abandon me as I ran from the others. If he leaves, it will serve me right. But all will work out because I finally am a grown up and am able to live on my own.

 

Look into why you want to run. Is it because you know in your heart that you have some growing up to do? Or is it that you've found true love and want to sabotage your own happiness? It is only you who can answer such questions.

 

At what age did you find yourself, how long did it take and what'd you do to get there? Sorry for all the questions.

[Kamille]

I was commitment-phobic because I had no identity so I pushed men away because I was empty. In the end, I realized that no man can make me happy until I can make myself happy. It was a long uphill climb, but I managed to uncover a sense of self-worth and love. And now I am ready to settle down with someone. There is some karmic justice though because I fear my boyfriend will abandon me as I ran from the others. If he leaves, it will serve me right. But all will work out because I finally am a grown up and am able to live on my own.

 

Look into why you want to run. Is it because you know in your heart that you have some growing up to do? Or is it that you've found true love and want to sabotage your own happiness? It is only you who can answer such questions.

 

I had a penchant for commitmentphobia and relationship sabotage up until a few years ago (late 20s early 30s). My main issue was that I hated feeling vulnerable. As such, I would resort to all sorts of shanigans to avoid revealing too much of myself. It would lead me to be non-assertive or to be too aggressive (in the sense that I would end up "mothering" some of the guys I dated).

 

There are reasons why I developed those relationship strategies linked to my upbringing. My parents were very intolerant of negative emotions. (From anger to sadness). So I never learned to rely on others when feeling sad or to turn to others to help me resolve conflicts when feeling anger. I have had to learn, in recent years, how to ask for and get the support I need. (It feels wonderful and liberating by the way!)

 

I don't know if anything similar is happening with you ER. You sound to me like someone who easily lapses into the "dominant" partner when you're with nice guys. My question is: do you take on that role so as to not feel vulnerable? Similarly, are you attracted to unavailable men or men who have no patience for (your) vulnerability because you yourself have no patience for it?

Edited September 20, 2011 by Kamille

[eerie_reverie]

Thanks a lot for the responses. I've been doing some additional thinking and have come up with two qualities in my bf that are giving me doubts:

 

1. He is shy. I love his introversion as it makes him reflective and easy to connect with for me, but along with it comes the fact that he is completely unaggressive. I fear he won't be able to fight when it comes to important things down the road. (Example from my past: I would have died in a sihtty hospital in Eastern Europe as a child if it weren't for my grandfather, who threatened to kill the doctor if something happened to me. I'm not sure my bf would be able to pull something like this, even if the lfie of someone he loved was at stake. I've always been attracted to aggression but I've got a lot more fight in me than he does.)

 

2. He is not athletic enough. I am pretty sure I can out-lift him. I don't know if this is an unrealistic/ shallow expectation. After all, he works out and lives a fairly healthy lifestyle. I just happen to work out a lot more.

 

Give some thought to what your underlying fears might be. It doesn't sound like they are specific to your bf or your relationship, but that they are unaddressed fears that you've had your whole dating life.

 

I'm scared there is someone better out there for me, that I can do "better", that I'm not attracted enough to him to sustain this for the long haul, that I will lose my freedom, and that I won't love him completely (as I loved my ex).

 

None of these fears are specific to him - I've had them in every relationship since Wesley - but I wonder if they indicate I'm with the wrong guy.

 

I don't know if anything similar is happening with you ER. You sound to me like someone who easily lapses into the "dominant" partner when you're with nice guys. My question is: do you take on that role so as to not feel vulnerable? Similarly, are you attracted to unavailable men or men who have no patience for (your) vulnerability because you yourself have no patience for it?

 

I am definitely the dominant partner in most of my relationships. I am atracted to nice guys initially (and I do actively seek out healthy relationships, IMO) so that's the type I usually date.

 

In some ways, this works for me, because I am able to get the types of relationships I think I want. As a case in point, on the surface, my current relationship is everything I've been looking for.

 

However, with non-nice guys (aggressive guys who in my experience have also all happened to be cheaters AND *******s) my attraction stays high, I never feel like I'm "settling", but I compromise on everything, disappear into their identities, and am by and large miserable and insecure.

 

I have no idea why I'm wired this way (it's not all that uncommon judging by the number of threads on this board alone). You are probably on to something re: the vulnerability tho. I know HIS displays of vulnerability instantly turn me off.

 

I don't know if mine is an issue of needing to change how I'm wired, or being able to identify where the right balance is, and how to find it.

[Art_Critic]

I'm losing interest in my perfect relationship.

 

Maybe jumping in with both feet would help.

 

You have always struck me to never be fully "in" always one foot out the door so to speak.

 

Is that part of being a commitment phoebe ? maybe.. but you can over come that if you want..

[Art_Critic]

I'm scared there is someone better out there for me,

 

There might be but you have to learn to live in the moment.. just because there may be someone out there better doesn't mean who we are with isn't the best..

[norajane]

In some ways, I think you might confuse aggressive with assertive. They are not the same thing, though sometimes may overlap. You probably want to feel like you can rely on a guy to take care of you when you need help and support (assertive, or even just persistent), but think that guy needs to be aggressive (losers you've dated that make you feel insecure and miserable, which is the OPPOSITE of how you want to feel: secure and content).

 

Being a strong person yourself, I suspect you don't respect men that aren't as strong as you. However, you perceive aggression as a sign of strength, which it is not.

 

There is something to be said for a quietly assertive man. He doesn't have to be a neanderthal to be able to take care of you. And his behavior should certainly not be aggressive toward YOU (cheating, lying, general assh*le-ish behavior).

 

I'm scared there is someone better out there for me, that I can do "better", that I'm not attracted enough to him to sustain this for the long haul, that I will lose my freedom, and that I won't love him completely (as I loved my ex).

 

None of these fears are specific to him - I've had them in every relationship since Wesley - but I wonder if they indicate I'm with the wrong guy.

A lot of those fears can be self-sabotage. You may be afraid of wanting to "lose your freedom" and voluntarily choosing to commit...those voluntary choices will require you to "change your life" and face your fears, and that's really hard for a lot of people. You may subconsciously torpedo your good relationship with a good man because that's the kind of relationship that will make you WANT to change your life and face your fears. So your head makes you think you're not all that into him...so you walk away before making any life-changing choices such as commitment.

 

You know you won't actually ever commit to one of the losers you dated, so your head doesn't have to do any gymnastics to make you hold back on commitment with them.

 

Do those fears come out in bad relationships with those aggressive men you've dated that made you miserable? Or just with the positive relationships you've had?

Edited September 20, 2011 by norajane

[Kamille]

(Norajane, it's really nice to have you back! :bunny:)

[Woggle]

My only response is break up with him before you hurt him. Don't let him get in too deep only to pull the rug out from under him.

[norajane]

(Norajane, it's really nice to have you back! :bunny:)

 

(Thank you, sweets! )

[eerie_reverie]

In some ways, I think you might confuse aggressive with assertive. They are not the same thing, though sometimes may overlap. You probably want to feel like you can rely on a guy to take care of you when you need help and support (assertive, or even just persistent), but think that guy needs to be aggressive (losers you've dated that make you feel insecure and miserable, which is the OPPOSITE of how you want to feel: secure and content).

 

Being a strong person yourself, I suspect you don't respect men that aren't as strong as you. However, you perceive aggression as a sign of strength, which it is not.

 

There is something to be said for a quietly assertive man. He doesn't have to be a neanderthal to be able to take care of you. And his behavior should certainly not be aggressive toward YOU (cheating, lying, general assh*le-ish behavior).

 

A lot of those fears can be self-sabotage. You may be afraid of wanting to "lose your freedom" and voluntarily choosing to commit...those voluntary choices will require you to "change your life" and face your fears, and that's really hard for a lot of people. You may subconsciously torpedo your good relationship with a good man because that's the kind of relationship that will make you WANT to change your life and face your fears. So your head makes you think you're not all that into him...so you walk away before making any life-changing choices such as commitment.

 

You know you won't actually ever commit to one of the losers you dated, so your head doesn't have to do any gymnastics to make you hold back on commitment with them.

 

Do those fears come out in bad relationships with those aggressive men you've dated that made you miserable? Or just with the positive relationships you've had?

 

Thanks, nora... I thought about what you said all of last night as I hung out with my boyfriend.

 

It must be stated that tho he is quiet, he's NOT a p*s*y. That is one aspect that definitely separates him from all the other "nice guys" I've dated. He's not aggressive, but he knows who he is, and has a definite backbone.

 

I was sick last night and he was so attentive. This morning, he moved my car (so I wouldn't get a ticket) before I woke up. How sweet is that?

 

I am sure I will continue having doubts, because this issue is with me, the way I am wired, to perceive mistreatment as strength. But I hope I can continue reasoning through it.

[westrock]

I am sure I will continue having doubts, because this issue is with me, the way I am wired, to perceive mistreatment as strength. But I hope I can continue reasoning through it.

 

The bolded part caught my attention.

 

This may actually be more a situation where you are perceiving your own strength that is triggered when you are mistreated. When a person is mistreated, their adrenalin goes up which gives them an instant feeling of strength in the short term. Intellectually they know they are being treated poorly, but for some people the emotional adrenalin rush outweighs the mistreatment. For those people, almost paradoxically, they subconsciously seek out the very mistreatment they dislike because for them it triggers an adrenalin rush. However, this is unhealthy in the long term as eventually the mistreatment becomes too much.

 

Your need to feel strong is probably coming from the time you were in that hosptial as a child where you were vulnerable and need to be strong. For you, as a child, not being strong = danger. That feeling makes sense as a child, but as an adult it interferes with relationships. A sign of not being strong such as your b/f not being as physically strong as you, or showing his vulnerabiltiy, is a turn off for you. You need to heal the emotional feelings of being not strong and vulnerable when you were a child in that hospital.

 

In contrast, when one is with a nice calm emotionally healthy person, there is no mistreatment, and hence there is not that constant adrenalin rush. Intellectually the person is great, but since there is no adrenalin being triggered the person becomes bored and chooses to retun back to someone who will give them the adrenalin rush.

 

By recongizing these unhealthy thinking patterns, one can begin to reinterpret situations.

 

When your b/f shows vulnerability, he is actually showing strength. However, when he is vulnerable it also puts you in a mindset where your own vulnerability is triggered. For you it is likely that being vulnerable triggers some past unpleasant and unsafe feelings for you such as when you were a child in that hospital. As such, anything that triggers those unpleasant and unsafe feelings to come up is a turn-off for you.

 

The way through all this is to continue examining your interpretation of situations and recongizing how your interactions with your boyfriend is triggering past unresolved emotions for you.