what on earth is he playing at?

[polka_dot_pixie]

Hello,

 

I know I've already posted but I have felt the need to post with updated information, I really need some advice or explanation, maybe from someone who has been through similar.

 

Basically I don't know what game my bf is playing with me, he is 23 and I am 24, we have been together on/off for 2 and half years, atm we have been together 9 months, we are usually sort of long distance as we go to different universities, however he has just left to do a year abroad, it's not too far being a 1 hour flight but it feels massive, mainly because of the communication issues that have come up.

 

Before he left, things were as fine as they could be, I sadly had lost my brother to cancer whilst my bf was doing his language course abroad and when he came back we had only 2 weeks to spend together and I was grieving, so it was not the best of circumstances however it went well. I expressed my worry that he would stray or that he wanted other people (one girl in particular that he has known as long as me - 4 years - and seems to spend a lot of time online talking to) he told me all the usual things of not to worry, he of course had female friends but he wanted me and not them, and he loved me and not them. He spent his last free night at mine, told me he loved me, we discussed me visiting (he left some of his books for me to bring over on my first visit) and how he could pay half or even full, and then he left. He got the ferry the next day and that was that.

 

We spoke very briefly the day he got there, for about 3 minutes and then he later stood me up on a skype date. I didn't hear from him again til just over a week later when he blamed his lack of communication on internet troubles. We spoke fairly regularly over the next few days, until he abandoned me on skype to answer a call from his 'dad' (which I am suspect of), he then didn't speak to me again until a night or so later when he asked for a sexy picture for a sexy picture, I did my part but he failed on his. Again, over the weekend I heard nothing until I got a txt last night again saying sorry he hadn't been in touch, but his internet was still broken and he had no credit on his phone (and his bank account isn't set up yet so blah blah blah). I didn't reply as this was late at night, I went to sleep then got up and had several errands to run, at dinnertime he txted me again just saying 'hello?' so I txted him back saying I was busy and would write back when I got home. I have, I have rang him, txted him again and had no answer to either.

 

Now the main thing that is annoying me is that I know he is lying, I do not have facebook but I occasionally do go on other's peoples (with their consent lol) and I have noticed him in regular contact with the girl I mentioned earlier (who still lives over here and isn't over there) and other friends, so his internet can't be as bad as he is claiming. I really don't know what to make of all his behaviour, I am so confused, and so hurt that he has no problem talking to these other girls but not me, his girlfriend! I really just want to know what he is playing at, and I know I should ask him but I don't want to until we are in person (I have a flight booked for 2 weeks), we have also had several arguments in the past few months about him feeling like he can't have friends if they're girls because I just accuse him of cheating all the time or wanting them instead. I want to be okay with all of it but it is hard when he finds time for them and not me! What is going on? I am really, really struggling at the moment, I'm anxious all the time, I need some advice badly!

 

Thank you

[KathyM]

Hello,

 

I know I've already posted but I have felt the need to post with updated information, I really need some advice or explanation, maybe from someone who has been through similar.

 

Basically I don't know what game my bf is playing with me, he is 23 and I am 24, we have been together on/off for 2 and half years, atm we have been together 9 months, we are usually sort of long distance as we go to different universities, however he has just left to do a year abroad, it's not too far being a 1 hour flight but it feels massive, mainly because of the communication issues that have come up.

 

Before he left, things were as fine as they could be, I sadly had lost my brother to cancer whilst my bf was doing his language course abroad and when he came back we had only 2 weeks to spend together and I was grieving, so it was not the best of circumstances however it went well. I expressed my worry that he would stray or that he wanted other people (one girl in particular that he has known as long as me - 4 years - and seems to spend a lot of time online talking to) he told me all the usual things of not to worry, he of course had female friends but he wanted me and not them, and he loved me and not them. He spent his last free night at mine, told me he loved me, we discussed me visiting (he left some of his books for me to bring over on my first visit) and how he could pay half or even full, and then he left. He got the ferry the next day and that was that.

 

We spoke very briefly the day he got there, for about 3 minutes and then he later stood me up on a skype date. I didn't hear from him again til just over a week later when he blamed his lack of communication on internet troubles. We spoke fairly regularly over the next few days, until he abandoned me on skype to answer a call from his 'dad' (which I am suspect of), he then didn't speak to me again until a night or so later when he asked for a sexy picture for a sexy picture, I did my part but he failed on his. Again, over the weekend I heard nothing until I got a txt last night again saying sorry he hadn't been in touch, but his internet was still broken and he had no credit on his phone (and his bank account isn't set up yet so blah blah blah). I didn't reply as this was late at night, I went to sleep then got up and had several errands to run, at dinnertime he txted me again just saying 'hello?' so I txted him back saying I was busy and would write back when I got home. I have, I have rang him, txted him again and had no answer to either.

 

Now the main thing that is annoying me is that I know he is lying, I do not have facebook but I occasionally do go on other's peoples (with their consent lol) and I have noticed him in regular contact with the girl I mentioned earlier (who still lives over here and isn't over there) and other friends, so his internet can't be as bad as he is claiming. I really don't know what to make of all his behaviour, I am so confused, and so hurt that he has no problem talking to these other girls but not me, his girlfriend! I really just want to know what he is playing at, and I know I should ask him but I don't want to until we are in person (I have a flight booked for 2 weeks), we have also had several arguments in the past few months about him feeling like he can't have friends if they're girls because I just accuse him of cheating all the time or wanting them instead. I want to be okay with all of it but it is hard when he finds time for them and not me! What is going on? I am really, really struggling at the moment, I'm anxious all the time, I need some advice badly!

 

Thank you

I think it's really hard to maintain a long distance relationship. I think people need their SO to be present often enough in order to be able to keep it on track. When people are physically separated, they are more prone to temptation to develop emotional and physical relationships with others who are more available. My sister's first husband cheated on her when he was living at a college dorm for a year far away from their home. Even though they saw each other on weekends, the time away was too much and provided the temptation. Of course, there are better men who would resist the temptation that separation provides, but the temptation is there, no doubt, and you are right to be concerned. It would be my advice to break up with him. I don't think it works to maintain a long distance relationship. Very difficult. If you are so inclined to try to make it work, then you're going to have to set some boundaries with him, which he may not like, but they are necessary to protect your relationship with him. He needs to limit his contact with these girl buddies. You, as his girlfriend, have a right to expect him to limit the contact. He needs to keep the conversation topics and interchanges as strictly platonic, and never cross the line into too personal or flirtatious. He should have a picture of the both of you on his fb page, and you should have full access to his fb page and review it from time to time. Stop accusing him of cheating or of wanting other women. That will drive him away. Just discuss with him the importance of boundaries in a relationship in order to protect it, and let him know that you would like to do whatever you can to make sure it works out. Let him know that you respect his right to have friends, but that there needs to be some boundaries in place to protect your relationship with him. Then suggest the boundaries you would like to establish: limit the contact with girl buddies. Stick with platonic topics and exchanges. Have access to his fb page, and you should be very evident in his fb postings so that interested parties are well aware that you and he are a serious couple. Those are reasonable expectations for a serious couple.

[FitChick]

When you visit him, tell him you want to meet all of his friends. Have them take pictures of the two of you together in touristy places so he can put them on Facebook. That way they will mention you, perhaps like you, and you can ask about them, maybe even contact them yourself as a friend. If he has girl friends, you can have boy friends, right?

[polka_dot_pixie]

as much as the girls do upset me, i'm more upset with his communication, I don't understand why he is constantly telling me excuses, we were friends before we got together and I saw him end it with other girls, and he has previously also split up with me, so I don't understand his behaviour. It feels like I'm waiting to get the dreaded text or email or something from him, but if he wanted to end it I don't see why he never did it before he left. It's really really getting to me now, I had a missed call from him this morning but every effort I have tried to contact him all day has resulted in nothing... it's very much mixed signals and I don't know if I am just over-reacting or if he is just stringing me along for some reason or another. I feel exhausted.

[creighton0123]

From an internet connectivity perspective: Skype is quite a bit more sensitive to slow internet connectivity than websites. Crap connectivity can be the difference between a message taking 5 minutes to send to never sending - or being unable to resolve a voice or video call.

 

Either way, his excuses are shady. Watch yourself.