Ex admits he made mistake and is going to make it up to new gf?

[stillhurt]

From my previous posts, you guys know of my mistake last week. I met the ex and things got out of hand. We spoke 2 more times on the phone after the incident and he said that he is not going to tell his current gf what happened between us. He said the best he can do from here on end is to treat her right from now on. He wants to go down that path and see where they will end up. Said that he doesn't love her, but he thinks he can. WTH! He's really proving himself to be a douche bag! He also made it sound like I only had one thing to offer him. It makes me doubt myself. Seriously, she can have him.

 

I said that it was his decision, but I think it's messed up and selfish of him to do that to her. He said that as long as he doesn't make the same mistake again and she never finds out, he will be ok with his decision. I also told him that he let me down and that he knew that it was not just a physical thing for me and he said that he realized it after the fact. How convenient. But, he's still in the same place he was months ago. Now, he hopes that he can make it up to his current gf. And, I said, that's great, I guess I was the only one that got hurt in this situation. The worse thing is that before we even met up he was saying that he wasn't totally happy with her, but he didn't want to break up with her. And, then after we met up he still said things like is "not over me" and he doesn't know where we will end up. He always gives a little hint that he might want to come back. He's an idiot if he thinks I am still going to be waiting around when he is done with this girl. I know that even if he came back, it would just be to use me. I know he knows that I loved him deeply and really wanted us to try again, but I think I am finally growing a spine when it comes to him. He has played with me too many times to count now and I hopefully have had my fill of his crap.

 

I just feel bad for the poor girl. Truth is he will make it up to her, temporarily. He's one of those, when he feels for you...he will give you everything and you will feel like you are the only one in the world. He has admitted that she thinks he's great. (probably why he doesn't want to try with me again since I saw the ugliest side) But I think it's cruel to do that to someone when you already know how you really feel about them and what you did to them in your supposed "honeymoon" phase. I don't know where they will end up, for all I know, she may become his wife. But, this is not how I would build my foundation for my relationship.

 

What do you guys think?

[Mack05]

I think he is so full of *****. The guy has no moral compass. He will tell people exactly what they want to hear. He is a gameplayer, he is sneaky, he is a coward and can never be trusted. I could write so much more about this guy, but honestly he is not the problem here. You are...Despite everyone on this site telling what this guy was like, you still slept with him knowing he had a girlfriend. You are just as bad as he is. Anyone with a shred of decency and self esteem, would have seen this guy for what he truly is. Yet you still slept with him. How would you feel, if a girl did that to you knowing you were his girlfriend!?. There are no excuses for what you did stillhurt, so the finger of blame is pointing in the wrong direction. It should be pointed squarely at you.

 

I posted this one day before you slept with him.."Yet I have no doubt in my mind you will make the same mistakes with this guy. If you go NC, I will make a cast iron promise to you...You will be saved months of heartbreak. By going NC you will take your power from him and back to you. I bet his ego won't hack it of you say u dont want to meet him and you go full NC. Ignore his attempts at meeting and reclaim your life back. I have a strong feeling you will follow your heart and make the mistake. Hope I am wrong.." I knew after I posted that, in one ear and out the next.

 

The same day I posted the above, you were incredibily still defending the guy!!.."The problems only started showing when I refused to sleep over/move in after 1 year together. He purchased an apt at the time and thought we were going to move in together, but I agreed. And we fought about it a lot for the 2nd year. I live with my family and they are ultra-conservative so I was scared to disappoint my parents. (I was 32 at the time, he was 36...so you can understand why it drove him crazy) And, even then he continued to try to please me, but his heart wasn't in it anymore and "I think he still honestly cares about my well being and I him"..I couldn't believe I was reading this Baloney!!

 

Geegirl and many other posters tried to make u see sense. You replied "I feel like your post about the clown. Getting smacked each time. Ever since our conversation, I have been hoping he will reach out again, but of course he hasn't! I saw an invite to gchat from him and actually called him, thinking he wanted to chat. But, he said that it's cause i didn't reply to his text and he was trying to find me. He ended the call with, I will catch up with you another time. Classic brush off "..So you knew you were going to get smacked by the clown and you went looking for him anyway. You need to ask yourself the question why? Normally it's a classic sign of low self esteem.

 

Whether you tell his new girlfriend the kind of man he is, I will leave it to other posters to give you that advice. In my opinion you need to focus on you (not him). What happens to him, happens to him but the guy is a scumbag and doesn't deserve one more second of your thoughts. You need to focus on your flaws and the mistakes you made in the relationship/after the relationship. Instead of focusing on why he is this and that. Focus on why you did such a horrible thing. I made the same mistake at the end of my last relationship, as in I focused on my ex's faults and not my own. Until it dawned on me, that I made bad mistakes in the relationship and that I needed to rectify and learn from those mistakes and make myself a better man..The problem wasn't my ex. It never was. It was me.

 

You need to look in the mirror and take responsibility for your actions. If you do that and put in the hard personal work on yourself, maybe you can look in the mirror down the line and like yourself again..And for god's sake never contact him again!!!!!!!!!!

Edited September 19, 2011 by Mack05

[geegirl]

Stillhurt, I am going to be cruel to be kind. You've already overstepped boundaries by sleeping with him while has a girlfriend. He may not have a moral compass, but by associating yourself with a goat, you will begin to smell like a goat. And by that I mean, while you've acknowledged the fact that you feel bad about what you did towards his girlfriend, you again, cross the boundaries of their relationship by talking to him twice after sleeping with him. If you really feel bad for his girlfriend, STEP AWAY. This is their relationship and a pig that both of them will have to wrestle with. If you can’t control your emotions, then at least control your reactions based on your principles and your morals.

 

After this man slept with you, point blank told you he just wanted sex, point blank said that he is over you-wants another life-wants to be with his gf, you still went to him and gave yourself to him. And now you speak to him, and again get lambasted emotionally, short of taking s*** and smearing it all over your face, you're now questioning the audacity of his words?

 

Do you really think that words that spew out from his mouth carry truth? He is a game player. He uses words to manipulate women. He is not proving himself to be a douche bag. HE IS. He will always be this way. He’s hardwired this way. I’m getting to a point where I cannot blame him for his actions because he is doing exactly what he is programmed to do. We know his role in all of this. What is your role? I bet he comes talking to you again and you go back talking to him. And if you do, don’t come back saying you feel bad for his girlfriend because if the shoe was on the other foot, you would not take kindly to your boyfriend talking to an ex-girlfriend.

 

Let's be honest. You don't feel bad for the poor girl. If you felt bad for the poor girl, you will stay out of it. The only reason you are still in it is because you cannot grasp the fact that he chose her over you. You may say things like, "She can have him", "I feel bad for the poor girl", etc. but the sorry fact is that you're trying to pretend that you're better off when the truth is, you can't stand that he wants to go back to her. You're asking if a cheater and a manipulator has what it takes to build a strong foundation with someone? You know the answer to this. You want us to come here and say NO because you want the relief of knowing that it's not going to work between the two of them. It's not about you caring about her and what she's getting into.

 

Stop focusing on their relationship and the potential that they do and don’t have. Stop focusing on the “poor girl” getting involved with a douche. You are that “poor girl” too. If she is a poor girl for being involved with him, what does that make you? Chances are, what he gave you will be no different from what he gives her. He will always be the douche that he is. Focus on what he did to you and why you tolerated that behavior and start working on yourself. Please do not take his calls or emails or whatever form of communication. Respect his decision and respect the girlfriend and her relationship with him but most of all, respect yourself by removing yourself from him. Although, I have a strong feeling you will be in contact with him again. This is not a break up that just happened last week or a month ago. He's given you ample time to show you who he really is. It's time for you to bite reality and start working on yourself and asking yourself what about YOU is making you feel this way. He's not at fault for making you feel bad anymore. You are.

Edited September 19, 2011 by geegirl

[novus69]

It's all about the ego. The ego needs fed when we are let down and disappointed. We need to be re-assured.

 

I went back twice "for more", looking back I feel like a complete dumb$%^.

It was pointless....he would act all nicynice for a couple days and it all would go back to the same mess. Actually worse, because then he would throw things in my face constantly and tried to make me the bad guy.

Let's just say IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOUR SELF-ESTEEM.

 

When we first broke up, I moved out and did not see him for 6 weeks. We did have contact, which was a MISTAKE! I should have ended it all right there.

 

Instead, I left "the door open", and yes, I believe it was really just to feed my ego....and yes, I still loved him.....BUT, I knew within my heart that it would never work down the road, too much had happened to be able to reconcile.

 

I no longer blame him, I BLAME MYSELF! It wasn't him in the sense that I had all the warning bells and whissles anyone could have asked for and I still went for it. So who's to blame? Moi!

 

We were simply not compatible, even though we had so much in common, however, there were some serious differences in core values, such as trust, respect, and faithfulness.

 

As I said, we ended up giving it a couple more tries and it was a complete waste of time and I am only left to feel completely used, after what more I found out and discovered. I could never ever trust him again, so why put him through it as well?

 

I'm not going to judge why you slept with him knowing he had a girlfriend already, yet I can only tell you that you need to take a serious look at your ego and be careful. By trying to satisfy your ego, you are only going to hurt yourself further and loose respect for yourself.

 

End it completely, never talk to him or see him again, that is the only way to go. It is hard as hell but it has been done and it does get better. I think you are taking enjoyment in the fact that he is only using her, makes you feel better. Why would you even give a s$%^ what this guy does now.

Take back your power, feed your ego with other things, the love of family, friends, do something nice for others, get busy, learn something new!

 

I use a quick "tool" when I think of the ex for whatever reason, and ask myself this: If I had a daughter, would I want her to be in a relationship with a man like this? I already know the answer and you do too.

Why is it that we do not want more for ourselves? THAT is what you need to ask yourself and work on!

Edited September 19, 2011 by novus69

[stillhurt]

I have not contacted him again! And I am taking full responsibility for my actions. If she were to come and slap me I would totally understand. I deserve it. It was because of her that I went NC for 3 months before, not because of me. I feel like s*%$ for doing that to her and myself. I don't know why I even did it. None of it was worth all the guilt I feel now. I know what I did was wrong and am not just blaming him for what happened. I was a fool for so long and I know that I will never do something so messed up again. I will not contact him again and haven't since my last post a few days ago.

 

I know the problem was me this time and it's something I have to live with. And, I am not going to tell his gf, it's not my position to. I am not proud at all of what I did. That's not what I meant by the post, more like I was just venting. They can live their life and it has nothing to do with me. I know all that. It doesn't matter if he's a good guy or bad guy, it has nothing to do with me anymore.

 

And, no, I will not contact him again. Like you guys said, I have been the problem here and I realize that. I allowed all this to happen, because I thought he still cared, but now I know that I believed in the wrong person. Seriously, I believed everything he told me for so long it's a joke. Trust me, you guys don't have to tell me what an ass I have been in the last week. It's sad to think that one week ago I still had pride and self-respect and am now a piece of crap in people's eyes.

 

It's me, and I feel like a loser for committing all this crap and letting him do it to me. My self-esteem might have had issues before, but it's in the crapper now.

[geegirl]

You may have not contacted him Still, but you claim to have taken two calls from him after you slept with him. Whether he calls or you call, you made contact. You came here and fessed up about sleeping with him and you were told not to go back, especially after he told you point blank he just wanted you for sex. This is not a break up you just had. If it was, we would understand the difficulty in letting go emotionally. But you've had months to get yourself focused on who this man is and what his intentions are. You still dropped all sense of restraint and logic and went to him.

 

Stop talking about her being the "poor gir". You are no different from her. The only difference is, is that she doesn't see him for who he is, yet. But you do so that makes you worst off than her.

 

He didn't do anything to you that you didn't allow him to. If this last episode doesn't give you a boot up the butt, hard enough to get you to see the reality of him and what's become of you entangling yourself with him, then I don't know what else will.

 

Stop taking his calls. And even if he breaks up with his girlfriend tomorrow, I hope to God you stay away from him.

[Mack05]

Stillhurt, I have made many a mistake. More than you, I have no doubt about that. I couldn't get over my mistakes and I ended up suffering from depression. It took four months of therapy, loads of reading/self learning and alot of support from family and friends to get back on track..I'm still not all the way back yet. I still have some insecurity issues and while my self esteem has come back alot, I realised after a recent holiday I still have more work to do.

 

One of the first steps of recovery was forgiving myself. Personal mistakes I made (gambling), things I said and did to ex's, sometimes hurting family etc etc. The list goes on and on. You are a good person, I can tell that through your remorse. I am a good person too and we all deserve a second/third/fourth/fifth (whatever it takes) chance at life. A chance to redeem ourselves in the eyes of others, but more importantly in our own eyes. Sometimes our ex's don't see the improvements we make but we owe it to everyone we hurt in life, to learn from our mistakes and try never to repeat them again. To constantly work on being better people.

 

I believe you when you say you will never contact him from here on in.. That right there is a massive step forward. Now you can focus on your personal recovery. Work on rebuilding self esteem. There are loads of articles on the web on how to rebuild self esteem. The one bit of advice I give to you, is forgive yourself and truly mean it..If you can do that and never contact your ex again, you are well on the way to be the best version of you. You will get there and when you do, thats when you start attracting the right kind of guys. I wish you well..

Edited September 19, 2011 by Mack05

[stillhurt]

GeeGirl,

 

Yes it's been months, but the thing you guys don't understand is that he didn't show any of this douche bag behavior until after we broke up. This was not the guy that I was with for 2 years. We ended things cause he wasn't happy. And, I am not making it up, am not defending him or anything. I am not saying he was perfect by any means, but I just never thought he was a cheater. Obviously, now I know he is an untrustworthy person to be dealing with. After we broke up, as soon as he started dating someone, I backed off. I never contacted him. I never even sent one text after he started dating someone. He was the one that reached out. And, usually we would only talk about how it was a shame we couldn't make it work, and how things were going in our lives.

 

The thing is I always believed that he cared about me while we were together, and even after we broke up. We respected each other and we were always friendly when we chatted. It never got really ugly between us, ever. Maybe I was too naive. I truly don't know how ex's are supposed to be with each other. Like I said he did not cheat on me or any of that while we were together. I think this is why I had so much trouble letting him go. The 1st time we met up I had no idea that we would hook up. I was just picking my stuff up. At the time he told me that the girl and him were just casually dating and it was not serious at all. They had only started less than 1.5 months ago. I can forgive myself that time, bc she was not his gf and he said that he would stop seeing her. He said that she knows he wasn't looking for anything serious. Of course, I believed him.

 

So, after that, he claimed for awhile that he still had feelings for me up to the end of June, but he was confused. And, of course he never broke up with her. So, I backed off then too cause he said he was starting to have feelings for her. I really did not want to hurt her. He has even said that if I had contacted him more we would probably be back together. It was all very confusing for me since I didn't want to seem like I was breaking them up. Now he was starting to seem like a jerk and playing with my feelings. So, this time I went NC. Cold turkey. No texts, chats, calls, absolutely NC! I lasted 3 months.

 

I don't really know what made me do what I did this time around. It's sick. All the control I had went out the window cause I guess I still wanted to believe that he still cared. What the hell is wrong with me? Months of work down the drain. I know you guys think I am a jerk for what I did, but I struggled and fought the whole time. And, I lost. I don't expect anyone to really understand as I don't even truly understand how I went so far.

 

I know that I need to work on myself and find out why I let myself down to this degree. I really cannot believe that I did something so atrocious. I went 1 step forward and 100 steps back. It's sad, because I know if I had gotten over this hump I would've been over it and proud of the way I carried myself through it all. But, now I am just ashamed. It's like novus69 said, I would not want my daughter with someone like him and I would very likely look down at someone who has done what I have done. And, you guys see me in the same horrible light. This was a painful lesson to learn.

[Mack05]

GeeGirl,

 

Yes it's been months, but the thing you guys don't understand is that he didn't show any of this douche bag behavior until after we broke up.

 

He did stillhurt. You chose not to see it.

 

Like I said he did not cheat on me or any of that while we were together

 

He did Stillhurt...

Edited September 19, 2011 by Mack05

[stillhurt]

I guess all I discovered I must've been blind and stupid then

Edited September 19, 2011 by stillhurt

[geegirl]

You know Still, my ex was the epitome of Douchebaggery. He was the perfect boyfriend for awhile. And granted some guys can carry that persona until they can't do it anymore. Then the ugly side comes through. I would have never thought my ex was capable of the things he did. But he was. That was who he really was. Your ex, you know who he is? The guy that was able to cheat on his current girlfriend and blatantly tell you he just wanted you for sex. That is who he truly is.

 

So, the fact that the first time he was supossedly "casually dating" someone, he was able to get you into his life was the green light that he could possibly do it again. It's not confusing. When a man is genuine, has intergrity and honesty, he will pick one. Not two. But one.

 

"Jerk" was always in this guy. He just never chose to show you. If he was an upstanding guy like who he was in your relationship, those character traits will follow through and continue because that is what he is made of. They don't just stop. The man that you see now is who he really is. It's hard for me to believe he never cheated on you.

 

You did what you did. You are sorry for sleeping with him and we all know that. I even told you that you can't beat yourself for doing it as you were emotionally driven and sometimes we do crazy things. But if you continue to take his calls and still roll in the mud with him, then what is the point in feeling all this remorse. You should have cut him the moment you knew you made a terrible mistake and when he told you after he used you for sex. That's the point. No one is looking at you in a horrible light. We are wanting you to open your eyes and be concious of your words and actions and how they are detrimental to you in every facet of who you are.

 

Now, pull up your boot straps. This is a painful lesson learned. No more calls. No more texts. No more justifying. We all have gone from 1 to 100 steps back. If I told you the dumb things I did, you'd want to give me a lashing! But that was the past and I have learned from it. And you will learn from this too. Nothing to be ashamed about. You fell in the hole once and you are going to get back up. Leave their life behind and focus on yours and working on why you are doing the things you do.

Edited September 19, 2011 by geegirl

[stillhurt]

Thanks guys. Very very harsh words but I deserve it and need it. I don't want to make the same mistake again. I do not want to be on the same level as he is. I convinced myself that all this happened cause he might still have feelings for me, but I was lying to myself. It's time for me to realize that this relationship has done nothing but make me a worse human being and so far from where I really want to be. I started NC on Sat. and I want to go all the way this time. I feel like crying because I have to start all over, lower than I started.

[Mack05]

The one bit of advice I give to you, is forgive yourself and truly mean it..

 

Stillhurt you need to stop beating yourself up. What is done is done. Time to take the lessons learnt, forgive yourself and move on.

[geegirl]

Thanks guys. Very very harsh words but I deserve it and need it. I don't want to make the same mistake again. I do not want to be on the same level as he is. I convinced myself that all this happened cause he might still have feelings for me, but I was lying to myself. It's time for me to realize that this relationship has done nothing but make me a worse human being and so far from where I really want to be. I started NC on Sat. and I want to go all the way this time. I feel like crying because I have to start all over, lower than I started.

 

Sugarcoating and coddling will keep you stuck in fantasy land, Still. I'm sorry that I was harsh and the last thing you need is to be hurt by words here. But I believe you too caught up with a farce image rather than the truth.

 

Sometimes we have to fail at NC a few times before we realize and appreciate what a gift NC truly is. You've fallen off the wagon. You get up again. You don't stay fallen. You stop beating yourself up about starting all over again. Think of it as your final lesson and your journey begins now. Now is when you truly start moving forward. This time you'll get there sooner because you've been there before and you know what to expect and you know that you'll reach a stage of relief at some point. It's not unattainable. You've been there before. 3 days NC and counting.

[sleepykitten]

Stillhurt-I failed at Nc the first few times. In June, we broke up end of May, we were still sleeping together, unbeknown to me he had started dating someone else 3 days later and she was his g/f by 11th june, i even asked him each time i saw him "are you seeing anyone, have you met anyone" each time he replied, no of course not etc etc. This is the one thing now that when i look back on I cant stand him for, this to me is worse than the break up, not becasue i feel sorry for her but for his lying and I felt like an idiot. But I shaould have gone nc from the start, I know know i would never sleep with an ex again. But yet, i still met up with him on his request a month later, mainly because at the time i felt strong and together and wanted to see what he wanted, turns out, not much really, to ease his conscience, have his ego stroked, be friends, told me a few things like he was only with this new girl to help him "heal", etc. At the time i wanted him to want me again, wanted him to contact me again with deep regret etc, but after a few days, week or so once all that had died down and i had been feeling sad again seeing him brought back alot of the hurt etc, i realised, he made his decision, yes he may be unhappy with it but even if he did make an effort, i dont want him back, i dont need him to make me happy, he treated me like crap,i let him. This revelation that and being sick of feeling so low, spurred me on to do nc for the right reasons. Its been 15 days today and yes its up and down, but I too have been in that low place youre in and so have most of us on here, we have all done things that make us feel bad and we wish we hadnt, learn from it, use it to drive you forward.