Pacing and losing interest

[dounia]

Hi,

About a month ago I met a guy online, we met up for coffe, and we had a lot of chemistry and really hit it off. I very much enjoyed spending time with him. He went out of town for a week after that, and he emailed a few times to set up another date. But I felt a little overwhelmed by the attn he was giving me while he was out of town. He sent a lot of emails, texts, etc. We had set up a dinner for after he got back, and I ended up rescheduling because I felt a little overwhelmed by the interest he was showing.

 

We ended up having another date, which was nothing short of "magical." He left for another trip right after that. (No, these weren't excuses and he's not traveling constantly under normal circumstances. It just happened to be a few weeks of his vacation time when we met.)

While he was gone on this trip, he was texting me every night, sending emails sometimes several times a day, etc. He was exceedingly sweet. At this point, I was feeling pretty caught up in the heady romantic air he was stirring up. However, I was also wary because he was laying it on pretty thick. He wanted to set up another date for almost immediately after he returned from his trip.

 

We had lunch a day or so after he returned, when he suggested I meet his kids. (He was divorced a few years ago and has two teenagers.) I thoguht this was a bit premature but didn't want to insult his parenting, since they are his kids and it's his call. It was a quick introduction and the kids seemed nice. He then invited me to a couple things during the upcoming week.

 

We spent some time together during the week, and then that weekend. I did feel it was all moving too fast, and I wasn't sure how to slow it down. I should have declined some of the invites but I was really enjoying his company. Suddenly he blurts out that he has a lot going on in the next week and to not expect to see him. I decided to have a convo with him about how it seemed to be going pretty quickly, blah blah. That convo started out sounding like we were ending things, but finished like we were going strong. It was pretty confusing. We both agreed that we got rather excited and to slow things down, however.

 

He continued sending me emails and texts that coming week, and I kind of thought oh jeez, so this is slowing down? Then, on Thursday, he invited me out for Sat. I accepted and we had a lovely time. After Thursday, the good night texts, the texts to say hi, the emails, etc have completely stopped. He may have come to realize it was too much, but he also might be losing interest. I'm so confused!

 

So,what to make of all of this activity and silence? I don't necessarily want someone texting and emailing me all the time, but this seemed to be his style. He seems rather traditional in that he wants to do the asking, paying, courting, etc. I am trying to let him do that. I am also really confused by how thick he laid it on and how much he's backed off. Is he "slowing down" or just losing interest?

 

I am considering offering to make him dinner, because he is always taking me to nice things and I want to do somethince for him. Is this premature? Given that I am not hearing from him with nearly the intensity as before, should I rather be laying back and waiting for him to come to me?

Help!

Edited September 19, 2011 by dounia

[Pasttense]

He may have decided that you are losing interest.

 

Yes, I think it would be a good idea to offer to make him dinner. I don't understand why so many women think the men should take all the initiative.

[dounia]

Well I certainly don't think a man needs to do all the initiating. BUT, we did just have a convo regarding how it was moving too fast for him. It was for me, too, but since he is divorced and sharing child care responsibilities, he is less flexible and also, has not dated in decades, so i wanted to give him room to decide how fast to take things. He had started to behave a little oddly and I discussed it with him (as I noted above). I believe he thought I wanted to talk to him about ending it, but I really just wanted to be clear about things since there are a lot of considerations here that I have never encountered (kids/divorce mostly). I made it clear that I was entirely supportive of his responsibilities to his kids and the challenges of dating after being married for 18 yrs. It ended well, I thought, but we didn't talk for a week after that. We had a nice time on Sat eve.

I do suppose that telling him I'd like to fix him dinner would do no harm. I think I'll do that.

[Feelsgoodman]

He continued sending me emails and texts that coming week, and I kind of thought oh jeez, so this is slowing down? Then, on Thursday, he invited me out for Sat. I accepted and we had a lovely time. After Thursday, the good night texts, the texts to say hi, the emails, etc have completely stopped. He may have come to realize it was too much, but he also might be losing interest. I'm so confused!

You are pretty weird. First you complain that his texts and emails are to much. Then, when he corrects his mistake of apparently giving you too much attention, you are worried like he's losing interest. Poor guy...he just can't win.

[Imageiko]

He may have decided that you are losing interest.

 

Yes, I think it would be a good idea to offer to make him dinner. I don't understand why so many women think the men should take all the initiative.

 

I agree with this.

[dounia]

You are pretty weird. First you complain that his texts and emails are to much. Then, when he corrects his mistake of apparently giving you too much attention, you are worried like he's losing interest. Poor guy...he just can't win.

Thanks for the comment, but it appears you are conflating points. Perhaps further explanation is required.

 

It is certainly the case that there were a lot of texts and emails and that it startled me, because many men my age deliberately "keep their cool" and try to not appear over eager. It didn't *bother* me, and I wasn't per se complaining. It startled me because it was different.

 

But the point of my question is not what it means to ME (I know what that is), but what it means for him. I'm discussing how HE communicates, not what I want him to do. If he enjoys sending a lot of texts/emails, that's fine with me. If he'd prefer not, that's ok too. People have different styles, though. Texting and emaililng a lot may very well be the way he shows interest. So, regardless of how I initially felt about it, a change in communicative behavior may indicate a change in what he's communicating. And that's the question.

[dounia]

I agree with this.

 

I suppose it's possible that he thinks I'm losing interest. But, I have expressed my interest verbally. Perhaps that didn't get through to him. Thanks for the replies!

 

For the person who thought I was complaining about one thing and then complaining when he corrected it, I'm not sure how he could think he's "correcting" anything since I never complained to him about it.

Edited September 19, 2011 by dounia

[dounia]

I got that you weren't "complaining" - that you were just confused as to sudden change in communiation levels and enthusiasm.

 

Sorry I can't help you as none of us know what is going on in his head (though I have asked similar question myself in the past).

 

You could invite him out to something as he has been so hot in pursuit I suppose. Cooking dinner might be premature if you are not sure of his interest at the moment. But either way, it will all become clearer in time.

 

 

Thanks for understanding. I went ahead and asked if he might enjoy if I cooked him dinner. I guess I'll see how that goes. It just made since because he's been treating me to some very nice things lately, and because we *just* had a convo about how he simply cannot cook and he just eats out all the time. Since I don't make the kind of money he does, I can't really treat him to things the way he is treating me, but I can treat him to a nice dinner. Hopefully nothing squirrely is going on and he'll enjoy it.