When they say mean things during the breakup

[Shtubes]

We had been dating for 6 months. What are you supposed to make of the fact, during the final confrontation, all of these mean things start coming out of your soon to be ex's mouth? They were not really brought up prior to the confrontation (just hinted at) OR you thought the issues were resolved. She said to me "I never really liked how you dress". I said, "but, you always complimented me on how hot and sexy I was". She said, "well, you see HOW I dress". WTF?? Is that shallow or what? Also, I was keeping my house very clean for her (neat freak) but, she still brought up the fact that, the first couple times she came over, I had dishes in my sink that needed to be washed. I thought that issue was resolved since I made dam sure everything was clean and tidy when she came over, ESPECIALLY the dishes. Yet she STILL brought it up months later!?!? Why didn’t I heed the warning signs and get the hell out BEFORE my heart was broken??? Here are some other things that I thought were red flags but, gave her the benefit of the doubt because I loved her.

 

1. During the first dishes incident, she called me an “absent parent” because my daughters room was messy and because I didn’t have my kids in the house working (doing dishes) . Instead they were outside having fun in the swimming pool.

2. She had a major problem with feet being clean. If I went outside in my bare feet, before I came back into the house I either had to rinse them off with the hose or wipe them with a wet towel or wetwipe. You couldn’t just wipe them off on a rug either cuz the rug (she said) was probably dirty already.

3. She wanted me to shower at night even tho I had my whole life always showered in the morning. If I didn’t shower at night when she was over (which I only did once), there would be a noticeable change in her demeanor.

4. Just prior to the breakup, we went on a trip to Chicago with my two kids and her daughter. We held hands in the car all the way there and had a great time at Shedd Aquarium. On the way back, for some reason( which to this day I don’t know what it was), she was noticeably cold and withdrawn. I asked her what was wrong but, she said everything was fine but basically proceeded to give me the silent treatment (3hrs) all the way back home. I was furious and very hurt as one might imagine. The next two days were not much better with me texting and asking her what was wrong. I got one cold text each day. I even apologized to her without knowing what I had done (or didn’t do). Talk about feeling low and insecure about myself. This led to the breakup.

 

I had been giving as much as I could to this woman, trying to make her happy but, couldn’t take it anymore.

 

Why am I hurting so much when I know this person was not right for me?

 

With that being said, we were very compatible in many other areas. And she was totally gorgeous and freaky good in bed. Duh, I guess I’ve got my reason right there:P

Edited September 19, 2011 by Shtubes

[D-Lish]

She sounds like a MAJOR bitch. Thank your lucky stars you're not with her anymore. She sounds like a major control freak.

[dreamcity]

My ex was always dragging up things from the beginning of our relationship (when frankly, I was a bit flaky and not wanting a relationship). I agree, these were warning signs and we probably should have known better but I guess the good things made up for the bad things?

 

Things I got tired of hearing:

1. You never cook (I'm not the world's happiest cook but still did it 4-5 days a week)

2. You never clean (ditto: let's just clarify he was supporting me financially at the time so it was my responsibility)

3. You treated me like **** when we first met (kind of true, but was I to be judged forever on my bahaviour before we were dating)?

 

etc. etc.

 

Just treat all these things as ways to help you get over her.

[Shtubes]

Bump...Can I get a few more responses?

[Kageytn]

She's using those things as an excuse to avoid intimacy and she is a control freak. That's my situation and it could be yours.

 

Mine told me (throughout our relationship) that I was:

1. A horrible mother with no boundaries. Um, no. I've raised two great kids after their father died from cancer. They were 7 and 2. They are awesome-smart, polite, funny.

 

2. I dont keeP a clean house. My house is cluttered. I have a maid.

 

3. He had the shower thing too-took them multiPle times a day.

 

4. Always criticized something about my appearance.

 

I've been on a few dates and the reality check was needed. Compliments. Talked about my kids. Boundaries.

 

You can do better. No contact and she will be on you like a tick on a hound. Girls like that love the chase. Just don't go back!

[Shtubes]

She's using those things as an excuse to avoid intimacy and she is a control freak. That's my situation and it could be yours.

 

Mine told me (throughout our relationship) that I was:

1. A horrible mother with no boundaries. Um, no. I've raised two great kids after their father died from cancer. They were 7 and 2. They are awesome-smart, polite, funny.

 

2. I dont keeP a clean house. My house is cluttered. I have a maid.

 

3. He had the shower thing too-took them multiPle times a day.

 

4. Always criticized something about my appearance.

 

I've been on a few dates and the reality check was needed. Compliments. Talked about my kids. Boundaries.

 

You can do better. No contact and she will be on you like a tick on a hound. Girls like that love the chase. Just don't go back!

 

Well explain this to me... She has used these issues against me and actually BROKE UP WITH ME!! She just did not want to give in and compromise. During the breakup I said "what more do you want from me? You want someone whos perfect don't you... She threw her arms up in the air and said "yes I want someone who's perfect" I said fine. So she leaves and hasn't said a word to me since. I've been emailing for an explanation but she won't respond. I've been SOO extremely ticked off. I had a forest of red flags for months and I didn't end it. She basically has no red flags that I can think of for me and she ends it. Oh yea, and we broke up right after having sex (during which she told me she loved me)!?!? I don't get it.... Someone please explain it to me...

[coltsfan1]

It isn't cause she misses you, its cause she wants to black ball you or just out and out hurt you. She is a terribly selfish and dishonest person. Cut her out and let her deal with being a terrible person. This is from experience, so believe me I lived it.

[betterdeal]

She's mental. You're thinking with your dick. That's all that needs explaining.

 

Put your children a bit higher up your priority list and the hot asian chick fantasy a bit further down it.

[geegirl]

Well explain this to me... She has used these issues against me and actually BROKE UP WITH ME!! She just did not want to give in and compromise. During the breakup I said "what more do you want from me? You want someone whos perfect don't you... She threw her arms up in the air and said "yes I want someone who's perfect" I said fine. So she leaves and hasn't said a word to me since. I've been emailing for an explanation but she won't respond. I've been SOO extremely ticked off. I had a forest of red flags for months and I didn't end it. She basically has no red flags that I can think of for me and she ends it. Oh yea, and we broke up right after having sex (during which she told me she loved me)!?!? I don't get it.... Someone please explain it to me...

 

So, what explanation do you need from her to justify her wanting to break up? I think you should start realizing you dodged a bullet. Even if she gave you an explanation, knowing that she was completely manipulative, controlling and abusive to you is not enough reason for this to end?

 

You want her because you are emotionally attached and taken by her beauty and freakyness, which is pretty shallow and possibly the main reason why you continued latching on to her. I would love to know what you mean when you say you are compatible in many ways. Please share.

 

She's utterly mean and vicious. And eventhough you probably see it, you're hooked. Detaching from a toxic relationship is harder because you've been manipulated and controlled to such an extent that when you leave the R, you can't tell what's right from wrong. I remember my therapist asking me how I felt and I said, "It feels like someone threw me in the dryer and set me on tumble dry during the R and now I'm stepping out not knowing which way is up or down." Detaching is a harder process because not only do you have to heal your broken heart, but you have to heal a broken mind. Toxic Rs strip you of your self esteem and your value. And she did a great job at that by constantly criticizing you, and you accepting it, and if you had a healthy self esteem, you would not have been running around trying to please this woman's every demand to change yourself. You would have had a backbone to stand on your own and not let someone manipulate you and control you that way.

 

Please, stop emailing her for an answer. You already have your answer as to why this will never work out. It will however, if you would like to keep being the recipient of her ill treatment.

Edited September 25, 2011 by geegirl

[Shtubes]

So, what explanation do you need from her to justify her wanting to break up? I think you should start realizing you dodged a bullet. Even if she gave you an explanation, knowing that she was completely manipulative, controlling and abusive to you is not enough reason for this to end?

 

You want her because you are emotionally attached and taken by her beauty and freakyness, which is pretty shallow and possibly the main reason why you continued latching on to her. I would love to know what you mean when you say you are compatible in many ways. Please share.

 

She's utterly mean and vicious. And eventhough you probably see it, you're hooked. Detaching from a toxic relationship is harder because you've been manipulated and controlled to such an extent that when you leave the R, you can't tell what's right from wrong. I remember my therapist asking me how I felt and I said, "It feels like someone threw me in the dryer and set me on tumble dry during the R and now I'm stepping out not knowing which way is up or down." Detaching is a harder process because not only do you have to heal your broken heart, but you have to heal a broken mind. Toxic Rs strip you of your self esteem and your value. And she did a great job at that by constantly criticizing you, and you accepting it, and if you had a healthy self esteem, you would not have been running around trying to please this woman's every demand to change yourself. You would have had a backbone to stand on your own and not let someone manipulate you and control you that way.

 

Please, stop emailing her for an answer. You already have your answer as to why this will never work out. It will however, if you would like to keep being the recipient of her ill treatment.

 

Thanks geegirl... I will reply to your post with a few emails from her (which I have at work) as soon as I can that may shed some light on my plight.

[Shtubes]

Thanks geegirl... I will reply to your post with a few emails from her (which I have at work) as soon as I can that may shed some light on my plight.

 

Well I guess I wont do that... I did get a response. She was mad because (even tho she invited me on the chicago trip) I didn't spend any money on her or offer to pay for anything (I paid for my kids and she paid for hers). She paid for breakfast ( i said thank you), gas and parking. This earned me the silent treatment (3hrs) on the way home from chicago and for the next two days. Up to that point, 6 months worth, I had paid for every date, every lunch, every dinner, bought her necklaces earrings jewlery jeans($100) shoes bras panties lingerie, a dress etc etc... I really didn't even think about it (paying). I thought she was being nice and it was good she was paying for a few things for a change. I bought a refrigerator magnet in chicago and she reems me for that ("you can afford to by a souvenir but cant afford to by a drink for your date. Now you and your souvenir can go **** yourself") eye yi yi Looking back I wish I would have paid for something on that trip but, just delaying the inevitable. Right?

 

I talked to her boss after all this happened and she told me that she likes to be pampered. Yea most babies do...

Edited September 30, 2011 by Shtubes

[Booyah171]

Well I guess I wont do that... I did get a response. She was mad because (even tho she invited me on the chicago trip) I didn't spend any money on her or offer to pay for anything (I paid for my kids and she paid for hers). She paid for breakfast ( i said thank you), gas and parking. This earned me the silent treatment (3hrs) on the way home from chicago and for the next two days. Up to that point, 6 months worth, I had paid for every date, every lunch, every dinner, bought her necklaces earrings jewlery jeans($100) shoes bras panties lingerie, a dress etc etc... I really didn't even think about it (paying). I thought she was being nice and it was good she was paying for a few things for a change. I bought a refrigerator magnet in chicago and she reems me for that ("you can afford to by a souvenir but cant afford to by a drink for your date. Now you and your souvenir can go **** yourself") eye yi yi Looking back I wish I would have paid for something on that trip but, just delaying the inevitable. Right?

 

I talked to her boss after all this happened and she told me that she likes to be pampered. Yea most babies do...

 

Looking back you wished you would have paid for something? If it wasn't this one thing it would have been something else. You can't go through life saying could have, would have, should have. You always had an idea of the type of person she was but you never realized it until the trip.

 

I know it hurts like hell (I'm going through the same thing) but at least now you know what type of person she really is.

[Shtubes]

Looking back you wished you would have paid for something? If it wasn't this one thing it would have been something else. You can't go through life saying could have, would have, should have. You always had an idea of the type of person she was but you never realized it until the trip.

 

I know it hurts like hell (I'm going through the same thing) but at least now you know what type of person she really is.

 

Thank you thank you thank you...

 

Oh I had realized it already, I just didn't want to accept it yet. **** and I still dont ...

[geegirl]

Well I guess I wont do that... I did get a response. She was mad because (even tho she invited me on the chicago trip) I didn't spend any money on her or offer to pay for anything (I paid for my kids and she paid for hers). She paid for breakfast ( i said thank you), gas and parking. This earned me the silent treatment (3hrs) on the way home from chicago and for the next two days. Up to that point, 6 months worth, I had paid for every date, every lunch, every dinner, bought her necklaces earrings jewlery jeans($100) shoes bras panties lingerie, a dress etc etc... I really didn't even think about it (paying). I thought she was being nice and it was good she was paying for a few things for a change. I bought a refrigerator magnet in chicago and she reems me for that ("you can afford to by a souvenir but cant afford to by a drink for your date. Now you and your souvenir can go **** yourself") eye yi yi Looking back I wish I would have paid for something on that trip but, just delaying the inevitable. Right?

 

I talked to her boss after all this happened and she told me that she likes to be pampered. Yea most babies do...

 

It irks me when women can't pay their own way and have this expectation that a man should pay for everything. Rant over.

 

Even if you didn't pay for anything on that trip, I would not consider that a dealbreaker Shtubes. For some reason, I believe you can never satisfy someone like this. What about all the times you paid, did that not carry any weight with her? I guess she forgot about all that. There's no appreciation for the good that you do and the times you took care of her. If it wasn't going to be this issue, it would have been something else. She sounds like a taker. Telling you to take your souvenir and go **** yourself? She sounds like a prize and a woman that just wants to be pampered. A little too shallow if you ask me.

[Shtubes]

It irks me when women can't pay their own way and have this expectation that a man should pay for everything. Rant over.

 

Even if you didn't pay for anything on that trip, I would not consider that a dealbreaker Shtubes. For some reason, I believe you can never satisfy someone like this. What about all the times you paid, did that not carry any weight with her? I guess she forgot about all that. There's no appreciation for the good that you do and the times you took care of her. If it wasn't going to be this issue, it would have been something else. She sounds like a taker. Telling you to take your souvenir and go **** yourself? She sounds like a prize and a woman that just wants to be pampered. A little too shallow if you ask me.

 

Thanks geegirl!!

 

Now I JUST got this email from her today 9/30/11.... I was on her cellphone plan and paid her half to cancel my phones. She was none too happy about this (as you can imagine). She wanted me to pay it all LOL. Since she was so hung up on money, I decided to give it to her to clear my conscience. I wrote on the check "I love you, here ya go" (very weak moment). The best ONLY thing to do is no contact and move on with my life right!?!? I don't need to apologize for my hate email or anything right!?!?

 

 

"thank you for the check and most importantly the comment, the best words I've seen you written since the break up.

 

Su told me about your talk.　 I'm sorry for the way I treated you from Chicago.　 I had warned you about the silent treatement that I tend to give when something bothers me, but eventually I will let it out.　 And I really let it out on the last email.　 Sorry for calling you those names, but now you know how it feels when you called me all those names.　Pay back is a bitch!! 　Now that I'm out of the way, you now have one less stress to worry about.　 I do hope you can get back to your sleeping habits again. now I better get back to work again."

[geegirl]

I would not have sent her the check, but we all know about weak moments.

 

If you need to apologize, just keep it short and to the point. Sometimes it's what you need to clear your conscience and be at peace versus stressing everyday as to whether you should have apologized. The latter will keep you stuck. The former will allow you to cleanse yourself and be at peace.

 

You can say something like, "Thank you for your email. I appreciate the apology. I too am sorry for the way things turned out between us. Take care and all the best." Short and sweet.

 

Nothing more. Then step back and NC. It's not about love anymore or if she comes back and if you go back but you have to ask yourself is this the sort of relationship that you want in your life or the partner you would hope for to spend your life with.

 

Others may have other opinions but the main thing to do is NC, Shtubes. Time to start treating yourself with kindness.

[Shtubes]

I would not have sent her the check, but we all know about weak moments.

 

If you need to apologize, just keep it short and to the point. Sometimes it's what you need to clear your conscience and be at peace versus stressing everyday as to whether you should have apologized. The latter will keep you stuck. The former will allow you to cleanse yourself and be at peace.

 

You can say something like, "Thank you for your email. I appreciate the apology. I too am sorry for the way things turned out between us. Take care and all the best." Short and sweet.

 

Nothing more. Then step back and NC. It's not about love anymore or if she comes back and if you go back but you have to ask yourself is this the sort of relationship that you want in your life or the partner you would hope for to spend your life with.

 

Others may have other opinions but the main thing to do is NC, Shtubes. Time to start treating yourself with kindness.

 

Thanks geegirl...good advice. Love your avatar btw

 

I'm not sure what I will do about this just yet... Not sure if she even deserves a reply. Her "now that I'm out of the way" comment is particularly gross. And why put a "dig" about payback in there?

 

How can I get some more opinions on it? I'd like to know what Fairdeal thinks about it also since he has been following my thread.

[geegirl]

Thanks geegirl...good advice. Love your avatar btw

 

I'm not sure what I will do about this just yet... Not sure if she even deserves a reply. Her "now that I'm out of the way" comment is particularly gross. And why put a "dig" about payback in there?

 

How can I get some more opinions on it? I'd like to know what Fairdeal thinks about it also since he has been following my thread.

 

Love my avatar too!

 

Her bahavior is bad...but if you are apologizing, ONLY because you feel you have to and it resolves your conscience, and allows you to move forward with no regrets, then do it. Just don't do it to get a reaction or to keep holding on. It is to close the chapter and move on.

 

If you feel you don't care about what she feels and it does not bog you down or make you wonder should you have done it, then don't do it.

 

Take your time and decide what works best for you. But if you are questioning this so much, I have to say, maybe silence is the best thing.

[Shtubes]

Love my avatar too!

 

Her bahavior is bad...but if you are apologizing, ONLY because you feel you have to and it resolves your conscience, and allows you to move forward with no regrets, then do it. Just don't do it to get a reaction or to keep holding on. It is to close the chapter and move on.

 

If you feel you don't care about what she feels and it does not bog you down or make you wonder should you have done it, then don't do it.

 

Take your time and decide what works best for you. But if you are questioning this so much, I have to say, maybe silence is the best thing.

 

Would her email constitute a breadcrumb??

[geegirl]

I think she left the door open to interpretation and that is not good because now you are analyzing. It may be a breadcrumb. But that is not the question! The crucial question is, what will you do with it?

 

Remember who she is and what she is. Breadcrumb or not, the reality is that she is not good for you.

[Shtubes]

Love my avatar too!

 

Her bahavior is bad...but if you are apologizing, ONLY because you feel you have to and it resolves your conscience, and allows you to move forward with no regrets, then do it. Just don't do it to get a reaction or to keep holding on. It is to close the chapter and move on.

 

I responded to her email. I apologized to her and took the blame and then basically said good bye. I was moving on. I thought that would be the end of things. Then 4 days later I get this. I almost think that second to last line (I don't want to look anymore) almost sounds like she wants to SETTLE for me. English is her second langauge tho.

　

 

Once again reading your emails brings tears to my eyes, but this time it's for the better.　 I just feel that I need to respond back about the chicago trip thing.　 I don't want you to feel bad about it all.　 That's why I was silent about the situation because I needed to think if it was worth telling you about it or not.　 and so in the end I decided not to tell you about it.　 I remember every single things that you bought me and I will cherish it forever.　 I know you are not that type of person, that's why it got me when you didn't even offer to pitch in with the expenses.　 All I was expecting was for you to offer to buy me a drink, not offer me the water fountain (after I told you I don't drink from tap water) and offer to pay for diner, which was probably as cheap as any diner could get.　 I was perfectly happy with paying the rest of the stuff.　　　

　

I think I was used to the one who was pampered and now that I didn't get that treatment, I got upset.　 I shouldn't have treated you like that for 3 days. I'm so sorry.　 I shouldn't haven't even got upset at all, considering all the stuff you had bought me.　 I just like being the one who was pampered.　 I think I told you that earlier in the dating. I'm so selfish.　 You were right about that one.

　

So I tried to put the chicago situation away at the Michigan trip when I was the one who hold your hands at the first ride.　 You remember?　 I tried to be happy and forget about the past but you kept being distant.　 I didn't want to talk about it ever again, but you kept bringing it up.　 Now that I told you about it, I don't want you to feel like a lame ass.　 I don't know which is worse, not telling you about it or telling you about it.　 Please, I'm begging of you, don't feel bad about it, it's not the reason why we broke up at all.　 don't put yourself down for it, it's not worth it.

　

Anwer this for me, why this sudden change of mood in your email?　 The last email you were ripping me to shreds.　 Now this email, you're pasting me altogether now.　 Did you think I ended the relationship because I found a Mr. right and I was dumping you for him?　 Let me clarify things, if that thought has come up to you.　

　

No I haven't found Mr. Right yet, I doubt I'll ever will.　 I want you to be my Mr. Right. I don't want to look anymore.　

　

I miss you so dearly.

 

 

I know she is feeling sorry for me and I know she is confused the same as I am but, I also know how unhealthy she is for me, yet for some reason, I can’t let go. Would just like some opinions please...thanks

Edited October 6, 2011 by Shtubes