Superconnected Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I'll start at the beginning. It's quite a long story, so bear with me! I was 21, in my final year of University and I met the love of my life. She was 19, gorgeous and we had so much in common. I saw her around at Uni and spoke to her on Facebook during last Christmas and we really hit it off. We then became a couple almost as soon as we were back at Uni in January. Things were going so well and we were both very serious about each other. We would often speak about spending the rest of our lives together and getting married. We both felt that we were soulmates. We were together for just over 7 months, but they were truly the happiest of my life. A couple of times, in the middle of the relationship, she would get down and she explained this was because she missed a friend. She explained that this friend was a 38 guy who used to help out at her school and they became very close (it may sound a little dodgy to you, but her parents were very supportive of the friendship and I could really trust hers and their judgement). Her and her friend were both very much into travelling and they met up in America during the past 2 summers. They were very close friends until he decided to tell her that he had feelings for her. She explained to me that she got confused and then told him that she didn't have feelings for him. He then basically told her that they could never be in contact again and decided to go travelling to some dangerous countries. This left her feeling very guilty and sad at not having the friendship. This guy also 'accidentally' sent her a text during his time away. My girlfriend replied to it asking him where he had gone. He sent a single word reply saying 'Africa'. She said she hoped he was OK and for him to text her when he is back home safely. This was the only contact they had at this point. I found this a little difficult at first, but came to terms with it. At the start of summer, we had to be apart from the longest time during our relationship. One night she got very depressed and rang me and said she missed this guy again. I didn't take it so well and asked whether she had feelings for him, she said she was confused. I was devastated and ended up going up to see her to talk about it. She explained that when she told me she was confused, she was in a very bad state of mind and didn't know what to say but that she knew that she didn't have any romantic feelings for this guy (but was unsure what these feelings meant) and that she still loved me and wanted to be with me. I told her that I thought she could be feeling a mixture of guilt at the way this guy made her feel after she rejected him as well as feeling sadness and nostalgia since it had been a year since the last time they travelled together so it was on her mind a lot more. I also suggested that she could have associated her feelings for him with her feelings of excitement and freedom during travelling. Things soon went back to normal, but we were arguing a little more than usual. I then went back home and we were apart again (this was the last time I saw her face to face, a month ago). While she was out drinking at a friends house, she received another text from him saying he was back home safely. She asked him how he was. He said that he was really messed up after the way she treated him. She told him sorry. She explained to me that night when she got home (still slightly tipsy) that she felt really numb when she received the texts from him and that she felt down again. She then got quite depressed and told me that she wanted some time on her own to think this whole thing through. I said that I thought we were strong enough to get through this together and that I would support her, as long as her feelings for him were not romantic. She told me that she really didn't think they were. We spoke on the phone a few times and one time she explained to me that she had not been entirely truthful about how close her and this guy had been. She told me that when he told her how he felt about her, she got confused and thought she felt the same way. They held hands and kissed for about a month before she felt it wasn't right and broke it off. She felt like the age difference (18 years) was too big a barrier for it to work. I didn't take this very well, but then came to terms with it after she explained that she found it difficult to tell me earlier as it is such a strange situation and she didn't know how to tell me. I appreciated how difficult it was for her to tell me and actually felt relieved. It also explained why she was feeling so guilty. Things weren't really the same from this point on, we would argue more and she was down a lot of the time. The distance was putting strain on the relationship. However, we wrote each other letters which cheered both of us up. I sent her a package with a long letter, some gifts and made her a video with some footage of us driving around together and a piano song I wrote. She then told me that she was sorry for forgetting how important we were and that I had really cheered her up. A few nights later she got down again and told me that she wanted to be on her own to get her head around this. I said that we should stay together as long as she didn't think she had feelings for this guy. She then explained that she was feeling really confused again and that it wasn't fair on me. I told her that her feeling guilty is not a good enough reason for us to split up and that she probably wasn't thinking clearly. She said that she was thinking clearly and that she felt the same way about him as she did after he told her that he had feelings for her (last summer) so she needed time and space to think about it.. She explained at this point that she had emailed him 6 weeks before asking him how he was and he had emailed her back making it clear that he was still very much interested in her. I was very upset at this point, but tried to handle it well. She expected me to hate her and never want to contact her again, but instead I told her that I was willing to wait for her to get her head around this. I said that I just wanted her to be happy and if being with this other guy was what she wanted, then she should go for it (that was very difficult to say). I told her to really have a good think about this and make sure she did what she felt was the right thing for her and to not let either myself, or her 38 year old friend to influence the decision. I also told her that it was best for us not to contact, but I still loved her and missed her. She then ended the relationship and we finished the call. Since then, we have messaged each other a couple of times on Facebook (I also tried to call the first day after we broke up, but she didn't answer). I explained that I was finding it very difficult without her and that I'm very much still in love with her and want her back. I said that if she decided that she wanted to be with me, it hadn't ruined anything. I told her that I was willing to wait as long as it took until she decided. She replied saying that she was so sorry for what she had done and that I deserved better. She said that she wasn't going to go running off to this guy or anything, but she just needed some time to think. She said that she really missed me too and that it was really hard but she felt she had to do this so she didn't feel like she was lying to me. She also said that it might take a long time, but she would work it all out eventually. I was finding the temptation of messaging her too much so decided to cut contact and block her on Facebook. I sent her a text saying that I didn't do it out of spite, but that I felt it would be easier this way. That was earlier today. I am going back to the same University as her in a weeks time to do a Masters and we have arranged to meet up to exchange each others things and have a chat. This year will be a tough one as I don't know what will happen next. I wish I knew how she was feeling, how long I will have to wait and whether I should wait at all (although she means so much to me that I feel I really want to wait)...Can anyone shed any light on this one?
Renard99 Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I'd say that you're simply going to have to give her the time she needs. You need to not contact her, as you said yourself, she shouldn't be influenced by either yourself or the other guy. I'm in a very similar situation to her. I'm seeing someone at the moment and have done for about the past month, however, my ex of 7 years has come back into my life claiming that she was wrong to dump me and has worked on all her issues. I felt I was truely over her but there is something drawing me back to her, whilst at the same time I'm happy with the current relationship. It's certainly not an easy or quick decision and it's tearing me apart, as I'm sure it is to her. If you love her, give her the time and prepare to accept her decision either way.
Author Superconnected Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 It's been tough, but we've now been 6 and a half weeks without seeing each other, 2 and half since we spoke on the phone (which is when she finally broke it off) and a week and a half with out any contact at all, facebook or text. It feels like a lifetime. We will be seeing each other possibly this weekend to swap each others things and maybe have a quick chat. I'm going to make it clear that I still want to be with her and that I will wait, i'll try my hardest not to get over emotional and push her further away. It's interesting to hear from someone in her shoes, are you staying in your current relationship and hoping the feelings go away or will you discuss this with your partner and decide to split? Your situation is similar, but the length of relationships is quite different. I was with my ex for 7 months, she was only 'seeing' this guy for a single month (but with a strong 2 year friendship before). I want more than anything to believe that she is just missing her friendship with this guy and it's confusion about this that she needs to deal with, but I just don't know. She even told me about a dream she had a few weeks prior to the breakup which involved her and this other guy being good friends while she was still in a relationship with me and everyone got on really well, she told me that she was so happy in the dream but woke up sad that it wasn't the case. I usually think that dreams can show true feelings, so I'm hopefully that she will discover her true feelings as they were in the dream. It's so difficult because we had such a strong relationship and we both would often say that we would stay together forever. I've never felt this way about anyone and I don't see that I will ever again. Gahhh it's tough.
DenumChkn Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 If you see her, DO NOT tell her you still love her and will wait. Do not bring up the relationship at all (if you still want her back). Be friendly and light hearted - try to channel however you were when you first met her and she initially became attracted to you. Keep your emotions out of it. Good luck.
name goeshere Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 The key is to reattract her not try to continue the old relationship.
Author Superconnected Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 (edited) I've had some mixed responses about this so far both from speaking to friends and family and posting it on another forum site. I've been told both to make my feelings clear and reinforce what I have already said, on the other hand I've also been told not to speak of my feelings or the relationship at all... I guess that's what I get for using multiple forum sites! I think that I need to tell her how I feel as she seems almost as if she would sacrifice the two of us getting back together due to her feeling that she had already treated me too badly and that I deserve better. However, I don't agree and I want to make this clear. I believe that she has done this as she really cares about me and doesn't feel that she could lie to me. I don't blame her for this as the heart does what it wants, I also don't feel angry or annoyed at her in any way. Our relationship was incredible until the start of summer. I want her to remember how things used to be before this and how we could have an even stronger relationship after this, should she decide she wants it. I also feel I should apologise for a couple of things I said during the time of the breakup. Looking back on it, I said some things I regret (although it could have been a lot worse) and I want to completely clear her mind of any negative thoughts from our relationship so she can think properly about this. I don't want to let a few silly things affect her judgement even though she was expecting me to act much much worse than I did. Thanks so much for the comments so far, this really is a tough one... Edited September 21, 2011 by Superconnected
flitzanu Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 "i need to sort out my life" = "i want to bang other guys right now". sorry dude. i say move on and quickly, it will only get dangerous and dirty from here on if you keep chasing.
Author Superconnected Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 I know it seems like that might be the case, but I know her well enough to be sure that it's not what she will do. She got herself into this mess by not leaving herself enough time to recover from a previous relationship before getting into one with me, the last thing she wants is to further complicate it with other guys. You're the first person to tell me to move on, my heart is telling me to wait and waiting it out is exactly what I plan on doing.
Renard99 Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 It's interesting to hear from someone in her shoes, are you staying in your current relationship and hoping the feelings go away or will you discuss this with your partner and decide to split? I really don't know what to do to be honest, I'm torn between them. I've not told my current partner what's going on at this stage but I am making sure I distance myself a little. I've had one meeting with the ex and talked a few things through, but it wasn't enough to make the decision clearer. Still need to give it more thought.
Author Superconnected Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 Renard, Since I am in a similar situation as your current partner, Maybe I could offer some insight: Basically from what you've said (together for one month) it doesn't seem like you've been together for long enough to survive this kind of situation. Having said that, if you truly have feelings for your ex then it is not fair on your current girlfriend. Your next step is the most important. If you feel you can work this out while maintaining your current relationship, then that's great and you should try that. If you feel you need to be on your own to make a decision which is true to your heart, then you will have to hope that your current relationship is strong enough to be repaired after. Communication really seems to be key. I certainly felt a lot better at being told what was going on and how my ex was feeling, even though it was incredibly difficult to hear. She even said that she didn't want us to end up married and these other feelings to affect her further on down the line. I'm not even sure if her feelings are particularly strong, but she wanted to prevent them earlier on. She even said in reply to myself suggesting that we stay together "I don't want it to get worse in the future". If you really think your feelings for your ex could mean something, then it's better to be honest earlier on. If you think that they will just pass and you can get them out of your system without acting on them, then I don't think you need to worry your current partner. Good luck!
flitzanu Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I know it seems like that might be the case, but I know her well enough to be sure that it's not what she will do. She got herself into this mess by not leaving herself enough time to recover from a previous relationship before getting into one with me, the last thing she wants is to further complicate it with other guys. You're the first person to tell me to move on, my heart is telling me to wait and waiting it out is exactly what I plan on doing. sorry mate, you don't. as a "friend" i'm asking that you DO NOT believe that you KNOW her well enough to predict what she's doing. it makes it that much harder when/if she becomes a monster. if waiting is what you feel you need to do, more power. but if she's figuring out HER life, i say YOU don't need to be in it. that means she gets you without the restrictions of relationship to do whatever she wants.
Author Superconnected Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Very true, I need to be wary of that. It just felt like so much more than any other relationship I've had. We had an incredible connection and I still can't feel anger at what she has done. I'm going to see her in a few days for our final meet until she has worked this all out. I've decided to stay positive and see what happens. I'll try hard not to focus on our relationship, but show her that I can be happy without her. I'll try to be how I was when we first met, which won't be too hard as it was less than a year ago. Thanks everyone!
Marie63 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Do not tell her you will wait. I would not even meet with her. Find a friend that can exchange the belongings for you instead. Please start dating other people. Do not beg her back, tell her you love her, or anything. You have already told her in the past. She knows this and still needs time. I bet she has not told you a lot of things - move on.
Paper Roses Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I just moved out of my husband's home. I do not want to be with him ever again. To avoid the drama of telling him that, I told him to give me some time to sort things out in my mind. That really meant "Let me get my stuff out of your house without a fight." I probably said it to spare his feelings as well. He's a good guy, just not for me. Move on. She's finished with you. I think it was good advice to have a friend do that exchange. And don't try to be friends with her, only adds to the pain. Good luck and I'm very sorry you are going through this.
DenumChkn Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 "He's a good guy, just not for me." Perhaps something worth discovering BEFORE getting married? Wow.. I really hope if my wife ever leaves me she has the decency to tell me it is over with finality and not **** with my head like you are doing.. You owe him at least that (unless there is something you're not telling us, cheating/abuse - but then he wouldn't be a 'good guy'). Sounds like you are doing him a favor as you seem to have lots of your own issues to resolve, as you seem to think it's fine to get married on a whim and when you decide he's "not for me" you give him a half assed excuse and disappear.. Cold.
Author Superconnected Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 Hey guys, no idea if anyone is still here and reading this... but I wanted to give an update to this situation! I remember reading how no one would ever find out how things worked out with these situations, so I wanted to give everyone some hope! I just read through the whole thing again for the first time in around a year and boy...I was shouting at my own screen at my own idiocy and delusion! Things didn't work out with her, we exchanged possessions and went our own ways. It was really tough at first and it hurt like hell, but it faded way quicker than I had expected. I barely saw her at uni, which really helped. I also maintained a strict no contact with her for the whole time and it worked really well. I truly feel like I am over her now and ready to move on. I've met an awesome girl and we're taking things slowly and not rushing into anything. Feels good There certainly is hope, even if it seems like a pain which is irreversible. Time heals all. 1
Lovesickbro Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Thanks for taking the time to post the update! I just read your entire thread, and it gives me hope I will be over my recent "felt we had special connection" breakup too Just more time is required.
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