my girlfriends past haunts me and I feel Im missing out

[saboy]

I really need help on this.

 

First of all I was 18 and she was 22 when we met and we've now been together a year. Does the age situation play a part in problems because I nor her or even any of our friends know of anyone who is in a relationship where the guy is younger than the girl especially by 4 years so I was wondering if this is in fact a normal situation?

 

Anyway back to the problem. I find it hard to deal with her sexual and relationship past. I did make the mistake of asking questions and it was silly however when i get a thought in my head i start imagining the worst therefore when i ask her i sometimes get told its not as bad as i imagined which makes me feel amazing but other times the answers not nice to hear.

 

Being 18 I havnt been with that many girls and the ones i have been with weren't exactly amazing especially sexually i.e. both living with our parents so not much time for sex. My girlfriend had started being sexually active when she was 15 and up till she met me she had slept with roughly 26 guys (maybe a bit more) and in that time has had a loooot of fun and exciting sex.

 

she was getting over a really tough break-up when she was 19 and says that plays a part in her just wanting sex and using people for sex and she has had sex with people she had just met and has cheated on people and on one occasion she was seeing a guy and having sex with him even though he was in a long term relationship at the time, which i think is horrible. She does realise these were mistakes and does regret them even though she says it was really fun at the time.

 

Apart from this she has also met a lot of people who she liked and had good times with both emotionally and sexually and basically has had a fun carefree wild life. Being young i havn't really had time for all "my fun".

 

Putting all this aside this girl is truly amazing and I know for sure we are both truly in love with eachother, people may disagree with me because of my age but we have the most amazing connection and when we're good together its just so special and we have been through so much in the last year, more like the same amount of stuff that a couple for 5 years have been through and we've pulled through everytime which i think is special. We have discussed the future together and I aswell as her feel that we want to spend our lives together. Ive thought about it hard and I couldnt imagine ever having a better wife/mother to my child than her.

 

The problem is that I dont necassarily think its healthy what Ive done. She has lived her life played the field seen what she likes and doesnt like and now she has found me and is content and settled. Wheras I just feel shes had her fun and found me but Ive just found her and not had my fun.

I know the right thing to do would be to leave her and live my life but truthfully I know that shes the one for me and I want to be with her but i cant help feeling this way and it brings is both down.

 

I just want to have had that carefree not being attached fun feeling where you can experiment have new exciting emotional and sexual partners and just basically have THAT kind of fun which she has had (which is what most young guys want). I guess I feel like Im missing out on a big part of my life being with her but at the same time this girl is the one for me and I know that in the long run being with her will make me happier than having as much flings as i like.

 

Is it just too late for me to have that fun? do I just have to get on with it? Should I leave her and live my life? I really need help

 

Thanks

[Sivok]

She's with you now isn't she? Don't think about her past. You're letting something that no longer exists harm something that does - your current relationship with her.

 

As a guy, yeah, the thrill of a chase and scoring that one nighter has its fun - but it's not worth it. The most fun exciting sex I've had has been in a relationship. Since she has some experience, she's probably alot more sexually outgoing than other girls your age and your past gfs. If you keep thinking about this and you feel it's getting worse/you can't get a grip, then it's an experience/maturity thing and I suggest you two part ways.

[rafallus]

I just want to have had that carefree not being attached fun feeling where you can experiment have new exciting emotional and sexual partners and just basically have THAT kind of fun which she has had (which is what most young guys want). I guess I feel like Im missing out on a big part of my life being with her but at the same time this girl is the one for me and I know that in the long run being with her will make me happier than having as much flings as i like.

If so, then just break up with her and get some.

 

Otherwise, you will probably resent her in the long run, no matter, how (un)justified it may be.

 

Sure, maybe after you had some fun, you will appreciate her as something special, long after she's gone, but I doubt you will find this any other than the hard way.

[Ginger Beer]

I really need help on this.

 

First of all I was 18 and she was 22 when we met and we've now been together a year. Does the age situation play a part in problems because I nor her or even any of our friends know of anyone who is in a relationship where the guy is younger than the girl especially by 4 years so I was wondering if this is in fact a normal situation?

 

Anyway back to the problem. I find it hard to deal with her sexual and relationship past. I did make the mistake of asking questions and it was silly however when i get a thought in my head i start imagining the worst therefore when i ask her i sometimes get told its not as bad as i imagined which makes me feel amazing but other times the answers not nice to hear.

 

Being 18 I havnt been with that many girls and the ones i have been with weren't exactly amazing especially sexually i.e. both living with our parents so not much time for sex. My girlfriend had started being sexually active when she was 15 and up till she met me she had slept with roughly 26 guys (maybe a bit more) and in that time has had a loooot of fun and exciting sex.

 

she was getting over a really tough break-up when she was 19 and says that plays a part in her just wanting sex and using people for sex and she has had sex with people she had just met and has cheated on people and on one occasion she was seeing a guy and having sex with him even though he was in a long term relationship at the time, which i think is horrible. She does realise these were mistakes and does regret them even though she says it was really fun at the time.

 

Apart from this she has also met a lot of people who she liked and had good times with both emotionally and sexually and basically has had a fun carefree wild life. Being young i havn't really had time for all "my fun".

 

Putting all this aside this girl is truly amazing and I know for sure we are both truly in love with eachother, people may disagree with me because of my age but we have the most amazing connection and when we're good together its just so special and we have been through so much in the last year, more like the same amount of stuff that a couple for 5 years have been through and we've pulled through everytime which i think is special. We have discussed the future together and I aswell as her feel that we want to spend our lives together. Ive thought about it hard and I couldnt imagine ever having a better wife/mother to my child than her.

 

The problem is that I dont necassarily think its healthy what Ive done. She has lived her life played the field seen what she likes and doesnt like and now she has found me and is content and settled. Wheras I just feel shes had her fun and found me but Ive just found her and not had my fun.

I know the right thing to do would be to leave her and live my life but truthfully I know that shes the one for me and I want to be with her but i cant help feeling this way and it brings is both down.

 

I just want to have had that carefree not being attached fun feeling where you can experiment have new exciting emotional and sexual partners and just basically have THAT kind of fun which she has had (which is what most young guys want). I guess I feel like Im missing out on a big part of my life being with her but at the same time this girl is the one for me and I know that in the long run being with her will make me happier than having as much flings as i like.

 

Is it just too late for me to have that fun? do I just have to get on with it? Should I leave her and live my life? I really need help

 

Thanks

 

I think you should end it.

[Pasttense]

Up until the last few decades it was very common for most people to have had no or very few sexual partners by the time they got married. And the results (in terms of happiness/satisfactory marriage...) was at least as good and probably better than the marriages of these people who have had all kinds of sexual relationships. So I think you should be thankful for what you have and not worry about what you might be missing out on. I would suggest you take it slow in terms of getting married, having kids.

[saboy]

thanks for your reply man. I honestly think its not even necassarily me wanting all those things its just hard knowing shes had them and I havnt, therefore shes had her fun and gets me whilst i just get her(which is amazing) but I havnt had all that extra fun that she has had. I dont feel equal. for example if she had not many previous partners like me I think it would be fine

[Desensitized]

thanks for your reply man. I honestly think its not even necassarily me wanting all those things its just hard knowing shes had them and I havnt, therefore shes had her fun and gets me whilst i just get her(which is amazing) but I havnt had all that extra fun that she has had. I dont feel equal. for example if she had not many previous partners like me I think it would be fine

I've been in your boat and believe me, I know it's not fun. If you develop strong feelings for this girl, her wild and crazy past WILL drive you crazy. Unless, somehow, you can put the fact that she's bedded 26+ other guys before you. Up to you, man. When I was in this situation, it drove me nuts and that led me to end the relationship.

 

Good luck.

[oaks]

I find it hard to deal with her sexual and relationship past.

 

 

Too long; didn't read past the bit quoted above.

 

Are you suffering from Retrospective Jealosy? (google it)

[Ginger Beer]

Why should a woman who has slept with 26+ men by the age of 22 deserve a nice man with little or no history?

[OnyxSnowfall]

Why should a woman who has slept with 26+ men by the age of 22 deserve a nice man with little or no history?

 

because someone's sexual history does not define their worth.

 

there's always multiple ways of looking at things as well...

 

pros and cons to everything.

[2far]

You do not have to decide right now whether you want to marry her.

If you are happy with her stay with her - you are young maybe things will change but maybe it develops in a more mature relationship and you can put her past behind you - nobody is perfect

[insaneinthebrain]

my personal opinion ..... and i have been in ure shoes ... very similar situation

 

First of all, your age differneces are an issue.. She has had more time to explore, and i knwo that people will gvie me crap about this.. but 22 to 18 at that age is worlds apart. There is a reason why a an 18 year old shouldnt date 14 year old... .. right....

 

The thing is ..the older both of you get .. the less it will matter... Its not the biggest issue, but its an issue, and its not one that would casue me any problems.

 

As far him leaving her.. that would be rather dumb cause he is thinking long term with her... from what he is saying......

 

Does she desever him ...thats a question no one really gets to answer. I personally think its kind of hot that he gets to have a woman with experience in the bedroom... .. and as far as the past... well. its in the past...

 

You really need to consider what your life would be like with out her... If you think you can be with out her then leave......... The past is the past .. she cant change it.. neither can you .....

 

This is retroactive jeolousy, and many people on here suffer it.. ....

 

I am not going to lie.. if its gotten to the point where you cant get it out of your head... your relationship may be doomed anyways... so ... thats just the reality of things.....

[Ginger Beer]

because someone's sexual history does not define their worth.

 

there's always multiple ways of looking at things as well...

 

pros and cons to everything.

 

26 men in the space of 7 years (he said she was sexually active from 15) is more than 3 a year. I think, just with people who go out to clubs every weekend and drink, that sleeping with that many people in such a small space of time says something about their personality. It's a ridiculous amount.

[OnyxSnowfall]

26 men in the space of 7 years (he said she was sexually active from 15) is more than 3 a year. I think, just with people who go out to clubs every weekend and drink, that sleeping with that many people in such a small space of time says something about their personality. It's a ridiculous amount.

 

Indications are only indications - what's behind them are still debatable. And even humoring that, people change.

[Negative Nancy]

Why should a woman who has slept with 26+ men by the age of 22 deserve a nice man with little or no history?

 

so, you guys want an experienced sex kitten that is wild and uninhibited in bed on the one hand, and an untouched virgin on the other ... makes no sense...

 

read the bolded part from this awesome thread:

 

I see the same problems over and over again on here - guys saying they have retroactive jealousy - as its euphemistically called here. They convince themselves that they are jealous of other guys who have had some sort of sexual relationship with their girlfriends. Misdiagnosis wont lead to a cure or the help they need.

 

Now retroactive jealousy dosent sound so bad does it? Everyone gets jealous now and again right? Ever wonder why almost all the RJ jealousy cases here have to do with guys getting it and not girls? Are women really less jealous and competitve than men? Why do alot of these "jealous of gf's past" threads end up obsessing over little details? The answer is because all these threads about being "retroactively jealous" are not that at all. You are not suffering from retroactive jealousy - you are suffering from a raging Madonna/Whore complex.

 

Wow - sounds alot worse now dosent it. "Hi I have a Madonna/Whore complex" dosent sound as accepting as "I have retroactive jealousy" - and thats a good thing - because it cuts to the heart of the psychological illness that is at the center of what these men suffer through.

 

What is a Madonna/Whore complex? It means that you divide women into 2 categories - they are either Madonna's - virginal, sweet, caring, loving, innocent - or they are whores - defined by their horniness and sexual activity. Again - not quite as acceptable sounding as "retroactive jealousy." I have been there - trust me, I know its not rational, I know your mind plays tricks on you -but you guys have to realize that this attitude is actually something to be ASHAMED about.

 

Women, for all their differences with men - dont differ that much with regards to the inherent sexuality that exists within every creature. Women are not either Maddonas or Whores - just like the man sitting in front of the computer screen right now reading this isnt a Madonna or a whore. You might love your family, be politically active, love your hobbies and friends, masturbate, be attracted to women, be sexually curious, be cruel sometimes and fight etc. etc. etc. Somehow women understand this more about men - they understand you got masturbate to pornography and its because youre a sexually healthy male and not becuase your a "immoral slut whore." They understand that your sexuality, as is everybodys, is incredibly strong and complex. When you say that you suffer from retroactive jealousy because your otherwise perfect girlfriend had x amount of sex partners before you - what you really should be saying is that you cant accept the fact that your girlfriend, like you - isnt a madonna. That she has a sexuality and an attraction to males that can be at times, independent of her love for you. Im sure this rings a bell to you guys - Im sure you think at times - how can my girl who is so loving and caring - want to just **** some guy? If youve ever felt that way - then you need to step back into reality. Everyone who is psychologically healthy has sex and wants to have sex and gets good feelings from having sex. Otherwise none of us would exist. Thats right - your sweet old grandma that bakes you cookies and knits you blankets - at one point some guy got turned on enough for her and they had sex - and hopefully she moaned and came and loved it. The same thing goes for your beloved mother. Your inability to understand that and accept that (reality) is the root cause of your problem. Many of you would like to think of their girlfriends as replacement mommies, loving them unconditionally just like their mommy did, and thats why you desexualize them and its so hard and painful to imagine them getting ****ed by another man. But if you let go of your delusion - the reality of the situation is that it is true that your girlfriend is just like your mom - but in the opposite way that you think. If your mom hadnt been a sexual creature exactly like your girlfriend is- you wouldnt exist. And yes, her sexuality is independent of whether they went on a date first or 2 dates or she did this or that. Everyone has a sexuality - by obsessing over the circumstances of her sexuality acted out (like whether she did xyz after only knowing a man xyz amount of time) you are trying to figure out which categorry she belongs in - Maddona or Whore - as if the circumstances of her sexuality acted out in real life would change or reflect her actual sexuality that is the same strong drive in every healthy human being - and would therefore make it less threatening for you.

 

Would it ever cross YOUR mind to think how you could want to **** a girl and still be capable of love and a complex and attractive personality? Im not even talking about the blatant hippocrites who say that its ok for them to have sex quickly with a girl but the girl that did it with them is a whore. Im talking about the more subtle hippocrites - the "nice" guys and the "shy" guys who ask why they "waited" and "respected" their bodies if their girlfriends were out having sex and actually indulging in their natural sexual curiosity. I dare any one of you - please come on here and tell me that whenever you were single for whatever period of time - that you never ever masturbated. Im sure some of you have been single for periods of weeks, months, years. You never felt sexual during that time or masturbated? And if you did masturbate (or should I say when you did as its obvious that you did) - did you look at pornography? And if the answer to that is no - then what did you think about when you masturbated? Did you just think about an attractive woman or did you have to convince yourself to fall in love with her before you masturbated? Did you think one day of a family and growing old together with the same exact soulmate every time you masturbated? If you were a sexually and psychologically healthy male you had a sexual fantasy...and if you didnt masturbate or didnt fantasize and quickly masturbated like it was some sort of dirty need that had to be taken care of as quickly as possible - well then what kind of woman would really want to be with a man so devoid of the sexuality that is such a natural and enjoyable part of the human experience?

 

Ahh you say - but thats different - its a fantasy, I didnt actually "disrespect" myself by letting a woman touch me unless we went on x amount of dates first (or some other arbitrary condition that has nothing to do with our inherent sexuality yet in your mind makes the sexuality go from "immoral to "moral"). Well - you had to imagine it in your head taking place to experience the sexual feelings. If acting something out is immoral - why would it be perfectly natural and acceptable to fantasize that that same exact action is actually taking place? And the truth lies in the fact that while you were having sexual fantasies and masturbating - you are upset about the fact that your girlfriend didnt have to fantasize - and actually was living what you could only dream of. But the fact that you were the "nice" guy who didnt have alot of success with women - led you to rationalize that you were the one being "moral" by waiting for "love." When you realize your girlfriend didnt have the same insecurities and issues and so her past dosent match yours - you can then judge her by saying shes immoral - when in reality you are simply threatened because her past vs yours indicates that she has more sexual power than you do. Thats what leads the posters here to the completely illogical and irrational conclusion - "if you had alot of sex partners when you were single, then its a reflection of your sexual immorality and that means your going to cheat on someone when you are in a relationship." What they should really be saying is, "since she has more sexual power than I do, Im insecure and she may cheat on me because im not good enough" - As if I actually have to argue why the original argument is illogical - I have plenty of empirical evidence. I have alot of sex when I am single, and when I am in a relationship I dont cheat. Because I have experienced much, my girlfriend can reassure herself that I am picking her because I truly do want her and value her over anyone else I could choose. My "nice" guy friends who dont date around usually end up getting a gf when a girl chooses them. And these are the ones who I would suspect of cheating if they had the opportunity - because like many of you who claim to have "respected yourselves" by not having sex - they are not in control of their sexual lives like the way I or their girlfriends who they are jealous of and disrespect are.

 

So next time you come on here and want to make a post about your "Retroactive Jealousy" - please change the words and let us know that your problem is that you divide the world's females into Madonnas and Whores and your brain gets scrambled when you realize that they dont fit into those molds and are people like you and me.

 

[Negative Nancy]

The men who have MORE sexual experience than their girlfriends, and still suffer from the Maddonna/Whore Complex do so for in fact the same underlying reasons as the guys who have LESS sexual experience than their girlfriends - they simply justify it differently.

 

The guys with less sexual experience of course use the idea of "morality" to convince themselves that since they were "sexually moral" by not sleeping with people and therefore dont want a girl who is/was "immoral." The guys with just as much if not more sexual experience can not use that argument to explain their discomfort so some will simply say "I'll sleep with a slut but I cant imagine one being the mother of my children (and by definition they feel like the term slut wouldnt apply to them for the exact same behavior simply because they are men). The more inquisitive and thoughtful among them will honestly acknowledge - "I know it makes no logical sense, but I still feel the same way."

 

Less sexual experience or more, morality/values argument or not - the underlying issue is the same. When these guys think of a girlfriend, future wife and mother of their children, they go towards images of their own mother - not the images that actually resulted in their creation - like their parents having hot sex - but rather images of their mother taking care of them and loving them unconditionally and maternally. You have no competition for your mothers love - she is totally devoted to you, would never leave you for another, never cheat on you - and will be there for you no matter what - and this is what they unrealistically look for in a girlfriend. Since sex is the bond of the relationships - acknowledging that your girlfriend is also sexual independent of her relationship with you makes this sexuality a threat to you. Thats why its important for these guys to figure out whether their girlfriend is a whore - the kind they either have one night stands with (or masturbate to in their fantasy if they are too "moral" for One Night Stands) - or a maddonna, who is loving and caring just like their mommy was to them. They dont come to the basic acknowledging that these categories are only in your own mind and like you, women are made up of a wide range of feelings and desires and that she is just like you and can be attracted to multiple people, whether you have had the ability to act on that attraction (the guys with sexual experience) or not (the "shy-moral" guys). If she had sex without love, than she is independently sexual and this threatens your image of her as unconditionally loving you - and you have to acknowledge the reality that no woman unconditionally loves you except your mother. This is what leads both men with more sexual experience and less to all experience the same uncomfortable feeling and obsession with the issue.

 

 

the "she kisses my KIDS with that mouth" complex still pervades our culture. the "sugar and spice" brainwashing still affects a lot of us no matter how many episodes of Sex and the City we watch or how many Li'l Kim songs we listen to.

 

I think a lot of this is also a result of subconsciously putting ourselves in the moment and applying the thoughts that accompany male sexuality to it. I think that the origins of the madonna/whore complex may be rooted in those exact thoughts. Let me put it this way - I know what goes through my head during sex, especially sex with someone that I'm not in love with or a one-nighter...and let's just say it ain't generally "what a sweet, beautiful, interesting girl." the male sexual mind within the moment is very primal - the girl BECOMES that "whore" within that time frame. that's why so much of porn is filled with dirty talk and "slut" and whatever else. I don't think that female sexuality quite works that way, at least not to the same degree...not that girls are thinking about a guy's great personality and the prospect of him bringing them flowers during the act, but I don't think that they get off as much on the overt objectification.

 

so generally when we guys get so bent out of shape over this stuff, it's because we put ourselves in the "guy" frame of mind that is shaped by our own manifestation of sexuality, as well as formative years involving the influence of porno and "locker room boasting" so to speak. we think of it as "my girl was at some isolated point in time, some guy's whore" - and we fixate and fixate on that point in time. we don't ever worry about HER perspective. That was my big hangup with RJ - I instantly looked at the situation that bothered me from either the "guy" perspective, or from this BS "society" perspective. never from her perspective.

 

obviously anyone of sound mind realizes that this sensationalization of sex and the temporary objectification that goes along with it is simply a product of what turns us on.

 

just to reinforce my point - think of how much porno is centered around "look at what this sweet girl is DOING!! can you BELIEVE this!!" - that aspect of the male sexuality is played up beyond belief. the more I think about it, this must confound the living sh*t out of women - they see that their guy masturbates to "gutter sluts 3" or whatever, and think "I see that a dirty girl turns my guy on" - so they try to be that dirty girl without realizing that they are supposed to be the "Madonna".

 

this is reinforcing my point above:

 

Women must be completely confused with us. We sit here and get excited over some pretty hardcore stuff and then when a girl tries to be that for us, or has experienced something similar herself, we immediately deem them as sluts. I mean, no wonder women tell us to get over it, and no wonder we dont understand how to resolve this issue ourselves. Its all making sense now.

[OnyxSnowfall]

so, you guys want an experienced sex kitten that is wild and uninhibited in bed on the one hand, and an untouched virgin on the other ... makes no sense...

 

read the bolded part from this awesome thread:

 

 

 

 

Wow... that is an awesome thread =O

[rafallus]

thanks for your reply man. I honestly think its not even necassarily me wanting all those things its just hard knowing shes had them and I havnt, therefore shes had her fun and gets me whilst i just get her(which is amazing) but I havnt had all that extra fun that she has had. I dont feel equal. for example if she had not many previous partners like me I think it would be fine

 

I can tell it can't let you get at peace. This will probably sit there with you and disturb you, until you actually "even the playing field" a bit.

 

God forbid, don't cheat on her, she didn't necessarily do anything to deserve hurt. So to "even the field" you'd absolutely have to break up with her.

 

Do you think you can calm this thoughts disturbing you? Or will they take over and positively you will have to get some yourself? Nobody knows.

[FitChick]

Because you both are so young, the odds are against your relationship lasting anyway, so just enjoy it while it lasts. Either that or become swingers so you can have your cake and eat it, too.

 

What makes you think it's so easy to find and bed women? Read all the threads on this forum!

[saboy]

thanks for the replys guys its really helping me. I have thought about it and I know that her having done that has its pros and cons but I honestly believe that the true problem isnt her having done it, its the fact that I havnt and she has. I can honestly say if i had as many sexual partners as her, maybe more maybe less or if we both were in my situation where we hadnt had many sexual experiences before than it would be a tiny fraction of the problem it is now. I feel we arent equal therefore we cant go through it together and comfort eachother and relate to eachother

[saboy]

To Negative Nancy. Thank you for showing interest in my thread but your post really doesnt relate to me because I have had no where near the amount of sexual experience my girlfriend has had.

[saboy]

Because you both are so young, the odds are against your relationship lasting anyway, so just enjoy it while it lasts. Either that or become swingers so you can have your cake and eat it, too.

 

What makes you think it's so easy to find and bed women? Read all the threads on this forum!

 

Its not just the bedding the woman its everything. The initial excitement that someone likes you, the flirting, the texting, the first date first kiss the rush of someone new and of course the sex. Like i said im not calling my girlfriend a slut Im saying she has had a fun awesome exciting life and is now settling down, in other words having her cake and eating it. Its not just about the sex

[Negative Nancy]

To Negative Nancy. Thank you for showing interest in my thread but your post really doesnt relate to me because I have had no where near the amount of sexual experience my girlfriend has had.

 

au contraire, that's EXACTLY why it relates to you...you are insecure and feel like you can't live up..

 

while you were having sexual fantasies and masturbating - you are upset about the fact that your girlfriend didnt have to fantasize - and actually was living what you could only dream of. But the fact that you were the "nice" guy who didnt have alot of success with women - led you to rationalize that you were the one being "moral" by waiting for "love." When you realize your girlfriend didnt have the same insecurities and issues and so her past dosent match yours - you can then judge her by saying shes immoral - when in reality you are simply threatened because her past vs yours indicates that she has more sexual power than you do.

her sexual past is just that - her PAST. at least she only did something in the past, before you - whereas you are destroying the relationship right now in the present...

 

Wow... that is an awesome thread =O

 

are you being sarcastic?

[OnyxSnowfall]

are you being sarcastic?

 

No sorry (I'm glad you posted it), I found it to be quite informative =)

[rafallus]

I'm afraid rational talk cannot change his notions. It couldn't do **** for myself, this changed only after actually gaining any experience.

 

So, OP - 2 choices:

1)Milk this relationship for all it's worth, before inevitable break up comes.

2)Break up right now.

 

Either way, after break up level the playing field in case your future partner was experienced (probably will be).