mnbvcxz123 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 About 3 yeaars ago my kids started in a new school. My life was very complicated with economy blah, blah. Going through hard times. I met a MM very quickly after the first day of school. Exactly the kind of guy I like except for the married part. Ended up having an affair but we were very clear about expectations basicly there weren't any beyond being good for each other while it lasted and to have each other's backs about the affair. I know - very, very selfish. Go ahead and beat me up. I did not want a full time realtionship with all going on iin my life. Really was focused on fixing the hard times and have greatfully and successfully done that. He really lost connection with his wife and was ready for someone to have fun with again. The marrage problems were in place before I even met him. Problem...since then, (it's was a two year affair) he had become my best friend. Been my go-to person even over my bff. Both our Kids got to know each other in school and became very good friends. He became my client in my business and so are many of his co-workers now because of his referrals. That's just a few examples. Our lives now overlap everywhere. I stopped seeing him months ago because he's unhappy but still there. I'm having a hard time with the overlap. NC is not realsitic as he is now all around my life. Not sure how to manage this now. I am not seeing or going to see him. Not turning to him in friendship either. He needs to figure out his life without me around but with the overlap we are always somewhere around each other. Any advise would help.
jthorne Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I'm sorry, what is the question? Your post is quite contradictory. First you say you've become best friends, then say that you're not turning to him in friendship. You also say you didn't want a full-time relationship, and now you say you've stopped the A because you're unhappy he's still M. Are you still married as well? What is it LS can assist you with? Are you wanting him to leave his W, or are you wanting assistance dealing with a former affair partner?
skywriter Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 mnbvcxz123, Hi and welcome. I hope you will get the advice you seek. The advice I would give,, is what I tell myself as well. Just give it time.I know it sounds alot more simplistic, than it actually is, but it does help. You just have to hold on, and go through the steps. It takes time to get over any break up and this is no exception. In my opinion, it is harder when you still have to have contact. Therefore, you can bet that yours will take even more time.
Author mnbvcxz123 Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 He has become a best friend but I don't belive I can stop seeing him and still maintain just a friendship. Both have to go. I was in a difficult place then without room for much else. That's why his unavailablity wasn't a problem for me. But I have worked all that through since then and I'm now have a place in my life that is open to a more serious relationship. Don't need to put any part of my life on hold anymore. I'm not married. Guess I'm looking for ways to manage this difficult situation.
whichwayisup Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 You slowly change your life, distance yourself from him professionally. Or, move, start over, do a work transfer.. Unfortunately your consquences (mixing buisness with pleasure) are tough ones to deal with..Though you both created this mess. Another thing to think about, counselling..To help you cope with this better.
jthorne Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 He has become a best friend but I don't belive I can stop seeing him and still maintain just a friendship. Both have to go. I was in a difficult place then without room for much else. That's why his unavailablity wasn't a problem for me. But I have worked all that through since then and I'm now have a place in my life that is open to a more serious relationship. Don't need to put any part of my life on hold anymore. I'm not married. Guess I'm looking for ways to manage this difficult situation.Then I would second WWIU's suggestion of counseling to discover why you felt being with an unavailable man was a better option than being alone or dating a single man on a limited basis. The counseling will also help you develop the tools in establishing boundaries to deal with him in your present situation.
Author mnbvcxz123 Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 It's my own business that I spent 10 years building and rebuilding in the last few years. It's now doing very, very well after a lot of hard work. Not at all in the cards to give it up. I could let him go as a client but he's still in other parts of life.
skywriter Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Your attitude sounds as if you are in a better place and that's great! I think ways to manage the situation, would be if you do have to see him, as I'm sure you are aware, but I'll say it, don't ever allow yourselfs to be alone together!!! Also the other obvious things, no communicating together. As long as you know what you want/need, stick to your guns. I've nevr had any counseling, so, I can't really comment on that subject. What is working for me, is just not having contact, and if I have to have contact, it is never, one on one.
Author mnbvcxz123 Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 I know what it was. I was very volnerable. Worried about lossing my house, worried about my kids, worried my employees would lose their jobs. He ended up giving me a lot of support both personally and professionally. Now it's time to fix this....
Author mnbvcxz123 Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Then I would second WWIU's suggestion of counseling to discover why you felt being with an unavailable man was a better option than being alone or dating a single man on a limited basis. The counseling will also help you develop the tools in establishing boundaries to deal with him in your present situation. I know what is was. I was very volnerable. Afraid of lossing my house, worried about my kids, worried about my employees lossing thier jobs. He gave a lot of support both personally and professionally.
awkward Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 It's my own business that I spent 10 years building and rebuilding in the last few years. It's now doing very, very well after a lot of hard work. Not at all in the cards to give it up. I could let him go as a client but he's still in other parts of life. It's nice that you were able to turn your business around. Times have been tough and it's wonderful that things are going well now. Let him go as a client. That is a good first step. Can we look at all the ways that he still has to be involved in your life and see if we can help you find a solution to remove him? Do your children have to play together? As far as the clients that he referred to you, can you separate them from him? Can you still do business with them without dealing with him? Also, if the affair is exposed will this effect your business? Will it effect your social relationships? How often do you have contact with him that is absolutely unavoidable?
Author mnbvcxz123 Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 It's nice that you were able to turn your business around. Times have been tough and it's wonderful that things are going well now. Thank you. Much appreciated. Let him go as a client. That is a good first step. Yeah, I was truyig to avoid that mostly because of the "why is he not your client any longer" questions. But it's too much. Can we look at all the ways that he still has to be involved in your life and see if we can help you find a solution to remove him? Do your children have to play together? yes, they went in a group to the movies last night. My older son dropped him off and picked him up so I wouldn't run into him. Same as above, why am I all of a sudden firing him as a client, keeping my kids from his kids.... acting so differently? As far as the clients that he referred to you, can you separate them from him? Can you still do business with them without dealing with him? Also, if the affair is exposed will this effect your business? Will it effect your social relationships? I can keep this fairly separate. I appreciates the help he gave me but exposure was one of the reasons I stopped it. Another reason I stopped is that he's not resolving any of the problems that are his part in getting to this crazy place. How often do you have contact with him that is absolutely unavoidable? Twice in the last month. One was a school event. One was about the kids. I loved the quote about the watches. It is so on target and provided clarity. Thank you for your help.
jj33 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Been my go-to person even over my bff. Both our Kids got to know each other in school and became very good friends. He became my client in my business and so are many of his co-workers now because of his referrals. That's just a few examples. Our lives now overlap everywhere. I stopped seeing him months ago because he's unhappy but still there. I'm having a hard time with the overlap. NC is not realsitic as he is now all around my life. Not sure how to manage this now. I am not seeing or going to see him. Not turning to him in friendship either. He needs to figure out his life without me around but with the overlap we are always somewhere around each other. Any advise would help. I was in a similar position. People told me to close down my business just to go NC with him. There were many times I wished our paths didnt have to cross, wished I didnt have to hear his fing name all the time from co workers etc and wished that our lives were not so enmeshed when it was now over. There were times it was rough but several years on, its fine now. 1. Try not to react when he does things to get your attention (and he will). Remember that no matter how you might interpret what he says or does, or how he might want you to decode it, if he is still married he is still married and the rest is irrelevant. 2. Try not to use work as an excuse to be in touch with him and respond only as necessary if he uses business as an excuse to be in touch (and believe me he will). 3. Resist the urge to talk about him to others who do business with you. Noone really knew until after it was over because we signalled things by talking about each other too much (that and I told people to get him off my back and that didnt work either). Other than that just play it by ear and hold your head high. His loss. Good luck
Author mnbvcxz123 Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Twice in the last month. One was a school event. One was about the kids. I loved the quote about the watches. It is so on target and provided clarity. Thank you for your help. I was in a similar position. People told me to close down my business just to go NC with him. There were many times I wished our paths didnt have to cross, wished I didnt have to hear his fing name all the time from co workers etc and wished that our lives were not so enmeshed when it was now over. There were times it was rough but several years on, its fine now. 1. Try not to react when he does things to get your attention (and he will). Remember that no matter how you might interpret what he says or does, or how he might want you to decode it, if he is still married he is still married and the rest is irrelevant. 2. Try not to use work as an excuse to be in touch with him and respond only as necessary if he uses business as an excuse to be in touch (and believe me he will). 3. Resist the urge to talk about him to others who do business with you. Noone really knew until after it was over because we signalled things by talking about each other too much (that and I told people to get him off my back and that didnt work either). Other than that just play it by ear and hold your head high. His loss. Good luck Glad you're better now. And yeah he has tried to be in touch recently. He's feeling it out to see if I have changed my mind. That's what the frustration today is. I think by writing all this today I'm realizing I'm just going to have to deal with the mess as it is. I did help make it. You're number 3 above strikes a cord. I've been really low key for the past few months but am afraid that firing him as a client, removing the kids from his for NC reasons is just going to raise huge red flags. Why would I be acting so differently and it is not a secret to his wife that there are problems. So, don't want to blow things up now. We don't have any hate or anger for each other. It's both our faults. What I do feel is disappointment in him. He is neither fixing his marriage or moving toward anything better. She's willing to have this as her marrage as well. Neither one is doing anything. Such a waste. I guess all three of us are at fault actually. Thanks
MissBee Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 (edited) He has become a best friend but I don't belive I can stop seeing him and still maintain just a friendship. Both have to go. I was in a difficult place then without room for much else. That's why his unavailablity wasn't a problem for me. But I have worked all that through since then and I'm now have a place in my life that is open to a more serious relationship. Don't need to put any part of my life on hold anymore. I'm not married. Guess I'm looking for ways to manage this difficult situation. Great for you, in realizing what you want now and how that situation doesn't meet it, thus you need to let it go! It's a hard decision that many people delay making, hoping things will change but good for you on making the decision and believing that life will catch up. I agree with the poster who said, you change your life slowly. Yes it was a bad idea to mix business with pleasure, particularly an affair; however, what's done is done. It is not impossible though to disentangle your lives. You can let him go as a client as you've said, you said you already let him go as a friend, where else is he involved? Unless he owes you a kidney or he is a loan guarantor, it seems like every other area he's involved with you can make some changes so that he's no longer involved. It won't be fun...but that's what happens. You have to sometimes re-shift your life, if it won't kill you to do so, you'll be fine. You may not be able to avoid seeing him, but seeing him and being friends with him or lovers is not the same thing and if you really are serious about leaving him alone, you can achieve that. Sooo the question you have to ask yourself is, are you really ready to close the door OR is it that you know it's the right thing but are probably subconsciously putting your foot in the door so that it cannot be closes completely, by making the business of NC more insurmountable than it is? Something to ponder....goodluck! Edited September 19, 2011 by MissBee
Author mnbvcxz123 Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Ok, this is a real concern, not just keeping my foot in the dooor even though that's tempting. It will be noticed by others if he isn't my client. It will noticed if I go NC even when it comes to the kids. The kids went to the movies as a group last night and my older son dropped him off and picked him up so I wouldn't run into him. I'm a trying to avoid as much as I can. But NC will be strange behavior. This has been kept quiet and I do know she is not unaware of the problems in their marriage. Will my new strange behavior be draw attention? Give anyone the "ah ha" moment and cause even more trouble?
SBC Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Ok, this is a real concern, not just keeping my foot in the dooor even though that's tempting. It will be noticed by others if he isn't my client. It will noticed if I go NC even when it comes to the kids. The kids went to the movies as a group last night and my older son dropped him off and picked him up so I wouldn't run into him. I'm a trying to avoid as much as I can. But NC will be strange behavior. This has been kept quiet and I do know she is not unaware of the problems in their marriage. Will my new strange behavior be draw attention? Give anyone the "ah ha" moment and cause even more trouble? You do realize that this is not going away, right? And further, you understand that you are fooling no one, right? What do you expect is going to happen here--that this whole thing is just going to blow over somehow? I would start owning your end of this so you can have some hand in the damage control.
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