To tell or not to tell?

[right_or_wrong]

Hello. I've been lurking here for few weeks. I'm not directly involved in infidelity but would like some input and opinions about my dilemma.

 

Please excuse the lengthy of this post, I would like to give all the necessary background.

 

Mt husband and I own a mid-size construction company. One of our employees is a 30 something woman, who is well known as a man-eater and, plainly put, a whore. She had several affairs with married men and isn’t ashamed or embarrassed about it. Her deceased mom was a relative of my father-in-law, that’s why we still have her as our employee, despite her reputation. I must point out, though, that she is an excellent and very loyal employee (which makes this situation all the more difficult.)

 

Few months ago, I found out that she was (and still is to this day) involved with one of our business associates. He is not an employee, but an independent contractor who does some work for us. I have known this man for many years. I always suspected that underneath the polite, almost-too-nice façade, there is a mean-spirited, deceitful man, who, turns out is not only a liar, but a low-life cheater too. This man is married and has 3 kids, a daughter who is 20, a son who is 14, and another son who is 11. This man presents himself as the perfect family man who is devoted to his family.

 

The affair is being conducted in broad daylight. He picks her up in his car during her lunch hour, and after she clocks out at the end of the day. He comes to the office occasionally and it’s very obvious that they are intimately involved with each other. My husband spotted them more than once in the parking lot in what could be described as a “compromising” situation. My husband actually called this man in, and had a talk with him about the implication this affair might have on his life and family, should information about the affair gets to his wife. The man, very arrogantly, proclaimed that he is positively sure that his wife will never believe that he is cheating on her and that she will always side with him against everyone else.

 

I, too, had a conversation with the other woman, and asked her to stop this insanity for the sake of his children. She point blank told me to not interfere in her business, as its not impacting her work. She vary brazenly told me that she doesn’t care about any consequences, as she isn’t the married one and therefore is under to obligation to be faithful to anyone. Apparently, the man also lavishes on her expensive gifts and helps her with her rent. As a side note – he is not her only married lover currently.

 

This entire situation is laying heavily on my mind. My aunt, whom I loved very much, was repeatedly cheated on by her husband, who infected her with AIDS, and she died at the age on 62. I told my husband that my conscious demands that I make the situation known to the man’s wife so she can protect herself and her children.

 

I want to make this as painless as possible, and also remain anonymous. I can’t allow this to impact our business’ reputation. The problem is, that despite my efforts, I can’t find a phone number or email address for the wife. The only avenue of contact that I found is the 20-year old daughter Facebook profile. I would hate to break this young woman’s heart by exposing her father to her, but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t just sit back and let the wife and these poor children be subjected to god knows what. I’m not a busybody, by any mean, but this is hitting too close to home.

 

Would this be the right thing to do? Is involving the daughter a bad and cruel thing? How can I be sure the daughter and the wife actually believe my words against his?

[CarrieT]

My gut reaction is to stay out of it.

 

For all you know, the wife DOES know and condones it; they may have an open marriage... She may have asked him to do it or bring the mistress home. There are so many variables you have no clue about and bringing in one of the children is just begging for trouble.

 

It isn't any of your personal business and I would therefore leave it that way.

[right_or_wrong]

My gut reaction is to stay out of it.

 

For all you know, the wife DOES know and condones it; they may have an open marriage... She may have asked him to do it or bring the mistress home. There are so many variables you have no clue about and bringing in one of the children is just begging for trouble.

 

It isn't any of your personal business and I would therefore leave it that way.

 

if they have an open marriage he would have said so to my husband, when he confronted him.

 

Obviously, you never experienced close-hand the devastating implications of affairs and unprotected sex, as I have. There is no way that I will allow these children to get sick, knowing I could have done something and didn't.

[StrongerThanB4]

In either case...be prepared to lose your contractor and her as an employee as a result of your supposed "snitching". I would seriously consider getting rid of someone like her in the workplace as her character flaw is definately a negative aspect to your company...a construction company of all things!

 

I would simply email the daughter that your her fathers boss and would like some contact info for her mother without her father knowing. I wouldn't come out and tell the daughter though. This can get very nasty if not dealt with in an appropriate matter though. What does your husband have to say with all this going on?

[Mme. Chaucer]

The children are not going to get sick.

 

Leave the poor daughter out of it.

 

If you are certain that telling the wife is the correct thing to do, find out how to contact her. It can be done. For example, I'm sure your company has his address.

[Bulldog25]

i can totally understand your instinct to tell his wife. however, if you do choose o do so, do you think that she will believe you or rather will she think that you are just some kind of a "nut" who's out to ruin

 

I can understand why you don't like the behavior of this "other women", but unless it's affecting her work or your business, is there really anything you can do about it? is it even your place to try? (i'm not trying to be snide, but i'm not sure if you can really do anything about it- as long as her work is acceptable, her private life, as disturbing as it may be- is not something you can really have any say in)

 

I would never tell the children. Let the parent handle that. Find out what county he lives and then pull up his property records online and send her a letter. Mail it from a post office near his house so he has no idea where it came from.

 

I am in similar situation. I need to tell someone that her husband has cheated on her with multiple women and men for at least the past 7 years. I am going to send a letter to her work one of these days because she is a great lady and deserves something a lot better than him. I work on their computers and came across his profiles to various sex sites one day. This prevert actually has naked pictures of himself posted out there. It's makes me just sick to my stomach.

[Lucky_One]

You are going to do this anonymously because you don't want this to impact your business.

 

But you are going to do something deliberately designed to impact someone's life.

 

In that case, stand up and be proud of what you feel so strongly about. If your moral horse is so high that you feel compelled to meddle in someone's private life, then have the guts to name your horse.

 

Their affair is having zero impact on your business; in fact, it could be having a positive impact, as your contractor may otherwise be taking his services elsewhere.

 

And for God's sake, leave his daughter out of it entirely. Unless you want to wipe her entire body down with hand sanitizer yourself, to keep her from getting sick. (WTF is THAT all about?)

[anne1707]

I am going to send a letter to her work one of these days

 

I am not questioning whether you should or should not tell her but please show some more tact and concern for her and do not send the letter to work. Correspondence may be opened by someone else first and even if that is not the case, do you really want her to receive that news in front of colleagues? Do you want her breaking down and crying in front of her boss? Let her deal with the news in the privacy of her own home and then let her decide who else knows.

 

 

Apologies to the OP for the t/j

[CarrieT]

if they have an open marriage he would have said so to my husband, when he confronted him.

Not necessarily. It is still a taboo subject and not a lot of people are open about such things.

 

Obviously, you never experienced close-hand the devastating implications of affairs and unprotected sex, as I have.

You don't know me and here you are making an assumption. A wrong one at that. Not only did my husband's affairs involve unprotected sex, but it was unprotected sex with MEN so I had the joy of getting tested for AIDS every six months for years.

 

See what happens when you make assumptions about people? You were wrong about me and you very well could be wrong about a situation that does not involve you.

[nyrias2]

Let me be blunt. This is NONE of your business. If the affair is not negatively impacting your business, you have no reason to do anything.

 

In fact, the lady is correct. You have no say in her private life, no matter how wrong you find her behavior to be.

 

Lastly, if you tell, and something bad happen, you may or may not be legally liable for your actions. Even if you are not, a frivolous lawsuit can cost a lot.

[ver13]

I have always said that if I feel someone needs to know something personal I'll tell them myself. If this relationship situation is something that you feel is wrong then have the courage to go to the womans house, job or whatever and tell her face to face. I would also add that you need to bring some solid proof with you besides emotions and convictions.

[confusedinkansas]

The affair is being conducted in broad daylight. He picks her up in his car during her lunch hour, and after she clocks out at the end of the day. He comes to the office occasionally and it’s very obvious that they are intimately involved with each other. My husband spotted them more than once in the parking lot in what could be described as a “compromising” situation. My husband actually called this man in, and had a talk with him about the implication this affair might have on his life and family, should information about the affair gets to his wife. The man, very arrogantly, proclaimed that he is positively sure that his wife will never believe that he is cheating on her and that she will always side with him against everyone else.

 

I, too, had a conversation with the other woman, and asked her to stop this insanity for the sake of his children. She point blank told me to not interfere in her business, as its not impacting her work. She vary brazenly told me that she doesn’t care about any consequences, as she isn’t the married one and therefore is under to obligation to be faithful to anyone. Apparently, the man also lavishes on her expensive gifts and helps her with her rent. As a side note – he is not her only married lover currently.

 

 

The only avenue of contact that I found is the 20-year old daughter Facebook profile. I would hate to break this young woman’s heart by exposing her father to her, but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t just sit back and let the wife and these poor children be subjected to god knows what. I’m not a busybody, by any mean, but this is hitting too close to home.

 

 

100% WRONG.......Leave his children out of this.

 

The other woman was right. This is NOT your business. I'll never understand why people have to stick their noses in something that doesn't have anything AT ALL to do with them.

If you have a problem with this woman & her work then fire her. AND hope she doesn't sue you. - However, her personal life (as long as it's not affecting her work) is still NOT your business.

 

Is it that you need drama in your life?

WHY would you tell his wife - or god forbid one of his children.......sheesh....People like this (you) just infuriate me.

 

I understand the pain that happened to your aunt. That IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM gives you the right to butt into someone elses business.

[2011aug]

"All that is necessary for the triumph [of evil] is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)

 

 

You can do it anonymously. With hard evidence if you have them.