carobaby7 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Hello everyone, I am 20 years old and in college and am extremely happy right now. BUT there is a huge problem. My parents absolutely despise my boyfriend and have never met him. When my boyfriend was 16 years old he had a very bad car accident that killed one of his buddies on his high school lacrosse team. If you have ever seen the movie "The Fifth Quarter" that is the story of my boyfriend's accident. We did not live in the state at the time when it happened and my mom found out by researching him online. She always researches the guys that I like online and looks on their facebook profiles etc. He never tried to run away from what he did like some of the newspapers said. He wrote the family several letters of apology, even from juvie and he tried several more times to contact them. His parents protected him from a lot of the media and never told him that they tried to contact him which he was very upset about. My boyfriend is now 22 and is one of the most excellent people I know. He treats me wonderful and is very respectful as his parents raised him to be. His father died when he was a sophomore in college and the family of the boy that he killed sued for his father's life insurance money so he had to drop out and come home. He loves his mother and sister very much and does all that he can to make them happy. He always goes over every Sunday to have dinner with his mother now that his sister is off to college. He has a steady job and is quickly moving up into management as well as taking online courses at one of the state universities to complete his college career. The community that the accident happened in forgave him for his mistakes and his widely respected and many people have a high opinion of him despite the accident. Our friends and their parents absolutely love him and are upset to see my parents being very judgmental. I love my parents so much and I know that they are very wise but I do know that we are also a very close minded family. My mom does not want him in our family because of his checkered past just from that one accident because she is afraid people will dislike our family because of it. She is afraid that if I made him angry he'd get me in a car and crash it. He is the best driver out of my group of friends and is the safest having learned from his accident. My family is also conservative and he is a liberal which makes my mother very angry. She also does not appreciate the fact that he is two inches shorter than me. She told me that he does not look like he belongs in our family because we are so tall and good looking. I am upset because I feel that I should be able to make my own decision and I feel like they should meet him so that they can at least get to know him. He is very well spoken and respectful and I know that they would like him if they met him but they refuse to. Also my mother says that I'm 'latching' on to him because I've never had a serious boyfriend and I'm desperate for one which honestly is not true. She always says that about the boys that she does not find handsome or smart enough. She also told me that of course I would believe him about his story on the accident because I like him. I have done research and many other people have affirmed his character. I do not condone what he did, he made a careless mistake and was being irresponsible despite his friends asking him to take it a little slower. I know my parents will kick me out of the house if I choose to be with him unfortunately and I don't understand. Many people love him and he is not solely remembered for that accident. I was just feeling a little beneath the weather about this and wanted to know what you all thought!
grkBoy Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I dunno. You're 20. If you're working on your future then work on it. In the end, go get a job, move to a very liberal area, and be one of the millions who barely talk to their elders or even come home for holidays. I would more or less tell your mom that she hasn't given a valid reason to reject this guy, and if she persists then it only means you'll work that much harder to put great distance between you and her. Maybe I'm just strong-willed or lucky my parents are not like that, but I'd rather be happy in love and let my parents hate me for it (if they're giving me BS reasons to reject someone) than to spend my life under their iron heel.
Author carobaby7 Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Thank you for the advice! And I get what you're saying. A lot of people say that it is my happiness that matters and that he is a great guy and they should at least be civil and meet him.
iJester Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 First thing, first. You're 20, move out, then they can't really say anything, and they definitely can't threaten to kick you out. Next time your mom brings up your boyfriend, tell her that you'd rather not discuss it and she's only driving you away from her. It's your life, live it how you want.
Author carobaby7 Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Thanks for the advice! I really appreciate it.
AHardDaysNight Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Yeah, you should definitely ignore your parents and move out. If they refuse to accept that people can change, you should cut them out of your life.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 "he never tried to run away from what he did" ?? He cleverly omitted that HUGE factor when beginning to date you. What if, say, "Monica Lewinsky" struck up a friendship with a guy, and began dating him, and failed to make it clear to him that she is in fact "Monica Lewinsky" (something SO prominent that everybody around should know) ?? It could be argued that Monica Lewinsky was relatively innocent in her infamy, but there is no question that your boyfriend is guilty. That he didn't step right out and own-up to this rather immediately, especially to YOU, really tells you a lot about the person you're dating. That your mom had to learn this online, for the first time, is a terrible mark against your boyfriend, and doubly so if you didn't even know this before your mother found the story online.
Author carobaby7 Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Ok let me clarify: "He never tried to run away from what he did" means that when he went to court for the accident he admitted that he was driving idiotically and it was completely his fault. He did not sit there and whine and say I'm just a kid it's not my fault or anything like that. He did tell me right when we started dating so I was well aware of it. My mother has been overreactive my entire life about everything and is very controlling therefore I did not want her to know which I should have said something and maybe it would have gone better the first time. I apologize for not making that known better.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 OK, then what IF your mom was reacting NOT as much to the semi-horror of your boyfriend's past, but instead to YOUR not having been bold enough to inform her in the beginning? (only to leave her to discover the dirty details online herself) Your mom did this all throughout your childhood... monitoring your mannerisms perhaps more closely than she monitored what you were saying. When you said: "Mom, can I... um... can I... uhhhhhhh, I want to know if I can st-st-st-stay over night as Suzy's... we are going to... um... going to... going to play Candy Land and then... have ice cream..." ... she could figure out that you were up to something far more sinister than playing Candy Land. There IS a very good chance that your guy is the upstanding citizen you now paint him as being, so there is hope. And I'm glad you're not too affected by his being shorter than you are. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand of course SOME small element of what you describe was bound to transpire even if you'd brought home Prince William. (a little bit of mom wanting to live vicariously through your social choices) Regardless of how the society around your parents now ACTUALLY sees/regards your guy (with regard to the accident), I wonder how your mother PERCEIVES the neighboring society to regard him, AND, also, her, through the **connection** via your dating him.
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