Really can't take this. My days are repetive.

[gbadboy]

I think I'm reaching the anger point

 

For the past few weeks I reflect and reflect on things and I now I ask myself why am I putting myself through all this pain, when clearly he doesn't seem to be hurting? He's out partying every weekend.

 

At the same time, ppl deal with things differently and everyone has different strengths and wiill power.

 

Still. Just an update on my situation.

 

My ex and I broke up since Feb, but we maintained this weird friendship relationship since July. During that time, i considerd myself single and as a result I hooked up with people. He however didnt see it that way and when he found it, he called it cheating. It was unfair, in my eyes.

 

However, we were able to secure a regular offical friendship and in early July my friend convinced him to give me a second chance by following his heart and asking me out again. But when he asked me out, I rejected him b/c at the time we were in the midst of an argument.

 

In retrospect, I regret saying "no". I was acting off emotion rather than logic and I tried to re-tract my statement a few days later after I got over my upest but he had had enough and was adament it was done for good. In fact, he became extremely furious not wanting to see me or speak to me.

 

Problem is, he became close to my friends during our relationship as he doesn't have any friends of his own (not any that would be deemed as a friend persay).

 

So I've had to run into him at social events sometimes which disrupts my healing process. At first I'd be excited to see him, but now its hurting me more and more.

 

We made some breakthrough as he doesn't seem to be as furious as he was before. At first he wouldn't even look at me, but last week we had a great conversation, we laughed, argued, i cried - he held me......wiped my tears from my face. He told me cares about me , and wants me in his life and as a friend one day. Yet he said i ruined our relationship and that he was so close to my family (he maintains ties with my brothers as well) and that he was going to be a part of my family - at least he thought until i destroyed it.

 

He said he would always be here for me if I ever needed him and I told him the same. I was actually sitting on top of him and he'd play with my ears, fix my clothes, bump my head while we "argued" etc. Was just weird - and it makes me fall deeper.

 

A lot of the posts on here refer to the dumper just ending it and catching the dupmee off guard. My situation is reversed, my ex tried to make it work, but it was I that screwed up. SO I think part of me is just blaming myself entierely.

 

Anyway, the problem I face is recently I heard my ex got put out of his house (he is 23) and has since been staying at my friends place (my friend is 37 ). This is the same friend that tried to re-link us and has been trying to re-link us during our problems.

 

I wasn't happy at first with the situation, but what am I suppose to do? Ask my friend to put him out?

 

I know most of you will say, my ex shouldn't be going to my ppl regardless, but honestly he has NO one. The problem is that I found out the reason WHY he got put out and its bascially because his parents found out that he is gay.

 

I do feel sorry for him b/c its not easy for us and while im glad I know my friend is there to look out for him, I suppose I selfishly wish it could be I to be there for him in his time of need.

 

I was unfaithful to my ex and he said he lost his trust in me and he's actually been going NC on me.

 

Last week though I began NC on him and this Thursday coming will make 2 weeks NC.

 

I have no desire to phone , email, txt him -it hurts too much. I do know though, that if i do txt him, he will reply.......but why should I keep initating the contact? Now that we are on good speaking terms , I realized I cannot be his friend.........its too hurtful. In fact, seeing him is painful. Too painful.

Im glad I dont have that desire, to call or go places where I'll see him. In fact, i DONT want to see him, because I know how that will make me feel.

 

My issue though is my friend who he is staying at. My friendship with my friend has been strained ever since. And yet while Im glad he's there to house my ex as he has no where else to go - it ultimately means I also need to cut myself out of friends life.

 

I cant hang out with my friend and i dont have that desire knowing my ex is around. It just hurts too much.

 

What do you guys think?

 

I dunno, I've been replaying all of this in my head for weeks and weeks now that literally its physically starting to hurt my head and its like why should I chase someone . I understand i was unfaithful to him but i tried to fix things.

 

I also want to be there for him b/c im sure its rough being put out by your family based on your sexuality. But he refuses to seek my help. At least though I reached out to him and told him im here.

 

This pain is unbareable, and it ruined my summer. Im crying all the time and my friends see im a changed person. I have a lot of great ppl who have been there for me and want me to get better. I am thankful that unlike my ex, I have very strong support systems. I even have family that are supportive.

Which is why im not so upset that he's going to my friend for support, as he has no one else a

nd also because im the one that cheated on him and thus ruined our relationship. I dont want to ask my friend to choose or take sides, especially knowing im the one that kind screwed up.

 

I just dont understand the living arrangement they have, because my friend is unemployed and has been for 3 months and his severance is depleting....and I think my friend was saying to another mutual friend of ours that he's seriously considering moving back to his parents place (my friend that is - not my ex). So i dont know where that will leave my ex, if my friend decides to move back to his folks place. I suppose that's not my concern though.

 

THe only way to heal from this severe heart ache is to cut him and everyone (even friends) who are close to him. I cannot heal otherwise, I realized this. Im really going insane.......I keep having dreams about him - its so tough.

 

I think ive cried too much and my tear ducts are dried out - now its like im fed up and im angry - just angry because of all the pain im putting myself through.

 

Ive been reading a lot of posts here and it helps as well as literature on line and a lot of them say, you have the power (and only you) to change your view and make yourself happy. Im slowly starting to see that, but still.

 

Im just getting fed up of everything. They say when you've broken up you need to just remove yourself from all familar situations and links to him - thats the only way i can do this.

 

Anyone been in a similar situation?

[gbadboy]

I should also give credit where credit is due...

 

I honestly think my ex believes im not attracted to him. We never did "much" in fact nothing major at all, and I know this frustrated him.

 

And when we did do stuff, Im honest - I wanted to rush it and I had to concentrate hard...at times i would dred it. Its weird right?

 

I also wasn't affectionate enough and I realize this........he was extremely affectionate as was my previous bf.....but im the type of guy that shows my affection in other ways - not always physical.

 

Then again, physical affection is important and if ur not given that to ur parenter, i can now understand how that would be affecting.

 

So if you couple all of that based on the fact that i started hookin up with other guys, it double impacted my ex. In his eyes, he said that i could go do stuff with strangers, but noto do stuff with him. He said i did more stuff with strangers than I did with him.

 

I'm rambling, but I guess Im starting to look at things from his perspective. After all of this though, he STILL asked me back out again, to which I said no. I regreted that 5 days later.

 

So this is the reason WHY im not trying to get my friend who he is staying at to put him out of the house given his parents threw him out. I think that would be mean and vindictive.

 

IF IF IF IF it was my ex who did most of the wrong and was unfaithful to me, I would never accept any of my friends supporting him whatsoever. I suppose though when u urself know ur wrong, u cant blame ur friends to lean on his side.

 

I jus want to fast foward myself 1 year from now and see how im feeling then.

[sleepykitten]

Hmmmm, I cant say I have ever been in your situation, but I can see from what youve written how upset you are and that you regret and understand your exs response. If I were you, i would stay nc, its hurtful for you because you want to make it right. But I think you need to maybe look at why you couldnt be very affectionate and intimate with your partner but could with relative strangers, maybe you have a fear of intimacy, and if not addressed this can lead to all sorts of mess in the future as you wont be able to sustain a loving relationship with someone. I am not judging you here, far from it, we all have our issues, the point is to understand your own actions and try and to try and change some of these behaviours that can be destructive, weather they are used for avoidence, or whatever its something that may come up time and again.

[gbadboy]

Intresting reply.

 

I never thought that I could have a fear of intamacy but it sounds like you are correct. Its not that I dont love him (believe me, if I didn't love him, I would let 3 months post break up affect me as much as its affecting me)

 

Its not like I can't find someone.......Im not bragging, but Im a good dude looking with a good job, my own place downtown - etc. So its not like im taking this break up real bad b/c i know i wont find anyone.......on the contrary.....

 

Im not intrested in anyone or meeting anyone. I just want him.

 

I think I am in fact afraid of intamacy, because the more intimate I get, the more attached I get.

 

Clearly I became attached to my ex or I wouldn't be taking this so hard. Can you imagine if I was very affectionate with him? HOw even more attached with that get me.

 

So yea, I think my fear of intamacy comes from the fact that I'm afraid to get even more attached.......when im attached i become too dependent.

 

THanks for the reply - means a lot.

[sleepykitten]

I know for me I had/have abandonment issues, my dad left when i was 3 and i only saw him occasionally with his new family and then i was left with a babysitter, and my mum went on holiday when i was 6 left me with an aunt and said she would be back in 2 weeks and dint come back untill 12 weeks later, no call, letter anything. That and my upbringing was very lacking in any affection or nurturing. I didnt realise untill a few yrs ago that i had a very unhealthy way of looking at relationships, yes i too could get anyone i wanted and had a succession of men in the wings all proclaiming love etc it was like i was storing it all up so i couldnt be left again. But then as soon as i had a "normal" kind man i messed it all up because it didnt feel "right" to me i was so used to the rollercoaster of emotions of being left, hurt etc, and never really gave myself to him, always thinking he was far too good for me, without realising it i sabotaged everything. I had a compleate fear he would leave one day i also became so dependent on him i was like a child and i knew this was not healthy.

I totally fear being on my own too, so fear of intimacy, fear of being alone....nightmare. I dont know if any of this strikes a chord with you?

[gbadboy]

Yes it does. When I met my ex , during the relationship I dont think I realized what I had. As I reflect, his good out weighed his bad. Yet I messed it all up.

 

Don't get me wrong, I did a lot of good things for him - a lot or else he wouldn't have stayed with me, nor would he have worked to fix us.

 

He is 23 and Im 32. I know - you must be thinking I sound and am acting much younger than my age. Problem is, my behaviour is coming from my heart not my mind.

 

But given the age difference, I like you - had fears that he would leave me , b/c of his age. I mean, what 23yr wants to settle down? Even if he settles for like 3 years, at age 26th, he might want to see what's out there?

 

Were your ex's aware of your abandonment issues as a child?

 

What bugs me the most is that when I meet guys, its them that chase me and push to go fast and its I that like to go slow and I hesitate and hold back b/c im afraid of getting attached, afraid of intimacy b/c what if I let my guard down and then they leave me in 2 years? Where will that leave me?

[IREGRETIT]

My situation is somewhat similar. My bf broke up with me 3 days ago. Those 3 days have seemed like forever. He broke up with me because i did what people call "emotional cheating" i sent private pics of me to another guy and i got caught. I really regret it because ive noticed the amount of pain i have caused him and in that year of being together i had never seen him cry until that day. Im so stupid for what i did but i wanna make things right with him. I need him. We had plans of moving in together and everything im sure hes the one i wanna spend the rest of my life with. Like i said these past 3 days have seemed like a lifetime, he ignored me completely on saturday but yesterday and today we were texting all day. I didnt bring up the subject of me cheating we would only talk about family and work and school. Thing is i wanna try this no contact thing, but i live with his best friend due toi had family problems at home and i moved out 2 weeks ago. We haveall the same friends so i think were gunna have to see each other sooner or later. And my graduation from college is in october and i really want him to go because he was the most help i had while i was in school and i wouldnt be able to enjoy my graduation without him there.....please tell me what do i do to get him back???

[sleepykitten]

Yes it does. When I met my ex , during the relationship I dont think I realized what I had. As I reflect, his good out weighed his bad. Yet I messed it all up.

 

Don't get me wrong, I did a lot of good things for him - a lot or else he wouldn't have stayed with me, nor would he have worked to fix us.

 

He is 23 and Im 32. I know - you must be thinking I sound and am acting much younger than my age. Problem is, my behaviour is coming from my heart not my mind.

 

But given the age difference, I like you - had fears that he would leave me , b/c of his age. I mean, what 23yr wants to settle down? Even if he settles for like 3 years, at age 26th, he might want to see what's out there?

 

Were your ex's aware of your abandonment issues as a child?

 

What bugs me the most is that when I meet guys, its them that chase me and push to go fast and its I that like to go slow and I hesitate and hold back b/c im afraid of getting attached, afraid of intimacy b/c what if I let my guard down and then they leave me in 2 years? Where will that leave me?

 

Tried to reply to this last night but my laptop connection at home can be a bit tempramental!!

Yes my exs were aware of my abandonment issues, more so with my recent ex as I knew it may impact on the relationship so i was always very open and honest and treid to always explain why i may have acted in a certain way etc. The thing i think which makes me sad is that he knew all my triggers etc and seemed to use them all against me in the end, almost knowing the efffect it would have on me.

Re your "where will that leave me in 2 yrs if i get too attached"....unfortunatly there are no gaureentees, for me i know that in order for me to have a decent healthy relationship i need to not seek someone to "rescue" me, or to avoid the empty feelings i have inside, sometimes the lonliness is crippling, but I just repeat that this isnt me or a reflection of my life now its fears and childhood stuff coming up. I am terrified of trusting someone and investing time and being left too. I am hopeful though by putting in some work now i will attract a better relationship, i need to be happy and independent emotionally on my own first and then maybe i will be really ready for someone else.

[gbadboy]

@ IREGRETIT

 

So there are 2 types of people. Those who make mistakes in a relationship, show no remorse and move on and then there are those like us who fess up to what we did and try our best to fix things.

 

LIke my ex, your's has a right to be upset at you and you need to give him that time. If you want him back then you have to be in a position to accept him yelling at you and giving you hell for what you did. Never try to make excuses, admit your mistakes. Eventually in time he will get over it. But its not enough to say you won't do it again.

Take this time to show him through actions (not words) that you wouldn't do that again.

 

If you sent pics via facebook then de-activate your account for a bit. Big step, but if this is the guy you say you want to spend your life with, then you should easily do this. De-activate it a bit, and once he sees this , he'll know you mean business and he might one day give in.

 

If after some time, you see no advance on his part, you can re-activate it.

[IREGRETIT]

Yes i know i must take all his anger. But should i play the nc rule? I really miss him and weve been texting like friends but its not enough for me and im not ready to open that friendship window with him yet. Im friends with all my exs so being friends wouldnt be bad but i dont wanna give uo on getting him back just yet. Hes my first long term relationship and i dont wanna break up. What do you think?

[gbadboy]

You're sort of like me.

 

We did wrong yet the ex is the one that is trying to reach out and be the friend.

 

Well mine isn't texting me everyday (I wish he was)

 

Your's is.

 

I think what you need to do is clarify with him first if there is EVER a chance of getting back together. If he says no - just friends..........then I would say to him, that you cannot be friends with someone you love and then go NC.

 

Let me him know that you are willing to make things right and pay for your mistakes but only as a gf -not as a friend.

 

If he can only give you friendship and you want more, then you MUST go NC. Maybe in time he will eventually re-connect with you and want to reconcile, but go NC until then.

 

If you do go NC - complete NC then you'll need to make changes to your social life if you guys share mutual friends. Unfortunately some friends will need to be sacraficed, but guess what? I would rather sacarafice a friend who is close to my ex rather than let me sit there and suffer.

 

Look out for your feelings and re-adjust your social life if you truly want to get over him IN HOPES of reconnecting with him in the future via NC.

[IREGRETIT]

Yes. I decided to go no contact with him. On monday night i sent him a text explaining how sorry i was for what i did. How i woud do anything to get him back . And that i still love him. I didnt text with im at all yesterday abd i havet texted him today. I get the urges to just say hello but idk. I really hope this will work because my graduation is in 21 days. And i really hope to be talking to him again by that time because i really want him to go. What do i do??