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I never cared that wife makes more money than me...until now.

nuk

By nuk
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nuk Member

nuk

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I didn't choose a lucrative career but it makes me happy and I'm highly regarded in my field. In the last city we lived in my wife made 38% more than me and I did not care. My position and workplace made up for any difference and I was happy for us. We have since moved and I am a trailing spouse and she now makes 72% more then I did. I'm still happy for us but the problem I am having is it's the same amount we were making together. We are now in a different city where I can sincerely say there in no respectable institution nowhere near the same level I was at. It's been 10 months and I have found nothing except for a job making a 1/3 less at a place that means nothing with crappy hours, work that would be not gratifying and little autonomy and this is the best as it's going to get. Wife has suggested that I open my open business but pessimism aside I question this is a good city for it and frankly i don't want to work 16 hours a day 7 days a week, I used to work 12 hours a day and I was fine with that. I should note we have a child. I have tried to argue that this move was solely about her and nothing else to no avail. We live here now, i got that and I should do something, anything, what I haven't a clue. I am also concerned that I end up doing some menial job that makes me miserable and my check becomes a bi-weekly insult rather than a contribution. Perhaps I just want someone to say "wife was wrong to move us here against my will" but more than that I'm hoping someone will find the time to give me a objective opinion/advice...in the meantime I have a house to clean.

Scottdmw Established Member

Scottdmw

Posted
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What about taking this as an opportunity to move into a different field altogether? In my opinion, it's more important to a woman that her man has a sense of purpose and mission then that he immediately brings home money, so long as basic needs are met. Is there some other field you could move into by perhaps seeking additional education? Something that would most importantly be meaningful and exciting to you? If so, consider whether your financial situation would allow that. It might actually make your wife happier than having you work a “dead-end” job that means nothing to you.

 

Scott

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nuk Member

nuk

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thank you scott for your reply. if I didn't know any better I would think you were my wife posting anonymously? deep down I may think you're right and I would be playing devil's advocate to a degree by saying I'm a little fearful at starting a new career in my early 40s. while it's not directly related to the "topic" it' fuels my rage that we moved from southern california where the weather suits me to new england where i cannot emphasize how much the weather makes me crazy. long winters, april AND may showers, humid summer, fal...we have fall to look forward to. I'm getting off topic here...

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nuk Member

nuk

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doube post, sorry

Edited by nuk
double post
norajane Established Member

norajane

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I'm getting off topic here...

 

Actually, I don't think you are. I think this move has been an enormous compromise for you, not something you wanted at all, and you did it for her and for your marriage. That should make you feel good (especially for your wife's success in her career and the respect she must have for you for prioritizing her needs and your marriage), but you now have to deal with the reality of the resulting issues that caused you to not want to move in the first place and, yes, that is going to be hard on you.

 

All the issues feed into each other - as you said, it fuels your rage and the sense of impotence that you have no control over your life and can't do anything about the things you hate about it.

 

Your job is one of those issues, and probably the one you can control most (you cannot control the weather!). I don't know what kind of job you do, but New England is...geographically small. If your town doesn't offer the kind of opportunities you want, can you search a bit further out?

 

Also, don't dismiss out of hand the idea of trying something new. 40's isn't old. A friend's mother was forced to retire from her high school guidance counselor job at a nice private school in Manhattan...at her age, she developed a nice little business for herself teaching foreign students in China how to speak better English, all done over the internet.

 

Point being, don't give up, and open your mind to creative ideas.

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nuk Member

nuk

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well put, thank you, I will try. as for venturing out, maybe. I've never commuted more than 20 minutes even in la (it was 12 min) it's always been a rule of mine never to have work and home more than 20 min drive, 30 tops. This rules has always served me well.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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If what you're doing isn't working, try something else.

 

Your wife evidently is an established and successful person. She suggested starting a business. Ask her for specifics and for other suggestions. Engage her. You're a team. You'd do the same for and with her.

 

It's possible, even with a child, that you could re-train or otherwise augment your skillset and be in a completely different and successful and satisfying career by the time you're 50, and still have another 20-30 years of healthy life, work and marriage ahead of you, at minimum. Think about how much adult life you currently have under your belt. Good luck.

Eve Established Member

Eve

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Been in a similar spot. Only difference was Hubby being made redundant.. all the time. He is different from you though in that he has never been that bothered about money. Anyhow, we started a business which he now works full time in and it is mega successful - without him working mad hours. He was very apprehensive at first.

 

I think you are feeling a rather confined at the mo. Talk to your wife. Many women feel this way too. Being at home can make some people feel down.

 

As long as your wife isn't condescending, that is all that matters. You are still her man and raising your child and keeping house is a beautiful and valuable contribution.. :love:

 

Try and make sure you go out everyday. Join various groups and stuff too. Be proud that your wife can put the food on the table. I am very much like your wife like that.

 

At least you have choices. Take your time and really think about what you would like to do. The world is your oyster and all that! :laugh:

 

Even if you do take a menial job, be proud and do it well. Having a good attitude gets you noticed so even a menial job can take you places. This is about you and your family. Nothing is more precious. Nothing.

 

Hope you feel better about things soon. I would be interested to hear what you come across and any business ideas. I find things like that really exciting!

 

Go for it and keep yourself looking sexy. Number one priority in life. :D

 

Take care,

Eve x

Scottdmw Established Member

Scottdmw

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thank you scott for your reply. if I didn't know any better I would think you were my wife posting anonymously? deep down I may think you're right and I would be playing devil's advocate to a degree by saying I'm a little fearful at starting a new career in my early 40s. while it's not directly related to the "topic" it' fuels my rage that we moved from southern california where the weather suits me to new england where i cannot emphasize how much the weather makes me crazy. long winters, april AND may showers, humid summer, fal...we have fall to look forward to. I'm getting off topic here...

 

I know it can be a little scary thinking about starting over again. But, trust me it can be exciting too. I'm going to be 39 in a few months, and I'm in the process of applying for medical school for next year. A small part of me is worried about making such a big transition at my age, but mainly I'm very excited to move into something that seems much more meaningful to me than what I'm doing now. I don't even have the benefit of a wife to offer me financial support.

 

So, I'm not suggesting to you anything that I'm not doing myself! Give it some thought. There must be something you would be excited about doing. Maybe it takes more than just a little thought but a process of discernment that might last for a few months or something. But, I bet that there is something out there for you.

 

Best wishes,

 

Scott

  • 2 weeks later...
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nuk Member

nuk

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there's been some great advice here and I thank everyone. I believe it's time for us to throw in the towel. There is too much anger and resentment daily for 10 months now all on my part for moving us here. It's the 2nd time in a life altering decision I don't believe my opinions/thoughts/feeling were respected and I suspect it would happen again. There has been too much irreparable damage, I feel betrayed and I no longer trust her. too bad.

AHardDaysNight Established Member

AHardDaysNight

Posted
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there's been some great advice here and I thank everyone. I believe it's time for us to throw in the towel. There is too much anger and resentment daily for 10 months now all on my part for moving us here. It's the 2nd time in a life altering decision I don't believe my opinions/thoughts/feeling were respected and I suspect it would happen again. There has been too much irreparable damage, I feel betrayed and I no longer trust her. too bad.

 

This is not the answer. And I don't believe anybody suggested you get a divorce.

 

I think you should take your wife's advice, and maybe look into switching careers. Is there anything you're interested in, apart from what you're doing now?

norajane Established Member

norajane

Posted
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there's been some great advice here and I thank everyone. I believe it's time for us to throw in the towel. There is too much anger and resentment daily for 10 months now all on my part for moving us here. It's the 2nd time in a life altering decision I don't believe my opinions/thoughts/feeling were respected and I suspect it would happen again. There has been too much irreparable damage, I feel betrayed and I no longer trust her. too bad.

 

Well, gee, what kind of marriage did you sign up for? The easy kind where everything works out the way you dreamed when you got married? Or the real kind?

 

If you signed up for the real kind of marriage, then everything you just said in your quote above is something you need to talk with your wife about. Openly, honestly. Communicate. You must be able to tell the woman in your life that you are deeply unhappy, have grown resentful, and feel betrayed. Talk. And listen. Talk some more. Strive for understanding - understand her, and help her to understands you. Tell her exactly what you are thinking, and how miserable you are. Tell her what it's doing to your head - the depression and rage. Keep listening. Keep talking until the two of you find a way to work through this together.

 

You both contributed to the current state of affairs, so you both must TRY again and understand each other and figure something out together. Whatever the outcome, this is your life and your marriage - expecting a lifetime commitment like marriage to work without sticking with it when it's hard is naive. Try again.

 

Maybe your wife will surprise you if you are able to get through to her and help her understand that your marriage is in serious trouble, and you don't believe she has your back anymore.

 

You don't think successfully married people, the ones who celebrate their 50th anniversary, ever feel the way you are feeling now? Of course they have. Probably more than once throughout their marriage. Probably more than twice.

 

So try again to get through to your wife.

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Eve Established Member

Eve

Posted
Posted
there's been some great advice here and I thank everyone. I believe it's time for us to throw in the towel. There is too much anger and resentment daily for 10 months now all on my part for moving us here. It's the 2nd time in a life altering decision I don't believe my opinions/thoughts/feeling were respected and I suspect it would happen again. There has been too much irreparable damage, I feel betrayed and I no longer trust her. too bad.

 

Talk it through with your Wife. If it is over, it's over. It did not come across that thinking together like a couple was something you really wanted although you state this.

 

You just sounded pissed, like you want to throw in the towel.

 

I reckon in years to come you will regret this - but my bias is that I have been married for a while and so tend to see what you have described as a manifestation of a challenge to reach a higher level of communication and intimacy and not reason to split.

 

.. but if you have had enough, you have had enough.

 

Just know that it is highly probable that this issue (at it's root) may return again, just with a new person in a new place.

 

Take care,

Eve x

  • 1 month later...
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nuk Member

nuk

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norajane and eve, you two speak intelligently and truthfully and I thank you. i also see the logic in what is said.

 

norajane, what kind of marriage did I sign up for? I thought one where decisions

where made together and opinions and beliefs were respected but apparently not.

 

I have done everything you mentioned prior to my original post many times to no avail.

 

it's been almost months of mostly misery. I am in therapy and on anti-depressants. I am trying. I just get the feeling divorce is inevitable. yes, I know the expression "if a man believes he is going to die tomorrow..."

 

eve, yes I am pissed. More than I have ever been for a extended period of time that I am seriously concerned for my health.

 

I may have made up mind I cannot be happy here in new england and a mood light isn't going to help.

 

I simply see very little redeeming quality of life here. In other words life is not fun. I didn't see very much too be unhappy about in california.

 

Wife says "we go where with the money is." I get that, we were not doing bad. a lot of people have it a lot worse. there is a big distinction between us in that for me money is not everything. I don't need much.

 

thanks for listening

Phantom24 Member

Phantom24

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This looks like a more troubling situation that what you may be leading on. There could be a couple issues here that are causing you discontentment. The whole % of who makes what is always a weighing factor regardless of how strong of a team you two are. You need to have a sense of relevance and if you spend your work time doing something you don't enjoy for what you feel is insignificant amount of contribution then you are going to be miserable. You're always going to be second guessing your worth, you're always going to be wondering how she sees you and these two things will lead to insecurity issues.

 

I think you should work on trying to find an avenue of bringing in income that makes you happy. Use the flexibility of your wives income to allow you to explore ways to develop towards a rewarding occupation for yourself. This is very necessary for you. If you don't achieve this, then there is going to be some level of inadequacy. Bring back your sense of purpose. When you do that you will become more tolerant. Really think hard to assess the New England thing. It was okay for you at one point, I'm sure it can still be okay for you again. I'm sure that it takes a tole, but is it the meat of the issue?

 

Work on getting things going for yourself. Continue to be supportive as I'm sure your wife is grateful for the sacrifices you have made for her. Allowing her to enjoy the successes of her career is very meaningful to her. One thing I'd be attentive towards is the closeness you two have. Is it still there? People have issues, but how they deal with them is a strong tell towards how they feel about each other. If you guys are growing distant, I'd take action on remedying that as a top priority. Go hard at this, don't give me this "throw in the towel" nonsense. If things can't work at least wait for the ref to make a decision to stop the fight. There's a happy medium between quiting and sitting there taking blows and you gotta make sure you gave it your best effort before calling it quits. Sorry for the additional boxing references...you started it.

Eve Established Member

Eve

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See what your therapist thinks to having your wife join sessions for a while maybe?

 

It could be that you not wanting to explore your new area really is about the anger you feel towards moving more than the area itself. Human psychology has a way of joining up issues and molding them as one, when they are not.

 

Take care,

Eve x

  • 1 year later...
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nuk Member

nuk

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Wow, I started this over a year ago and things have been up & down. I've been in therapy. We tried marriage counseling, I don't think that helped. I'm medicated which has helped a lot but of course there are those instances where I'm just batty.

 

The sum of it I disappoint her that I haven't adapted to the east coast. i just can't bring myself to see much positive here. Crap weather, lack of a grid, limited ethnic culture blah blah. I still haven't found permanent employment, just intermittent consulting. I haven't....we haven't built much of a community i.e. friends. For me it's the Castanza "who needs more friends" or something rather...I like the ones I had...back home.

 

I see zero reason why we should continue this farce except for our 4 year old daughter which I know isn't a good idea but what would happen is I would move back west and I think I would fade from their lives. There would be/has been much anger from me for what I still believe ruined our lives by moving here.

 

I can't seem to, probably don't want to forgive wife for this. I know it does me no good. I just feel like I want to be angry for the remainder of my life, pathetic I know. I hate my life here that much.

Got it Established Member

Got it

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Did you agree to the move or did your wife take the job switch against your will and specific explicit rejection of it?

 

If you agreed then I am confused why you are putting the onus on her that this was her decision and this "happened to you".

 

I understand even when you agree and it never works out favorably. I get the gamble but you two can choose to work as a team. It may be that you two decide that you will make a move back to the West in the next x years allowing a financial feasible decision.

 

I understand, I really do, it has been a more frequent dilemma for women trying to support their spouse's careers. Have you two done MC?

  • Like 2
TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

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"Perhaps I just want someone to say "wife was wrong to move us here against my will" but more than that I'm hoping someone will find the time to give me a objective opinion/advice"

 

I think the part in bold is the real truth. I think you came in here already deciding that you want to get a divorce and "fade" from their lives and was hoping you would get some people agreeing that its all your wife's fault - and that would just reinforce and justify to you what you were already planning.

 

If you really want to leave, then leave.

 

It sucks giving up so much for your partner and not adjusting and being miserable, it hurts and its frustrating I get that, but when people were suggesting that you venture out of the city you were in for work you'd like, you say "oh the 20 minute commute" rule and how you don't want to break that - that alone is indicative of how you're not really trying all the avenues you can to actually find happiness and still be there for your family.

 

I'm sorry that you're depressed and all, truly I am, but its not fair to put all this on your wife, you're a big boy, you came with her on your own free will, so at least own that, just like you should own the divorce and "fading" from your daughter's life.

 

Nothing wrong with divorces, but at least own up to them.

 

Sorry, I really don't mean to sound harsh, but it really seems like you're trying to hide behind your real intentions.

  • Like 1
charlietheginger Established Member

charlietheginger

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Swallow ur pride....

Clean house cook take care of child

Wait on her hand and foot.

 

Till you find a job or start a business

What ever you dont look lazy

Stay happy and optimistic.

 

This situation happened to

A friend they struggled

He did ok financially but

Never made alot of money she

Worked making 8$ a hour

As the yrs went by she got

Her doctorates degree

With in 2yrs made 120k a yr

And told him goodbye...

 

Dont let this be you.

FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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You have a kid to consider. Why not be a stay at home father and home school your kid? Be creative in the home. You may get a great idea for a business as a result. You have someone supporting you in a nice lifestyle. If you left, you would unlikely find work at your age and you'd probably be paying child support to boot.

 

I happen to love New England and the seasons. There is plenty of ethnic diversity. Instead of Mexicans there are Puerto Ricans!

serial muse Established Member

serial muse

Posted
Posted (edited)
Did you agree to the move or did your wife take the job switch against your will and specific explicit rejection of it?

 

If you agreed then I am confused why you are putting the onus on her that this was her decision and this "happened to you".

 

This is exactly what I was wondering. From your previous posts, OP, it sounds an awful lot like you fully agreed to the move, but are regretting that now and resenting your wife for it.

 

But that's pretty unfair, if so. With two people in careers, there is ALWAYS a two-body problem, and a compromise will ALWAYS be on the table. In this case, it sounds like part of the issue for you is that you feel somehow emasculated by her larger salary. (Apologies if that's not right, but that's sure what it sounds like.) You're hardly alone in that, but it's not fair to lay that at her feet. It's odd that you're so angry at her for this - particularly because playing the passive-aggressive victim isn't likely to make you feel any more empowered or masculine.

 

If she really ignored your stated objections to this move, then that's one thing - and a very serious thing, too.

 

But if it's just a matter of you resenting her because you're not happy now, and/or because she's really the breadwinner these days, then that's another thing entirely. The latter is what it sounds like, from your posts - and if that's the case, then there is some seriously misplaced anger going on.

 

You are, it seems, actively making the choice NOT to be happy where you are - you're obsessing over why it's her fault, and feeding that anger with every thought.

 

Divorce is an option, sure. But it doesn't sound like you've really thought about/open-mindedly weighed what other options are available to you. You're too blinded by the anger that you've been feeding for so long. For example, you could make a deal with your wife that you stick it out where you are - without resentment and while making an actual emotional effort - make friends, find the good in your life! - for X number of years (let's say, five total, which includes the two you've already put in). And then you move again, to accommodate your needs. It can be done, if everyone's willing to be reasonable.

Edited by serial muse
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nuk Member

nuk

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I appreciate the to I respond tough love, it's what I respond to best, thank you all.

 

In no order:

 

I didn't agree to move here but I was trying to be supportive.

 

Our child goes to day care for the socialization etc. Also I don't think I could entertain her for 8 + hours a day.

 

I have done plenty of things to keep me busy whether they be fun, creative, practical or necessary.

 

I DO all the cleaning and I am a awesome cook so I prepare all meals.

 

My profession doesn't offer much in terms of transferable skills and right now I don't have the slightest idea what to do otherwise. I did give another field a good feel only to find out I would rather it just be a interest.

 

And yes I am blinded by anger. I do allow the small things resurrect my anger which I do not believe was a problem or issue before. I'm referring to let's say

snow. I didn't see it until I was 20 and then I thought "WOW, I really hate this!" I did live in Chicago for than a couple of years solely for a good career move and then one winter I just couldn't take it any more and I went West again I'm not interested in skiing or any of that.

 

No view of mountains and not having any idea where North, South East & West is.

 

I digress.

 

Yes Divorce is a option but not having anywhere to go is tough. I've been told many times staying together for a child is never a good idea perhaps I just haven't accepted that.

 

anyway, thanks for listening and I hope y'all are well.

 

happy new year.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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It's been a year, and you are still this miserable. Is your wife at all open to moving back to CA?

 

There is more to life than money!

  • Like 1
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nuk Member

nuk

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There is more to life than money!

 

This has been my belief for as long as I remember...i think I can think my father for that.

 

CA IS a mess and the answer would be "NO". I'd be just happy to be out of the snow belt.

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