Queen Zenobia Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 You're suggesting I go through her phone? For the love of God, DON'T DO IT!!! Respect her privacy. But, you have every right to be concerned. And you need to at least meet this guy if they ever hang out again.
Author hikaru Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 For the love of God, DON'T DO IT!!! Respect her privacy. But, you have every right to be concerned. And you need to at least meet this guy if they ever hang out again. I don't think I ever could do that. What if I meet the guy and it doesn't make me any more comfortable?
laotzu Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Pretty crazy that she's going out with a former lover for drinks, she was surreptitious with the person and timing, and you're worried about coming off as a controlling *******. Controlling *******: a guy who tries to keep a girl from talking to or having any male friends. That's not what you're doing. I think you should have been a little harder in this situation, because I think if you're going to be in a relationship you need to set boundaries early. What you've now done is let her control this situation, which sets a precedent. She's out drinking right now with a former lover, while her new boyfriend sits at home writing on an internet messageboard. There's something wrong with that. I wouldn't plan on dating this girl forever, but then, I'm a little bit more of an *******.
norajane Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 I refuse to tell her not to see a friend, because once I start out doing that kind of thing, I become a controlling *******, and a sliver of resentment might grow and one day cause an even larger problem. I wanted her to say she didn't need to see him, but it didn't happen. Remember, her actions have consequences, too...now YOU feel the sliver of resentment that might grow and one day cause an even larger problem. That's how it works. Her choices are hers to make, but that doesn't mean they don't have an effect on you and "us". Take note. See how often she makes choices that cause your resentment to grow, or ease.
rafallus Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 (edited) my best friend believes that this is a black and white matter, and that she and him know that she and I are involved, so they're just friends. I should accept that they're just friends, and that if the relationship ended, they might have sex just like she could easily go have sex with any new guy. Seeing it black and white like this makes me think my feelings are somewhat irrational. He's ignoring distinct possibility that she doesn't need to wait for relationship to end to sleep with him. If she felt frustrated by you, and in contrast he shows her some no-pressure good time, odds are high she'll sleep with him. Or at least kiss him. Sorry. Don't want to scaremonger, but it is what it is. Hell, if all you are in her eyes is just an obstacle to make sex with her FB guilt free, what's the point of relationship anyway? She's out drinking right now with a former lover, while her new boyfriend sits at home writing on an internet messageboard. There's something wrong with that. Friggin' spot on. Edited September 22, 2011 by rafallus
Author hikaru Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 So, we had a long talk last night. She basically said they hadn't been together intimately in quite a long time, over 6 months. She basically explained that sex has been semi-emotionless for her, and that before she and I, she'd had trouble committing to relationships once some kind of issue reared it's head. She has been incredibly open, even if it seems like I haven't conveyed that, but apparently, that openness is something she's been avoiding with previous relationships, which kept her emotionally separate from them and allowed her to keep doing the casual thing. Anyway, she had asked me if I wanted her to simply not see him, and I wish she and I had had time to talk this through in person before last night, but basically, had I simply said to her "I'd like you to tell Ian you're in a new relationship that you want to work, and given our history, I think we should wait until some time has passed before we spend any time alone together"...I said something like that, more concise at least, last night when she asked me what I wanted her to do. She said ok, she would have not seen him had we talked. At the same time, she explained that this guy was a friend before they made it something more, and they supposedly can both just turn it off when either of them is in a relationship, and it's not even as if it happened very often- quoting her. She's known him over 6 years, and he's been there for her when she needed someone after her 1 or 2 long term relationships ended, so, she sees him as a friend first and foremost, not a lover. I guess the issue is that we share different opinions on sexuality? And on top of that, she's getting over some commitment issues, and doesn't know how to be "a good girlfriend" as she says. Up until this issue though I'd had no worries. And the fact that she was open to what I suggested, and that she seemed to be just as interested in making this work as I am makes me feel like this can work, it's just a new situation for both of us in regards to two very different issues. One annoying thing about last night though, on top of the main issue - she claimed that it'd be most comfortable for Ian and I to meet under different circumstances, as in a group setting, not on his birthday. Then she goes on to tell me his roommate had brought a group out with him, so it was no longer a private thing. She could have invited me, but she still thinks it would be awkward for all of us because he'd be "sizing me up" and I'd do the same, and the fact that it was his birthday night out, so bringing some new guy is strange. They don't have long conversations via text apparently, so all they'd said was lets meet up, and prior to meeting her this time, he didn't even know she was involved with someone. Meh, now that this is out there and open, I feel better about it, just wish she and I had had the time to communicate about it in person.
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