Breezie Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Well, as a female in your lady's position, I can understand both her and your side of the story. I too have a FORMER FWB that I'm still friends with. We keep it in the friends territory. At first, my boyfriend was not thrilled with this, however what I did to alleviate the tension was to introduce the boyfriend and former FWB, and now my boyfriend has no issue w/ me hanging out with my FWB. In reality, I had no idea it was an issue w/ my boyfriend that I hung out with him, so when he told me, I went out of my way to make it comfortable for him.
collegeguy_24 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 So, let me start off by saying my new girlfriend(2-3 months) and I are incredibly communicative, and we've actually talked about this. I've experessed my feelings on the matter, but in the end, that's all I can do, I can't tell her not to do something, I just don't think it's my place, nor is it proper. So, she's had what I'm assuming is many more sexual partners than I, mostly in very short relationships, some outside of relationships. This doesn't really bother me, of course everyone has their own experiences, and it's helped them become who they are now, and I really like who she is now. With me, she says I meet all the tick boxes, and she's opening up more than ever because she wants this to work, and doesn't want to repeat the past(which from what I understand was just casual dating that all ended in short failed relationships). I'm happy about all of this. I love being with her, it feels good just to be around her. My issue is someone she saw outside of relationships, a gray area sexual partner..she likes to use the term f**k buddy to describe it. I'm a bit appalled by the term alone. So, anyway, she had this friend(who from the description sounds like a douche) and one day she and the friend said "hey, we're not seeing anyone, and we have needs, so why not", and they have sex. They do this off and on for I don't know how long. Now, unlike a typical relationship, where things end and even though there might be sexual chemistry, the doors close, with this guy, the doors are always wide open. It makes me uncomfortable. What's more, she's going out for drinks with him(and I assume others will be there) for his birthday this Thursday. This makes me more uncomfortable. So, I'm not asking what should I do, because I've expressed all of my feelings to her, I'm simply wondering if this is how you'd feel? Would you be ok with a significant other spending time with someone they had a sexually casual relationship with that never came to a close? The bold is exactly what my ex did to me. For the vast majority of her relationships, she was someone elses F*** buddy, and only had a few actual relationships, I was one of the few. She told me, like your GF told you, that I meet all the boxes she wants in a long term relationship partner. She still hung out with her former FWBs, and her exes, and while I told her I was uncomfortable, she did it anyways and I didn't stop it. She ended up leaving me for one of her exes. Dude, you need to tell her you are uncomfortable with it, but more then that, you need to insist that she respect you enough to not causaly go drinking with a former FWB. If she can't respect you enough now in a 2-3 month relationship, she will never respect you.
tman666 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Well, as a female in your lady's position, I can understand both her and your side of the story. I too have a FORMER FWB that I'm still friends with. We keep it in the friends territory. At first, my boyfriend was not thrilled with this, however what I did to alleviate the tension was to introduce the boyfriend and former FWB, and now my boyfriend has no issue w/ me hanging out with my FWB. In reality, I had no idea it was an issue w/ my boyfriend that I hung out with him, so when he told me, I went out of my way to make it comfortable for him. OP, while I still wouldn't put up with her behavior personally, I think the above post could point the way out of this. Your GF needs to make sure you're ok with this guy, not the other way around. She, in my opinion, should be doing everything possible to smooth the waters and make sure you understand that this guy isn't on her radar. If she did the above, then it would feel a lot more like she was showing you off to all former or other potential suitors instead of trying to keep you in the background. That being said, I think her skirting around the issue and making you ask her to come along is crappy. Keep your eyes wide open, man.
Author hikaru Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 OP, while I still wouldn't put up with her behavior personally, I think the above post could point the way out of this. Your GF needs to make sure you're ok with this guy, not the other way around. She, in my opinion, should be doing everything possible to smooth the waters and make sure you understand that this guy isn't on her radar. If she did the above, then it would feel a lot more like she was showing you off to all former or other potential suitors instead of trying to keep you in the background. That being said, I think her skirting around the issue and making you ask her to come along is crappy. Keep your eyes wide open, man. Thanks for all the suggestions and advice, I'm going to ask her about it tonight...hope it doesn't become an issue.
JohnP82 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Dude I don't think I would be comfortable with that. I think it's a lot like exs. A lot of people aren't comfortable with their boyfriend or girlfriend being friends or hanging out much with them. Also why would I want some guy hanging around that could be hoping for our relationship to fail so that he could start hooking up with her again. Maybe he isn't hoping, but I think it would be weird constantly seeing or hearing about some dude knowing that if, or as soon as, things don't work out with my gf he's going to start having sex with her.
Author hikaru Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 so, she's basically asserting nothing is going to happen, that a drink on his brithday is something they've done for the past few years, and that it's going to be a public place and an early night...at this point I'm still not invited because it's a birthday thing, and she doesn't think I'd get along with the guy. I'm pretty sure I won't like the guy from her description, so it'd probably be a crappy night for everyone if I did go, but she just doesn't understand my perspective. She says she's torn between maintaining a friendship and me. She was friends before she was fwb's, but in my eyes, once they crossed that line, they became more than friends, and since there's no breakup and they never discussed an ending, it's technically ongoing. She doesn't share this opinion.
rafallus Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 She says she's torn between maintaining a friendship and me. Which is position she put herself in, not allowing you to go. Sounds fishy. People who have something to hide, look for excuses all the time. It sounds like an excuse on her part. Sure, she shouldn't drag you out from whatever you planned to do anyway, but at least be open to idea of a guy you don't know, meeting you ever. Who knows, maybe he turns out to be cool? But if someone assumes a priori, that no, I would never get along with him, without me even getting to know the guy, warning lamps in my head would light up.
Author hikaru Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Which is position she put herself in, not allowing you to go. Sounds fishy. People who have something to hide, look for excuses all the time. It sounds like an excuse on her part. Sure, she shouldn't drag you out from whatever you planned to do anyway, but at least be open to idea of a guy you don't know, meeting you ever. Who knows, maybe he turns out to be cool? But if someone assumes a priori, that no, I would never get along with him, without me even getting to know the guy, warning lamps in my head would light up. I think I'm already predisposed to dislike him because of all of this, but, yea, it is unfair for her to make that judgement without allowing us to actually meet. She's not allowing me to go, but I mean, consider the situation. She and a friend getting a drink to say happy birthday, and I tag along...I mean, in the case of a male-male friendship, if my best friend took me out for a drink on my birthday, I wouldn't expect him to drag along his new GF.
laotzu Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 She's not allowing me to go, but I mean, consider the situation. She and a friend getting a drink to say happy birthday, and I tag along...I mean, in the case of a male-male friendship, if my best friend took me out for a drink on my birthday, I wouldn't expect him to drag along his new GF. You're not comparing apples to apples. You wouldn't expect a buddy to drag along a new girlfriend for a drink on your birthday; what about if a girl you had an on again, off again sexual relationship with met you out on your birthday with a new boyfriend. For me, I'd "get it", as it were, and understand why she brought him out. I'll stop responding now, but bottom line: she acted sneakily by not initially telling you who she was meeting and why she wished to go without you, as opposed to being adult about it. Opaque vs. transparent. I'd probably make sure boundaries were set initially, so she understands how I'll feel in the future. You want to hang out with someone who you once had a casual sexual relationship with? Well, I want to be there. Girls will often say that a guy is douchy or unattractive to allay their new partner's fears - but clearly she was attracted enough to him to have sex with him multiple times over a long period.
Author hikaru Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 You're not comparing apples to apples. You wouldn't expect a buddy to drag along a new girlfriend for a drink on your birthday; what about if a girl you had an on again, off again sexual relationship with met you out on your birthday with a new boyfriend. For me, I'd "get it", as it were, and understand why she brought him out. I just don't know how to get her think this way.
norajane Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 so, she's basically asserting nothing is going to happen, that a drink on his brithday is something they've done for the past few years, and that it's going to be a public place and an early night...at this point I'm still not invited because it's a birthday thing, and she doesn't think I'd get along with the guy. So it's just the two of them going out for his birthday? Not a group of people? Why don't you go and pick her up at this public place after they have their birthday drink? It won't matter if you like this guy or not if all you're doing is meeting him briefly before you take your girlfriend home. Your gf can't possibly object to that. Can she?
norajane Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I just don't know how to get her think this way. It doesn't matter if she thinks that way. The point is she should respect your thoughts and feelings on this subject even if she doesn't agree. Do you feel like she is listening to your thoughts, listening to your perspective, and respecting your concerns?
Author hikaru Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 So it's just the two of them going out for his birthday? Not a group of people? Why don't you go and pick her up at this public place after they have their birthday drink? It won't matter if you like this guy or not if all you're doing is meeting him briefly before you take your girlfriend home. Your gf can't possibly object to that. Can she? I suppose it's worth it to ask, but it probably wont work out now, since she's rescheduling it to tomorrow night to spend Thursday night with me. Tomorrow night I'm busy until 8pm, and she'll drive herself, so it'd be as if I was checking up on her if I came by after. It doesn't matter if she thinks that way. The point is she should respect your thoughts and feelings on this subject even if she doesn't agree. Do you feel like she is listening to your thoughts, listening to your perspective, and respecting your concerns? I feel like she's listening, but not doing much to show me she's respecting them.
serial muse Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) I agree with everything norajane is saying...and I also want to point out that your GF's plan - to keep you two separate - is a non-starter of a plan. Does she really intend that you should never be in the same space? That's just not workable, if she intends to remain friends with him, which it seems she does, and she also hopes to keep dating you. At some point, she'll need to get it together and figure this out, and there's no time like the present. The wise thing for her to do would be to introduce you at the earliest opportunity, and thus start to normalize the situation. Sounds like, instead of taking that possibly awkward route now, she would rather avoid or indefinitely postpone the discomfort of it all. It may well be that she's being above-board, and that this is just avoidance, and not some more nefarious plan to keep this guy on the backburner. Hard to say. But let me tell you...a partner prone to avoidance of emotional awkwardness still creates its own set of problems in a relationship. She needs to woman up and get this overwith. Edited September 20, 2011 by serial muse
DepressedinDenver Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 She does not sound like a winner. You should not aim for a long term relationship with this one.
norajane Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I suppose it's worth it to ask, but it probably wont work out now, since she's rescheduling it to tomorrow night to spend Thursday night with me. Tomorrow night I'm busy until 8pm, and she'll drive herself, so it'd be as if I was checking up on her if I came by after. Oh, it's worth it to suggest that you pick her up. Yes it is. Her reaction will tell you just about everything you need to know. If she gets angry or upset or tries really hard to talk you out of it, IT IS A PROBLEM. It's up to you what you do with that knowledge.
Author hikaru Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) Oh, it's worth it to suggest that you pick her up. Yes it is. Her reaction will tell you just about everything you need to know. If she gets angry or upset or tries really hard to talk you out of it, IT IS A PROBLEM. It's up to you what you do with that knowledge. Well, I just want to know that she'd do whatever she could to alleviate my concerns. I'm inclined to agree with this- It may well be that she's being above-board, and that this is just avoidance, and not some more nefarious plan to keep this guy on the backburner. But I just don't think she knows how to deal with my side of it. If it really is a small issue to her, and I blow it up, I don't want this all backfiring in my face. I really do like her, and up until this point everything has been healthy, and awesome. She's understanding too, so I'm hoping the fact that this is still unresolved will let her know it's an issue for me. Maybe she'll talk to her girlfriend about it today and get some of the same level headed advice you've all been giving. I have to say, I'm incredibly happy to see the female perspective on this, and that it agrees with my emotional reaction...my male friend has the opposite opinion, that I should just be ok with it and be mature and trust her, rather than come off as controlling and possessive. Edited September 20, 2011 by hikaru
OliveOyl Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Is it just her and the former f*ck-buddy having drinks alone, or her joining a group of his other friends having drinks?
Author hikaru Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Is it just her and the former f*ck-buddy having drinks alone, or her joining a group of his other friends having drinks? Given that she might be able to reschedule last minute, I'm fairly certain it's just the two of them.
Casablanca Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Is it just her and the former f*ck-buddy having drinks alone, or her joining a group of his other friends having drinks? Even if it was a group I wouldnt be comfortable.... Im also curios why she ever talked about any FBs....it is one of those thigns I really dont ever want to know about...hell I dont ever want to know how many partners my SO has been with...just need to know if she's always used protection and if not, STD tested since last unprotected encounter
laotzu Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Given that she might be able to reschedule last minute, I'm fairly certain it's just the two of them. She just wants to cake-eat, really. I mean, as you mentioned, they had sex with one another in-between relationships. Well, she's in a relationship right now, but she's maintaining contact with him on a personal level "just in case". A very personal level, actually: she's willing meet him out for drinks for his birthday, alone, regardless of the consequences it has on her current relationship.
Author hikaru Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 (edited) so, she's out with him, or I assume. I brought up what we were doing tonight and she said she was "catching up with Ian and then coming to my place" so I started talking about how we never finished the conversation about him, I'd tell her how I was uncomfortable for multiple reasons- the name omission, non invite, the fact that she first introduced him in the present tense as a "f*ck buddy" and now she's trying to alleviate my worries by saying "he's just a friend"...or she'll say "but I'm with YOU" or "I'm coming home to YOU"...so, she got frustrated of me trying to show her my perspective, but then I finally said I don't feel like I've been heard, or am being heard, and that the issue keeps getting pushed aside. I refuse to tell her not to see a friend, because once I start out doing that kind of thing, I become a controlling *******, and a sliver of resentment might grow and one day cause an even larger problem. I wanted her to say she didn't need to see him, but it didn't happen. She told me it'd be ok for me to meet him, but in a more casual setting, a "group" setting. Anyway, it's unfortunate that I haven't seen her since Sunday due to work and emergencies with family, so a lot of this was through texting, which really sucks. She said sorry, I said so am I, and I haven't heard from her for a few hours. I just assume I'm not going to be seeing her tonight. my best friend believes that this is a black and white matter, and that she and him know that she and I are involved, so they're just friends. I should accept that they're just friends, and that if the relationship ended, they might have sex just like she could easily go have sex with any new guy. Seeing it black and white like this makes me think my feelings are somewhat irrational. Edited September 22, 2011 by hikaru
Casablanca Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Really awful situation for you....I dont know how I'd handle it, I'd be worried...while I'm not suggesting it, Id be tempted to go through her texts or something like that to see what was talked about...sure it is snooping...but I feel like it could be justified here...this wouldnt be being the jealous untrusting type...shes meeting a **** buddy one on one without you
Author hikaru Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 Really awful situation for you....I dont know how I'd handle it, I'd be worried...while I'm not suggesting it, Id be tempted to go through her texts or something like that to see what was talked about...sure it is snooping...but I feel like it could be justified here...this wouldnt be being the jealous untrusting type...shes meeting a **** buddy one on one without you You're suggesting I go through her phone?
Casablanca Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 You're suggesting I go through her phone? Part of me says yes, another part of me says no....I see both sides of the argument here...one could say you have probable cause
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