hikaru Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 So, let me start off by saying my new girlfriend(2-3 months) and I are incredibly communicative, and we've actually talked about this. I've experessed my feelings on the matter, but in the end, that's all I can do, I can't tell her not to do something, I just don't think it's my place, nor is it proper. So, she's had what I'm assuming is many more sexual partners than I, mostly in very short relationships, some outside of relationships. This doesn't really bother me, of course everyone has their own experiences, and it's helped them become who they are now, and I really like who she is now. With me, she says I meet all the tick boxes, and she's opening up more than ever because she wants this to work, and doesn't want to repeat the past(which from what I understand was just casual dating that all ended in short failed relationships). I'm happy about all of this. I love being with her, it feels good just to be around her. My issue is someone she saw outside of relationships, a gray area sexual partner..she likes to use the term f**k buddy to describe it. I'm a bit appalled by the term alone. So, anyway, she had this friend(who from the description sounds like a douche) and one day she and the friend said "hey, we're not seeing anyone, and we have needs, so why not", and they have sex. They do this off and on for I don't know how long. Now, unlike a typical relationship, where things end and even though there might be sexual chemistry, the doors close, with this guy, the doors are always wide open. It makes me uncomfortable. What's more, she's going out for drinks with him(and I assume others will be there) for his birthday this Thursday. This makes me more uncomfortable. So, I'm not asking what should I do, because I've expressed all of my feelings to her, I'm simply wondering if this is how you'd feel? Would you be ok with a significant other spending time with someone they had a sexually casual relationship with that never came to a close?
Pasttense Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 The term people here use is FWB (friend with benefits). So you don't trust that she is no longer having sex with him?
Author hikaru Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 The term people here use is FWB (friend with benefits). So you don't trust that she is no longer having sex with him? The term FWB isn't one she uses, she's actually said "f*ck" buddy, so that's what I used. As for trust, I trust her, but I still get an uncomfortable feeling knowing she's going to be spending time with someone she would so easily and loosely use that phrase to describe. As I said, it's a gray area relationship that I don't understand, no matter how much she tries to explain it. I honestly don't know why/how people get into those situations. She doesn't seem to understand my unease with the issue, so I'm asking if my discomfort is something anyone else would see as appropriate.
serial muse Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Are you invited to go along for the birthday drinks? Personally, I don't think I'd be really cool with it either, but a first step might be to see them together, see how she is with you in front of him, etc. Sometimes that's enough to alleviate your concerns. If you're not invited, I'd say that's a red flag. If you're officially BF/GF now, you ought to be invited to stuff like that.
make me believe Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I would totally not be ok with that. Why aren't you going with on Thursday?
Author hikaru Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Are you invited to go along for the birthday drinks? Personally, I don't think I'd be really cool with it either, but a first step might be to see them together, see how she is with you in front of him, etc. Sometimes that's enough to alleviate your concerns. If you're not invited, I'd say that's a red flag. If you're officially BF/GF now, you ought to be invited to stuff like that. I didn't ask if I was allowed to come along, but no, I wasn't invited. I didn't learn that it was this guy until after she told me she was going out, but when she let me know she was going, she simply said "I'm going out for drinks for a friends birthday, you have racquetball, right?"
serial muse Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I didn't ask if I was allowed to come along, but no, I wasn't invited. I didn't learn that it was this guy until after she told me she was going out, but when she let me know she was going, she simply said "I'm going out for drinks for a friends birthday, you have racquetball, right?" Yeah, I wouldn't really be cool with that. Since you've already discussed him and she knows your concerns, I would hope she'd be sensitive enough to invite you along to alleviate those concerns. Would you feel comfortable telling her that you'd like to go too, to "normalize" the situation for yourself?
tman666 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Personally, I think that early on in a relationship, it's important for those types of guys to not be in the picture, at all. You're still learning to trust each other. It's great that she's open with you, but I would personally need her to take it a step further and commit to avoiding former sexual partners. If some old boyfriend is in town and she wants to catch up with him and invite you along, that's one thing. I would not put up with being excluded, period. I dunno. To each their own. Some people might think that it's "controlling" or "uncool" to voice concerns about the company she keeps. However, I would personally have a problem with her still hanging out with a former partner, and I would explain to her your feelings on the subject. You'll be able to tell by her reaction what type of girl she is and if she's right for you.
tman666 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I didn't ask if I was allowed to come along, but no, I wasn't invited. I didn't learn that it was this guy until after she told me she was going out, but when she let me know she was going, she simply said "I'm going out for drinks for a friends birthday, you have racquetball, right?" Uhhh, that's pretty much lying to you by omission. If she's going to show you that she can be trusted, she's not off to a good start...
grkBoy Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I dunno. I'm of the mind people who get into FB or FWB things should keep it as a hookup and not "good friends". I wonder how she would feel if you were in friendships with exes or women you slept with. I personally would put the trust to the test here. Let her go out and such. Better she betrays you and then you 100% know who she is, than to sit there in speculation going nuts. Who knows? She could be 100% faithful and even the FWB will try to lure her into a hookup with "he'll never find out", but she'll say "no" and even tell him to go to hell if he persists.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Hikaru, anyone would be uncomfortable in this situation, so youre not alone. She could be hanging onto him just in case it doesnt work out with you. She could be3 hanging onto him because she really wanted a relationship with him and he didnt want one with her. So if she is still chasing him (to which shed never admit it) while youre with her, its not a good sign. So I'd forge ahead with this relationship, but dont start catching feelings for her until you know for sure that she doesnt feel the NEED to hang with him anymore. Make sure she shows you that she is all in with you before you go all in with her. Since it isnt attractive to be insecure, you just have to go the "i dont NEED her" route until she acknowledges that she doesnt need him anymore. Just watch her actions carefully, if she deliberately makes plans to go hang with this guy EVERY time you go out by yourself somewhere, it could get more suspicious. Maybe shes doing it to see how much you will chase her, or maybe she wants to see you jealous. Its an awful game if thats the case, and you need to keep your heart to yourself until she proves you wrong.
laotzu Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I didn't ask if I was allowed to come along, but no, I wasn't invited. I didn't learn that it was this guy until after she told me she was going out, but when she let me know she was going, she simply said "I'm going out for drinks for a friends birthday, you have racquetball, right?" That's sketchy. The mature thing to do would have been to tell you who it was, and ask if you wanted to join. Or at least say, straight up, "Hikaru, it's ______'s birthday on Thursday, and I wanted to go. I wanted to let you know since we've talked about it in the past and I know you might be a little uncomfortable with it." I wonder what would have happened if you didn't have racquetball? Personally, I think it's fairly disrespectful to want to go out for drinks with an on again, off again "F-Buddy" when you're in a new, committed relationship, and you're trying to make it work. But particularly so if you're not given the option to go, and she's not even going to say who it is initially.
laotzu Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Who knows? She could be 100% faithful and even the FWB will try to lure her into a hookup with "he'll never find out", but she'll say "no" and even tell him to go to hell if he persists. That's just speculation; I doubt she'd tell him to go to hell, but probably just say "I'm with someone now". To me, what she's doing is still putting herself out there in front of her former FWB, even though he presumably knows she's in a relationship. She's basically saying, "hey, I'm still around". All I'm saying is, if I had a friend who I had previously slept with - and I was in a new relationship - I wouldn't go to that friend's party for drinks. Maybe a year into a new relationship I would, but not two months into it when my new partner might be pretty sensitive, still, and I wanted to make sure there was a good foundation. OP, if you like her but are uncomfortable with this situation, own it. This isn't "not letting her be friends with guys", it's not letting her go out drinking with a guy she's slept with multiple times. Set boundaries at the beginning, and be prepared to breakup with her if she doesn't bring you along. If the precedent is that she gets to do this without you, and you continue dating her, it'll be something you deal with in the future.
Author hikaru Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Thanks for all the replies! I should probably have finished detailing the conversation she and I had regarding the birthday drinks, after she made the assumption that I have a racquetball match on Thurs, I said "actually, I'm free Thursday" to which, there was silence. So, she had an opening to invite me along. Personally, I think that early on in a relationship, it's important for those types of guys to not be in the picture, at all. You're still learning to trust each other. It's great that she's open with you, but I would personally need her to take it a step further and commit to avoiding former sexual partners. If some old boyfriend is in town and she wants to catch up with him and invite you along, that's one thing. I would not put up with being excluded, period. I dunno. To each their own. Some people might think that it's "controlling" or "uncool" to voice concerns about the company she keeps. However, I would personally have a problem with her still hanging out with a former partner, and I would explain to her your feelings on the subject. You'll be able to tell by her reaction what type of girl she is and if she's right for you. I'm not sure she thinks anything of it. I don't want to be blind to the situation, but at the same time, might she just think it a harmless drink with a friend for his birthday? She may just perceive it as supporting the celebration? Uhhh, that's pretty much lying to you by omission. If she's going to show you that she can be trusted, she's not off to a good start... I was a bit thrown off learning who it was when we starting getting into it. Who knows? She could be 100% faithful... She makes it sound like this is going to be the case. She told me that the last time they "hooked up" was before her relationship prior to meeting me, so it's been a while I guess, probably 6-8 months? Hikaru, anyone would be uncomfortable in this situation, so youre not alone. She could be hanging onto him just in case it doesnt work out with you. Thanks for the post. I don't know if this is the case, because like I just mentioned, I don't think she's seen the guy in quite a long time. He does have a lot of money, and inherited a business, so maybe subconsciously she's keeping ties with him just in case? Seems shallow, but I suppose your point of view has merit. I don't want to think this is true for her though. I wonder what would have happened if you didn't have racquetball? Personally, I think it's fairly disrespectful to want to go out for drinks with an on again, off again "F-Buddy" when you're in a new, committed relationship, and you're trying to make it work. But particularly so if you're not given the option to go, and she's not even going to say who it is initially. Like I said, I told her I wasn't even playing, yet she still didn't offer. And yea, I'm feeling all of this, and everyone reaffirming my unease is almost more unsettling. I just don't know if I should bring it up again. OP, if you like her but are uncomfortable with this situation, own it. This isn't "not letting her be friends with guys", it's not letting her go out drinking with a guy she's slept with multiple times. Set boundaries at the beginning, and be prepared to breakup with her if she doesn't bring you along. If the precedent is that she gets to do this without you, and you continue dating her, it'll be something you deal with in the future. See, I've been on edge what's the more mature thing to do. Do I trust her, and let her see "friends", even with their history, and just deal with it and not piss and moan, or do I tell her no and come off as controlling and possessive? The term "F***Buddy" sounds horribly cynical IMO, so I would be a little wary on that basis alone. Perhaps its the new way young women try to look hip or clever, smart or couldn't-care-less about men or whatever. I think she's just that way with sex, it's just sex, it doesn't mean more than sex, which is why they did it in the first place. I think the term is fairly degrading, but she seems fine with it. I think I'm just going to ask her if I could tag along, or why I she hasn't invited me, not sure which. I expect her reply would be along the lines of "I thought you would be busy and wouldn't want to go"...I've already told her how uncomfortable I am with the situation, and I've told her just based on his description, I don't like the guy, so I can't imagine she'd have a good time if I went with.
norajane Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 (edited) That's just speculation; I doubt she'd tell him to go to hell, but probably just say "I'm with someone now". To me, what she's doing is still putting herself out there in front of her former FWB, even though he presumably knows she's in a relationship. She's basically saying, "hey, I'm still around". ... OP, if you like her but are uncomfortable with this situation, own it. This isn't "not letting her be friends with guys", it's not letting her go out drinking with a guy she's slept with multiple times. Set boundaries at the beginning, and be prepared to breakup with her if she doesn't bring you along. If the precedent is that she gets to do this without you, and you continue dating her, it'll be something you deal with in the future. Completely agree. If she tells you that she doesn't understand why this bothers you, 1) you need to consider if she's even ready for a relationship with you (or anyone) in the first place, and 2) tell her you don't understand why she needs to hover around some guy that supposedly means very little to her when it really bothers you. She's choosing to hover around this guy. And she's choosing to cut you out of that relationship (people DO NOT do that with true friends. they only do that when there's something sketchy about it). He's a barrier to true intimacy and commitment between you. By keeping him in her life, she's choosing to keep that barrier in place. If she continues to do that, then you ought to move on. She's obviously not ready for an honest and genuine relationship with you if she hangs on to her former lovers at your expense. Edited September 19, 2011 by norajane
rafallus Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Sounds fishy dude, don't be surprised if she still considers relationship not commited enough to ditch **** buddies and will act on her urges. May or may not happen, but I'm inclined to say it will.
Author hikaru Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Sounds fishy dude, don't be surprised if she still considers relationship not commited enough to ditch **** buddies and will act on her urges. May or may not happen, but I'm inclined to say it will. Well, the way she described it was that they didn't even hook up that much, it was just occasionally in between relationships. She's been pretty honest with me up until this omission, so I'm inclined to believe her.
norajane Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Well, the way she described it was that they didn't even hook up that much, it was just occasionally in between relationships. She's been pretty honest with me up until this omission, so I'm inclined to believe her. If you believe her...then are you left wondering whether she's hanging on to him because she's keeping him in the wings for If or When you two break up?
Author hikaru Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 If you believe her...then are you left wondering whether she's hanging on to him because she's keeping him in the wings for If or When you two break up? It might be that. I'm curious why she needs to go see him if she's said repeatedly "it was just sex, a relationship with him would never work", and on top of that she knows it bothers me. I also am now very curious why she wouldn't invite me given the multiple opportunities to do so since last week when she first told me about the outing.
rafallus Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Most intuitive answer is: she doesn't care about you as much as you'd like to. There are other valid, more optimistic ones, but you be the judge.
norajane Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 It might be that. I'm curious why she needs to go see him if she's said repeatedly "it was just sex, a relationship with him would never work", and on top of that she knows it bothers me. I also am now very curious why she wouldn't invite me given the multiple opportunities to do so since last week when she first told me about the outing. Then you need to talk with her about that, and ask her to give it some serious thought as to why she needs to keep this guy around. As I said, he is clearly a barrier to true intimacy between you. Why does she need that barrier to exist so much that she won't let go of him? What is she afraid of?
Star Gazer Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 The last time I had a "f*ck buddy" or FWB was about 5 years ago, and he and I are still friends and go to lunch and whatnot. No big deal, IMO.
Author hikaru Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Then you need to talk with her about that, and ask her to give it some serious thought as to why she needs to keep this guy around. As I said, he is clearly a barrier to true intimacy between you. Why does she need that barrier to exist so much that she won't let go of him? What is she afraid of? I don't know if it's that she wants to keep him around for sex, she seems to still want him in her life as a friend, like I've wanted one or two of my ex's to remain good friends.
norajane Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I don't know if it's that she wants to keep him around for sex, she seems to still want him in her life as a friend, like I've wanted one or two of my ex's to remain good friends. Then why do you have an issue with it? Something is bothering you about this.
Author hikaru Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Then why do you have an issue with it? Something is bothering you about this. Because of the reasons people stated on the previous page? And because of what I just said. Why wouldn't she invite me?
Recommended Posts