SugarLily Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 So for those of you who are not familiar with my story - I've been on/off with this guy for 2 and a half years. (We're 21 now). Everytime in the past we have broken up - it has been initiated by me. Through frustration really - I know he treated me badly most of the time. He was cold, distant, disinterested, dismissive, insensitive, and very inconsiderate. But he didn't seem to have any self-reflection - so he has never acknowledged this behaviour. A few days back (after a while of not fighting at all - I thought we were very happy) he dumps me. He tells me he 'wants to be single' and 'do his own thing'. This devastated me - it was such a shock. I find it really hard (impossible) to 'give up' on things - I have so much hope and faith - but this also makes it insanely difficult to move forwards at times. I sincerely promise that I was the best girlfriend I could be to him. I invested everything in our relationship, into him. He was amazing at the start (first 6 months) - but he changed - and since then has actually been an assh%le and treated me like sh%t. Despite this - I have remained loyal to him and have fought for us (maybe wrongly) until the end. His breaking up with me is really hard for me to process. I just can't understand how on day he can tell me how much he loves me - that i'm 'the one' - and literally the next tell me that he is 'still in love' with me - but 'wants to be single' and 'do his own thing'. I realise at this point that I need to move forwards constructively - but the only thing that is holding me back is the thought of 'will he regret his decision?' Will he look back in a month, three months, six months, and regret leaving a girl who gave him everything she could? Will he regret treating me the way he did? Is he really 'in love' with me? Will he ever acknowledge what he has lost? Or do you think he is incapable of any remorse? - This is quite possible. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Love to you all x x x
Mack05 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Sugar as you know I posted this on your last thread... A great honeymoon period does not lead to a great relationship. It's what happens after the honeymoon period that counts. Your relationship has been a serious of honeymoon periods and breakups. There is no foundation to this relationship and there never will be. It's time to look in the mirror and accept reality. Use this time to focus on yourself. To become a better person. To learn from mistakes. Be the best sugarlily you can be. Eventually you will attract a man who is right for you. After the honeymoon period you will still want him and everything will just be natural. Wish your ex well (in your head) but now is the time to start grieving and healing I am reading a great book right now -> Why can't you read my mind. The author describes the honeymoon period as "When couples start out in their relationships, the infatuation they experience suspends the reality of daily stresses that wear on longer relationships. No relationship can fullfill idealized, unrealistic and overly positive expectations". That quote above, is why your relationship was so good at the beginning. But that guy you saw at the start, was the guy that was infatuated with you. When the honeymoon period ends, the infatuation dies and NEVER comes back. That guy you saw after the honeymoon period was over, is your real ex. Do you really want a relationship where you are putting your heart and soul into in and getting very little back? You shouldn't be wondering will he regret it. You should be affirming and reaffirming to yourself that he is not and NEVER will be right for you. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference with this guy. It's like pouring the best of yourself into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. Staying together would lead to a life of misery for you both. Working hard everyday to try making something work, that will never work leaves you tired, bored and frustrated. This can and probably will lead to hatred and bitterness Please note the quote above, when you are feeling lonely. If he came back and you stayed with him, he will eventually suck the life out of you. Sugar you are 21, 21!!!!Get out there and enjoy your life. Don't waste anymore time hoping he will be back. It is a pointless waste of time and if you were thinking in anyway clearly you would realise this. There are millions of people in this world who wish they were you. You have everything before you, the world at your feet. Don't waste it! I promise you that you will regret it if you do.
Mack05 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Adding. Sugar the harshest lesson I learned from my last relationship. Words mean NOTHING! It's always nice when someone tells you they love you, it means so much more when their actions reaffirm their words. The "I still Love you/in love with you" after a breakup is a tool dumpers use to keep the dumpee on the end of their little string. So if single life doesn't work out..."Babe I realised I love you, thats why I'm Back". Sadly that translates to, "I didn't like being single", or "I didn't meet anybody else".. Never EVER cling to words your ex says...Best lesson I ever learnt in romance..
Buttercup84 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Sugar as you know I posted this on your last thread... A great honeymoon period does not lead to a great relationship. It's what happens after the honeymoon period that counts. Your relationship has been a serious of honeymoon periods and breakups. There is no foundation to this relationship and there never will be. It's time to look in the mirror and accept reality. Use this time to focus on yourself. To become a better person. To learn from mistakes. Be the best sugarlily you can be. Eventually you will attract a man who is right for you. After the honeymoon period you will still want him and everything will just be natural. Wish your ex well (in your head) but now is the time to start grieving and healing I am reading a great book right now -> Why can't you read my mind. The author describes the honeymoon period as "When couples start out in their relationships, the infatuation they experience suspends the reality of daily stresses that wear on longer relationships. No relationship can fullfill idealized, unrealistic and overly positive expectations". That quote above, is why your relationship was so good at the beginning. But that guy you saw at the start, was the guy that was infatuated with you. When the honeymoon period ends, the infatuation dies and NEVER comes back. That guy you saw after the honeymoon period was over, is your real ex. Do you really want a relationship where you are putting your heart and soul into in and getting very little back? You shouldn't be wondering will he regret it. You should be affirming and reaffirming to yourself that he is not and NEVER will be right for you. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference with this guy. It's like pouring the best of yourself into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. Staying together would lead to a life of misery for you both. Working hard everyday to try making something work, that will never work leaves you tired, bored and frustrated. This can and probably will lead to hatred and bitterness Please note the quote above, when you are feeling lonely. If he came back and you stayed with him, he will eventually suck the life out of you. Sugar you are 21, 21!!!!Get out there and enjoy your life. Don't waste anymore time hoping he will be back. It is a pointless waste of time and if you were thinking in anyway clearly you would realise this. There are millions of people in this world who wish they were you. You have everything before you, the world at your feet. Don't waste it! I promise you that you will regret it if you do. So are you saying that with every relationship the infatuation always dies ? what happens after ? I mean even if it lasts , what is afterwards ?
Author SugarLily Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Mack05 - Thank you so much. I always REALLY appreciate your advice. "If he came back and you stayed with him, he will eventually suck the life out of you" - I know this is true. The reality is that he actually isn't a very nice person. I think i'm just in a strange situation right now. I've just graduated from Uni - and am looking for employment. This means that my days are pretty empty - meaning lots of time to 'reflect' on my relationship. I'm at a crossroads in my life - where do I go now? The only consistent thing in my life was him. When he left - I panicked. I now understand that I should be excited about my future. I'm not hoping he will come back - i'm actually hoping he won't. Obviously, my ego wants some kind of validation that can justify investing everything into this for the past two years. You're so right about words meaning nothing. I always told him that 'Actions speak louder than words'. Thanks to your help i'm starting to realise that he actually made the right decision. He did what I could never do. He ended us. And now, although it's daunting - I need to move forwards with my life. Just wondering - how old are you? And where exactly do you live? Oh, and how is your advice so well informed and . . . right? x
Mack05 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 So are you saying that with every relationship the infatuation always dies ? what happens after ? I mean even if it lasts , what is afterwards ? That is exactly what I am saying Buttercup. When the honeymoon period is over and the infatuation dies, two things happen... 1) You realise your partner isn't the person what you though or believed they were as you get to know the real person. In most cases, people still stay because they want to remember the good times. But those good times can never fully come back (sometimes temporarily). So many people just don't get that ("But he was so nice, why can't he just be like he was before"). The person they feel in love with, is an image of the person. Not the 'real' person themselves. In the honeymoon period we show our partners our best sides. U cannot keep that pretence up for an entire relationship. In most cases after a lot of ups and downs the relationship ends (ala Sugarlily)... 2) The infatuation is replaced by real, true deep feelings aka REAL LOVE. You love the person warts and all. You would literally die for them. You have things you don't have in the honeymoon period. Real trust, total honesty, amazing intimacy and a best friend. You put their needs above your own. You put what happens in the relationship, over your own personal needs. This person (unlike people you meet in the honeymoon period) is really special to you and always will be. I am going to sound a hyprocrite when I say this, but in my opinion people shouldn't tell each other they love each other until the honeymoon phase has well and truly passed and they are still strongly together. Not only that they feel even stronger, then they did in the honeymoon period. Of course life is not that simple and I too have told a girl I loved her, when I was still in the honeymoon period. You do that because you think 'finally I've met him/her, they are totally awesome. Perfect, yes they are actually perfect. Of course no person on the planet can live up to those ridiculously high expectations. When the rose tinted glasses come off, then we see what we truly feel for our partners and what they truly feel for us. Therefore I will always take 'I Love you" or "You are the one" in the honeymoon period with a dash of salt. Let's see what you say to me and far more importantly how you treat me after 2 years.. People focus way to much on the words "I love you". Yeah he treated me like crap. Called me fat, mental, bad in bed and a million other horrible things BUT hey he did say he loved me, plus he was a nice guy a few years back...Come on buttercup. That's not love. Certainly not the love we should be looking for.. I wrote a thread on what I believe a real relationship should be. Have a read. It didn't get much love but I honestly think the thread has a good few points in it -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t284010/
Buttercup84 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 That is exactly what I am saying Buttercup. When the honeymoon period is over and the infatuation dies, two things happen... 1) You realise your partner isn't the person what you though or believed they were as you get to know the real person. In most cases, people still stay because they want to remember the good times. But those good times can never fully come back (sometimes temporarily). So many people just don't get that ("But he was so nice, why can't he just be like he was before"). The person they feel in love with, is an image of the person. Not the 'real' person themselves. In the honeymoon period we show our partners our best sides. U cannot keep that pretence up for an entire relationship. In most cases after a lot of ups and downs the relationship ends (ala Sugarlily)... 2) The infatuation is replaced by real, true deep feelings aka REAL LOVE. You love the person warts and all. You would literally die for them. You have things you don't have in the honeymoon period. Real trust, total honesty, amazing intimacy and a best friend. You put their needs above your own. You put what happens in the relationship, over your own personal needs. This person (unlike people you meet in the honeymoon period) is really special to you and always will be. I am going to sound a hyprocrite when I say this, but in my opinion people shouldn't tell each other they love each other until the honeymoon phase has well and truly passed and they are still strongly together. Not only that they feel even stronger, then they did in the honeymoon period. Of course life is not that simple and I too have told a girl I loved her, when I was still in the honeymoon period. You do that because you think 'finally I've met him/her, they are totally awesome. Perfect, yes they are actually perfect. Of course no person on the planet can live up to those ridiculously high expectations. When the rose tinted glasses come off, then we see what we truly feel for our partners and what they truly feel for us. Therefore I will always take 'I Love you" or "You are the one" in the honeymoon period with a dash of salt. Let's see what you say to me and far more importantly how you treat me after 2 years.. People focus way to much on the words "I love you". Yeah he treated me like crap. Called me fat, mental, bad in bed and a million other horrible things BUT hey he did say he loved me, plus he was a nice guy a few years back...Come on buttercup. That's not love. Certainly not the love we should be looking for.. I wrote a thread on what I believe a real relationship should be. Have a read. It didn't get much love but I honestly think the thread has a good few points in it -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t284010/ Thanks for that I will read. I love your honesty. I think I truely loved my ex , but he didn't feel that way after the honey moon period.He loved the idea of me . You are genius xx
oldguy Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 First of all, after rereading your post... congratulations for being rid of him. As to how could he? If I was a thief I would place a bet that he found someone else, so sorry. But again, congratulations. Now find a guy who treats you as well as you treated him & you are much better off.
Author SugarLily Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 oldguy - I appreciate your reply, but I don't think he found someone else. I think he's a selfish person - and he wants to be entirely selfish and do as he wants for as long as he can. He isn't ready to commit to a relationship - or another person. I would know.
Mack05 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Just wondering - how old are you? And where exactly do you live? Oh, and how is your advice so well informed and . . . right? x Sugarlily, I am 36 and I am living in Dublin, Ireland (I lived in Sydney for a year in 2000, it rocks!). I will be leaving Ireland in November and moving to the States to make a long distance relationship, no longer long, just distant (Joke) I appreciate the compliment. I hope my advice helps, although I wouldn't say it's always right. Like everyone on these forums I have suffered Sugar. I have made the exact same mistakes, so I post here to try help people not make the same silly mistakes I made..The problem though with heartbreak, is that you do not think clearly. When you receive advice you get defensive. Hey this person hasn't walked in my shoes and this person didn't see how good me and my ex were. The person suffering the heartbreak thinks their relationship was special/different and that they will be the one's who don't conform to the rulebook. The harsh reality is, that most advise on this site can be used for most people. You see all relationships are special to all dumpee's (especially). It's so hard to leave go, especially when you do not want too. Rejection of who we are from someone we love, is proabably one of the most gut wrenching experiences anyone of us can go through. It's so hard to accept the harsh reality of the situation so we go into denial, like you are right now. You know deep down he is not right for you, yet a part of you wants him to come back. You naively think, if he comes back I can change or he can change and then I will feel safe again. Those are the wrong reasons to get back together, Insecurity. It is a scary prospect now facing the world after college. You would feel safer if he was by your side. Afterall, havent you been always there for him. Facing this challenge on your own, will make you a stronger person in the long run Sugar. Breakups suck and while the advise on this forum helps us, it still doesn't cure a broken heart. Grieving and healing in the right way does that..
Author SugarLily Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 You're moving to the states? Wow! I've always wanted to go to America! I've been looking for internships etc. out there - but financially, it's just not plausible right now. Your advice does really help. It's nice to read logic. I appreciate that it's only been a few days - I have a long way to go yet. And you're right - i'm not thinking clearly at all right now. I always said I was never going to marry him. I knew in my heart that I couldn't. I just didn't think it would end this early, this way. But it's for the best. I love who he was, but not who he is. I am terrified about literally 'sorting my life out' on my own - but I was single for 18 years beforehand - so i'm sure I can do it again. 'Safer' is entirely the right word. I think in many respects we 'depended' on each other - he depended on me for a long time. But when I needed his support - he was gone. Because he didn't 'need' that security blanket anymore. He was ready to go off and explore the world alone. Leaving me wondering what to do. I know that a relationship can never prosper under those conditions or in those circumstances. I don't think we were together for the right reasons. In retrospect - I don't actually believe that he ever loved me. But I don't mind - I am learning to wish him the best. Even if he doesn't necessarily deserve it. x
gbadboy Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Would you prefer your current situation or.......... Would you prefer you were the one who treated him really bad, took him for granted whereas he would do all the sweet things - only to now be broken up. Would you be more upset at this scenario or your current situation? It's intresting that a lot of the people hurting on this board is because their ex utlimately did them wrong whereas they did good for their ex. But what if YOU'RE the one that did them most if not all of the wrong whereas they did the good to you? And now its you that have regret. Could you live with that easier?
Author SugarLily Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 gbadboy - I would honestly hate myself if I had treated him the way the he has treated me. I couldn't live with that. But it's difficult to imagine - I could never behave the way he has. I'm just not that person. If I love someone - I invest my all. I trust them and love them unconditionally. I probably get hurt a lot easier that way - but that's what finding love is all about - taking a risk. You give someone your heart - and you hope they won't break it.
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