VelvetandSteel Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Hi, I am glad I found this forum as I can't discuss this with my friends since they may either say "I told you so" or I'd have to face up that in fact... They told me so. My husband of 15 years/two kids left me two years ago. Once I pulled myself out of that dark, dizzy hole and started dating I realized that men my own age were too bitter or baggaged and I casually dated very young men (18-22). I met one who insisted on a monogamous relationship and we've been together since 2/2010, living together since 10/2010 and are marrying next month. He is half my age but very responsible and cares for my kids, is dependable and sweet and makes me feel youthful. Now for the big issue. A day or two after he moved in, he went to his parents and left his email logged in and I snooped and found a video of him masturbating sent in an email. I emailed the receipent as it had only been sent a few days earlier and the person said they met him on a dating site and it was nothing to worry about if I was serious about him. I confronted my bf and to this day he insists it was an exgirlfriend trying to blackmail him with an old video, which wasn't true. The email recepeint was a transexual male, which explains how badly my bf wanted to change the story. He has never owned up to it not being an old gf video. I told him that had I found that prior to his already living there, I'd have ended the relationship. In late June, I noticed he started job hunting for small bits of time and hid his iphone from me. I snooped through his phone and found he'd posted ads on craigslist that he was looking to "bottom" for other men, even gave exact meetup times of when I was at work and offered to host. I confronted him and he originally said he just replied to ads, then he said he posted and texted but never met any men. I was not convinced as his giving the exact times/neighborhood seemed to mean he was serious. He deleted all texts so there was no way of knowing what really happened, though he made a few brief calls on days when I was working so I am still thinking he DID engage in sexual events. I told him that I felt betrayed and wanted him to leave now if that was the lifestyle he wanted. He insisted it was curiousity and that he'd have left already if he didn't want this life with me. I decided to forgive him as being so young and impulsive and he truly seemed to understand how hurt I was. Today for some reason I checked craigslist, which I hadn't since I caught him, and saw very similar ads to the ones he posted before, all dated a month ago and during the hours I worked and probably when he was getting off his shift as well. The wording was the same, same text talk style spelling and his typical misspellings and his height/weight (very tall and skinny) and wanting the same sexual deeds as the ads from before. I confronted him, asking if this was him posting again and first he said it made him "angry" that I'd suspect that, since we alrwady went through this and there was no way to prove it wasn't him. He admitted the ads were incredibly similar but insisted not his. Since I didn't have a way to prove it was him, I let him know that I was still hurt and betrayed and I didn't know how to control my suspicion. I know it is unfair to both of us, to be always under suspicion and for me to feel like he is one step away from cheating. Can I heal from his betrayal if it was only his being "bi-curious"? Is he most likely telling the truth that he didn't meet men or post other ads? How can I learn to control my hurt? I want us to be able to trust each other and feel safe. I know no relationship is without its problems. Am I just pretending that there isn't a huge, unresolvable issue here? Any advice is appreciated.
tyra231 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I think that you may need to hire an investigator if you have feelings for this man but chances are he's gay or bi. If you two are still intimate then maybe bi but I wouldn't take anything to chance. I'd trust my guts on this one. I'd get myself and my kids tested for any STD.
bunny05 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I told him that I felt betrayed and wanted him to leave now if that was the lifestyle he wanted. He insisted it was curiousity and that he'd have left already if he didn't want this life with me. I decided to forgive him as being so young and impulsive If he's having sex with other men, it's not just curiosity, it's betrayal, cheating, adultery. Would you forgive him for being "young and impulsive" if he was having sex with other women? If he's curious, he should break up with you and then have sex with whomever he wants. From what I read, I clearly see a case of cheating, not curiosity.
Steen719 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Honestly, I am not trying to be judgmental, but GET OUT NOW!!!! This is not what your kids need to be around and this is not typical bi-curiosity. This is a young man who does not know what his sexuality is (or he knows and is acting on it) and this is not what you should need in a marriage or a family situation. I am not saying he is not a good person; I am saying this is not the marrying type for a heterosexual female. GET OUT NOW and don't look back. This is not for you!
Sooner or Later Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Your guy is gay with a TV (transvestite) fetish to help him along the way before he fully comes out. Dump him...no good can come of this. (Addendum: I have full respect for the LGBT community but ZERO respect for those who pull others in to their pseudo-het lives w/o being honest w/their partners)
country_gurl Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I'm not sure what shocks me more; the fact that you let this young guy who's been caught lying many times about something serious (serious in that it could directly impact your health) look after your kids......or the fact that regardless of what you keep finding out, you're still planning to marry him. Don't you think you owe it to your children to bring an honest man into your home/their lives? How do you know his thinness isn't due to being HIV+? Do you really think it makes a whole lot of sense to be marrying someone you've been checking up on like you have?
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 That's quite a tale. What are you wanting help with? If you choose to marry a man who is actively pursuing gay sex and lying about it ... go ahead, though I can't understand why you would. If you would prefer not to enter a marriage with a person who is not only sexually unfaithful to you and dishonest, but is evidently not even heterosexual (which would be an appropriate attribute for a mate for another hetero person, right?) then ... don't get married. You certainly are at a high risk for STDs, so I hope you are using dams and condoms and getting checked regularly, as long as you stay with him.
mzdolphin Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 This post deserves three WTFs, ten OMGs and 15 Ah Hell Nos!!!
country_gurl Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 This post deserves three WTFs, ten OMGs and 15 Ah Hell Nos!!! I'll say. It's really hard to believe that a grown woman and mother would even be in such a situation, and needing to actually ask for advice. Jerry Springer would have a field day in here.
Circular Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Sounds like he wants a lifestyle where he uses you as his cover to look legit to the outside world while he pursues his sexual interests behind the scenes (no pun intended). There's a huge difference between sexual curiosity, which typically happens in the teen years if at all and a formed identity and preference. None of what you've found and posted about sounds like it's curiosity. It sounds like he knows what he likes and wants and is trying hard to find how to get it, putting you at a huge risk.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 My goodness, stop being the fool, and break-off that relationship at once. You are in for more than you can fathom, and you don't have enough good years left in you to be made to endure that!
seren Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 This post deserves three WTFs, ten OMGs and 15 Ah Hell Nos!!! Too true mzdolphin!! I am constantly amazed at some of the posts on here. Poster, he sounds like he is in denial about his sexuality and you may be in for a fall in the long run. I would run for the hills and not look back.
SidLyon Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 ... (Addendum: I have full respect for the LGBT community but ZERO respect for those who pull others in to their pseudo-het lives w/o being honest w/their partners) I am sorry but he is using you as his "cover". I agree with the addendum above.
shayla Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Please stop being this man's beard. If he wants to go that route, more power to him but keep you out of that. And please get tested. Quickly. And again in 3 months. Lesson learned, and believe me I had to learn this one too okay? When you catch them in the FIRST LIE. Tell them to bounce right then. Don't think that they won't do it again, and again. They will. It's in their nature, and they will. There is no more miserable feeling than to have your man say something to you, and even for a split second ask yourself, is he lying??? Or if he is gone, wondering where he is. Or looking at his email, his phone, his anything to find out what he is up to....it's the life that my ex's wife signed on for (and I laugh my ass off every day about that, but another story) and I would not wish that on my worst enemy...except for her of course.
mzdolphin Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 I'll say. It's really hard to believe that a grown woman and mother would even be in such a situation, and needing to actually ask for advice. Jerry Springer would have a field day in here. Country Gurl it's funny you bring up Jerry Springer because I use his show as a way to practice detachment. I always tell friends who ask advice to give it the Jerry Springer test, meaning imagine your situation as the topic on Springer. Then think about how the audience will react to what you're saying. It allows you to get an objective view of what's going on. If you are honest with yourself.
mzdolphin Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Too true mzdolphin!! I am constantly amazed at some of the posts on here. Poster, he sounds like he is in denial about his sexuality and you may be in for a fall in the long run. I would run for the hills and not look back. Yes, we all struggle with denial sometimes. And of course when the heart's on fire, smoke gets in your eyes. But this is more than smoke, it's raging flames. This is a stop dating and seek therapy situation. Even healthy people experience periods of illness. But this is the equivalent of critical emotional, psychological injury. Stop! Get help. Seriously.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 is that she is in her late 30's maybe over 40 with children dating a child (18-22). There is so much wrong with that before we even touch the homosexuality, cheating & CL......
stillafool Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 This guy is obviously on the "down low". It sounds like he is obsessed with men. Maybe he thinks because you are so much older soon you may not want alot of sex and he can be screwed by men full time while using you and your kids as his beard. He is lying to you and you know it. You need to kick him out of the house and go get tested immediately!
Linda9999 Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Get out. Now. DO NOT marry this man. He is cheating on you and lying to you.
country_gurl Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 And please get tested. Quickly. And again in 3 months. Actually, with respect to HIV, it can take a full 6 months from exposure for someone to test positive.
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