molly Posted May 11, 2004 Posted May 11, 2004 basically, my ex of one month called me up last night ostensibly to discuss logistics of getting out of our lease. i had established no-contact prior to this unexpected phone call. started out civil enough but soon got very emotional and angry words were exchanged. he dumped me and has a lot of anger toward me, which came out last night. it sounds as though he has demonized me in his head and has found a way to trace every single one of our problems back to me, while at the same time absolving himself. it got to the point where every sentence out of his mouth during the call began with "What you NEED to do is...". he lectured me on everything from my self-esteem to my exploration of religion (i'm not committed to any one particular faith, am probably more agnostic then anything, he recently decided he's a born again [though he still drinks heavily and condemns others; here i might also add that he's bipolar, though according to his docs, "stable" right now??]). when i would ask him who appointed him as my spiritual advisor and therapist he would blow up. blah blah blah, i could go on and on. but in a nutshell, the whole conversation was very disturbing and confirmed for me that no-contact really is the best way to go, though of course it comes with its own brand of pain. the problem is, after not sleeping much last night, feeling more and more resentful for all the criticisms he spit out at me yesterday and refused to let me rebut, i'm having a SERIOUS urge to write him a long and detailed email where i systematically respond to every one of those criticims. i want to defend myself and get in a few digs at him while i'm at it. honestly, aside from the money concerns, i'm ready to wash my hands clean of this person. i see that he's not worth it. at the same time, i don't want to act out on an impulse that i'll regret later. there's a part of me too that wants to come out the morally superior one. childish, i know. but has anyone else acted on this kind of impulse before, and if so what were the results? i realize that to send a mean email would probably just keep the whole cycle going. but my solution to that is to block his emails again (which he begged me not to do), and to even block his phone calls. that way, i can finally have my say without worrying about some new and meaner response from him! ooooh, i know this sounds so 3rd grade, but i can't help it! anyone?
Pyrannaste Posted May 11, 2004 Posted May 11, 2004 Don't send it. It's a waste of time. He'll not affected by it, people like him will read what you wrote, and think "oh I was so very true, she's an insensitive bitch, this email from her proves I was right all the time. he might even not to read it all. You'll actually make him feel better with himself, not worse.
CurlyIam Posted May 11, 2004 Posted May 11, 2004 Don't send him any email. Actually don't contact him at all. If I am right, he has this very very good opinon of himsef and he will call again to give you another lesson about "the truth of life", or about how smart he is and how little you are. The best move would be to break the vicious circle and not get into contact. If you trully want revenge, than wait for your turn: next time he calls, make it all about himself, about his problems, his issues, his faults and shortcomes. Make up this mean and little list with things about him you despise. At least it will make you feel better. And the next time he calls, gently turn the conversation on him. He won't know what hit him,believe me. In his eyes, you're the victim, he underestimates you. Good things came to those who wait . But still, why did you accept to talk about yourself with someone who's nothing to you? You don't need to explain yourself to no one, and let this be a lesson to you. Your own problems are for yourself and for your friends exclusively! Otherwise you'll get "stuck" with this kind of "friends" who'll feel so much better about themselves after calling you and make you feel bad about yourself.
dudesomewhere Posted May 11, 2004 Posted May 11, 2004 well, this is iffy.... " i'm having a SERIOUS urge to write him a long and detailed email where i systematically respond to every one of those criticims. i want to defend myself and get in a few digs at him while i'm at it. honestly, aside from the money concerns, i'm ready to wash my hands clean of this person. i see that he's not worth it. at the same time, i don't want to act out on an impulse that i'll regret later." There's mean and there's standing up for yourself. You sound like you just want to stand up for yourself. A mean email would be something like, you're stupid and have a small penis. That would be pointless and you shouldn't sink to those lows. If it's an email who's purpose is to rebut, than it's not mean. However, I for one, never understood the point of blocking emails. I would prefer to know the thoughts of whoever dissed me. If anything, have specific addresses sent to specific folders, that way you can read them if you choose or delete if not.
Author molly Posted May 11, 2004 Author Posted May 11, 2004 thanks for all the advice. to those who suggested i not write, the little angel on my left shoulder tells me you're right. it would probably only continue the destructive cycle and come back to bite me later anyway. but then there's that little devil on the other shoulder shouting "Do it! Do it!". dudesomewhere, LOL, you must've picked up on some of the more devious thoughts racing through my brain regarding ex in question's penis size. i won't lie, the thought DID cross my mind, ever so briefly, to get in a few digs along those lines in. but i wouldn't do it! not just cos i'd be afraid of his rebuttal, but cos i think it would be mean. that's what these sites are for i suppose. anyway, thanks again all. still don't know what i'm gonna do but i'll take it all in.
bluechocolate Posted May 11, 2004 Posted May 11, 2004 Don't do it. You've already established that no contact is the right thing to do, sending such an email will be breaking that. It will also be a loud and clear message that he is getting to you, in which case, regardless of what you say in your email, he'll feel that he has the upper hand. And in a way he will. Rise above it. The best thing for you to do is to ignore him entirely. When you have to deal with him over "business" issues, deal with him in a cold and professional manner. If he starts to bring up personal issues tell him calmly that you will hang up & wait until he is ready to behave like an adult & stick to the point at hand. As long as you engage in debate or argument with him you will be giving him an opening to continue to criticise you & diminish your view point. Don't give him that satisfaction.
meanttolive4ever Posted May 11, 2004 Posted May 11, 2004 definately dont do it. Even tho i dont like my ex right now cause he keeps calling under a unknown number....i wouldnt send him a hateful email. Thatll only make it worse.
faux Posted May 11, 2004 Posted May 11, 2004 I would advise against you sending him any emails at all. If you do not have any physical records of him harassing you, then he can hold that nasty email over you and cause a ruckus with the law if he hates you enough. I would just back off, ignore him, and yes block the phone calls and his email. Do not accept communication with him and make it crystal clear that you do not wish to see or speak with him again, in ANY way. It just isn't worth it to launch into nastiness. If he's going to treat you like that, he's done with so just ignore him and tell him to stop. If he doesn't, save evidence of these things and then go to the police if you feel you are threatened.
moimeme Posted May 12, 2004 Posted May 12, 2004 Write it all out - in a text document - and then print it and tear it up. Understand that if he's bipolar, he may not be doing well anyway so sending him a mean email won't help you or him. You feel the urge for vengeance, which is fine, but most people find that doing something vengeful just leaves them feeling bad, mean, and generally not at all pleased with themselves. However do write all you want to purge the feelings. Then, ripping it up can be your symbol of getting rid of him and all the unhappy feelings he causes you.
meanttolive4ever Posted May 12, 2004 Posted May 12, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Write it all out - in a text document - and then print it and tear it up. Understand that if he's bipolar, he may not be doing well anyway so sending him a mean email won't help you or him. You feel the urge for vengeance, which is fine, but most people find that doing something vengeful just leaves them feeling bad, mean, and generally not at all pleased with themselves. However do write all you want to purge the feelings. Then, ripping it up can be your symbol of getting rid of him and all the unhappy feelings he causes you. well i wrote my ex a love letter actually stating that if there was a slightest chance of getting back together that a lot of things would change..mostly on my part cause it was partially my fault that we broke up. I sent it to him and he called me that afternoon wanting to talk to me. But we've kept in contact..and i was thinking of sending him another letter
meanttolive4ever Posted May 12, 2004 Posted May 12, 2004 so do you all think i should send another one?
bluechocolate Posted May 12, 2004 Posted May 12, 2004 Originally posted by meanttolive4ever so do you all think i should send another one? you should start a new thread if you want to raise a subject on an issue specific to yourself, otherwise you're hijacking someone elses post & you may not get any replies, also threads tend to get confusing this way, for the original poster & those replying - in my opinion anyway ............
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