How do you meet women in college?

[AHardDaysNight]

I've heard it all before: community groups, volunteer groups, clubs, organizations, parties, etc.

 

What happens if you're a shy loner who has trouble making friends, much less getting a girlfriend?

 

Can someone shed some light on how a shy guy gets a girl interested in him? Especially when he's average/not so good looking?

[Casablanca]

Classes is where I met the most, it's pretty easy to come up with a reason to talk to a girl about the class you both are in....the things you said are all great places too...

 

What sort of things are you passionate about? Volunteering is always great...finding out about study groups too

 

The biggest key is to not be using these JUST to meet women, go and participate and have yourself...it will be obvious if the only reason you are in a group or anything like that is to find a girlfriend....the great thing about meeting people this ways is you build rapport and get to know them, making it easier to talk to them...they might even ask you out if they're interested...

 

It takes time, dont force it...the first step is the hardest

[Feelin Frisky]

It helps to have some sense of identity and confidence. If you dress and act like a dweeby barely post-pubescent and are also afraid of your own shadow, don't hold your breath until you connect with someone or you'll be long dead. On the other hand, don't put on a big front that isn't you to make yourself look like the most swinging dick in school. So, the important things are to try to differentiate yourself in positive ways from other guys and extend yourself where possible so that someone will actually notice you and maybe want to talk to you as well. That's called "marketing" yourself--whereas chasing women around trying to convince them of your worth is "sales", You don't want to "sell"--at least not for a long while. Just "market". Keep yourself neat, bright, considerate, not a nuisance jackass.

 

Now, once you've started to distinguish or differentiate yourself by your manner and apparent self-assuredness, say hello or good morning or w/e to every one who seems socially OK with you. Pitch your name but remember not to start "selling". Then you'll start to get the lay of the social land and feel what might be there. Do be shy about asking for introductions when you get friendly with someone. And if you like someone from a distance but can't get near and don't want to come on like a dope setting himself up to be drop-kicked, it is perfectly fine to try to get someone else to be cupid for you and have a go between express your interest. Of course, things may happen that could sweep you up into connection with a lot of females, Try to not be like a kid in a candy store with a $100 gift card. Don't engage girls you're bound to get rid of because that will gt around fast that you suck. So, good luck. I'm sure you'll hear a dozen people now tell you to ignore what i said and just ask anyone out who strikes your fancy. I think if you were that comfortable with doing that, you wouldn't be asking for advice.

[todd]

I've heard it all before: community groups, volunteer groups, clubs, organizations, parties, etc.

 

What happens if you're a shy loner who has trouble making friends, much less getting a girlfriend?

 

Can someone shed some light on how a shy guy gets a girl interested in him? Especially when he's average/not so good looking?

 

I know you have heard it all before but have you actually tackled your fears and took the advice of others? Do you expect friends to just fall into your lap for no apparent reason? You apparently have been told how to open yourself up to others through activities and clubs yet it sounds like you blow it off. The only way you are going to make friends, much less get a girlfriend is overcoming your fears and getting out of your own little world. That is if you actually want to stop being a loner. Some people, no matter how much they talk about wanting to meet people, deep down inside like being alone. Its a lot easier lifestyle then taking the plunge and putting yourself out there.

 

One of my friends of over ten years is a loner. He goes to class and plays WoW. That is it. He has never had a girlfriend, never been kissed, never went on a single date I think, and he is 26 yrs old. He isn't active in club sports, activities, volunteering, or anything. He is watching life pass him by because he is scared of what might happen if he puts himself out there. But look at whats happening to him doing nothing. Just like any other road block in life you have two options; you can do nothing and complain about your situation or you can stop talking about being shy and change it. How do you stop being shy, by being outgoing and proactive. Get involved in stuff you are passionate about, get involved in stuff you find interesting, meet your neighbors, meet your classmates, etc. YES, it will be hard because you are naturally shy but this is the challenge you have to face. Get involved and get to know people. Build up a rapport and stay with these activities until you naturally grow those acquaintances into friends. After a couple times of hanging out, start seeing if they want to go grad a couple beers after the meeting, or if they feel up for coming over to watch the football game on sunday, etc. Be proactive with your life. Nobody else can do it for you. You have to just bite down, decide you truly want to change, and then overcome your fears. You will see that most people out there are just as average and friendly as you want to be.

[coolheadal]

In my business marketing class back there there was the cuties smart girl (also rich girl) Then the others in the class. I had started a group and had all the girls join it only. Like a study group. To best way for them to get to know you better. It's very easy to start one though. Just ask them to join. Like for the next big test. These way 1 you can pass this test and second find out who's going with who or who single and available for you. Some girls will really dig your vibe mean they'll like you so much you won't have trouble again asking them out to grab a pizza or ice cream Sundas.

[AHardDaysNight]

I dress fine. Maybe a little artistically, mixed with rockstar, but I am fashionable.

 

I usually get compliments on my clothes and my "style" from girls. Maybe that's why they all think I'm gay!

 

I am a metrosexual, but that's cool I guess. Everyone is, nowadays.

 

I guess I just need to get over my shyness. I am not "desperate" for women, really, other than I'm desperate to make friends and form connections, and it's coming across in my face I guess.

[Calutaxi484]

Uhm not trying to sound like a dick but if you're shy an antisocial I think you need to change quite a bit before many people are going to be interested. Primarily work on your self esteem. I'm sure most of the women here will tell you being needy/clingy, and insecure are probably the biggest turnoffs you can have to a woman.

 

You listed all negative things about yourself, which is kind of indicitive of low confidence. Go back over your list, but this time list good things about yourself. If you want to change you actually have to put some effort into it, the easiest thing to start doing is thinking positively (about yourself). If you keep thinking negative things you're going to fall into self fulfilling prophecy.

 

Social skills are like any other kind of skills. You CAN work on them. This week just start a random conversation with someone sitting next to you in class. Talk about the professor, the lecture, the drunk the fell out of his chair. Making new friends is easiest with people you have a common interest with. That's probably why people suggested clubs and groups.

[grkBoy]

I've heard it all before: community groups, volunteer groups, clubs, organizations, parties, etc.

 

What happens if you're a shy loner who has trouble making friends, much less getting a girlfriend?

 

Can someone shed some light on how a shy guy gets a girl interested in him? Especially when he's average/not so good looking?

 

Well...I'll be honest. You're screwed.

 

You're an average guy or even ugly guy in a world of men who probably look better than you...AND...you want to be a shy loner.

 

I knew a guy like that. He would repeatedly tell me how he's not a "people person" and would avoid gatherings or social engagements. He had a hard mistrust of people...but he wanted a girlfriend AND a good-looking girlfriend at that.

 

Is it any wonder he's chronically single and most women now run from him?

 

Let's be blunt here. You can't hope to find Ms Right sitting in your home hiding. I tell women this all the time when I see they constantly hide in their cliques of friends and never get out to meet new people.

 

You can stay in your safety zone and work harder to build a good career while at the same time working out to get a great body and dressing like a GQ man...thus joining online dating sites and being one of the alphas women want.

 

Or you can work first on learning to be more sociable. Right now you're acting like the "victim" women irc333 mentioned. They want an ideal mate without much work. Life doesn't go that way.

 

You think I would have met my fiance if I had told my friend that night I wanted to stay home and watch TV and was not into "social outings" or "meeting new people"?

 

You think I would have attracted her if I was still dressing in my baggy jeans, sneakers, and t-shirts? I showed up that night in nicer clothing with a flair of European fashion sense...that's why she found me attractive from the get-go.

 

You can't get anything in this world without working for it. I went through college and masters school to get two degrees and working my butt off learning more about design and code to have the career I have. I pushed myself out to social engagements and read the news and such a lot more so I could be able to easily talk to people confidently. I lost weight and learned to dress better so women like my fiance would think I'm "cute" and not "ok".

 

That's the hard truth. You're in college so the opportunities to meet women are huge...but you have to do the work. Join a frat even. You'll get loads of confidence and social skills as well as career networking. Plus they congregate with the sororities many times. Loads of marriages have come from this.

[AHardDaysNight]

Well...I'll be honest. You're screwed.

 

You're an average guy or even ugly guy in a world of men who probably look better than you...AND...you want to be a shy loner.

 

I knew a guy like that. He would repeatedly tell me how he's not a "people person" and would avoid gatherings or social engagements. He had a hard mistrust of people...but he wanted a girlfriend AND a good-looking girlfriend at that.

 

Is it any wonder he's chronically single and most women now run from him?

 

Let's be blunt here. You can't hope to find Ms Right sitting in your home hiding. I tell women this all the time when I see they constantly hide in their cliques of friends and never get out to meet new people.

 

You can stay in your safety zone and work harder to build a good career while at the same time working out to get a great body and dressing like a GQ man...thus joining online dating sites and being one of the alphas women want.

 

Or you can work first on learning to be more sociable. Right now you're acting like the "victim" women irc333 mentioned. They want an ideal mate without much work. Life doesn't go that way.

 

You think I would have met my fiance if I had told my friend that night I wanted to stay home and watch TV and was not into "social outings" or "meeting new people"?

 

You think I would have attracted her if I was still dressing in my baggy jeans, sneakers, and t-shirts? I showed up that night in nicer clothing with a flair of European fashion sense...that's why she found me attractive from the get-go.

 

You can't get anything in this world without working for it. I went through college and masters school to get two degrees and working my butt off learning more about design and code to have the career I have. I pushed myself out to social engagements and read the news and such a lot more so I could be able to easily talk to people confidently. I lost weight and learned to dress better so women like my fiance would think I'm "cute" and not "ok".

 

That's the hard truth. You're in college so the opportunities to meet women are huge...but you have to do the work. Join a frat even. You'll get loads of confidence and social skills as well as career networking. Plus they congregate with the sororities many times. Loads of marriages have come from this.

 

It's a community college. There is no frat!

 

But yeah, I agree with all of that. Problem is, I have a great face, and am not unattractive there, but I'm fat and out of shape, and that is a killer for any women to be attracted to me.

 

I also am shy, as you said, and have low self esteem. Probably if I looked better, I'd get better responses.

 

Tell you what: there is a gym that I walk by every day at college when I go to yoga. It's completely free. Instead of walking by it after class next time, I'll go in there and work out for 45 mins to an hour. I can rearrange my schedule. It's cheaper than the YMCA, it's free to all college students, there are weights and treadmills and all kinds of exercise equipment there.

 

I just need to get over my fear of looking - ah - fat, because most of the guys that come out of there are buff.

 

But yeah, I agree that I am screwed as I am now. I, however, will work on changing.

[wezol]

It's a community college. There is no frat!

 

Frats are overrated, in my opinion. To me, it's like buying friends.

 

But yeah, I agree with all of that. Problem is, I have a great face, and am not unattractive there, but I'm fat and out of shape, and that is a killer for any women to be attracted to me.

 

I also am shy, as you said, and have low self esteem. Probably if I looked better, I'd get better responses.

 

Tell you what: there is a gym that I walk by every day at college when I go to yoga. It's completely free. Instead of walking by it after class next time, I'll go in there and work out for 45 mins to an hour. I can rearrange my schedule. It's cheaper than the YMCA, it's free to all college students, there are weights and treadmills and all kinds of exercise equipment there.

 

I just need to get over my fear of looking - ah - fat, because most of the guys that come out of there are buff.

 

But yeah, I agree that I am screwed as I am now. I, however, will work on changing.

 

There you go...go to the gym and start working out. You will immediately start to feel more confident even though it will take time and effort to start shedding the pounds.

 

Talk to girls a little at first, remember....saying too little is better than talking to much. You can never take back what is said, and think before you speak. I know guys who go hello to a girl, she says hello back and they just start blabbering on about crap that they don't care about and aren't interested in.

 

Just say hey, they will say hello back. Then CONFIDENTLY say "What are ya up to?" and just leave it at that. When/if they ask you back, keep it vague, and build on it as time goes on.

 

There is a girl in my class I've had the hots for, for a while. She's been in a lot of my classes as she's the same major as me. She's unlike any girl I've ever dated, kind of that rebel look but classy at the same time. Went to a sports bar with a buddy of mine the other night and she happen to walk in and we recognized each other. Got her name and striked up a conversation. I was kind of drunk and when I get drunk I talk to much....and I'm kicking myself for it. I don't say mean or sexist stuff, I'm just a happy drunk, and I'm kicking myself for it. But NOW, I have an in, so to speak. Found out she's extremely smart, which is a HUGE turn on for me. Now I have to try and do damage control and show her that there is sober me, which is much different than drunk me that she met for the first time...don't make that mistake.

 

Do you have any close guy friends? If so, have a beer night once a week with em', eventually you may run into someone in the same fashion.

 

The study group is a great idea too, and I brought that up with her at the bar, while shooting her a compliment. I said something like "Wow, you're pretty dang smart, you're the girl I need to come to for help in our class", and it was a genuine comment. Now I'll build on it.

[Calutaxi484]

Frats are overrated, in my opinion. To me, it's like buying friends.

 

That's usually what people say when they don't have any experience with it. My fraternity dues were somewhere along the lines of a $100 per year, granted this was 10 years ago. That 100 bucks got my at least 3 parties a week (that I didn't have to pay for), I was able to live in the house, which cost 700 a semester (compared to the 1500 for the dorms), access to something going on 7 days a week, and I haven't ever used the job networking of it but I definitely wouldn't downplay that aspect either.

 

I'll say though it's not for everybody. It's not magic, you won't just instantly have 20 best friends. In many cases you will, but it's like any other type of group. There's going to be people you don't like, and people that don't like you. And every organization is different. Even on my campus other greeks might have had a totally different greek experience.

 

OP, check out what I said above if you haven't. The easiest way to make changes are just moving in the right direction. Nothing is going to happen overnight, so don't expect to see dramatic immediate results.

 

Weight loss can be either very easy or very hard. Getting your diet squared away is probably the hardest single thing. Your diet is just as important, if not more important then any workouts you're doing. This too is a process. Don't expect immediate results. It took you a while to get your body the way it is, it's going to take a while to fix it.

 

I started my diet in March and stuck with it until June. It took me that long to drop 23 lbs, and that was 1 pants size (went from a 38 to a 36).

You're going to have times when you're going crazy. You worked out all week, stayed at your calorie intake, and lost 1/3 of the weight you should have. That's a part of it, and it's usually what scares people off. The particular routine I did I had tons of "stalls and whooshes". I'd go 3 weeks only losing like 1lb per week, then over a weekend I'd drop 5-6lbs. So on the average for the entire month I'd be where I wanted, but for 3 weeks I was way under par.

[grkBoy]

Working out will help not only your health but your confidence.

 

Looking "not fat" can also be achieved with the right clothing. Despite that I lost weight I am no adonis. I have some pudge and I don't work out regularly (trying to fix that problem).

 

I learned fashion can do a lot, and we men have it easier since we're not pushed to wear the slender/form-fitting things women do.

 

Low-rise boot-cut jeans are a godsend to me. Levis 517s or 527s. I will admit they make a man look slimmer. Even a t-shirt with a nice stylish jacket can look great. Learning some good fashion sense can also help that confidence.

 

From there, you just have to take chances. Get rejected. You'll grow from it...and eventually women will say "yes" as opposed to "no".

[tman666]

I'm fat and out of shape, and that is a killer for any women to be attracted to me.

 

There is a fix to this!!!!

 

This is almost 100 percent in your control!!!!

 

Exclamation points!!!! Loud noises!!!

[wezol]

That's usually what people say when they don't have any experience with it. My fraternity dues were somewhere along the lines of a $100 per year, granted this was 10 years ago. That 100 bucks got my at least 3 parties a week (that I didn't have to pay for), I was able to live in the house, which cost 700 a semester (compared to the 1500 for the dorms), access to something going on 7 days a week, and I haven't ever used the job networking of it but I definitely wouldn't downplay that aspect either.

 

I'll say though it's not for everybody. It's not magic, you won't just instantly have 20 best friends. In many cases you will, but it's like any other type of group. There's going to be people you don't like, and people that don't like you. And every organization is different. Even on my campus other greeks might have had a totally different greek experience.

 

Fair enough, I think on our campus it's much more expensive but I really dont know. I'm not a huge partier anyway, but I do have friends who are in frats. Either way, neither here nor there.

 

I think once he starts working out it will help in so many aspects of his life.

 

AHardDaysNight- be prepared to get shut down a few times, probably more often than not. Just the way it is. If you go ahead and accept this, it will make it easier. Case in point,

 

Girl at work is very flirtatious, after a month of so, I went and asked her for her number. She then told me she had a bf and said no.

 

It happens, I still talk/flirt her, not a big deal.

[Carlos S]

Seriously, did you follow my advice? Next time you post here, you better have done some serious exercise, and you better have not put a milligram of junk food in your mouth

 

Just go talk to a girl in class. Or join a club you're genuinely interested in.

 

And if you're shy, get dating out of your head for the time being

[AHardDaysNight]

Well, there's this girl I've been talking to in one of my classes.

 

Problem is, I put my foot in my mouth three days ago, when I awkwardly suggested a study group, and immediately kicked myself for it. It gave her an easy out for rejecting the idea, while not rejecting me.

 

Now, I have no clue whether she likes me or not. She didn't say two words to me in class today, which made me feel even worse.

 

Plus, I acted really bizarre today. I ran out of my anxiety medication, and had a panic attack in class today. Luckily I got it refilled earlier today, so no more panic attacks...but that won't change people's opinions of me, if they reacted negatively.

 

I am going to step in the gym tomorrow. I have yoga tomorrow afternoon, so I have an excuse to be there. I'll learn all about the equipment, and maybe get on the treadmill.

 

Yeah, that's a game plan.

[grkBoy]

Don't give up. Every rejection will strengthen you and thus you'll find it easier to try as time goes on.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong in asking the girl for the study group thing. You took a chance and wanted to try to make her feel comfortable with you outside of class.

[AHardDaysNight]

You're right, grk.

 

The last time I "asked out" a girl was over a year ago. She said no, and while it was painful, at least I knew what was going on.

 

Do you think I should ask out this girl, too? The study group was my attempt at getting to know her better...but I'd be up to asking her to grab lunch after class, or something like that.

 

I feel more positive today. I exercised a little bit, got on the treadmill.

[Calutaxi484]

You're right, grk.

 

The last time I "asked out" a girl was over a year ago. She said no, and while it was painful, at least I knew what was going on.

 

Do you think I should ask out this girl, too? The study group was my attempt at getting to know her better...but I'd be up to asking her to grab lunch after class, or something like that.

 

I feel more positive today. I exercised a little bit, got on the treadmill.

 

Honestly probably not. If she already said she didn't even want to study with you, she's probably not going to want to have lunch with you. Asking her on a date would probably just come off as overbearing.

 

Edit:

Keep practicing talking to people, you said it was kind of "awkward". Just keep working on having normal conversations with people. What worked best for me when I was breaking out of my shell was just talking to everybody. Talk to your cashiers at the grocery store/gas station. Talk to people you're standing in line with in the food court at school.

 

Basically your goal is going to be to be able to have a normal conversation with someone. It might be harder then it seems when you're first starting out.

Edited September 20, 2011 by Calutaxi484

[AHardDaysNight]

Honestly probably not. If she already said she didn't even want to study with you, she's probably not going to want to have lunch with you. Asking her on a date would probably just come off as overbearing.

 

Edit:

Keep practicing talking to people, you said it was kind of "awkward". Just keep working on having normal conversations with people. What worked best for me when I was breaking out of my shell was just talking to everybody. Talk to your cashiers at the grocery store/gas station. Talk to people you're standing in line with in the food court at school.

 

Basically your goal is going to be to be able to have a normal conversation with someone. It might be harder then it seems when you're first starting out.

 

Okay, I'll just move on. She probably doesn't like me in that way.

 

The funny thing is, I used to be more socially confident. I bounce back, from being extremely outgoing, to having panic attacks and having my tongue be my enemy!

 

It's extremely frustrating, because I can go from flirting with girls, and making them interested in me, to being shy and "weird", and turning everyone off (guys and girls.) I sometimes wonder if it's related to my bipolar...there has to be some reason why I can sometimes be a social butterfly, and sometimes not?

 

Like I've said before, I've had girls interested in me before. Attractive ones, too. I don't believe I am unattractive, other than I'm overweight and that is unattractive. And probably a lot of the unattractiveness now has to do with my low self esteem.

 

You're right in that it gets easier when you talk to more and more people. I've noticed that before, as well. The easy days are when I've had a million conversations, and broken down all walls that I could have possibly put up.

[Calutaxi484]

Okay, I'll just move on. She probably doesn't like me in that way.

 

The funny thing is, I used to be more socially confident. I bounce back, from being extremely outgoing, to having panic attacks and having my tongue be my enemy!

 

It's extremely frustrating, because I can go from flirting with girls, and making them interested in me, to being shy and "weird", and turning everyone off (guys and girls.) I sometimes wonder if it's related to my bipolar...there has to be some reason why I can sometimes be a social butterfly, and sometimes not?

 

Like I've said before, I've had girls interested in me before. Attractive ones, too. I don't believe I am unattractive, other than I'm overweight and that is unattractive. And probably a lot of the unattractiveness now has to do with my low self esteem.

 

You're right in that it gets easier when you talk to more and more people. I've noticed that before, as well. The easy days are when I've had a million conversations, and broken down all walls that I could have possibly put up.

 

Yeah i mean that pretty much sounds like the bipolar. I'm not sure if your school has access to this, but it might be worth lookin into. Like my school had a free counseling service ( most of the psych professors did that kind of thing).

I can't really say how to handle that because I really don't know.

Edited September 20, 2011 by Calutaxi484

[grkBoy]

You're right, grk.

 

The last time I "asked out" a girl was over a year ago. She said no, and while it was painful, at least I knew what was going on.

 

Do you think I should ask out this girl, too? The study group was my attempt at getting to know her better...but I'd be up to asking her to grab lunch after class, or something like that.

 

I feel more positive today. I exercised a little bit, got on the treadmill.

 

 

See if she maintains contact with you. If you two are all chatty/friendly, then why not? If you see she doesn't do more than small talk and short answers, then move on.