robaday Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 me and ex gf broke up 5 months ago. she instigated it. it was kinda mutual, but i wasnt ready to quite quit. anyway i let her go. she came back to me, after traveling for a month, after being broken up for three in total. she wanted me back. so we discussed whether wed been out with anyone while apart. i was honest and said id gone on one date, and hooked up with someone, i felt it was better to be straight. while she was gone traveling she said shed met up with her ex bf, to sort out some stuff from the past. the rel was years ago, i believe it was quite destructive. i was cool with it - i mean it was only a coffee and they were together for a long time and she was single. she said she hadnt hooked up with anyone though. weve been seeing each other again for 2.5 months. and i just found out she actually went on holiday with the ex bf while we were broken up.....this actually came through a mutual friend who was abroad at the time as well, as hed gone with them. Now, my first reaction was anger. Second was that she was single so she could do what she wanted. The most important thing though is that she lied. how do i handle this? confront her?
country_gurl Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 me and ex gf broke up 5 months ago. she instigated it. it was kinda mutual, but i wasnt ready to quite quit. anyway i let her go. she came back to me, after traveling for a month, after being broken up for three in total. she wanted me back. so we discussed whether wed been out with anyone while apart. i was honest and said id gone on one date, and hooked up with someone, i felt it was better to be straight. while she was gone traveling she said shed met up with her ex bf, to sort out some stuff from the past. the rel was years ago, i believe it was quite destructive. i was cool with it - i mean it was only a coffee and they were together for a long time and she was single. she said she hadnt hooked up with anyone though. weve been seeing each other again for 2.5 months. and i just found out she actually went on holiday with the ex bf while we were broken up.....this actually came through a mutual friend who was abroad at the time as well, as hed gone with them. Now, my first reaction was anger. Second was that she was single so she could do what she wanted. The most important thing though is that she lied. how do i handle this? confront her? Is it possible that the person who told you this info perhaps misconstrued their meeting up as a 'vacation together' when in fact they simply met up while she was already traveling?
Author robaday Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 She met up with him in NY, where he lives, but the mutual friend told me they all went to california together. i did some digging on facebook, and found a number of tagged photos of her ex bf by her clearly in california- his profile is public, shes privatised her photos.
Author robaday Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Thats what I was thinking. I mean even though she was single, everything points to her breaking up with me so she could hook up with him, and then come back to me, knowing I love her. Is there anything else I can do? do I give her a chance to explain herself?
wilsonx Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 (edited) Thats what I was thinking. I mean even though she was single, everything points to her breaking up with me so she could hook up with him, and then come back to me, knowing I love her. Is there anything else I can do? do I give her a chance to explain herself? Ok, HELL NO, drop her like a bad habit. I will tell you I was on the receiving end of this and guess what this behavior doesnt change. She will find someone else, drop you, go to them, realize they suck and come back. Run now. you also need to set up some personal boundaries so you do not even have to ask this type of question. Breaking up with someone so that they can sleep with them and then come back is NOT OK. Thats manipulative behavior (Its technically not considered cheating) and thats why its questionable. But it hurts like cheating doesnt it? You need to create a personal boundary stating that once a relationship is over, its over to overcome this type of manipulation Edited September 19, 2011 by wilsonx
tegs Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 (edited) dfcbewhjbfebw Edited September 19, 2011 by tegs
wilsonx Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 There's no point in confronting her. Absolutely none, she will lie about it. The only thing that honestly matters is ending the relationship and being honest with yourself. Her behavior is purely selfish and will not change. If you talk to her about it, she will gaslight you into thinking everything is ok. Coming from someone who has been in this same situation and dealt with the pain of a long term relationship ending because she did it again after that first time, its not worth it
Author robaday Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 My only reservation is that I have absolutely no proof they did anything more than platonic together. But this really does not look good at all. So should I just disappear? How can I best end this without losing my own self respect and pride?
Bryanp Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I think it is pretty clear that she broke up with you so she could on this trip with her ex boyfriend. If you do not think they did anything then I have a bridge to sell you. She comes back to you because the fling has ended. You were straight up honest with her and she lied right to your face. Tell her you know about the trip and you have no desire to be with a girlfriend who can look you in the eyes and lie through her teeth. This will teach her a lesson about lying.
wilsonx Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 My only reservation is that I have absolutely no proof they did anything more than platonic together. But this really does not look good at all. This does not matter at all. Not one bit. The fact that you are posting here says that its bothering you. It will bother you for the rest of the relationship. So should I just disappear? How can I best end this without losing my own self respect and pride? Tell her the relationship is over. Good Luck and walk away and No Contact her no matter what she says. Here's the thing, you do not have to give her a reason. If this is what you truly want. That's all that matters is that you do not want to be in the relationship anymore You never lose dignity and pride for standing up for yourself. No matter what is said. Always remember that!!!
Author robaday Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 It's not what I want, I love her. But, despite my own ego, and pride, I am having to admit to myself that she is not the person I think she is. I guess I never really questioned her love for me. I was a jerk to her over the years, and I am no saint in this. But I have always been totally straight with her. Im not sure if she has actually lied, thats the thing - she told me she met up with him in NY, she omitted to tell me she met up with him in California - she didnt say she hadnt because the question never came up. I guess Im looking at it from my perspective - sure id meet up with an ex, but spending more than a day with them, seems like more than just being friends.......im sorry this post is all over the place, ive only found this out recently.
wilsonx Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Stop making excuses for your ex's behavior, you did things wrong you are human. Your gf manipulated you broke up with you visited her ex then got back together with you. This is manipulation plain and simple. She is at fault for her actions, not you. Your only fault here will be to yourself if you allow this, this isnt love if you allow it, its codependency
Author robaday Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 She keeps contacting me after i broke it off. apologising, bringing up my mistakes, telling me she loves me etc etc. Im struggling to ignore it, but its not doing me any good, i told her to give me space. whats best way of doing this without changing phone numbers?
wilsonx Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Like I said before shes responsible for her own actions, the fact that shes bringing up your mistakes actually shows her immaturity. Tell her straight up "You will give me my space, when I am ready I will contact you." This is a personal boundary, set it. If she breaks it say it again.
Ginger Beer Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 End it mate. you were completely honest and you didn't get the same in return. That is not fair on you. You could've lied but you didn't so there's no point trying to make excuses for her. I think you should end it.
chucksagent Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 I know it hurts brother and what she did was selfish and it wasn't right. She didn't "probably" break up with you JUST to go on vacation, she DEF broke up with you just to go with him. It was an awful thing and in my eyes unforgiveable. You don't want to always be questioning her and wondering if she's lying or not. Find a nice girl who won't lie.
Author robaday Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 I think she did love me, in fact i have no doubt of it. we were going through a very bad patch at the time. but the point is i have always owned my mistakes even when they were pretty bad, and have been man enough to admit when i was wrong. my moral code allows no room for lies, deceit, or blameshifting. i expect that of myself so i expect it from other people. this is a shame, but i can move on with a clear conscience. i hope she finds happiness but it wont be with me. Thanks for your responses. time to go back to the field:)
Chi townD Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 don't you love when they break up with you BEFORE they go somewhere and then when they return, they think that they can just waltz back into a relationship when they had their "vacation" from the relationship. Here's the hard facts, she KNEW she was going to meet up with the Ex. She KNEW he was going with her on a cross country trip. She needed to break up with you before her trip so she could hook up with Ex while gone so she wouldn't have to live with the guilt. "You can get mad! We weren't together!" How convenient!! Dude, this was her plan from the get-go. Don't fall for it. And don't fool yourself, she slept with the guy. Let face it. You weren't together!!!
blueskyday Posted September 22, 2011 Posted September 22, 2011 Take it from a girl, she didn't respect you enough to tell the truth when you were being vulnerable and open enough to tell her the truth...She withheld, manipulated, and gaslighted you at that very moment. Very selfish behavior on her part. You were lied to, and you have based your relationship on a lie. I've been there as well, and believe me, she will do it again and again if you take her back. You want an honest and loyal girlfriend. She's neither. And she will better deal you any day, when you are clearly the best deal and deserve a girl who knows that without having to take a holiday with her ex and then lie about it. Get a girl who is on the same page as you. You sound like a stand up guy. Forgive yourself for past stuff. You are honest about it. She throws it in your face so she can justify her lying....another red flag.
Author robaday Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 I guess what bothers me is the amount of lies shes even still feeding me. Ive held off dating anyone else until now, but am planning to start this weekend. Ive passed off a lot of good women and wasted quite a long time. I guess final question. Do people like this finally gain respect for you when you break it off? Im not sure why I care but I do. The amount of anger bubbling inside me is extreme but i have stayed cool and calm throughout this whole thing.
wilsonx Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 I guess what bothers me is the amount of lies shes even still feeding me. Ive held off dating anyone else until now, but am planning to start this weekend. Ive passed off a lot of good women and wasted quite a long time. I guess final question. Do people like this finally gain respect for you when you break it off? Im not sure why I care but I do. The amount of anger bubbling inside me is extreme but i have stayed cool and calm throughout this whole thing. It doesnt matter if they respect you or not. It honestly does not matter one bit. Do you respect yourself for your decision? (This is the ONLY thing that matters) Before you go back out on the field make sure to get rid of that anger first. Use the negative energy for positive like going to a gym, running, swimming, playing a sport. Don't go into a relationship with that anger
betterdeal Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 She keeps contacting me after i broke it off. apologising, bringing up my mistakes, telling me she loves me etc etc. Im struggling to ignore it, but its not doing me any good, i told her to give me space. whats best way of doing this without changing phone numbers? Oh for f*ck's sake, you were a dick and she was a dick, so it's no wonder the relationship has died. You don't sleep with dead things; you bury them. It. Is. Over. Now one you has to be a grown up and bury it. I *love* changing phone numbers. It's a clean cut. But it's all up to you. Who do you love more - you or her?
Darren Steez Posted September 24, 2011 Posted September 24, 2011 Oh for f*ck's sake, you were a dick and she was a dick, so it's no wonder the relationship has died. You don't sleep with dead things; you bury them. It. Is. Over. Now one you has to be a grown up and bury it. I *love* changing phone numbers. It's a clean cut. But it's all up to you. Who do you love more - you or her? ~love it, aint it the goddamned truth!
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