KumbaGirl Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Been in a relationship for a year and a half and find myself confused. Is it a relationship when he is 'emotionally' available on a very specific schedule? I can really rely on him for 'emotional support' when we are together. We are GREAT when we're together. However, if a crisis happens during the week or during the 'non-available' times I am on my own and have to rely on a friend or family to help me. He is fine with texting though. He will text me 'support' and 'I love you's' whenever I need. His emotional black out time is during the week, until about 9pm. He always has to work late or exercise after work. Cannot plan anything in that time period for the two of us. He will text me and ask if he can come over at 8:30pm or later, and sometimes show up a half an hour late on top of that. I've started to turn down these 'most generous' weekday offers of his time. On weekends I mostly have his attention Friday night and Saturday morning. However, any other activity during the weekend ie. exercise or other hobbies takes precedent and have to be worked around. He will gladly drop me off at home for him to finish his things and come pick me up again after. He also has family obligations which when those occur I am right out and must make myself scarce. Any 'together' time if he is with his family is concidered a 'favour' and 'look how nice I am'. Forgive my clearly loaded words. This morning a very sad occurance in my life happened. I texted him explaining this. His response was texting me to listen to 'happy' songs. He is out with his kids which means I am on my own for any emotional needs that I might have. I talked to my other friends and my family and frankly resolved it myself, but can't help feeling like I'm alone in this relationship. How to proceed? What would you make of this?
motive2002 Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 For a relationship he seems awfully unavailable. Has it always been this way? Have you discussed your concerns with your friends? I mean do you have someone in your life you can completely trust with everything?
Author KumbaGirl Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 Truthfully, he has always had this schedule. Somewhat the reason why I accepted that this is who he is, but on the presumption that on the individual occurance where I 'need' him, my 'need' would take precedent. This is not happening though. I'm foolish for expecting things to change? He also takes on additional yearly time-consuming projects which means even less time and when he is with me he's thinking about those projects. Is he just too busy to be in a relationship or just not that into me? He assures me when we are together that he is, and that he doesn't understand why I have a problem because 1.) He makes the effort to see me during the week (after 9pm) 2.) He sees me on Friday night/Saturday morning and 3.) He has generously let me hang out with his family Just feeling tired of having to be 'grateful' for his consideration when it comes to his schedule.
Author KumbaGirl Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 For a relationship he seems awfully unavailable. Has it always been this way? Have you discussed your concerns with your friends? I mean do you have someone in your life you can completely trust with everything? Sorry motive to answer your question: yes I have friends/family who I can trust with everything.
xxoo Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 How many kids, and how old? Do the kids know you as his girlfriend? After 1.5 years dating, I would expect more involvement in his family time, unless he is trying to keep his dating completely separate from his kids (which I would understand....and the kid time would need to come first....). Are you sure he doesn't have wife or girlfriend at home?
motive2002 Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I've recently had a gf that I wanted with me for things like hobbies, time with family etc. I'd be a little worried about it. Oh and omg being alone in a relationship seems worse than just being alone. I remember being in a position where I was vying for someone's time. I was very difficult for me. I guess it's more of a question of what you can compromise on, rather than what he can compromise on. When someone is totally into you, he is vying for your time, not the other way around. I understand there are "personal space" times, but still it seems like a bit much to me. And his attitude about being "generous" is a little disturbing. Just some thought. No idea if any of it helps.
CarrieT Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Kumba, this sounds very similar to a relationship I just ended for that very reason; I would only hear from him late in the evening and he had very little time for me. I grew increasingly frustrated and there was an occasion or two when I really needed some help but he was unavailable. Only you know how long you can put up with the limitations and if you walked into it know this was what he had to offer, than wanting him to change is unrealistic. You might have to end the relationship and move on if he is unable/unwilling to give you more.
country_gurl Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Been in a relationship for a year and a half and find myself confused. Is it a relationship when he is 'emotionally' available on a very specific schedule? I can really rely on him for 'emotional support' when we are together. We are GREAT when we're together. However, if a crisis happens during the week or during the 'non-available' times I am on my own and have to rely on a friend or family to help me. He is fine with texting though. He will text me 'support' and 'I love you's' whenever I need. His emotional black out time is during the week, until about 9pm. He always has to work late or exercise after work. Cannot plan anything in that time period for the two of us. He will text me and ask if he can come over at 8:30pm or later, and sometimes show up a half an hour late on top of that. I've started to turn down these 'most generous' weekday offers of his time. On weekends I mostly have his attention Friday night and Saturday morning. However, any other activity during the weekend ie. exercise or other hobbies takes precedent and have to be worked around. He will gladly drop me off at home for him to finish his things and come pick me up again after. He also has family obligations which when those occur I am right out and must make myself scarce. Any 'together' time if he is with his family is concidered a 'favour' and 'look how nice I am'. Forgive my clearly loaded words. This morning a very sad occurance in my life happened. I texted him explaining this. His response was texting me to listen to 'happy' songs. He is out with his kids which means I am on my own for any emotional needs that I might have. I talked to my other friends and my family and frankly resolved it myself, but can't help feeling like I'm alone in this relationship. How to proceed? What would you make of this? Is it at all possible that you're one of those people who is very emotionally needy and always has some kind of drama going on in their life that they need lots of support for? Sometimes people/partners will "tune out" those who are this way?
Author KumbaGirl Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 How many kids, and how old? Do the kids know you as his girlfriend? After 1.5 years dating, I would expect more involvement in his family time, unless he is trying to keep his dating completely separate from his kids (which I would understand....and the kid time would need to come first....). Are you sure he doesn't have wife or girlfriend at home? His two kids and I get along fantastically. I told him that I was starting to develop emotions such as 'pride' in their achievements and starting to 'miss' them if I haven't seen them inawhile. I told him I would love it if I could spend more time with them. He was unresponsive/less than thrilled about this idea. I have two kids too.
Author KumbaGirl Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 Carrie and Motive: Your thoughts absolutely do help. Thank you so much for weighing in with your own experiences.
Author KumbaGirl Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 Is it at all possible that you're one of those people who is very emotionally needy and always has some kind of drama going on in their life that they need lots of support for? Sometimes people/partners will "tune out" those who are this way? In the year and a half we've been dating I can think of 3 incidents where I 'needed' him. One was a medical emergency, one I was really ill and one was this morning. It is possible, I guess...are my time requirements/ emotional needs too much?
xxoo Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 His two kids and I get along fantastically. I told him that I was starting to develop emotions such as 'pride' in their achievements and starting to 'miss' them if I haven't seen them inawhile. I told him I would love it if I could spend more time with them. He was unresponsive/less than thrilled about this idea. I have two kids too. It sounds like he is into you enough to date you, but not enough to integrate you into his family. After 1.5 years, he should know if he wants more. I'd be very straightforward. "I want a relationship with XYZ. I feel those things have been missing in our relationship. Is that something you can offer me?"
Author KumbaGirl Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Thank you xxoo. Is it appropriate to expect him to 'give up' activities during the week so that there's time for me though? Tonight the same thing: He is going to pick me up at 9pm, because he's going to badminton from 7:30 to 8:30. It's an OPTIONAL thing. I said no thank you to hanging out because it's too late for me. However, if I keep saying no thank you then we'll never see each other during the week. Is it okay for me to ask him to give up ONE of his many other time commitments to spend time with me? Or is that inappropriate?
daphne Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 It sounds like he is into you enough to date you, but not enough to integrate you into his family. After 1.5 years, he should know if he wants more. I'd be very straightforward. "I want a relationship with XYZ. I feel those things have been missing in our relationship. Is that something you can offer me?" I really agree here. If he was really into you, he'd prioritize you more. I don't have kids, but I have a plethora of things to keep me occupied. However, when I find someone I wnt to spend time with, some of those extra curriculars just aren't that important. He seems to be in the relationship for the things he can get out of it. Not that he's fully on invested in it, and building towards a long term future. I would pass on this. It's great to have a lot of outside interests. But not great if you can't give up an evening or two a week to the person you're seriously dating. I think you settled for a very mediocre bf.
carhill Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 What culture are you and he? Is his behavior in line with his traditional cultural norms? In any case, a balance must be struck. Is it healthier to stay or go? Up to you.
xxoo Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Thank you xxoo. Is it appropriate to expect him to 'give up' activities during the week so that there's time for me though? Tonight the same thing: He is going to pick me up at 9pm, because he's going to badminton from 7:30 to 8:30. It's an OPTIONAL thing. I said no thank you to hanging out because it's too late for me. However, if I keep saying no thank you then we'll never see each other during the week. Is it okay for me to ask him to give up ONE of his many other time commitments to spend time with me? Or is that inappropriate? I don't see it as a matter of right and wrong. I see it as a matter of what you want from this relationship, what he wants, and if those desires are compatible. So, yes, it is completely appropriate for you to clearly communicate that you want more time with him. It is up to him to decide if he will sacirifice activities in order to make that time for you. It depends on his desires and priorities. I'd find this relationship very unsatisfying--but it would be perfect for someone who likes a lot of free time and space. The question is: are you a good match? It is no use trying to change each other to make it work.
Author KumbaGirl Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 We're both English middle class North Americans.
carhill Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Thanks. It's up to you to decide if this clearly rigid and unbending regime is healthy for you. Own that decision. Communicate it. What I'm hearing is that you've been asking for what you want for a long time now, but perhaps not in a manner sufficiently direct to get from his ears to his brain. Try a more direct approach and, if no joy, execute plan B, the cone of silence.
country_gurl Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 His two kids and I get along fantastically. I told him that I was starting to develop emotions such as 'pride' in their achievements and starting to 'miss' them if I haven't seen them inawhile. I told him I would love it if I could spend more time with them. He was unresponsive/less than thrilled about this idea. I have two kids too. So I've read this thread of yours here again, plus the new one you've posted this evening. You seem like a very nice person and I admire you for looking for a 'solution' to the issues here but I can't help but feeling that you deserve a lot better than this guy. It's great that things are "great" when you and he are together but after 1.5 yrs of being together, I think he's really taking you for granted, he's not making you a priority at all, he's not really making a proper place in his life for you and on top of this all, you've talked with him and he doesn't see what the problem is. It seems that everything in the relationship revolves around him and his schedule and activities. That's nothing but one-sided and a relationship is supposed to be a 2-way street. I'm curious; when he wants to get together after 9pm at night, does he stay over? Do you ever feel like he just comes around in the evenings so that he can get sex?
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