The Dilemma! How should I go about this matter?

[Johnny85]

Straight to the point: My roommates' brother is a narcissist. He is truly in love with himself. He's arrogant and cannot stand it if anyone has a different opinion than his. So his sister is my roommate. She is a lovely person and we get along very well. But her brother simply makes me feel uncomfortable, for he is one of those persons who will look you in the eye, smile and criticize you behind your back.

 

So last night my roommate and I had a party at our place and I suppose we were all "influenced" by alcohol. We started talking about cheating when he makes the remark that people with lower social economic status are more likely to cheat than someone who is affluent and financially successful. He continues by saying that poor people do not have the same positive characteristics (mannerisms, traits, etc) as middle class. Ok, so these are strong opinions - I decided to start questioning him and putting him on the spot. Eventually he says, "Just shut up."

 

Another example is when we were all out playing pool one evening. He started discussing the rules of pool with this guy (smiling in his face). I later find out that he got so mad because someone dared to challenge "his perception of how to play pool" that he wanted to "break his skull."

 

He doesn't like my roommates' boyfriend (constantly criticizing him in front of my roommate, which upsets her). I feel very uncomfortable around him. But I haven't said anything to my roommate for two reasons: 1) I appreciate our friendship and it's not an easy topic to bring up (hey, btw, your brother is a douche); 2) I believe he can become violent, should he ever find out what I think about him. I feel like I am being passive aggressive, and my frustration is building up inside of me. Besides, what will anything besides being passive aggressive do in a situation like this? I feel as though my roommate will protect her brother sometimes (I suppose this is natural; he is her brother after all). This makes me feel like I am the one who wants to fight people because they disagree with me or that I am the judgmental one who believes that homeless and poor people are worthless "pieces of ****."

 

So it takes two to tango and I am sure that the feeling is mutual. We cannot click with everyone, but I have tried being very nice to him. I drove him to the airport without expecting anything but kindness in return. I lent him my suitcase. I let him drink my beer when he comes over. I feel like I have been nice to him. Ok, so I can be argumentative at times, or perhaps somewhat emotionally sensitive. I may have pushed his buttons last night (I felt like he was attacking me all night with snotty comments, and I had to defend myself). He is a psychology major so he knows exactly what he is doing. Let me give an example: "James, I care about your opinion on this matter" while I am talking to him, insinuating that my opinion is inferior to his and that he wants to shut me out. Or he will put me down by saying to the effect of "I am not going to explain it to you again" in front of everybody. I understand perfectly well what he is saying; he just gets defensive when put on the spot, I suppose.

 

I really try to be considerate and polite to others. Perhaps I have tried so hard being friendly with him that I have placed his needs in front of my needs. I know that when sharks are in the water, stay away. Yet I feel like I do not want to shy away from his offensive remarks. He lifts weights and I called him a "bodybuilder", for he is a big guy and is well trained. He had this holy attitude about the definition of what a bodybuilder is. Ok, I just used the term loosely to describe someone who builds muscle. Pardon me!!! He makes remarks about being bigger than other guys and breaking their bones in a fight.

 

I feel better writing about this. There are always going to be people we disagree with in life. I just think that it is important to care about the outcome, for I do not want to offend my roommate. Yet this type of negativity is unhealthy. Maybe I am being too sensitive or maybe he has the same views about me. I just feel offended and it's very frustrating. And advice?

Edited September 18, 2011 by Johnny85
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[stenoFleede]

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[norajane]

Advice? You already know that you disagree on many things - why bother debating with him anymore?

 

Let it go. Changing his mind is not your responsibility. Don't engage in arguments or debates with him.

 

Why do you care so much about your roommates brother and what he thinks? You seem too invested in him. Ignore him.

[Isaiah Jackson]

Agreed ignore him or eliminate him from your life it would be best

[Paper Roses]

Yeah, just ignore him. His sister is used to his obnoxious behavior but when he's there, you could just make yourself scarce. Go in your room and watch tv or just leave.

[Johnny85]

Thanks all for the advice; it is greatly appreciated. I am just going to be polite but ignore him as much as possible.

 

Thanks:)