My BF's H

[popy]

Where to begin. My best friends husband started chasing me late last year. I was not really aware of this until July when we had to spend time together due to the activities our children are in together. Since July we were texting, then it went to phonecalls, then to a few meets and finally a hotel romp. I too am married with children and we both went into this knowing we can't leave our spouses as each of us have a child with special needs.

 

Now I am confused. I guess jealousy is kicking in, as he is really trying to do right by his wife and work on his marriage, but he won't let me go. I don't understand how he can work on his marriage and still want to be with me. My marriage is currently in rough state and yes I am miserable. I also don't want his wife to ever find out as I dont want to hurt her either.

 

Today I told him I can't do this anymore. He hasn't stopped with the messages since. Not sure really what I want....Part of me can't do this, part of me wants it to stop.

[eleanorrigby]

wow. You have really complicated your life.

 

What are your plans?

[Quiet Storm]

If you don't want to be with him, you won't be.

 

You have control over your actions. Just because he chased you, doesn't mean you had to respond.

 

Stop acting helpless and powerless.

 

Don't respond to his texts. Once he sees that you aren't taking the bait anymore, he will leave you alone.

 

You have given him postive feedback in the past. He thinks all he has to do is pay you a little attention and you will be right back in it.

 

Stay strong and don't respond.

[White Flower]

Where to begin. My best friends husband started chasing me late last year. I was not really aware of this until July when we had to spend time together due to the activities our children are in together. Since July we were texting, then it went to phonecalls, then to a few meets and finally a hotel romp. I too am married with children and we both went into this knowing we can't leave our spouses as each of us have a child with special needs.

 

Now I am confused. I guess jealousy is kicking in, as he is really trying to do right by his wife and work on his marriage, but he won't let me go. I don't understand how he can work on his marriage and still want to be with me. My marriage is currently in rough state and yes I am miserable. I also don't want his wife to ever find out as I dont want to hurt her either.

 

Today I told him I can't do this anymore. He hasn't stopped with the messages since. Not sure really what I want....Part of me can't do this, part of me wants it to stop.

Popy your story reminds me of someone I know whose PA lasted over 20 years, and the MOM was practically best friends with the BW. the PA was recently outed, finally, even though the A has been over for years. Sadly, the MOW is still denying to her fBF (BW) that sex ever happened. This could be you down the line if you aren't careful. The 'he won't let me go' line is what makes the story so similar.

 

I wish you the best, and much peace.

[wannabdone]

With friends like this who needs enemies?

 

 

Thank you!!! My exact thoughts. If you are so concerned about your "best friend" and hurting her feelings, you probably should have not met her husband at a hotel for a romp. Wow....I just live in the world that there is a girl code, that you don't sleep with your friends men, past/present/future. EVER!!!

 

So what are your plans? This is a slippery sloap you have already started traveling. A's are complicated and hard enough, but interwine best friends, this is headed for disaster.

 

So do you think you love this man? Can you not work on your M? Do you not want to?

 

I'm sorry my words were harsh, things like this just baffle me.

[MissBee]

You really shouldn't call this woman your bestfriend.

 

Having an affair, fine...but with the spouses of relatives or friends is really taking it to another level, especially when it seemed to happen so casually and how you're relaying it is so casual. Then you say you don't want her to hurt by finding out....as if, her not knowing, or not knowing as yet, is somehow better. I'm truly confused about this. I am not even close friends with my friends' partners (for deliberate reasons) much less to "end up" in an affair with them!

 

You can't leave, he can't leave...leave it alone. I would probably just distance myself from her and him (as the friendship wasn't enough to deter an affair, so it's surely not something you can't live without). Leave them all alone and figure out why you're married to your husband still, if you want to remain married and what is really going on.

[popy]

You are all right and I am not trying to make myself out to be a saint. It does take 2 to tango- I do know this.

 

I think the stress of our marriages and the additional stress of children with special needs drew us together in the first place. Due to all the therapy, group sessions etc, it is not like we can avoid each other, again because of the kids. We never went out of our way to get to know each other, it happened. It is also because of our children that our individual spouses have shut down on each of us, hence we have alot in common and that is what drew us together.

 

My biggest concern now is how to end this clean. I do care very much for him and yes my BF but what trumps all of that is our kids. Our children have social disorders (autism) so change is very difficult for them and cutting the kids out of each others lives is not something I am willing to do.

 

So again, I know the "with friends like these who needs enemies" but this actually runs a little deeper. I wasn't out to be with anyone else. I can't completely ignore texts etc because of kids. I have stopped responding to anything outside of the children so that he gets the hint from that perspective. Again, much bigger than the casual romp.

 

Thoughts and suggestions??

[woinlove]

You are all right and I am not trying to make myself out to be a saint. It does take 2 to tango- I do know this.

 

I think the stress of our marriages and the additional stress of children with special needs drew us together in the first place. Due to all the therapy, group sessions etc, it is not like we can avoid each other, again because of the kids. We never went out of our way to get to know each other, it happened. It is also because of our children that our individual spouses have shut down on each of us, hence we have alot in common and that is what drew us together.

 

My biggest concern now is how to end this clean. I do care very much for him and yes my BF but what trumps all of that is our kids. Our children have social disorders (autism) so change is very difficult for them and cutting the kids out of each others lives is not something I am willing to do.

 

So again, I know the "with friends like these who needs enemies" but this actually runs a little deeper. I wasn't out to be with anyone else. I can't completely ignore texts etc because of kids. I have stopped responding to anything outside of the children so that he gets the hint from that perspective. Again, much bigger than the casual romp.

 

Thoughts and suggestions??

 

I would suggest counselling for you. Statements like "it happened", "I wasn't out to be with anyone else" suggest a disconnect between your actions and thoughts. Counselling might help you see that you do control your own life and your own decisions and it is difficult to make better decisions without recognizing this.

 

I would advocate honesty, particularly since all four of you are close. Otherwise, the lies and deception will poison the environment for years to come. Neither of your marriages are likely to recover in the absence of honesty and it could just be a downward spiral with a lot of anguish for the children. Your marriages may not recover with honesty either, but this seems like the best hope. Honesty, with counselling for all, should help everyone heal and move on to more authentic lives. Likely that will mean a disentangling of your two families, as whatever friendship you had has been killed.

[PhoenixRise]

Where to begin. My best friends husband started chasing me late last year. I was not really aware of this until July when we had to spend time together due to the activities our children are in together. Since July we were texting, then it went to phonecalls, then to a few meets and finally a hotel romp. I too am married with children and we both went into this knowing we can't leave our spouses as each of us have a child with special needs.

 

Now I am confused. I guess jealousy is kicking in, as he is really trying to do right by his wife and work on his marriage, but he won't let me go. I don't understand how he can work on his marriage and still want to be with me. My marriage is currently in rough state and yes I am miserable. I also don't want his wife to ever find out as I dont want to hurt her either.

 

Today I told him I can't do this anymore. He hasn't stopped with the messages since. Not sure really what I want....Part of me can't do this, part of me wants it to stop.

 

This statement always baffles me.

 

Unless you are handcuffed and shackled in a basement you can "go" anytime you want to.

 

The problem is that you don't want to "go" and you don't really want him to "let you go".

 

Are your's and his children the only 2 children participating in these activities?

 

 

You are all right and I am not trying to make myself out to be a saint. It does take 2 to tango- I do know this.

 

I think the stress of our marriages and the additional stress of children with special needs drew us together in the first place. Due to all the therapy, group sessions etc, it is not like we can avoid each other, again because of the kids. We never went out of our way to get to know each other, it happened. It is also because of our children that our individual spouses have shut down on each of us, hence we have alot in common and that is what drew us together.

 

My biggest concern now is how to end this clean. I do care very much for him and yes my BF but what trumps all of that is our kids. Our children have social disorders (autism) so change is very difficult for them and cutting the kids out of each others lives is not something I am willing to do.

 

So again, I know the "with friends like these who needs enemies" but this actually runs a little deeper. I wasn't out to be with anyone else. I can't completely ignore texts etc because of kids. I have stopped responding to anything outside of the children so that he gets the hint from that perspective. Again, much bigger than the casual romp.

 

Thoughts and suggestions??

 

I will never buy the "it just happened" excuse. Affairs never just happen. Attraction can just happen but for an attraction to lead to an affair it has to be fed. Feeding an attraction takes action. Seeking out contact, phone calls, text messages, and keeping it all a secret from your spouse does not "just happen"

 

And NONE of that "just happens" when your AP is the spouse of your "best friend"

 

Your and his actions by having the affair have created a situation where your children, who you say don't deal well with change due to their autism, will have to manage some change.

 

Unless you want this whole thing to blow up in your face (I wouldn't count that as a bad thing because I think affairs SHOULD be disclosed to the BS) you will have to arrange things so that you are not in contact with this MM and your children will have to get accustomed to socializing with someone else.

 

Think of it this way. If your husband or your "best friend" find out about the affair the very least thing that will happen is that your children will no longer be able to spend time together because your spouses will not allow any contact between you and this MM.

 

But to make any change at all you have to first stop pretending that the problem is that he won't let you go.

 

Take responsibility for your actions and take action to protect your children from the ticking time bomb that you have brought into their lives.

[wannabdone]

You are all right and I am not trying to make myself out to be a saint. It does take 2 to tango- I do know this.

 

I think the stress of our marriages and the additional stress of children with special needs drew us together in the first place. Due to all the therapy, group sessions etc, it is not like we can avoid each other, again because of the kids. We never went out of our way to get to know each other, it happened. It is also because of our children that our individual spouses have shut down on each of us, hence we have alot in common and that is what drew us together.

 

My biggest concern now is how to end this clean. I do care very much for him and yes my BF but what trumps all of that is our kids. Our children have social disorders (autism) so change is very difficult for them and cutting the kids out of each others lives is not something I am willing to do.

 

So again, I know the "with friends like these who needs enemies" but this actually runs a little deeper. I wasn't out to be with anyone else. I can't completely ignore texts etc because of kids. I have stopped responding to anything outside of the children so that he gets the hint from that perspective. Again, much bigger than the casual romp.

 

Thoughts and suggestions??

 

 

I have some thoughts, and again I apologize for sounding harsh. But the only thing I see her, is a lot of blame shifting and excuses.

 

The stress of our M's, our children, our spouses neglected us are your reasons for the A??? You blamed your spouse and your BF for sleeping with your BF's husband???? Thats classic.

 

I'm sorry, but again there is a unwritten code about friends and their boysfriends or H's past or present.

 

You absolutely can ignore his texts, even about the children. You want to do this clean.... stop contacting him all together. Leave him and your BF be. Work on your M and yourself and figure out why you felt like this was okay to do this.

 

You didn't go out of your way to get to know eachother??? However, you went out of your way to get a hotel room and sleep with him.

 

Again, I know all harsh. But, if you really think this is wrong, which IMO your not coming across that way, then leave them alone. PERIOD. That is the only way to do this "cleanly". Which i'm guessing what you mean about clean is no one finding out? How do you think you can continue to be around a man and his wife (who is your BF) that you slept with ever again? I think that you put a nail in the coffin on this friendship, really. Being around either one of them is distasteful and disrepsectful, to your friend, your husband and the children.

 

I wish I could offer more adivse. I know we have all gotten ourselves in to positions and done things we shouldn't. But I think you know what you have to do. I just think you are not wanting to do it, and maybe trying to find justification for what you are doing.

 

I sincerely wish you the best.

[wannabdone]

This statement always baffles me.

 

Unless you are handcuffed and shackled in a basement you can "go" anytime you want to.

 

The problem is that you don't want to "go" and you don't really want him to "let you go".

 

Are your's and his children the only 2 children participating in these activities?

 

 

 

 

I will never buy the "it just happened" excuse. Affairs never just happen. Attraction can just happen but for an attraction to lead to an affair it has to be fed. Feeding an attraction takes action. Seeking out contact, phone calls, text messages, and keeping it all a secret from your spouse does not "just happen"

 

And NONE of that "just happens" when your AP is the spouse of your "best friend"

 

Your and his actions by having the affair have created a situation where your children, who you say don't deal well with change due to their autism, will have to manage some change.

 

Unless you want this whole thing to blow up in your face (I wouldn't count that as a bad thing because I think affairs SHOULD be disclosed to the BS) you will have to arrange things so that you are not in contact with this MM and your children will have to get accustomed to socializing with someone else.

 

Think of it this way. If your husband or your "best friend" find out about the affair the very least thing that will happen is that your children will no longer be able to spend time together because your spouses will not allow any contact between you and this MM.

 

But to make any change at all you have to first stop pretending that the problem is that he won't let you go.

 

Take responsibility for your actions and take action to protect your children from the ticking time bomb that you have brought into their lives.

 

 

My thoughts EXACTLY!!!!

[reboot]

The stress of our M's, our children, our spouses neglected us are your reasons for the A??? You blamed your spouse and your BF for sleeping with your BF's husband???? Thats classic.

 

Blaming the BS(s) is Chapter 2 in the Cheater's Handbook. Nothing new here.

[Emme]

You can still have your career and not be involved with this married man. Unless he plans on making your life a living hell by with your clients. You have to make the choice to end it. If you have no "business" with him and only people he knows I don't see a problem. Please don't make this situation more than it is. Continue to live your life.

[awkward]

Thoughts and suggestions??

 

Tell him if he contacts you one more time that you will tell his wife about your affair. When he contacts you again, tell your best friend about your relationship with her husband.

 

Once your husband and his wife are aware of the facts of your relationship with each other, then everyone can decide what is best for the children. Perhaps your husband and his wife should be coordinating events for the children.

 

There really isn't an easy/clean way out of this. People are going to get hurt, including the children.

[Mimolicious]

Where to begin. My best friends husband started chasing me late last year. I was not really aware of this until July when we had to spend time together due to the activities our children are in together. Since July we were texting, then it went to phonecalls, then to a few meets and finally a hotel romp. I too am married with children and we both went into this knowing we can't leave our spouses as each of us have a child with special needs.

 

Now I am confused. I guess jealousy is kicking in, as he is really trying to do right by his wife and work on his marriage, but he won't let me go. I don't understand how he can work on his marriage and still want to be with me. My marriage is currently in rough state and yes I am miserable. I also don't want his wife to ever find out as I dont want to hurt her either.

 

Today I told him I can't do this anymore. He hasn't stopped with the messages since. Not sure really what I want....Part of me can't do this, part of me wants it to stop.

 

The bolded- I can tell you my take- because you make yourself available. This is why. Amazing how a person that takes part of this kind of situation feels as if they don't have a choice or are helpless. It is as simple as stopping yourself. Try it and you'll see or else, be ready to live with the disaster that this whole thing will become. Trust me, eventually his W and you H will find out and everyone is going to get it! Good luck!

[NoIDidn't]

You are all right and I am not trying to make myself out to be a saint. It does take 2 to tango- I do know this.

 

I think the stress of our marriages and the additional stress of children with special needs drew us together in the first place. Due to all the therapy, group sessions etc, it is not like we can avoid each other, again because of the kids. We never went out of our way to get to know each other, it happened. It is also because of our children that our individual spouses have shut down on each of us, hence we have alot in common and that is what drew us together.

 

My biggest concern now is how to end this clean. I do care very much for him and yes my BF but what trumps all of that is our kids. Our children have social disorders (autism) so change is very difficult for them and cutting the kids out of each others lives is not something I am willing to do.

 

So again, I know the "with friends like these who needs enemies" but this actually runs a little deeper. I wasn't out to be with anyone else. I can't completely ignore texts etc because of kids. I have stopped responding to anything outside of the children so that he gets the hint from that perspective. Again, much bigger than the casual romp.

 

Thoughts and suggestions??

 

I'm not going to justify what you are doing, but I do understand how "it just happened".

 

Parents with children with special needs have a bond unlike that of parents that don't have children with special needs. Its like the other parents "get you" in ways that others, even your own spouse and other family members, don't. I grew up in a home with a severely disabled sibling and saw this exact scenario play out many times.

 

Its not the crude "you aren't really her friend" issue as much as it is kind of like a trauma bond. You guys are more united about your children's needs than because of anything else. You needed a break from that reality and so did her husband, and this is where you two ended up.

 

You guys messed up, big time. Now its time to come clean if you really care about these kids like you say you do. These kids are socially awkward, but they can still sense that things are off and the other parents will be paying attention.