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ok lets get the separation going... Legal steps, should i do this or not?


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Posted

My soon to be ex-husband acts like i am mooching off of him (ive been at a stay at home mom for the past 3 years because he is in the army and normally gone all the time with basic training, pre-deployment training, deployment and now he works a lot just on base).

 

He has threatened to take my name off of his bank account (which he didnt even need me there to put me on it, so im sure he can take me off without me signing anything). I am so sick of him threatening to take me off his bank account, so i told him to just take me off. Is this a bad idea? We have only been a part for about 2 weeks and i am still living in our house until this up coming weekend, i am moving back to my home state with my mom. He is not staying here though, we did nothing but argue so i asked him to leave until i move out, he agreed he would do it. Should i go a head and take my name off the account?? He accuses me of using him constantly and i dont like it, i also dont like how he makes me feel like i need him, i dont. So taking my name off the bank account will sort of be freeing.

 

He also has my cell phone in his name, i am considering leaving it here before i leave. I do not like feeling like he is in control. I also do not like feeling like im a mooch because i dont work. My mom thinks this is a bad idea because ill be driving 6 hours to go back to my home state, but i will be following behind her. So its not like ill be by myself. I'll also have my brother with me. So is leaving the cell phone here a bad idea? I just dont like him treating me like im a mooch and honestly he could get pissed and get it shut off anyways, i dont like that he has that power.

 

 

Are leaving the cell phone and taking my name off the bank account a bad idea? I dont know why he hasnt done it yet. Saturday i told him to take it off (im sure he could do it online or through customer service) and he said he was going to but hasnt yet.

 

He keeps saying he wants a divorce and does act like it and has told people i know that he is looking in to filing for separation but yet he hasnt done anything to follow through with moving on with the separation. Although he claimed he tried to pawn my wedding rings but they werent going to give him much. I am considering filing for a limited divorce, its a legal separation, but i feel like its too soon to file. i sometimes think maybe we are both just angry right now and filing may be a bad idea. Im not exactly sure. He has said multiple times he wants a divorce so should i go a head and file (id file because im going to be in the state we got married, he wont be because of the army)

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

Posted

There is important information missing here. How old are the kids? How will you split them? Will you have them? If so, it changes how you handle the money thing. Do you have another option for a phone? Have you talked to an attorney?

 

Speaking with an attorney is very important. Many things in a divorce vary from state to state. You should see one before you take any steps at all. Moving out of the living space can remove your power to change your mind on certain things. If you take or leave the kids, the choice may become permanent fast if things get ugly.

 

Many attorneys offer a free consultation before any action is taken.

 

There are also two types of divorce. One is contested (or with arguing and court and all) and is very expensive. The other is much cheaper and can be achieved if you can come to an acceptable agreement on all the things you mentioned and the kids.

 

There is too much we can't answer. Professional help can be found for reasonable prices. I highly suggest you look.

Posted

I agree with the others that you should be speaking with a lawyer to find out your rights.

 

And while you're tired of him making you feel like you're mooching off of him, you still have you children to consider here (including your unborn child). I don't think it would be all that wise to just leave there without a penny in your pocket; what if the car breaks down? won't you have some expenses once you're back home? ....even if they're not expenses for you, expenses for the children that he's also responsible for. I would personally withdraw half of what's in the account prior to leaving town. As for the cell phone, will your Mom or brother at least have one?.....more importantly your brother as he'll be the one driving in the vehicle with you.

 

What are you going to do about child support? I really think it would be in your best interest to be speaking with a lawyer, particularly one who has some experience/knowledge in civil/marital issues with respect to military families.

Posted

I'll just quickly give you a snapshot of my 10-year marriage...wasn't going the way I wanted it and told the wife I wanted a D many times but never followed up on it; told her I was just a paycheck to her; did this over and over till about 4 months ago she decided she had had enough

 

she said that SHE was going to file for separation because she is no longer in love with me; she got tired of the way I treated her and wants out; within a week she said she wanted a D

 

this was shell-shocking; never did I realize she could work up the guts to reverse the situation on me; I mean I wanted a divorce but yet when she decided that she was going to do it, I realized I don't want it; I would give anything right now to reverse time and take back my words

 

so maybe you should try it my wife's way...make it clear to him that you are going to do it and see his reaction; go NC with him; maybe he was just angry or maybe that is really what he wants

 

either way it's a win-win situation for you; you can get to the bottom of what your marriage is all about; then you can seek out a lawyer so you can plan this carefully

  • Author
Posted

Thank you all for the advice and links. I have been told not to talk to anyone at his base as far as filing for child support because they'll back him up tooth and nail and i wont get much, to file through the state of Maryland (which is where i am moving back to.). I am still in North Carolina but plan on talking to a lawyer as soon as i get home because i need to know my rights. I do plan to talk to the lawyer on base up there (although i may get legal counseling here too) and see what they say as far as half of his BAH, etc.

 

 

I have a bank account that he can transfer money in to and set up an allotment so if i take my name off, he could also transfer money in there.

 

 

Funny thing is, he has said i do not have to leave because im about to have a baby and ive said "no i want to leave" and has treated me like dirt while ive been here, pushing me to want to leave. Then today i told him i may end up staying and he flipped out, told me he could move my stuff for me, you could tell he wants me gone asap. i know he is trying to get me to leave on my own because he does not want to get stuck with abandonment on his pregnant wife.

Posted

Three RED FLAGS:

1: Taking the child(ren) out of state without returning will result in a major custody battle. THe judge will NOT favor the parent who took the children across state lines unless they were being endangered. Good luck proving that one based on some unkind statements.

2: True on the military laws. They are NOT the same. You actually will financially fair better if you stay in state til a decision is made.

3: Be realistic, if you are going to leave then have yourself employed where you are going to.

 

I sense that you are "re-acting" to emotions and not THINKING about the LONG term affacts. Sadly you'll do what is best for you and not for the family in the long term. Get a second opinion with a Lawyer who is familiar with military family law, I believe the military base even has an officer who does counseling on this very circumstance. Seek proper advisal . Where did you get such poor advice in not to talk to anyone on base? They will be notified when you file for support best to speak up now then later....

  • Author
Posted (edited)

Well he isnt kicking me out of the house, but when i told him i may stay until the lease is up, he was furious. He said "i will move you up to maryland myself". Then he got very angry and said "im sick of sleeping on my friends couch. I guess ill have to look in to getting a room in the barracks. He has also made it clear that the lease is up in Dec and he will not be renewing it.

 

The only real reason i am feeling rushed to move so quickly is because he barely answers my calls or texts. I'm 32 weeks pregnant, he goes out of town to party with his friends and he knows i have no one here and left and didnt even tell me. i have no friends or family down here and if i go in to labor he is not reliable. That's the main reason i am feeling rushed to leave and my OB told me if im going to move to do it now before i get too far a long. I know technically neither of us have custody of our son. So technically i could take off with him and my husband cant say anything. And of course my husband could take off with him and there's nothing i can say. I was told this when i filed for custody of my first child (but i was not married to his father). Also, my husband doesnt have very much longer in the military and he will be moving back to Maryland. But then again he has made threats that he wants joint legal custody of our son (he has not said he wants any visitation or legal rights to our baby who is about to be born. He has not been bonded with this baby at all). He told me to just email him updates on him or "something". Its sad.

 

 

Now my husband is saying he is filing tomorrow and wants a list of everything i want. Then said he wants to come up a visitation plan but he is in the army and will not get much visitation, which he said he is fine with. I know legally i do not have to move out of this house until the divorce is final and he would have to live in the barracks and continue to pay for this place. But he is sort of bouncing from the barracks to his friends house right now and is sick of it and he wants me to leave. But like i said he isnt going to tell me to leave because then he will have abandonment on him and i know the courts will frown on that.

 

As for my safety, i dont think he'd do anything physical to me, but he is mentally and emotionally abusive and i need to look out for my kids and my unborn child. I cant continue to be stressed, thats also another factor in me moving so quickly. I was trying to take my time to make any steps, i felt like things may be said and done out of anger and i didnt want to do anything i regretted later on, same with him. But he is trying to speed things up now. So im not really sure what to do.

 

Another thing is, i think he suffers from PTSD, they only see him once a month for this. I sort of feel like he is acting sorta hot and cold/nuts about all of this. One day he says he's taking me off the bank account that im a moocher. Then he doesnt do it. Then he will come home and be nice and wanna feel the baby move (which he never wants to do) and tries to have sex with me, but then after sex he is back to being extremely mean, if not even meaner after sex. He told me yesterday he wanted to stay here this week until we left, but he was furious today after i said i may stay until the lease is up and he has been horrible to me. now he is saying he is filing for divorce through North Carolina tomorrow. Which i said fine, go a head. I feel like he is very irrational about everything and its really confusing. He has not said he wants to work things out (ive asked him to work things out multiple times) but yet he has been hot and cold with being nice to me. One minute he's nice to me, one minute he's extremely mean to me. Most of the time he seems annoyed by me.

 

I guess my best bet is to go to JAG on base and get legal advice.

 

 

Also im not employed right now because i have been a stay at home mom for the past 3 years due to his army schedule and not being able to afford day care. I will not be able to work until this baby is born and atleast 4-6 weeks old (depending on c-section/vaginal and an ok from my OB). I do have some strings i can pull to get a job. I know i need to be employed soon after my son is born if i do end up moving. Im going to have 3 kids and child support and half of his BAH isnt going to get me very far when it comes to living on my own.

Edited by momto3boys
  • Author
Posted

The advice i got was from a lady from our neighborhood who was recently in the military but did not re-enlist. She also told me most bases do not tell you that you technically have rights to half of his BAH. But i am going to go to JAG and get legal advice whenever they're open.

Posted

What an idiot he is. I think JAG can advise you, but will not "fight" for you. You need to get legal advise and ask them specifically if you need a local attorney to help you. I think he has to provide some housing allowance and maybe some other types of support. Have you talked to his leader or whatever they are called...lieutenant, sergeant? Have you been to the Dr. to make sure you are doing alright?

 

You are in a really horrible situation and while it will be hard, you need to be proactive and do something about this. You have rights and you need to not cow down to him just because he wants you gone.

 

If it ends up that you need to stay there until you have the baby, can anyone come be with you before you have the baby..sister, mother, really good friend?

 

Do NOT do anything until you have determined what your legal rights and your legal responsibilities are. Good luck to you. Take care of yourself.

Posted

Steen is right. You are in a very precarious position and need solid legal advice and, possibly even more importantly, emotional support. Do you have a support system in place? Do you have a counselor you can talk to?

 

Take care of your kids and yourself. Worry about him later. He has checked out and isn't acting like a father right now.

 

Financially, there are programs available. Personally, I think you have rights to his money considering you are raising his son and have another child on the way. At least until you have the option of becoming self-sufficient.

 

As for the listing of what you want, make that list, but don't consider him. Consider what you want or need for your family. What is left is up to him. Then don't give him the list, give it to your attorney. He may not fight you, but advice is key here.

 

Please talk to the attorney, check your support system, and get some emotional support. Keep us updated. This situation is sad to see and has to be horribly frustrating for you! I really hope you get some good news soon!

  • Author
Posted

steen- I have not talked to his commander, although ive threatened him with it and when i do he usually cowards down. Im not exactly sure what his commander would do other than place him in the barracks while i am still living here, but either way im screwed because the lease is up in Dec and he is not renewing the lease. He has also told me that he has told his sgt's and first sgt (not his commander, he has to go through his sgt to talk to the commander) that i am crazy and out to get him, and he is friends with his platoon sgt. So i am sorta screwed in that aspect. He is very paranoid, he said he is not going to give me a chance to screw him over. He is insane now.

 

I have been to my OB, i go every 2 weeks, last time i went i had lost 5 lbs because of all the stress, she said stress isnt going to hurt the baby because he gets everything he needs from me so even if im too upset to eat then he is still get nutrition from me. But i am not sleeping or eating much because of all the stress. I go back to the OB this thursday, im going to get my medical records and im going to make copies to prove i have been losing weight because of the stress.

 

Im going to call JAG today and try to get an appointment asap, i know i need some sort of legal advice specially with how crazy he is acting. its very confusing and frustrating.

 

 

I have been seeing a counselor through the military and he suggested i move home and not file for anything because since my husband may be suffering from PTSD that he thinks taking a break may push him to get himself help and help the marriage, but at this point with how he's acting i think theres too much water under the bridge. He is acting nuts.

Posted
steen- I have not talked to his commander, although ive threatened him with it and when i do he usually cowards down. Im not exactly sure what his commander would do other than place him in the barracks while i am still living here, but either way im screwed because the lease is up in Dec and he is not renewing the lease. He has also told me that he has told his sgt's and first sgt (not his commander, he has to go through his sgt to talk to the commander) that i am crazy and out to get him, and he is friends with his platoon sgt. So i am sorta screwed in that aspect. He is very paranoid, he said he is not going to give me a chance to screw him over. He is insane now.

 

I have been to my OB, i go every 2 weeks, last time i went i had lost 5 lbs because of all the stress, she said stress isnt going to hurt the baby because he gets everything he needs from me so even if im too upset to eat then he is still get nutrition from me. But i am not sleeping or eating much because of all the stress. I go back to the OB this thursday, im going to get my medical records and im going to make copies to prove i have been losing weight because of the stress.

 

Im going to call JAG today and try to get an appointment asap, i know i need some sort of legal advice specially with how crazy he is acting. its very confusing and frustrating.

 

 

I have been seeing a counselor through the military and he suggested i move home and not file for anything because since my husband may be suffering from PTSD that he thinks taking a break may push him to get himself help and help the marriage, but at this point with how he's acting i think theres too much water under the bridge. He is acting nuts.

 

 

I think there is always hope...especially when kids are involved; give him the chance to clean up his act; if he refuses to, then that's a different matter but take the steps to facilitate his rehabilitation; your kids deserve that much and will be grateful to you even if it doesn't work out...at least you tried

 

separation will give him this chance to inspect his life and make the decision

Posted
steen- I have not talked to his commander, although ive threatened him with it and when i do he usually cowards down. Im not exactly sure what his commander would do other than place him in the barracks while i am still living here, but either way im screwed because the lease is up in Dec and he is not renewing the lease. He has also told me that he has told his sgt's and first sgt (not his commander, he has to go through his sgt to talk to the commander) that i am crazy and out to get him, and he is friends with his platoon sgt. So i am sorta screwed in that aspect. He is very paranoid, he said he is not going to give me a chance to screw him over. He is insane now.

 

I have been to my OB, i go every 2 weeks, last time i went i had lost 5 lbs because of all the stress, she said stress isnt going to hurt the baby because he gets everything he needs from me so even if im too upset to eat then he is still get nutrition from me. But i am not sleeping or eating much because of all the stress. I go back to the OB this thursday, im going to get my medical records and im going to make copies to prove i have been losing weight because of the stress.

 

Im going to call JAG today and try to get an appointment asap, i know i need some sort of legal advice specially with how crazy he is acting. its very confusing and frustrating.

 

 

I have been seeing a counselor through the military and he suggested i move home and not file for anything because since my husband may be suffering from PTSD that he thinks taking a break may push him to get himself help and help the marriage, but at this point with how he's acting i think theres too much water under the bridge. He is acting nuts.

 

When I worked for Red Cross (I was the acting director for service to military families and veterans), we contacted the service person's commander when there was a problem. In light of the fact that he has PTSD, his commander should know how he is acting. It may be better health-wise for you to move home, but you also have to do things the right way or you could be making more problems for yourself down the road. Get your rings back, they are yours. If he is assigned to barracks and you are in your house, it may be better for you. You will be safe, anyway, away from him. Get your legal advice and then make a decision. When are you due?

Posted

The main piece of advice I have is make sure you have something in writing before you leave the state with your children. Even if you simply type something up on the computer or write it out by hand and you both sign it. Do NOT leave the state with your children without this. He may be in 100% agreement verbally but if he changes his mind for any reason after you have left he can make your life a nightmare.

 

Whatever you write doesn't have to be complex just make sure it states he knows where you are going and he is in agreement for you to take the children. It would be best to have an attorney draw it up but even if you can't afford that make sure you have SOMETHING! I can not stress this enough...DO NOT LEAVE THE STATE WITH YOUR CHILDREN WITHOUT WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THEIR FATHER!!!

Posted

scared- your advice may not be heeded as folks seem to be of the opinion you can pick up your kids, leave state and file for divorce down the road. It works in the movies right?? In reality your advice is true. Leaving state (abandonment/flight) with the fathers kids is frowned upon in the courts.

 

THe OP wrote "So technically i could take off with him and my husband cant say anything. And of course my husband could take off with him and there's nothing i can say. I was told this when i filed for custody of my first child (but i was not married to his father)." End quote

 

ENTIRELY FALSE INFORMATION.Primary custody for unwed parents can be determined with who carried the financial and daily raising of the minor and residency. So BIG NEWSFLASH- IF the Primary guardian wishes too, they can file kidnapping charges.....I am sincerely questioning the mental stability of the OP based on the quoted line....PLease get legal counsel you are not getting the facts....

  • Author
Posted (edited)

I was told to file for custody/visitation through the court for my first son ASAP because in the state of MD no one had custody of our son (BUT we were also NOT married) and that if i gave my ex visitation without some sort of legal agreements/custody that he could take off with him and there's nothing i could do about it until i did finally file. Which is the reason i filed as soon as we broke up instead of trying to come with a verbal agreement. That was legal advice i got with my first son, but like i said i was told that in the situation as in, i was not married. My first son was by an ex-boyfriend. So the situation may be different, i am not sure. Thats why im going to get legal advice about custody and what rights i have as a parent while married. My husband has of course told me he can take our son whenever he wants because he has just as much of a right to him as me, making threats.

 

 

Also, my husband is wanting us to leave. He has agreed to sign an agreement that we can leave out of state. He got a loan just so we could leave. So he clearly does not want us here, but is also not going to kick us out because he cant do that. All id have to do is call his commander and tell him he's kicking me out and he could get in to big trouble for that, he knows that so i know he is not going to do that. But like i said he is not trying to keep us here, i have emails and texts that i have kept where he has agreed he thinks moving back home would be best for us and like i said has agreed to sign something to say he's ok with us leaving. i am obviously not going to leave this state without getting some legal advice, i know that would be stupid. i dont want to risk digging myself into a huge hole. I also know i do not know what my rights are either, i do not know much about divorce, this is my first marriage no one in my immediate family has even been divorced, ill be the first so divorce to me is new. I know i need to get legal advice asap before i even make a decision but i am planning on doing it sooner rather than later like he is trying to do.

Edited by momto3boys
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