I Lost My Love By Doing All This

[mike588]

Hello all,

 

Alot of you already know my story, if you don't well my now ex g/f of close to one year dumped me to go back to her ex b/f.

 

I came across an interesting article that really hit me hard and made me wonder why did she do this. All of the things below I did for her,actually even more.

 

There is a fine line of over doing these things, and not being needy or clingy. Over doing these things or being a "doormat" can hurt your relationship too.

 

I told her that I love her often and meant it and she knew it.

 

Took her out to dinners, movies and held her hand in public.

 

Made her breakfeast and help around the house, dishes etc.

 

Brought her flowers and on special occasions sent flowers to her work.

 

Cuddeled with her on the couch and in bed and gave her back rubs.

 

Called or text her every morning wishing her a good day and that I love her and was thinking about her.

 

Lots of hugs and kisses.

 

Came up from behind her, put my arms around her waist, kissed her neck and whispered in her ear I love you.

 

Held her hand, stared in her eyes, kissed her hand then put it over my heart and told her how special she was to me.

 

Made her feel special and appreciated without "faking it" She told me numerous times thats how I made her feel.

 

Told her how pretty,, beautiful, she is and meaning it.

 

Left her sweet love notes in her purse and elsewhere.

 

Made sure she was satisfied in bed/sex her pleasure over mine 1st.

 

Listened to her without trying to solve all her worries/fears etc.

 

Surprised her with gifts, and went shopping with her.

 

Was good to her family/friends, they love me.

 

And so much more.

 

Any men out there who did'nt do these things don't feel bad,, my results are/were the same, Dumped.

[M2155]

Any men out there who did'nt do these things don't feel bad,, my results are/were the same, Dumped.

 

That's funny even though it's not:cool:. They say the same thing about men, that you have to give a little bit of a challenge since resistance breeds desire. I definitely was not that and always put him first. Bad bad idea.

 

But, I seriously doubt how you treated her had anything to do with the outcome of your relationship! She wasn't ready to give herself to you emotionally. I can tell you that because I know, even though I know it's wrong, if my ex came back and he was up for the challenge of "winning me back" it would be hard for the next dude to compete since I already loved him...he would at the very least disrupt whatever path I'm on with new guy. A comedian once said there is always a 1year period where you can come back to your girl and I dare say I can see some truth to it.

[mike588]

That's funny even though it's not:cool:. They say the same thing about men, that you have to give a little bit of a challenge since resistance breeds desire. I definitely was not that and always put him first. Bad bad idea.

 

But, I seriously doubt how you treated her had anything to do with the outcome of your relationship! She wasn't ready to give herself to you emotionally. I can tell you that because I know, even though I know it's wrong, if my ex came back and he was up for the challenge of "winning me back" it would be hard for the next dude to compete since I already loved him...he would at the very least disrupt whatever path I'm on with new guy. A comedian once said there is always a 1year period where you can come back to your girl and I dare say I can see some truth to it.

 

I learned from previous relationships about being a challenge, I was, maybe just not enough. Regardless by doing all that the bottom line was : She was still in love with her ex.

 

I can't help but wonder though if she misses any of that?? I guess time will tell.

Edited September 18, 2011 by mike588

[JohnP82]

I can't help but wonder though if she misses any of that?? I guess time will tell.

 

Honestly you should stop worrying about whether or not she misses anything about you. The truth is she cared so little for you that she went back with an ex. Do you really want to be with someone like that?

 

Stop worrying about a woman who, in spite of all of the wonderful things you did for her, dumped you. Worry about finding a girl that's actually going to appreciate you.

[geegirl]

In the right R with the right woman, your actions would have been appreciated and reciprocated. There wouldn't be games and challenges. She was not emotional invested as you were and granted she may have felt good about all the things you did for her, overtime, it was not enough to sustain what she needed and where she was emotionally. And yes, I have no doubt, if you treated her the way you did which to me, is very hard to find out there and refreshing to see when a man speaks this way, she will definitely miss it and think about it. The sad part is that it is just not enough for her to want to be in an R with you. But it is NOT a reflection on you.

 

You sound like a man that has great ability to connect emotionally with a woman and you have depth and awareness into how to treat the woman. Her walking out on you in spite of all that you did is not an indication that you should change who you are and what you want to emotionally give to a woman nor should it be, and most importantly, be an indication that there is something lacking or was lacking with you.

 

Give all you have to the right person and you will never have to question why and if it was or wasn't enough.

[mike588]

Honestly you should stop worrying about whether or not she misses anything about you. The truth is she cared so little for you that she went back with an ex. Do you really want to be with someone like that?

 

Stop worrying about a woman who, in spite of all of the wonderful things you did for her, dumped you. Worry about finding a girl that's actually going to appreciate you.

 

You are so right and I do know that. Guess it's human nature to "wonder"

 

I'm going to wait some time before I start dating,, when I feel like it. I know 100% she's not coming back and I'm NOT waiting on her. The damage has been done and I could never trust her again, ever! and no I don't want to be withsome like that.

[mike588]

Thanks geegirl, nice to hear that. It meant alot.

[SugarLily]

Mike588 - Just saying, if someone had done all of those things for me - I would have married him.

 

Any girl would be insanely lucky to be with you.

 

x

[mike588]

Mike588 - Just saying, if someone had done all of those things for me - I would have married him.

 

Any girl would be insanely lucky to be with you.

 

x

 

Thanks, I needed that. I've been feeling so betrayed by doing those things and then getting crapped on.It really hurts!

 

Thats just the way I am,,, when I love someone I give alot. Nothing makes me more happy than to see my other happy.

[Buttercup84]

Thanks, I needed that. I've been feeling so betrayed by doing those things and then getting crapped on.It really hurts!

 

Thats just the way I am,,, when I love someone I give alot. Nothing makes me more happy than to see my other happy.

 

Move to Australia ?

[Coupedriver]

I even went FARTHER then you on what I did....A LOT farther...and still look what happened.

Took her out a hell house she was living in.

 

Moved into a warm,dry house to be in.

 

Watched her daughter EVERY weekend so she could go to work.

 

Gave up ALL of my friends so I could BE there for her.

 

Paid ALL of the bills..and HERS too.

 

Went without lunch during the day so we could ALL go out at night for dinner.

 

Took her shopping and always bought things for her and her daughter.

 

Helped cleaning the house..laundry.

 

It goes on...and on..and on....The things I did was also to see her happy...and then to find out she FALLS out of love with me..I still am having problems dealing with that.How can you give someone SO much and then they walk away like its just another day..?...I wish someone could explain that to me....And yes I know...people change..BUT not like that.

I am sorry but I DONT accept it...you cant tell someone "Your my best friend..I have never had so much in common with someone..no one has ever been this nice to me..YOUR an awesome guy.." and then..uh.."I dont love you anymore..."

WTF.....ok..sorry for threading stealing....

[lymtal1]

i don't want to steal as well. just want to join in stating that i am with the guys here in what i did and how i acted. and honestly what is sad is now i don't feel like it is the way to be. all i got out of it was pain.

 

i know that we that are this way and will have a hard time being anything that we are not. we will be the same loving, caring and outlandishly for them person as always. i think that this is a flaw and that if i look back at all my relationships i did the same things and it always turned out bad. how about you guys out there. did you always treat the girl that way and how did things end.

 

i feel like i am who i am and worry that if i don't become something different i will always end up hurt. don't like that. hope i can learn from this thread and all my LS brothers.

[Coupedriver]

I was married for 11 years..did exactly the SAME things for me ex-wife.I changed shifts at work (went to midnights..)when she had our son so I could help.I would get at at 9:00 pm to feed him,take a short nap then off to work...( we didnt live to far..) and on my lunch I would drive home to give him late night feeding then back to work.Leave at 8:00 am to drive home to give him his morning feeding.

Loaded up the bottle washer then off to sleep and start it all over again.Things went down hill..I was at a hectic pace to make her happy.We divorced and she gets married less then 3 months after we divorce..strange thing is..she never wanted to work it out... I wonder if theres a SUCKER sign above my forehead..?

I am becoming afraid of WHAT I might become because of all of this...not being able to give my love freely.....But be guarded all of the time..( HOW and the hell do even begin to enjoy a new relationship like that..?!??!?).

[Coupedriver]

I am SO sorry mike..I stole again.....

[mike588]

I even went FARTHER then you on what I did....A LOT farther...and still look what happened.

Took her out a hell house she was living in.

 

Moved into a warm,dry house to be in.

 

Watched her daughter EVERY weekend so she could go to work.

 

Gave up ALL of my friends so I could BE there for her.

 

Paid ALL of the bills..and HERS too.

 

Went without lunch during the day so we could ALL go out at night for dinner.

 

Took her shopping and always bought things for her and her daughter.

 

Helped cleaning the house..laundry.

 

It goes on...and on..and on....The things I did was also to see her happy...and then to find out she FALLS out of love with me..I still am having problems dealing with that.How can you give someone SO much and then they walk away like its just another day..?...I wish someone could explain that to me....And yes I know...people change..BUT not like that.

I am sorry but I DONT accept it...you cant tell someone "Your my best friend..I have never had so much in common with someone..no one has ever been this nice to me..YOUR an awesome guy.." and then..uh.."I dont love you anymore..."

WTF.....ok..sorry for threading stealing....

 

Yea I hear you. It's not like I was a wuss doing these things. We had our moments and I stood my ground. I heard the same things,, your the best person to ever come along in my life, I love you soooo much, Iv'e never been happier blah blah blah.

 

What a FRIGGIN JOKE!!!

[mike588]

I am SO sorry mike..I stole again.....

 

It's ok. Glad to hear I'm not alone. I actually had a laugh over it. Holy SH*T, I actually smiled. It's been weeks since I've done that.

[dreamcity]

Well I've been on the opposite end of that, so I'll just say... it doesn't necessarily matter what anyone does for you, if you love someone else.

 

When I first met my ex he was wonderful personified to me (problems on both sides came later). He told me I was beautiful, that he loved me, took me out for dinner, surprised me by flying in to see me early after a long separation, rented an amazing hotel for us, we went on trips all the time and through it all he was stroking my cheek and holding my hand and whatever nice thing you can think of.

 

Frankly, for much of that time, as much as I liked him and loved the way he treated me and made me feel, I was rather desperately in love with someone else. Does this make me evil or him a fool? Who can control their emotions?

[M2155]

i feel like i am who i am and worry that if i don't become something different i will always end up hurt. don't like that. hope i can learn from this thread and all my LS brothers.

 

You can only be who you are and hopefully you find a girl who will appreciate and love you so much that you will see she is worth all of your efforts. It should be standard to treat someone nice and with respect, but I know myself, I will be way more cautious and selective before pulling out all the stops for my guy the next time. I was burned by giving, giving, giving when I wasn't receiving in return. Not doing that again.

 

What I think is most unfortunate is that some of us have had bad experiences and those people messed it up (a little) for the next girl/guy. My friends and I see a lot of the opposite, guys who are used to crazy-drama type women and think that is "passion." When you don't respond that way, they don't know how to take it or appreciate your way of handling things. I think that's all the more reason it's important to take time to heal and forgive.

 

At the same time though, most relationships are not going to last forever and the ending of a relationship usually hurts regardless of the reason. So treating them well is not going to spare you the pain. Like Mike588's story, I'm sure she enjoyed and will remember how he treated her, but it wasn't greater than the emotional attachment to her ex.

[M2155]

Well I've been on the opposite end of that, so I'll just say... it doesn't necessarily matter what anyone does for you, if you love someone else.

 

When I first met my ex he was wonderful personified to me (problems on both sides came later). He told me I was beautiful, that he loved me, took me out for dinner, surprised me by flying in to see me early after a long separation, rented an amazing hotel for us, we went on trips all the time and through it all he was stroking my cheek and holding my hand and whatever nice thing you can think of.

 

Frankly, for much of that time, as much as I liked him and loved the way he treated me and made me feel, I was rather desperately in love with someone else. Does this make me evil or him a fool? Who can control their emotions?

 

So what happened? Did you get back with the guy you loved?

[mike588]

I guess what hurts so much other than losing a very attractive and smart/educated woman was that she dragged it out (telling me all those sweet things, I love you etc etc) for almost a year. I wasted all that time on someone I never really had a chance at.

 

She knew her heart was elsewhere the whole time and would jump at the chance to get back with him. I just now wish she would of been honest about it. I asked her several times,, it he came back, if he called you would you go back to him and of course the answer was NO, you make me so happy, I love you blah blah.

 

All those things I did for her well,,, it wasn't like it was my 1st love. Were both in our 40s.

Edited September 18, 2011 by mike588

[dreamcity]

@M2155: Nope, got over the other guy, learned to love and appreciate my boyfriend (after plenty of mistakes). Anyway, we've split up now. Probably the fact that I wasn't in love with him then foreshadowed it.

[leoc1973]

well I gotta say when I was reading your origional post mike I was saying myself that I did all those things. she got a nightly foot rub while we watched our shows. I played with her hair so she could fall asleep. All the other things too. even the sex. I always put her first. I met with her yesterday and finally just asked her right out why she REALLY left. She told me how much she loved me and how great I was. She said it boils down to I don't make enough money. I make decent money enough to never have to worry about bills but she said she wants to travel the world and live in a mansion and have a awesome car. I guess I gotta thank her for being honest with me. She also told me that she started seeing a new guy and he is rich and takes her to really expensive resturaunts ect. But she said she just can't get that "feeling" for him. She says he doesn't do those little things that I did. She said wtf I haven't had a footrub in 6 months. lol I met a new great girl and she likes me for me and she is just what I need to get over my ex. I guess I am finally at a tipping point. I would have to seriously think about it if my ex came back.

[mike588]

well I gotta say when I was reading your origional post mike I was saying myself that I did all those things. she got a nightly foot rub while we watched our shows. I played with her hair so she could fall asleep. All the other things too. even the sex. I always put her first. I met with her yesterday and finally just asked her right out why she REALLY left. She told me how much she loved me and how great I was. She said it boils down to I don't make enough money. I make decent money enough to never have to worry about bills but she said she wants to travel the world and live in a mansion and have a awesome car. I guess I gotta thank her for being honest with me. She also told me that she started seeing a new guy and he is rich and takes her to really expensive resturaunts ect. But she said she just can't get that "feeling" for him. She says he doesn't do those little things that I did. She said wtf I haven't had a footrub in 6 months. lol I met a new great girl and she likes me for me and she is just what I need to get over my ex. I guess I am finally at a tipping point. I would have to seriously think about it if my ex came back.

 

Yea I often wonder if my ex after some time will feel the same about me. She used to tell me how wonderful I was cause her ex (3rd time back to him now) did'nt do half of those things, probably less than half.

 

I'm hoping if and only if she does come back it will be many months down the road and I will have found someone else like you said loves me for me.

[mike588]

I was married for 11 years..did exactly the SAME things for me ex-wife.I changed shifts at work (went to midnights..)when she had our son so I could help.I would get at at 9:00 pm to feed him,take a short nap then off to work...( we didnt live to far..) and on my lunch I would drive home to give him late night feeding then back to work.Leave at 8:00 am to drive home to give him his morning feeding.

Loaded up the bottle washer then off to sleep and start it all over again.Things went down hill..I was at a hectic pace to make her happy.We divorced and she gets married less then 3 months after we divorce..strange thing is..she never wanted to work it out... I wonder if theres a SUCKER sign above my forehead..?

I am becoming afraid of WHAT I might become because of all of this...not being able to give my love freely.....But be guarded all of the time..( HOW and the hell do even begin to enjoy a new relationship like that..?!??!?).

 

I feel the same. Maybe I should do less than half of those things when I meet someone else that I develop feelings for. It sucks now having to walk on egg shells worrying if your doing to much.

 

I just wanna be me and not have to worry or guess if I'm doing to much!

 

I can see the next woman in my life telling me it's over because I did'nt do all/most of those things,,,,You wouldn't hold my hand, you never told me I was pretty, I feel so unappreciated,, loved etc. etc. etc.

 

Ahhhhhhhhh, time for another beer!

[Coupedriver]

It's ok. Glad to hear I'm not alone. I actually had a laugh over it. Holy SH*T, I actually smiled. It's been weeks since I've done that.

 

 

I laughed when you wrote that....been WAY too long since I even learned to use those muscles to smile...