Author i'mfaraway Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 All I want is a fuss-free life. I just want a relationship with a free man that loves me. If I turn this man down, it would be not the first that I've done in a week. But there'll be plenty of others anyway, right? Why do these people not completely heal before they date other people?
oaks Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 All I want is a fuss-free life. I just want a relationship with a free man that loves me. If I turn this man down, it would be not the first that I've done in a week. But there'll be plenty of others anyway, right? Why do these people not completely heal before they date other people? While you might be right, I've seen nothing in what you've described about him to suggest that he's one of "these people". We've read some horror stories in this thread, but I don't think that anyone who has dated me has experienced any "fuss" - no visits/calls/letters from my ex and I'm not 'seeing' her behind anybody's back - and not everyone finds themselves in a story from the Jerry Springer show just by dating someone who is separated! However, yes, some people who are recently (and perhaps even not-so-recently) just shouldn't be dating, regardless of marital status. Of course you can turn him down. You can change your mind at any stage, but the sooner the better if that's what you're going to do. In the style of some of the gross generalisations in this thread I'll even go as far as to say that women flake all the time. Good luck!
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 All I want is a fuss-free life. I just want a relationship with a free man that loves me. If I turn this man down, it would be not the first that I've done in a week. But there'll be plenty of others anyway, right? Why do these people not completely heal before they date other people? Life is rarely fuss-free... but we can certainly do our best to limit the obvious ones. Why don't they wait awhile? Because they don't have to. If they can find people who get a kick out of being fixer-uppers, then all is A-OK with them. If you don't want to be a fixer-upper, then pass.
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Would it be okay if I go and meet at least though? Or completely cancel?
oaks Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Would it be okay if I go and meet at least though? Or completely cancel? If you're doubting it so much that you're only going to go on the date because you already said that you would with no intention of allowing any further date to happen then just cancel it and don't waste his time. Or if you have an open mind then enjoy it and see how things go.
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 If you're doubting it so much that you're only going to go on the date because you already said that you would with no intention of allowing any further date to happen then just cancel it and don't waste his time. Or if you have an open mind then enjoy it and see how things go. I'm torn because I'm always curious but I'm scared at the same time. I'm contradictory, I know. It's not that I'm disregarding all these posters have said after asking so many questions. I just want to see what this whole deal is. Yup, you all can slap me now.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Can't tell you what to do. You seem more concerned about what other prospects are out there rather than making selections based on your core values and what you are really looking for. If your biggest concern is have 'a date'... any date... then sure, why not. Go ahead. If your biggest concern is getting drawn into a bizarre and possibly drama filled existence, then cancel. Personally, I wouldn't give him a chance to schmooze his way into your life... But that is just me. Call him back and tell him you'll be happy to go on a date with him when the divorce is final. Or... another thought. Ask him if you can have a chat with his wife and see if it is ok with her... Easy-sneezy.
oaks Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Ask him if you can have a chat with his wife and see if it is ok with her... :lmao: (minimum length)
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Can't tell you what to do. You seem more concerned about what other prospects are out there rather than making selections based on your core values and what you are really looking for. If your biggest concern is have 'a date'... any date... then sure, why not. Go ahead. If your biggest concern is getting drawn into a bizarre and possibly drama filled existence, then cancel. Personally, I wouldn't give him a chance to schmooze his way into your life... But that is just me. Call him back and tell him you'll be happy to go on a date with him when the divorce is final. Or... another thought. Ask him if you can have a chat with his wife and see if it is ok with her... Easy-sneezy. The bold is what I'm having problems with. The strange thing is none of my real life friends (not that you guys aren't great) told me not to go. I'm just surprised by the difference.
oaks Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 The strange thing is none of my real life friends (not that you guys aren't great) told me not to go. I'm just surprised by the difference. You've come to a dating advice forum and are surprised to find people who have had bad dating experiences?
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 You've come to a dating advice forum and are surprised to find people who have had bad dating experiences? But all? I haven't read a single good experience, at least to this situation. I'm not saying there should be but the distinction is 99% on here say not to go (which is fine; I know where you guys are coming from and with good intention), whereas my friends all told me what's there to lose in just one meet up.
country_gurl Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 But all? I haven't read a single good experience' date=' at least to this situation. I'm not saying there should be but the distinction is 99% on here say not to go (which is fine; I know where you guys are coming from and with good intention), whereas my friends all told me what's there to lose in just one meet up.[/quote'] Well perhaps your friends are more positive about it because they have no experience with dating a separated man and what that can entail....whereas people here DO have experience dating them?
carhill Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 But all? I haven't read a single good experience' date=' at least to this situation. I'm not saying there should be but the distinction is 99% on here say not to go (which is fine; I know where you guys are coming from and with good intention), whereas my friends all told me what's there to lose in just one meet up.[/quote'] You have, just not from women Here I stand in marked contrast, even having been burned by supposedly separated women on more than one occasion. Getting burned is an equal opportunity process, as is how each of us processes that information. That said, if you don't trust yourself to retain healthy boundaries on this date and from its effect, then by all means cancel. Try something different. You will never know what it's like dating this separated man unless you do.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 But all? I haven't read a single good experience' date=' at least to this situation. I'm not saying there should be but the distinction is 99% on here say not to go (which is fine; I know where you guys are coming from and with good intention), whereas my friends all told me what's there to lose in just one meet up.[/quote'] What is there to lose? Lots. Ok, try this. Tell him he needs to explain his situation over the phone or over email or it is a no go. Try it. See what happens. What is there to lose by keeping your distance another few days and making him square with you before he bats his baby blues in your direction??
OliveOyl Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 But all? I haven't read a single good experience' date=' at least to this situation. I'm not saying there should be but the distinction is 99% on here say not to go (which is fine; I know where you guys are coming from and with good intention), whereas my friends all told me what's there to lose in just one meet up.[/quote'] Maybe you skimmed through my response? Or it doesn't apply because I'm separated too ? (not for long though)!
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 You have, just not from women Here I stand in marked contrast, even having been burned by supposedly separated women on more than one occasion. Getting burned is an equal opportunity process, as is how each of us processes that information. That said, if you don't trust yourself to retain healthy boundaries on this date and from its effect, then by all means cancel. Try something different. You will never know what it's like dating this separated man unless you do. I went through the pages and you're right. I guess I was just too fixated on the threads I read from TheAmericanLife. I appreciate her sharing her experiences; they just scare me. (Sorry TheAmericanLife, to say that about your experiences.) With regards to your point on boundaries, I just wonder if there's a need to open myself up to "risks" like this even though on the other side of the coin, I know if I don't try, I'll never know. Yep, I'm a walking contradiction. What is there to lose? Lots. Ok, try this. Tell him he needs to explain his situation over the phone or over email or it is a no go. Try it. See what happens. What is there to lose by keeping your distance another few days and making him square with you before he bats his baby blues in your direction?? Hmmmmmmmmmmm. I'm still thinking. Maybe you skimmed through my response? Or it doesn't apply because I'm separated too ? (not for long though)! No, OliveOyl, I didn't skim through it. I just thought it might work better (no offense) between 2 separated people. Because I'm not sure I understand the dynamics and may not be able to lower my demands.
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