ThsAmericanLife Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 One thing I've learned too... There is his side, her side, and then the truth. I'm always wary of people who trash their spouses. I picked mine. If I picked a loser, what does that make me?
coolheadal Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Just curious' date=' anyone dated a separated man and has something happily ever after story to tell?[/quote'] I am started that in a bit.. I had met someone I'll see how it goes today (depends on the weather) But I am separated and you can be separated and date. Those here who done might not done it the way I am doing it. So I've step#1, step#2 and soon step#3 today.
carhill Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I've kind of learned how to distinguish the down-deep takers from the temporary takers though (cause we've all been in that position). My criteria generally aligns with what you explained. Takers will, generally, let people love them; givers, in times of extreme emotional stress, will do the same but will acknowledge the value of what they've taken and make small gestures of appreciation in line with their limited resources available. They try. Takers take.
oaks Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Twice I dated men who were separated (both had kids) and I learned my lesson well such that I won't even CONSIDER doing it again. Sorry to hear those stories. I can't blame you for being put off. Next time try someone without kids.
coolheadal Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 So I've step#1, step#2 and soon step#3 today. My S-spouse was worthless and a list of bad stuff all you can thing of.. So she's seeing someone she cheated on it's been 5 months so what the heck can I have someone now. I don't have kids with the former S-spouse. So my situation is different. I was looking for some with the same values as me. She had to be single as we all know what happens if not. Well so far so good.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Sorry to hear those stories. I can't blame you for being put off. Next time try someone without kids. Kids are great. It is the parents who have the issues.... I never turned down a guy because he had kids... only ones who didn't have their acts together with the ex or who seemed to use the kids to get at their ex's. Now THAT was sad. I'm still close to the kids of my fiancee. They are all grown up men now. I'm very thankful to have been a part of their lives... and still am.
oaks Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Kids are great. It is the parents who have the issues.... Oh, I agree, and I wasn't being entirely serious. I could've rephrased as "Next time try someone who isn't a parent"
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Do you mean that they enter OLD to try and see whether they could get back their "mojo?" I'm going to start making it feel like a friendship than a date. I don't want the hassle of emotional drama. I can't say I'm not scared. About the mojo. Yes. I suppose you can't blame them. Just not what I'm looking for.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Oh, I agree, and I wasn't being entirely serious. I could've rephrased as "Next time try someone who isn't a parent" I know. It's ok. But I'd hate to see parents being pushed off the dating plate because they chose to care for another human being. To me, being around a man who is a good father feels very nurturing. And since I don't have children, it is kinda nice to be around them. Kids provide such a spark of life and happiness (if the parents aren't complete jerks). I used to have a saying... 'pets, plants, or kids'... gotta have one of them. It is the ones who can't demonstrate caring for any other living thing that i really worry about. So, you have a pet or a plant?
oaks Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 So, you have a pet or a plant? Plants. Is it okay that I talk to them?
country_gurl Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I'm sorry that you went through these relationships. I hope you've come out of it. Did any of these men exhibit signs of the traits you mentioned while you were dating them? I don't mean that you didn't manage to spot them but this separated man I was talking about seemed to have a good head on his shoulders even if I can't be sure. Yes, I've definitely come out of these relationships and have taken with me, good lessons learned. Each of the 3 guys I wrote about above, they all gave the very distinct impression/appearance that they had a good head on their shoulders, too. They all gave the impression that they had "dealt with their baggage", had worked through the gamete of feelings and were really "ready" for a new relationship. I feel that I really did pay careful attention to their words and actions during the honeymoon phase because I was admittedly cautious about whether they WERE really over their ex spouses/marriage. In all honesty, I think perhaps they weren't even fully aware of their real feelings about things until more time had passed so I can't really necessarily claim they were intentionally trying to dupe me. If you're just looking for some short-term fun, there's probably no issue here...but if you're looking for something serious/long-term, I'd reconsider. If he's only separated, he's still got a divorce to go through and once one spouse does file, that's when the sh*t can really hit the fan. That's when the finality of things becomes real and often the other spouse doesn't take it all that well. How long have they been separated? Do they have children? How long has he been married? Has he had a serious relationship since separating or would you be the first?
coolheadal Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 If you wife cheated on you and you leave her so now your separated. So if she's with another man so what are you the spouse suppose to do? If you can find your own girl friend I say go for it.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Plants. Is it okay that I talk to them? Absolutely! But if they start talking back, you let us know, k?
oaks Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Absolutely! But if they start talking back, you let us know, k? The aspidistra agrees with you.
OliveOyl Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Well I think this is one those "your mileage may vary" situations. Clearly some women here have had very bad experiences with separated men and I can totally understand not wanting to go down that road ever again. On the other hand, I am separated, and my BF is separated, and we are very happy together, almost 6 months now. Any issues we've been facing have nothing to do with our statuses. In my case, I have been separated almost two years and I'm expecting the divorce will be finalized by the end of the year, if not earlier. He has been separated even longer. Both our stbx's (I call my stbx an "ex" even though technically he's not yet, but we have the details of the divorce hammered out and are living as if we are legally split) have had relationships with others before my BF and I met. I waited over a year to even consider dating and I put very notably on my profile that I was separated. I know it cut down on the number of replies but I wanted to be honest up front. I had checked out of my marriage emotionally for a few years before I actually left so there hasn't been a lot of baggage to process... my situation is probably unusually amicable. My stbx and I always had friendship as a strong basis and we still have that. My BF seems to be fairly amicable as well with his dealing with his stbx. I've met her briefly and there was no venom spewed. Now our mutual statuses do slow things down a bit, but I don't think that's a bad thing...in fact I think it's a very very good thing. I don't want to make any big changes (e.g. moving in or closer to each other) until we are both divorced. If do remarry I plan to take a LONG time before even considering it, so that certainly isn't a problem. Marriage isn't really a goal of mine.
coolheadal Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Well I think this is one those "your mileage may vary" situations. Clearly some women here have had very bad experiences with separated men and I can totally understand not wanting to go down that road ever again. On the other hand, I am separated, and my BF is separated, and we are very happy together, almost 6 months now. Any issues we've been facing have nothing to do with our statuses. In my case, I have been separated almost two years and I'm expecting the divorce will be finalized by the end of the year, if not earlier. He has been separated even longer. Both our stbx's (I call my stbx an "ex" even though technically he's not yet, but we have the details of the divorce hammered out and are living as if we are legally split) have had relationships with others before my BF and I met. I waited over a year to even consider dating and I put very notably on my profile that I was separated. I know it cut down on the number of replies but I wanted to be honest up front. I had checked out of my marriage emotionally for a few years before I actually left so there hasn't been a lot of baggage to process... my situation is probably unusually amicable. My stbx and I always had friendship as a strong basis and we still have that. My BF seems to be fairly amicable as well with his dealing with his stbx. I've met her briefly and there was no venom spewed. Now our mutual statuses do slow things down a bit, but I don't think that's a bad thing...in fact I think it's a very very good thing. I don't want to make any big changes (e.g. moving in or closer to each other) until we are both divorced. If do remarry I plan to take a LONG time before even considering it, so that certainly isn't a problem. Marriage isn't really a goal of mine. Glad it working for you and it should work for me too.. Life changes so quickly though hard sometimes to play catch-up . Thanks for sharing you experiences on this subject. Too much doom was reported prior, I just don't like that, we separated individual need hope too!
FitChick Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I'm only dating for marriage so I wouldn't waste my time on someone separated or divorced for less than two years. Period. I think separated people should date each other because they are both looking for the same thing - fun!
oaks Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I think separated people should date each other because they are both looking for the same thing - fun! Sometimes we do! But your mind reading powers are failing.
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 I'd need more information to make an informed opinion. I checked your threads and didn't see anything current. IMO, the information on the particulars of the dynamic in this thread are insufficient for me to help. Perhaps you yourself have insufficient information, hence the thread However, I will comment generally.... If this is a 'first date', then, if the person seems otherwise interesting and attractive in your prior discourse, accept it and proceed with minimal expectations and healthy boundaries. You control your expectations and your boundaries. Myself, I'd expect, if the date is positive, to have an enjoyable time and engage in my normal heterosexual public behaviors with someone I don't know but find attractive. I tend to move 'slow' when dating. In this case, 'slow' would be augmented by listening and watching the other person's 'style' of relating about themselves and their M/LTR ex, etc. Does it match up with my boundaries/style? How was the synergy? Was the person proactively interested in my life. Etc, Etc. If enough signposts lined up to cause this first date to be a possibility, I'd go with it and see where it goes. It's only a few hours out of one day, at most. No obligations nor guarantees. It is what it is. I don't have much information actually. Those things sound like good issues to take note of. But I'm already scared of myself. This man better look hideous. He made me feel that he would really want me to go out with him, that he thinks we have chemistry. That I don't disagree. But from reading all these posts, I should really run.
Author i'mfaraway Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 One thing I've learned too... There is his side, her side, and then the truth. I'm always wary of people who trash their spouses. I picked mine. If I picked a loser, what does that make me? This, I agree. Yes, I've definitely come out of these relationships and have taken with me, good lessons learned. Each of the 3 guys I wrote about above, they all gave the very distinct impression/appearance that they had a good head on their shoulders, too. They all gave the impression that they had "dealt with their baggage", had worked through the gamete of feelings and were really "ready" for a new relationship. I feel that I really did pay careful attention to their words and actions during the honeymoon phase because I was admittedly cautious about whether they WERE really over their ex spouses/marriage. In all honesty, I think perhaps they weren't even fully aware of their real feelings about things until more time had passed so I can't really necessarily claim they were intentionally trying to dupe me. If you're just looking for some short-term fun, there's probably no issue here...but if you're looking for something serious/long-term, I'd reconsider. If he's only separated, he's still got a divorce to go through and once one spouse does file, that's when the sh*t can really hit the fan. That's when the finality of things becomes real and often the other spouse doesn't take it all that well. How long have they been separated? Do they have children? How long has he been married? Has he had a serious relationship since separating or would you be the first? I'll only have this information when I meet him. I only know that he has a kid. I'm only dating for marriage so I wouldn't waste my time on someone separated or divorced for less than two years. Period. I think separated people should date each other because they are both looking for the same thing - fun! Is it too late to back out of the date?
sillysmart Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Any guy who says he will explain in person means he probably is newly separated..and I am not kidding it may be less than a month. He wants to prepare what to say to convince you he is O.K. HE will LIE, LIE, LIE about the length, his feelings and the wife to convince you he is an o.k. risk. Why? Because he wants comfort and he knows anyone with any sense would not touch him with a 10 foot pole. So hey he is in pain, he is desperate. He NEEDS somebody..So what the hell. He did not promise you anything. But hey thats the problem in all these relationships. People sleep with each other, spend time get attached before they even really know someone? But you know what he isn't. A person separated long enough will have a divorce in process or feel very comfortable explaining it even over the phone. Its not that complicated, I have been legally separated blah, blah my divorce will be final blah, blah, blah or my divorce will not be final blah, blah...But in other words he has explained before and feels confident you will accept his answer. This guy sounds unprepared which means he is newly separated which means he is a mess, probably hurting and wants to use you as a bandaid to ease his pain. I say don't be used! He has nothing to give you and no it won't be fun. If he feels he can play the victim and you are the nurse then great. You might start to like him and think oh he will be grateful because I have been there for him through this. Hogwash, they don't say rebound for nothing. Secondly, he may decide to go back....remember he is only separated. Often times when someone is dating they can use the new person to wake up their spouse. Anyway...I know I am ranting...but really give him a break for what? He needs to be by himself with support of friends and family and not unload all his garbage on you, use you, feel better, go back to a spouse whatever and your left thinkin..wow this just sucked! Short answer no way on the separated guys. At minimum I don't care what they say find some way to verify at least one year for every 5 years of marriage or relationship etc. IF they have been on and off blah, blah, then it is definitely not over because they are really telling you that YOU will be the next "in between" Ha! I say call off the date. The other thing is he may have just left a wife and she thinks they are separated but together ya know? In other words they have different ideas about what separated means? Again expect them to lie. Too many guys out there why bother?
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Any guy who says he will explain in person means he probably is newly separated..and I am not kidding it may be less than a month. He wants to prepare what to say to convince you he is O.K. HE will LIE, LIE, LIE about the length, his feelings and the wife to convince you he is an o.k. risk. Why? Because he wants comfort and he knows anyone with any sense would not touch him with a 10 foot pole. So hey he is in pain, he is desperate. He NEEDS somebody..So what the hell. He did not promise you anything. But hey thats the problem in all these relationships. People sleep with each other, spend time get attached before they even really know someone? But you know what he isn't. A person separated long enough will have a divorce in process or feel very comfortable explaining it even over the phone. Its not that complicated, I have been legally separated blah, blah my divorce will be final blah, blah, blah or my divorce will not be final blah, blah...But in other words he has explained before and feels confident you will accept his answer. This guy sounds unprepared which means he is newly separated which means he is a mess, probably hurting and wants to use you as a bandaid to ease his pain. I say don't be used! He has nothing to give you and no it won't be fun. If he feels he can play the victim and you are the nurse then great. You might start to like him and think oh he will be grateful because I have been there for him through this. Hogwash, they don't say rebound for nothing. Secondly, he may decide to go back....remember he is only separated. Often times when someone is dating they can use the new person to wake up their spouse. Anyway...I know I am ranting...but really give him a break for what? He needs to be by himself with support of friends and family and not unload all his garbage on you, use you, feel better, go back to a spouse whatever and your left thinkin..wow this just sucked! Short answer no way on the separated guys. At minimum I don't care what they say find some way to verify at least one year for every 5 years of marriage or relationship etc. IF they have been on and off blah, blah, then it is definitely not over because they are really telling you that YOU will be the next "in between" Ha! I say call off the date. The other thing is he may have just left a wife and she thinks they are separated but together ya know? In other words they have different ideas about what separated means? Again expect them to lie. Too many guys out there why bother? ya know what i'mfaraway? The above does ring true in ALOT of ways. Two men who tried to get me into an affair situation told me they were separated. I told them no, and wow, amazing... they are back with the wife. The words in bold... and the fact he couldn't tell you clearly means some not good stuff is going on. It really isn't that hard to tell the truth over the phone or in email... not hard at all.
FitChick Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I dated a man who said he was separated. He wasn't lying. His wife wasn't on our date with us.
oaks Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Wow. Sounds like some of you have had some really bad experiences with separated men.
PinkInTheLimo Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I would not do it, not if you are 100% free yourself. I want there to be a "level playing field" = that you are both in the same situation. For starters, there are men who use the separated excuse in order to lure a woman in an affair. The ones that are truly separated are often so fragile that they just use you as a kind of therapist. And once you have built them up, they will dump you for another woman. They just want a quick fix because nothing scares them more than being confronted with their own company. I don't want to date a man whose divorce is not final and who has not lived by himself for a while. I also think that you give a wrong message when you as a single person date a separated man. You basically tell him that a separated man is good enough for you. How will he then ever respect you?
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