My Epic Fall

[guiltyandlost]

Greetings, I'm a bit lost. My search engine for infidelity directed me to this site, I am new here and still trying to process the occurrences and determine how to proceed. I have been married for ten years we have one child. My husband is a good man but not the brightest. That didn't bother me too much. We have a great marriage, we are supportive of each other, have many friends. My husband was my high school boyfriend and we grew up in a small town. We went to undergraduate school together. We both applied to law school, but only I got in. We were engaged before I left to a large city for college. He had intended to go with me. We moved to the large city, and after one week, he got homesick, broke off the engagement, and left. Of course, I was devastated. He had been my only boyfriend. In college, there was a classmate who broke things off with his fiancé before he left because he felt bad about being away and wanted her to be free to decide about waiting for him. The classmate was the class' most handsome brilliant and eligible bachelor. We began dating which was difficult for both of us. We got very close and serious. We even talked about going into business as partners after graduation. Things moved along and I had overheard him saying he wanted to ask to get engaged to me. I was very excited and called up my old friends. Being from a small town, word traveled faster than lightening. My old fiancé heard of course, so he packed up, moved to the big city, rented an apartment, got a job, and basically got me back with his continued persistence. The girls in college told me I was nuts for breaking up with the most eligible bachelor for my good-hearted small-town former fiancé but I did. My classmate then became re-engaged to his former fiancé a few months later. Fast forward fourteen years and one child later, I am at a continuing education conference out west. I run into my old flame and the sparks fly. We are flirting, sexting each other, sending revealing sexy pictures to each other with our smartphones, etc. We 'hookup' for one night only. We always had great chemistry together and i really missed intimacy. He is married and has two children of his own. We agreed to swear each other to secrecy, and not to ever do it again. You see his wife used to be a beautiful Helen of Troy looking girl but she packed on some weight and stopped giving him any sex. My husband stopped having sex with me one year ago and I keep myself looking fit... I am no Megan Fox but i take care of myself. I was completely overwhelmingly sexually frustrated because I have to beg for sex from my husband. I truly believe being completely sexually-deprived and frustrated makes people do irrational things....It is horribly frustrating to be with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you!!! Okay, before I sound too cold, there is another factor. Five years ago I was battling a life-threatening condition. We had a young toddler and the docs were not sure if I was going to make it. This was hard on my husband he thought I may die. When my friend brought me home from the hospital, my husband had just returned from a business trip. As I was unpacking his suitcase, I found some condoms. My husband had had a vasectomy two years ago, he didn't need to use condoms. When he came home I confronted him about it. He looked very distracted, said they must have been in there from years ago but I know those things have expiration dates and they looked pretty fresh. I let it go but asked again about it a couple years later. He looked very guilty but denied it. I let it go because I thought it was probably hard on him, he almost lost me and I couldn't be there for him physically. I felt if he felt it necessary to escape, I would understand and just be better off letting it go unsaid. Well now I sit here.... feeling guilty and self-loathing. I know I can only blame myself for my actions. I realize I was selfish and I am remorseful....I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the sex. It was great not having to beg for it for once. I am not promiscuous, I have only been with the two men mentioned in my entire life. I think that may be unusual in the present climate of society. My husband has a heart of gold, but we live like roommates instead of lovers. I was missing the intimacy. If I would have known I was entering into an agreement with someone that wouldn't share intimacy with me later in life, I don't think I would have entered into the agreement at all. I have been praying about this and am not sure whether to tell or not to tell. Maybe it is best left unsaid. Thoughts?

Edited September 18, 2011 by guiltyandlost

[2long]

As you're discovering (it should be obvious, since you are a lawyer), cheating on your spouses and then promising 2 keep your lies a secret only lets things get worse.

 

You say that intimacy is missing in your marriages and that your H may have cheated on you when you were sick, but until these things are fully out in the open (where you talk 2 YOUR spouse about YOUR maritial problems, not someone else's spouse!), things will continue 2 get worse.

 

I have no idea whether you can better your marriages or not, but I do know that you can make them a whole lot worse by continuing doing what you're doing.

 

best,

-ol' 2long

[guiltyandlost]

Thank you 2long. I do concur. Ya know I've been doing some reading over here this morning and it has become obvious we need MC. If we can survive a near terminal condition 2gether, we should be able to survive this too.

[guiltyandlost]

Thank you Doo I appreciate your help. Maybe we will end up divorced, but I will schedule us for MC first. We have a kid to think about (yes i should have considered that be4 i did what i did) Everything else in our business partnership is fine. We have a very functional & productive loving household and i don't wish to change that....i just have a hard time dealing with the lack of intimacy...Maybe that's the hand I've been dealt and i just have to deal....

[manup]

So basically you've hit a rough spot in your marriage and you're using that to justify sleeping with your ex. So in your small world a night of sex meant more than a functioning household for your kid and more than your highschool sweetheart who stood by you when you were sick? You have odd priorities. Me and sex>everything else. Hilarious

[Bryanp]

You owe your spouse the truth. You put your spouse at risk for STD's whether you used condoms or not. Your marriage is now built on a foundation of lies and deceit. The only way to begin to salvage your marriage is to have it be built on trust and honesty. The choice is yours. You totally disrespected your marriage and husband by sleeping with another man behind his back. You continue to disrespect him by refusing to tell him the truth that he has right to know. Truth and honesty versus lies and deceit. The choice is yours and this will define you down deep what kind of person you really are. I wish you luck.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Funny I am not upset you cheated and frankly your husband has a number of issues if he thinks living as room mates in your 30's is okay.

 

I know you are going to get many on here telling you how wrong you are and how dare you you cheat and there is no excuse.

 

You need to communicate, no male can be that stoopid to think it is okay to have no intimacy in a marriage.

 

It is interesting how you have justified your AP's cheating that his wife has put on weight and she won't have sex with him. Geez isn't that always the case.

 

But the back story and how little regard you have your husband needs to be further investigated.

 

My husband is a good man but not the brightest.

 

We both applied to law school, but only I got in. We were engaged before I left to a large city for college. He had intended to go with me. We moved to the large city, and after one week, he got homesick, broke off the engagement, and left.

 

Then you talk about this other guy like a lovesick school girl discussing how he was the greatest, handsomest, successful person ever who you left when your old boyfriend returned.

 

Heck you claimed he was going to propose.... He didn't and let you go then.

 

Sounds like you think you settled and have never got over it. Add to that you have never fully discussed the "business trip".

 

Yes lots of IC and MC is needed.

Edited September 18, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Osiris1234]

We are flirting, sexting each other, sending revealing sexy pictures to each other with our smartphones, etc. We 'hookup' for one night only. We always had great chemistry together and i really missed intimacy. He is married and has two children of his own. We agreed to swear each other to secrecy, and not to ever do it again.

 

You need to drop it with this guy NOW, right NOW. Tell him that your going to try and make it work between you and your husband and that he needs to give you space and that NOTHING can happen between you anymore, EVER, so tell him you can no longer stay in touch.

[guiltyandlost]

Thank you, we have MC booked 4 tommorrow. TDP, I respectfully disagree with one of your statements.... I don't believe I settled, I married up, it is now obvious that I married someone a lot better than myself.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Thank you, we have MC booked 4 tommorrow. TDP, I respectfully disagree with one of your statements.... I don't believe I settled, I married up, it is now obvious that I married someone a lot better than myself.

 

not once have I read one stating in the second sentence that her spouse "was not the brightest". Then you continue to explain how you got into Law School, he did not. From there you describe the OM as basically a demi-god, who was to propose to you, but never did.

 

The sad part is your husband abandoned you for a business trip while you were in the hospital and almost died (friend brought you home) and may or may not have cheated and now you are in a sexless marriage.

 

Geez be honest with yourself and all these unresolved issues.

 

Best of luck......

[Mme. Chaucer]

Your stories will have a lot more impact and responses if you use paragraphs.

[serial muse]

Greetings, I'm a bit lost. My search engine for infidelity directed me to this site, I am new here and still trying to process the occurrences and determine how to proceed. I have been married for ten years we have one child. My husband is a good man but not the brightest. That didn't bother me too much. We have a great marriage, we are supportive of each other, have many friends. My husband was my high school boyfriend and we grew up in a small town. We went to undergraduate school together. We both applied to law school, but only I got in. We were engaged before I left to a large city for college. He had intended to go with me. We moved to the large city, and after one week, he got homesick, broke off the engagement, and left. Of course, I was devastated. He had been my only boyfriend. In college, there was a classmate who broke things off with his fiancé before he left because he felt bad about being away and wanted her to be free to decide about waiting for him. The classmate was the class' most handsome brilliant and eligible bachelor. We began dating which was difficult for both of us. We got very close and serious. We even talked about going into business as partners after graduation. Things moved along and I had overheard him saying he wanted to ask to get engaged to me. I was very excited and called up my old friends. Being from a small town, word traveled faster than lightening. My old fiancé heard of course, so he packed up, moved to the big city, rented an apartment, got a job, and basically got me back with his continued persistence. The girls in college told me I was nuts for breaking up with the most eligible bachelor for my good-hearted small-town former fiancé but I did. My classmate then became re-engaged to his former fiancé a few months later. Fast forward fourteen years and one child later, I am at a continuing education conference out west. I run into my old flame and the sparks fly. We are flirting, sexting each other, sending revealing sexy pictures to each other with our smartphones, etc. We 'hookup' for one night only. We always had great chemistry together and i really missed intimacy. He is married and has two children of his own. We agreed to swear each other to secrecy, and not to ever do it again. You see his wife used to be a beautiful Helen of Troy looking girl but she packed on some weight and stopped giving him any sex. My husband stopped having sex with me one year ago and I keep myself looking fit... I am no Megan Fox but i take care of myself. I was completely overwhelmingly sexually frustrated because I have to beg for sex from my husband. I truly believe being completely sexually-deprived and frustrated makes people do irrational things....It is horribly frustrating to be with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you!!! Okay, before I sound too cold, there is another factor. Five years ago I was battling a life-threatening condition. We had a young toddler and the docs were not sure if I was going to make it. This was hard on my husband he thought I may die. When my friend brought me home from the hospital, my husband had just returned from a business trip. As I was unpacking his suitcase, I found some condoms. My husband had had a vasectomy two years ago, he didn't need to use condoms. When he came home I confronted him about it. He looked very distracted, said they must have been in there from years ago but I know those things have expiration dates and they looked pretty fresh. I let it go but asked again about it a couple years later. He looked very guilty but denied it. I let it go because I thought it was probably hard on him, he almost lost me and I couldn't be there for him physically. I felt if he felt it necessary to escape, I would understand and just be better off letting it go unsaid. Well now I sit here.... feeling guilty and self-loathing. I know I can only blame myself for my actions. I realize I was selfish and I am remorseful....I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the sex. It was great not having to beg for it for once. I am not promiscuous, I have only been with the two men mentioned in my entire life. I think that may be unusual in the present climate of society. My husband has a heart of gold, but we live like roommates instead of lovers. I was missing the intimacy. If I would have known I was entering into an agreement with someone that wouldn't share intimacy with me later in life, I don't think I would have entered into the agreement at all. I have been praying about this and am not sure whether to tell or not to tell. Maybe it is best left unsaid. Thoughts?

 

I too thought it was jarring when you said he wasn't the brightest. That's a pretty hostile thing to say, actually. I think you still have a lot of anger at him because he may have cheated, and that has never been resolved.

 

It was also jarring when you said in a later response that he's too good for you. I'm not sure, based on everything you wrote here, that you really believe that. For one thing, he may have cheated too. For another, your post doesn't really indicate a lot of respect for him. I'm sure you feel guilt because you cheated (as yes, you should) - but it's quite obvious that that's not the end of the story. How in touch are you with what you really feel about your husband?

 

Only you know for sure whether you were acting out due to anger, but one thing is clear: Things are really not good with your husband and I'm glad you're going to MC as a starting point. It sounds to me like there are a LOT of secrets that you and your husband have from each other, and you have a lot to talk about. For example - you have never said whether he gave a reason WHY he's not having sex with you anymore.

 

In the meantime, this ex is NOT the answer. It may be that your marriage isn't going to survive - there do seem to be an awful lot of issues that you will have to deal with, and I get the sense that communication is not at all good between you (and maybe never has been?). But for now, you are still married and are not about to divorce. So do due diligence, focus on the marriage and only the marriage, and try to understand what all these strong undercurrents are doing to you both.

 

There's clearly a lot going on here that needs to be brought into the light.

[drifter777]

If your husband is unwilling to satisfy your sexual/closeness needs and really doesn't want to change than you need to divorce him and start your life over. You should have done this BEFORE screwing the OM, but it sounds like your relationship is not repairable so tell him now.

 

Many people don't have the guts to end their miserable marriage so they start screwing around (literally) because deep down they believe this will finally seal the deal. You are getting what you want so accept it and let your husband go so he too can have a chance at happiness.

[country_gurl]

guiltyandlost:

 

It puzzles me that nowhere in your posts do you indicate that you've ever had an open and frank discussion with your husband about *why* he doesn't want intimacy with you. Have you ever actually asked him? If so, what did he say?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

For heaven's sake, DON'T tell...

 

 

You of all people have to know with relative certainty that the only other person who knows of your dalliance has every reason NOT to want you to 'tell' on him.

 

All that matters in situations of "telling" or "not telling" is whether there is reasonable chance that your partner might find out from other sources before learning the truth from you.

 

 

Additionally, in your case, the both of you (are) being so unfairly treated by your respective spouses, where it concerns sexual intimacy, that you each just about warrant the green light for reasons of 'spousal neglect'.

 

That situation would have been a powerful lure in any case, but when both were currently being neglected at home it stood to be a powderkeg.

 

Lastly, if you find yourself itching to "tell"... it will only be as incentive for your husband to break-off the relationship, because you are at that point too weak to initiate the break-up yourself.

 

(you can always 'tell' him - you can never 'un-tell' him)