flower_petal Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Hi there. I'll try and make this brief but the details are important. So I've recently started seeing a guy. When we met he was in a relationship with a woman he'd been with for 5 years. I am 25, he is 26 (so not young teens!) We have been seeing each other at parties (we have mutual friends) for a couple of months and became close. We also spent a lot of time IM each other which turned into phone calls and late night chats. We obviously got on really well and soon admitted that we liked one another. Nothing ever happened between us, no kissing, intimacies, no 'going out alone'. Things cooled a little between us. I was aware he was still in a relationship and didn't want to be involved in what could turn out to be a messy break-up. I received a message from a friend a week or so after things 'cooled' to tell me that said guy had separated from his girlfriend and he would no doubt get in touch. It was a day or two before he called but he did and told me the relationship had ended. Subsequently, we ended up going for a drink and a chat. He also called round to my house a few times in the evening to drink wine, watch movies, that sort of thing. We were kissing by this point but still, no intimacies. It was about a fortnight after they split that I noticed he went a little funny. Things started running away with us (we were seeing each other every night) and soon I sensed he was 'cooling' on me. A mutual friend of ours messaged me to say he had spoken to 'this guy' and he had mentioned that he "didn't want a relationship" so soon after splitting from his ex. This I can totally understand/appreciate. It had only been 2 weeks and they had been together 5 years!! I too had just come out of a 4 year relationship 6 months before meeting 'guy'. He came round to my home a little less (2 nights a week perhaps) and soon we were getting carried away. Although we have never been intimate we were getting exceptionally close and I felt I need to make the point that I was not going to be his FWB. We never really managed to discuss it thoroughly but I did text him later that evening to say that I didn't want casual sex. Things cooled over the next few days until we hadn't spoken for a week! It has now been 4 weeks since the split from his ex. We ended up bumping into each other yesterday out shopping and last night went for a drink and a chat. He said that he liked me a lot but the timing was all wrong. He had been in an intense relationship for 5 years and needed a bit of breathing space. He was adamant that he didn't want a relationship right now. I asked him if there would be one in the future and he simply said he wasn't thinking that far ahead. I was honest and said I believed that 'dating' was what we both needed. We needed to get to know each other better, be very good friends and therefore meaning that he could have breathing space, no pressure but be able to get to know me and see how things went. I'm perfectly happy to just 'see how things go'. But sex complicates the matter. If we were to do that I wouldn't want to think he'd be off with others under the cover of 'being single'. He said he wouldn't do that, it would just be me, but he didn't want a relationship. I really don't know what to think of things. I like him a lot and I believe he likes me too. Am I being a bit OTT given he only separated a month ago? Do I need to be a bit more understanding and give him space? Should I stop seeing him altogether? I told him people who say they don't want a relationship mean they just don't want a relationship with YOU. He said that wasn't the case at all. My heart says give him time but my head says this could drag on for years!
Author flower_petal Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 BUMP - opinions desperately needed!
FitChick Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I'm too busy to read the whole, long block of text. Bottom line it. Cut to the chase. Make a long story short. You will get more replies.
motive2002 Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I read the whole block. From what you've said, he wants sex no strings attached. If that's not what you want from this guy then you are at an impass. Plus this has rebound written all over it. Keep your options open. If he doesn't want a relationship, then you're free to date other people. If you don't want casual sex or FWB, stick with your standards. I've "really liked" someone before, and the circumstances weren't what I wanted. Had to move on. That's all I can think of right now.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 That "block" of text is NOT offensively long. My best perception of the details suggests that it truly IS mere timing that has thrown things awry. I'm glad that you expressed yourself on the subject of casual sex. The fact that your 'friend' knew that he 'would no doubt get in touch' with you, AND that he DID so... was quite telling. Additionally, that you were both appropriate in backing-off while he was in a relationship, says something positive as well. Any unprovoked contact with you, on his part, doubly assures his interest IN you... so make a mental chart of that over the next few weeks/months. I can only imagine his having exited an adult relationship of 5 years duration only to find himself still early enough in his 20's to wonder how it is out there socially, suddenly without having the bonds he'd known since about the time he was old enough to get into clubs, etc. MOST likely, one of you will land another relationship before you can act upon one another... but short of that, I would certainly suggest that he's interested, YET that the newfound lack-of-attachment IS something he is reflexively wanting to investigate. Time is your ally...
grkBoy Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I did text him later that evening to say that I didn't want casual sex. Things cooled over the next few days until we hadn't spoken for a week! There's your answer...he wanted casual sex. I even think this "getting to know you" thing is mainly about him trying to lure you into bed. He just got off a 5-year RL, and while he might have the propensity to commit, I think he's more looking to live it up. I would not be surprised if he simply back-burnered you and is out seeking someone who will put out. Sorry to be blunt, but you're hoping to find a boyfriend in a guy who right now apparently wants to be unattached for a while.
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