Do you stay for the kids?

[mzdolphin]

I wouldn't believe him about this being the first time he had an affair. He seems to be a highly skilled liar.

 

I don't believe his wife said all that. With guys, the more they talk, the more you know they are lying.

 

Another clue, when they speak in third person.

[heartinlove]

I wouldn't believe him about this being the first time he had an affair. He seems to be a highly skilled liar.

 

I don't believe his wife said all that. With guys, the more they talk, the more you know they are lying.

 

Another clue, when they speak in third person.

 

These kind of comments i find so unhelpful. We are the best of friends. I know for sure everything he has told me is the truth. I understand its hard for some of you to believe as you do not know him, but its helpful to get advice on what i have said happened.

[heartinlove]

agree

 

 

 

totally agree

 

 

 

Again, you are believing his words. Has his wife called you? Does he call his wife in front of you and tell her he is with you?

 

Do you two expect her to just lay down and say "let me rearrange MY life for you two since you are so in love?" Don't you think she has put up with enough of YOU TWO deciding how HER life should be?

 

Why oh why are these cheating parents suddenly so concerned for their kids when the word DIVORCE is thrown out? Where was his concern while he was in the affair with you? How many times did he miss out on helping with homework, baths, bedtime, etc because he was off having sex with you? How is he being a dad when he is constantly texting or calling you instead of paying attention to his children?

 

Maybe just maybe by getting a divorce he will actually be a BETTER father; that he will actually spend MORE time with them when he has them for visitation? Because no matter what baloney he tells you, he has rights as a father. He can stop her from moving UNLESS she convinces a judge she MUST move and PROVE she can only find work in another location. It irritates me so dang much when these cheating parents use their children as an excuse. He didn't give a darn about his kids when he was in the affair; now why is there concern for them??????

 

Is he finally realizing how much child support he will have to pay? Is that the concern? That's the concern for a lot of me

 

Why would your affair stop now? I mean, the marriage didn't stop the affair prior to the alleged "I want to leave" conversation. You two have carried on for how long? So why stop now? If she knows, and is okay with it, why end things? I mean, you guys are in love right? You fell in love while he was married, why can't you stay in love and continue the affair?

 

I am always stunned at how the affair partner gets all pissy about the betrayed spouse's reaction and the fact that the betrayed spouse doesn't lay down and get walked all over. WHERE was his concern for HIS CHILDREN when he was having an affair?????

 

Again a million assumptions. No time or attention was taken from his children. It would be great to get feedback based on what I shared, not on a bunch of made up facts.

[Spark1111]

FBS here....

 

How old are the children? That's a key consideration for a mother who is trying to decide if she will undergo this scenario to preserve her brood and give them everything to secure a future.

 

Mothers are masters at self-sacrifice for the sake of the kids. It's primal and evolutionary. Does she too work?

 

It seems as if she asked him to take time making this decision and twice in a matter of days, he told her he would and then he told her he won't.

 

That says to me that sometimes, he is lucid and agreeing with her demands, but then turns on a dime a few days later to announce he is leaving to be with you.

 

That is crazy making for a woman, a mother, trying to take the high road and gain time from the father of her children before drastic, leaving, I'm in love with another, packing my bags today, happens a few days later.

 

Does it smack of manipulation to threaten taking the children away? Sure it does.

 

But do you understand she is trying to assess that HE IS SURE of his decision to divorce before the children are subjected to complete upheaval because of his relationship with YOU?

 

I do. She wants to be completely sure he is committed to this huge life change (DIVORCE) before they proceed.

 

She is seeing flip-flopping in the extreme. She, I believe, is not convinced he is 100% assured of his decisions. You are seeing it too, but he is blaming her for it.

 

She will not subject her children to the breaking apart of their lives, until HE is confidently asserting it is over between them FOR GOOD.

 

Everytime he waffles, vacillitates, in his words or action regarding divorce, she grows less confident that this is what HE truly wants, so she is using methods to snap a confident decision out of him. He says he will wait, a few days later he says he is out.

 

When HE makes up his mind convincingly and it galvanizes an ACTION out of him, like filing for divorce, she will concede and go into damage control with their children.

 

I agree with many of the posters who advised you to bow out for a while.

 

As a FBS, I wanted to inform you that I was prepared to be D and for us all to move on.

 

HE was the one who put the breaks on, and I saw all of a sudden that it may not have been what HE truly wanted. I was so confused by his indecisivness. Isn't this what YOU wanted, to be with your OW?

 

Be careful here.

[heartinlove]

FBS here....

 

That says to me that sometimes, he is lucid and agreeing with her demands, but then turns on a dime a few days later to announce he is leaving to be with you.

 

That is crazy making for a woman, a mother, trying to take the high road and gain time from the father of her children before drastic, leaving, I'm in love with another, packing my bags today, happens a few days later.

 

Does it smack of manipulation to threaten taking the children away? Sure it does.

 

But do you understand she is trying to assess that HE IS SURE of his decision to divorce before the children are subjected to complete upheaval because of his relationship with YOU?

 

I do. She wants to be completely sure he is committed to this huge life change (DIVORCE) before they proceed.

 

She is seeing flip-flopping in the extreme. She, I believe, is not convinced he is 100% assured of his decisions. You are seeing it too, but he is blaming her for it.

 

She will not subject her children to the breaking apart of their lives, until HE is confidently asserting it is over between them FOR GOOD.

 

Everytime he waffles, vacillitates, in his words or action regarding divorce, she grows less confident that this is what HE truly wants, so she is using methods to snap a confident decision out of him. He says he will wait, a few days later he says he is out.

 

When HE makes up his mind convincingly and it galvanizes an ACTION out of him, like filing for divorce, she will concede and go into damage control with their children.

 

I agree with many of the posters who advised you to bow out for a while.

 

As a FBS, I wanted to inform you that I was prepared to be D and for us all to move on.

 

HE was the one who put the breaks on, and I saw all of a sudden that it may not have been what HE truly wanted. I was so confused by his indecisivness. Isn't this what YOU wanted, to be with your OW?

 

Be careful here.

 

Thanks Spark. Your post is really helpful. I didn't quite see it from that perspective, but you make many great points. He doesn't blame her for his indecision. He does own up to that it is his indecision. He is very conflicted over whether its right to put his children through a divorce, and he goes back and forth on that. Maybe youre right though, in that she also sees his waffling and is not convinced he's 100% so she tries to get a clear answer. This is probably crazy making for her too. What was confusing for me was it sounded like she came to a place where she agreed to give him space to make a choice. When he then told her his choice which was to leave, she took back all of the offers to help the kids transition, and then his choice changed to staying. I would think at this point she too would just want a decision. At the end of the day, what at this point is creating even more pain for everyone is his inability to make a decision and stick to it.

 

What helped your husband end his indecisiveness? Did he ever say he was in love with the other woman? I really appreciate your feedback.

 

It is too hard on my heart to feel he is clear about his choice and then he changes course again. I am starting to believe that this is an impossible situation and that he is truly not capable of making a decision and staying the course. That is why I have to make a decision and let go and let it work its way to whatever conclusion it will without me in the picture, even if all we were doing was speaking to each other at times and processing everything.

[mzdolphin]

These kind of comments i find so unhelpful. We are the best of friends. I know for sure everything he has told me is the truth. I understand its hard for some of you to believe as you do not know him, but its helpful to get advice on what i have said happened.

 

Me and my exMM were the best of friends too. I understand the position you are taking, as you know him and we don't. But also understand this is a forum for OW, many who have gone through what you are going through. And for some of us, we wouldn't be truly being supportive if we didn't warn you of red flags we see.

 

What may be "helpful" may not be what you want to hear. If you only want feedback from those who see your point of view, state that in the original post.

[oldguy]

I do not know where you live, but in my part of the world just picking up your kids a leaving isn't going to be up to her entirely. Besides; it sounds like she is understandably pissed off but if she is going to try to use the kids as tool of revenge, the courts need to get involved. The best scenario is of course to come to mutual agreements so the courts do not have to make agreements for them.

 

As for staying or leaving for the sake of the children I will say this; children learn what they see. That should pretty much sum it up. He has already been a poor example to his children by cheating on their mother so to remain there with all the complications that would bring would be another poor example for them to grow up with.

 

He will still be his children's father, they will be a part of his life & his soon to be ex's forever. That is the reality you have to realize. He will also still be responsible for child support at the very least.

 

This affair stuff isn't that cut & dry, you, him, the children, the ex & someday her new husband or bf will all be part of each others lives for a very long, long time.

[SidLyon]

which tends to mean your affair was held during work hours only so how much of a relationship do you really have with this man? Have you slept cuddles next to him multiple nights or you sneak out during breafast and lunch hours and the occasional supper?

 

He's staying for the kids. That means you need to leave. Not for him, not for his kids or his wife but for you, you are in a dead end relationship with a cheating man.

 

I have no idea whether or not the OP's affair was a "lunch time affair".

 

However from my own, admittedly limited and anecdotal experience, the lunch time affairs are least likely to survive a transition to a full time relationship. I suspect this is because the MM has been able to compartmentalise to a great degree.

 

My H's affair while lasting several years was strictly a lunch time only affair. When it came to light he definitely did not want our marriage to end.

 

I expect in an ideal world (for him) he would have liked to continue the lunchtime A and marriage for a very long time. The OW presumably would have allowed this.

[Spark1111]

Thanks Spark. Your post is really helpful. I didn't quite see it from that perspective, but you make many great points. He doesn't blame her for his indecision. He does own up to that it is his indecision. He is very conflicted over whether its right to put his children through a divorce, and he goes back and forth on that. Maybe youre right though, in that she also sees his waffling and is not convinced he's 100% so she tries to get a clear answer. This is probably crazy making for her too. What was confusing for me was it sounded like she came to a place where she agreed to give him space to make a choice. When he then told her his choice which was to leave, she took back all of the offers to help the kids transition, and then his choice changed to staying. I would think at this point she too would just want a decision. At the end of the day, what at this point is creating even more pain for everyone is his inability to make a decision and stick to it.

 

What helped your husband end his indecisiveness? Did he ever say he was in love with the other woman? I really appreciate your feedback.

 

It is too hard on my heart to feel he is clear about his choice and then he changes course again. I am starting to believe that this is an impossible situation and that he is truly not capable of making a decision and staying the course. That is why I have to make a decision and let go and let it work its way to whatever conclusion it will without me in the picture, even if all we were doing was speaking to each other at times and processing everything.

 

About the bolded: I think he had her convinced that I didn't love him. Hell, he had convinced himself of it. Who knows why. There wasn't a friend or family member who would have agreed with his assessment.

 

My reaction at DDay was soooo emotional. I was devastated. I think the OW, for the first time, intuited this is NOT the reaction of an uncaring woman.

 

While supportive, too supportive, she started to back away a bit. I do not believe her intention was to become embroiled in our mess. I do not believe she thought there would be ANY mess.

 

I had thrown him out and refused to have anything to do with him.

 

Did he love her? Yes, I believe he thought he did. It's why I wished him well, agreed to move amicably towards divorce and told our children to treat both him and her with respect.

 

They inisisted on talking with him, and DID give him a piece of their minds. He went back to her and told her it was a "set up" masterminded by me. NOTHING could have been further from the truth.

 

Honestly? She distanced herself but stayed in contact with him as a "friend," and I refused to speak of anything other than the kids.

 

It pushed him off the fence. For the LONGEST time, I think he wanted both and was just trying and lying to all to maintain a lover on the side, and the happy home life.

 

I wasn't having it. And it is why I so espouse NC to both BS and OW/OM. If forces clarity and a decision.

 

I mean, who in their right mind wants to be the fallback woman? Not me. Not ever.

[heartinlove]

I have no idea whether or not the OP's affair was a "lunch time affair".

 

However from my own, admittedly limited and anecdotal experience, the lunch time affairs are least likely to survive a transition to a full time relationship. I suspect this is because the MM has been able to compartmentalise to a great degree.

 

My H's affair while lasting several years was strictly a lunch time only affair. When it came to light he definitely did not want our marriage to end.

 

I expect in an ideal world (for him) he would have liked to continue the lunchtime A and marriage for a very long time. The OW presumably would have allowed this.

 

Mine isn't a lunch time affair. We both have flexible jobs and saw each other often and we've been friends for a long time. After the first d-day we did our best to not see each other until he was truly available and made a decision. We did talk on the phone throughout the day for many hours of the days, so we have been very connected throughout all of this.

 

The pattern has been that he would get to a place that he is clear he is ready to end the marriage. Then he would wait for the right timing to end it. In his words and mind he also believed we would have a future together. When he then gets close to ending it and walking out the door, he then gives into his fears and can't go through with it as the thought of telling the children and actually leaving his home where his children sleep just overwhelms him. That is where he is now.

 

I have always been understanding and supportive of whatever he chooses and when he tells me he can't go through with it, I let him be. Ultimately, I want him to make his choice without any pressure from me. Then soon after he comes back, telling me how in love with me he is and he is just scared and then the cycle starts again. He has said many times if there were no children involved this would be an easy decision. Given that there are children involved he wrestles with should he give his wife another chance to see if they can find a connection for the sake of his children.

 

I really do understand his dilemma. I have been very supportive of him really answering that question internally of whether there really is no hope for their marriage before he leaves. But I also see how staying connected to me, and talking to me, doesn't give him the opportunity 100% to really say for sure his marriage is not salvagable. Its just when we have tried a million times to say we won't talk to each other we miss each other horribly and then give in. This time we both need to be strong, because I do see the wisdom of us not talking during this time.

[heartinlove]

Me and my exMM were the best of friends too. I understand the position you are taking, as you know him and we don't. But also understand this is a forum for OW, many who have gone through what you are going through. And for some of us, we wouldn't be truly being supportive if we didn't warn you of red flags we see.

 

What may be "helpful" may not be what you want to hear. If you only want feedback from those who see your point of view, state that in the original post.

 

No offense. I know you are just offering your help.

[heartinlove]

About the bolded: I think he had her convinced that I didn't love him. Hell, he had convinced himself of it. Who knows why. There wasn't a friend or family member who would have agreed with his assessment.

 

My reaction at DDay was soooo emotional. I was devastated. I think the OW, for the first time, intuited this is NOT the reaction of an uncaring woman.

 

While supportive, too supportive, she started to back away a bit. I do not believe her intention was to become embroiled in our mess. I do not believe she thought there would be ANY mess.

 

I had thrown him out and refused to have anything to do with him.

 

Did he love her? Yes, I believe he thought he did. It's why I wished him well, agreed to move amicably towards divorce and told our children to treat both him and her with respect.

 

They inisisted on talking with him, and DID give him a piece of their minds. He went back to her and told her it was a "set up" masterminded by me. NOTHING could have been further from the truth.

 

Honestly? She distanced herself but stayed in contact with him as a "friend," and I refused to speak of anything other than the kids.

 

It pushed him off the fence. For the LONGEST time, I think he wanted both and was just trying and lying to all to maintain a lover on the side, and the happy home life.

 

I wasn't having it. And it is why I so espouse NC to both BS and OW/OM. If forces clarity and a decision.

 

I mean, who in their right mind wants to be the fallback woman? Not me. Not ever.

 

Wow. You are very wise in how you handled that. I commend you for staying true to yourself and at the same time how you handled it with your children and your husband in that you offered an amicable divorce. Then you know for sure he chose you from a clear space. How long was he on the fence?

 

I agree. I would never want to be the fallback woman. I would never want a man from pressuring him to be with me or from guilt. Deep down I would always feel not chosen. Who wants that.

 

I have to say I really appreciate your feedback and Sid's since you are both on the BS side of all of this as it helps me understand her perspective.

[heartinlove]

I think it is the characterization OP and MM are putting on the wife's actions that is off.

 

It sounds like perhaps the wife is willing to let him go if that is what he wants. It sounds like she has said she will do what she can to help maintain his relationship with the children and that she has told him she will be fair.

 

It also sounds like perhaps there are just some realities that go along with splitting up the family that MM does not want to face.

 

When I separated from my husband I had been a SAHM for awhile. I told him he would have access to our child (I meant it). I told him I wouldn't block visits or bad mouth him (I meant it). I told him that I didn't want any spousal support and that he and I would work out child support (I meant it). I told him that he was a great father and our child adored him and I didn't want anything to change that (I meant it). But he also knew that since our family had recently moved across the country, away from our extended family and my former job a divorce meant that I would have to (at least in the short term) move back to where we had lived previously to get support from my extended family and to reboot my career.

 

Now he could have easily told his OW that I was threatening to take our child away but the truth is, I was just dealing with the reality of the consequences of a divorce in our particular situation.

 

Maybe MM's wife is also just dealing with the reality of what divorce means in their situation. No manipulation. Just reality. And just because that reality doesn't line up with the fantasy, idealized scenario you and he would like to happen that doesn't mean the wife is being manipulative.

 

I just read your post. I missed it the first time. I can see their maybe alot of truth to what you said. I was just questioning whether it was a manipulation on her part, but perhaps it is more just looking at reality. I'd like to believe the best about her.

[whichwayisup]

I really do understand his dilemma. I have been very supportive of him really answering that question internally of whether there really is no hope for their marriage before he leaves. But I also see how staying connected to me, and talking to me, doesn't give him the opportunity 100% to really say for sure his marriage is not salvagable

 

So, there is only one thing to do..Step away and let him go. If he has a chance to truly fix his marriage, give it one last shot, to keep his family together, allow him that, don't stand in his way. Those kids should have both of their parents together, especially if their marriage IS infact fixable and salvagable.. As hard as it may be to do, you gotta let him go.. He wasn't yours to begin with.

[mzdolphin]

About the bolded: I think he had her convinced that I didn't love him. Hell, he had convinced himself of it. Who knows why. There wasn't a friend or family member who would have agreed with his assessment.

 

My reaction at DDay was soooo emotional. I was devastated. I think the OW, for the first time, intuited this is NOT the reaction of an uncaring woman.

 

------------------

 

Honestly? She distanced herself but stayed in contact with him as a "friend," and I refused to speak of anything other than the kids.

 

It pushed him off the fence. For the LONGEST time, I think he wanted both and was just trying and lying to all to maintain a lover on the side, and the happy home life.

 

I wasn't having it. And it is why I so espouse NC to both BS and OW/OM. If forces clarity and a decision.

 

I mean, who in their right mind wants to be the fallback woman? Not me. Not ever.

 

I couldn't agree more. I think you will find that men like this remain in gray areas and ride the fence in other areas of their lives. NC is best for all parties involved. Who wants to live on the fence? If NC by wife makes hubby wake up fly straight, great! If NC by OW makes hubby get off the fence and get a divorce, even that is better than living in limbo. And most importantly, when you initiate NC, you take control of your life. You can't control how the other person will react, but at least you stop your life from going out of control.

[MissBee]

About the bolded: I think he had her convinced that I didn't love him. Hell, he had convinced himself of it. Who knows why. There wasn't a friend or family member who would have agreed with his assessment.

 

My reaction at DDay was soooo emotional. I was devastated. I think the OW, for the first time, intuited this is NOT the reaction of an uncaring woman.

 

While supportive, too supportive, she started to back away a bit. I do not believe her intention was to become embroiled in our mess. I do not believe she thought there would be ANY mess.

 

I had thrown him out and refused to have anything to do with him.

 

Did he love her? Yes, I believe he thought he did. It's why I wished him well, agreed to move amicably towards divorce and told our children to treat both him and her with respect.

 

They inisisted on talking with him, and DID give him a piece of their minds. He went back to her and told her it was a "set up" masterminded by me. NOTHING could have been further from the truth.

 

Honestly? She distanced herself but stayed in contact with him as a "friend," and I refused to speak of anything other than the kids.

 

It pushed him off the fence. For the LONGEST time, I think he wanted both and was just trying and lying to all to maintain a lover on the side, and the happy home life.

 

I wasn't having it. And it is why I so espouse NC to both BS and OW/OM. If forces clarity and a decision.

 

I mean, who in their right mind wants to be the fallback woman? Not me. Not ever.

 

Amazing post! Thanks for being so open.

 

You really handled that situation well, your husband is a lucky man!

[heartinlove]

I couldn't agree more. I think you will find that men like this remain in gray areas and ride the fence in other areas of their lives. NC is best for all parties involved. Who wants to live on the fence? If NC by wife makes hubby wake up fly straight, great! If NC by OW makes hubby get off the fence and get a divorce, even that is better than living in limbo. And most importantly, when you initiate NC, you take control of your life. You can't control how the other person will react, but at least you stop your life from going out of control.

 

I agree wholeheartedly.

[SidLyon]

Mine isn't a lunch time affair. We both have flexible jobs ....

 

I think a "lunch-time affair" is one that is conducted when the BW believes the MM to be at work. Not necessarily literally always at lunch-time, although in my H's case it was predominantly at lunch time and the other occasions were when I believed him to be at work.

 

Does his wife believe he's at work when he's with you?

[heartinlove]

I think a "lunch-time affair" is one that is conducted when the BW believes the MM to be at work. Not necessarily literally always at lunch-time, although in my H's case it was predominantly at lunch time and the other occasions were when I believed him to be at work.

 

Does his wife believe he's at work when he's with you?

 

As I mentioned since everything came out in the open, we have not been seeing each other, but spending many hours communicating. She is aware we've been in contact. When we were seeing each other it was usually between the hours of 7 am and 6 pm, but thats a whole lotta hours in there. Im going to say that pretty much all affairs occur not at night or on weekends when men are with their families, so really not getting this definition of a lunch time affair versus any other affair. The common thread is the wife doesn't know that her husband is with the other woman whether she believes he's working or grocery shopping.

[ILoveHimSo]

I love a married man, we have been friends for yrs, (we have kissed once) and it was the sweetest kiss i have ever had....

anyway he always sits and talks to me, shoulder to cry on type thing

he has been married 17yrs, and with her 20, they have a 13yr old son, he has always said he loves her, but is no longer in love with her, but is staying for their son, at least till the boy is a little older, like 2 or 3 yrs when he starts to date and wont be around the house as much, so he wont need his dad home all the time...

but I am also friend with his wife, and they fight all the time, she calls him stupid & ugly all the time, and their son has confided in me they are not happy, I have never told either of them what their son told me, cause if the marraige is gonna crumble, I dont wanna be the nail in the coffin....

 

 

anyway depending on the state in which you live, custody of children can get ugly...but she cant legally move out of that state without permission from him,

she would also need written permission from him if she wanted to take the children out of state for a vacation....

also depending on the age of the children, they would have say on which parent they would rather live with...(the judge would consider their choice) before making a ruling that he sees is the best intrest of the children

 

personally I think, if couples stay together for the kids, it ****s the kids up, cause they see the hostility, and can sense the tension and the lack of love in the relationship even if they can put on a good front......the kids who have parents that are divorced turn out just fine, because they will still have both parents they just wont be under the same roof

Edited September 28, 2011 by ILoveHimSo
add more info

[woinlove]

I love a married man, we have been friends for yrs, (we have kissed once) and it was the sweetest kiss i have ever had....

anyway he always sits and talks to me, shoulder to cry on type thing

he has been married 17yrs, and with her 20, they have a 13yr old son, he has always said he loves her, but is no longer in love with her, but is staying for their son, at least till the boy is a little older, like 2 or 3 yrs when he starts to date and wont be around the house as much, so he wont need his dad home all the time...

but I am also friend with his wife, and they fight all the time, she calls him stupid & ugly all the time, and their son has confided in me they are not happy, I have never told either of them what their son told me, cause if the marraige is gonna crumble, I dont wanna be the nail in the coffin....

 

 

anyway depending on the state in which you live, custody of children can get ugly...but she cant legally move out of that state without permission from him,

she would also need written permission from him if she wanted to take the children out of state for a vacation....

also depending on the age of the children, they would have say on which parent they would rather live with...(the judge would consider their choice) before making a ruling that he sees is the best intrest of the children

 

personally I think, if couples stay together for the kids, it ****s the kids up, cause they see the hostility, and can sense the tension and the lack of love in the relationship even if they can put on a good front......the kids who have parents that are divorced turn out just fine, because they will still have both parents they just wont be under the same roof

 

I think this shows a lack of understanding of teenagers. A teen who is just starting to date is often most vulnerable to the upheaval surrounding a parent's infidelity. By contrast, having a loving and authentic home life during those years can be a huge advantage to developing into a healthy and happy independent, young adult.

 

If this father wants to leave his family, I would advocate doing it while his son is 13 and not waiting until he is 15 or 16. At 13 and with professional counselling, he could be back on solid ground during those crucial years he is starting to assert independence and beginning to have his own romantic interests.

[spice4life]

I think this shows a lack of understanding of teenagers. A teen who is just starting to date is often most vulnerable to the upheaval surrounding a parent's infidelity. By contrast, having a loving and authentic home life during those years can be a huge advantage to developing into a healthy and happy independent, young adult.

 

If this father wants to leave his family, I would advocate doing it while his son is 13 and not waiting until he is 15 or 16. At 13 and with professional counselling, he could be back on solid ground during those crucial years he is starting to assert independence and beginning to have his own romantic interests.

 

I agree with this except the age 13 part. People often fool themselves into believing that the teen years is the best and it is actually the worst. That is when a child needs their parents the most even though they are tough to deal with at that age. It is going to hurt no matter what age they are, but the worst times are between the ages 1-4 and 12-16. The childs foundation is being set between 1-4 and any trauma that happens then, effects them later as an adult. It could take them years to figure out why they have issues. 12-16 they are separating and asserting their independance, but need firm boundaries when doing so. The are actually very vulnerable as teens. A trauma without counseling can send them down the wrong path or it can make them put their own normal growing pains on hold, which is unhealthy too.

 

It is going to be tough for them at any age tough.

Edited September 28, 2011 by spice4life

[Mimolicious]

So my whole situation has taken a turn of events.

 

His wife found out we were in contact over the last number of months when she thought there was none. Long story short, he told her he was leaving. He was planning to tell her soon anyway. He finally worked up the courage and told her everything including he was in love with me and no longer in love with her.

 

After many back and forths with myself and her, he again told her he had decided to leave. She again asked him to stay and take more time to make a decision.

 

After another long conversation with his wife during that time she then said that she is giving him the space to make a choice and if he decides to leave she will help have a graceful transition with the children. She accepted that he was no longer in love with her, but she still wanted him to stay as she loves him. He felt for the first time he had a real choice believing she would do what was best for the kids. I was hoping she truly had a transformation and was giving him a real choice.

 

So a couple of days ago she asks him what his choice is. He tells her his choice is to leave. She then says she will make it very difficult for him to be with the children and she will move the children far away from him. After many hours of her telling him he hasn’t given her enough of a chance and convincing him that he will destroy his childrens lives by separating, he relented and told her he would stay. He has told me his heart is not in the marriage, he is simply staying for the kids.

 

When he told me all of this and he just looked so exhausted by it all. I think it was as much a tremendous let down to him as me. At this point he should just stay. Unless he is at peace with his choice and really believes his children will be able to go through this transition, why do it. So again he told me he’s in love with me, that he had really believed as well we’d be together soon, but he is overwhelmed with fear and concern around his children. He also is very pained at the thought of not living with his children all the time. I understand this completely as this has always been the heart of the issue. Do you stay for the kids or not? Is it better to live a lie and stay for the kids, or is it better to choose your truth and where your heart is and believe the kids will be able to make the transition. It’s a big question and there are lots of different answers and beliefs. He is not concrete in his belief system around this and this is why he gets paralyzed with indecision. On days like today, I also wonder, should he just stay for the kids?

 

I can only believe at this point, that every time she tells him he has a choice is just to manipulate him. When he doesn’t give the answers she wants she then makes it clear she will make his life very difficult in terms of being with his children. Any BS’s have thoughts on this?

 

Perhaps one day he will choose to leave, but I understand that unless his wife will have the best interests of the children at heart, this will be hard on everyone. I am also facing the reality that he is not strong enough to stand up to her and doesn’t have enough conviction that his children can get through a divorce to do this. I am thinking at this point to encourage him to stay for the kids and break off contact with him and help him stay in the marriage for his kids sake. I love him enough to let him go if that is whats best.

 

 

I come from a blended family that was incredibly happy, so that has shaped my beliefs. I saw first hand that when you follow your heart, it may be painful in the short term, but in the end it’s the best for everyone. Maybe I’ve allowed that to blind me in this situation and perhaps following your heart isn’t always the best choice.

 

Im feeling conflicted right now, and trying to do the right thing.

 

 

Any thoughts?

 

 

I just got one thing to say (well, in more than one word, of course) You actually think that half of what you posted above are facts? You make this guy sound like he's a helpless 10yr old. If he has the b@ll s to have an affair, then he has the b@ll s to do anything. He already did the unimaginable. Why believe a liar?