NordicStripes Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Hi there, My ex slept with someone else about 3 days after we broke up. We had been together for 3 years. He slept with her a couple of times. he tells me he didn't even like her, he didn't have any feelings for her, and he just did it out of frustration and because he thought that things were over forever between the two of us. About two weeks later he told me I'm the love of his life and he wants me and nobody else. We are now broken up for about 1,5 months. I still love him I think, but I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to cope with the fact that he just tried to replace me immediately after we broke up, and immediately started sleeping with someone else... Sex to me is a very intimate thing you should only share with the person you love. It now feels like he doesn't share that vision. And to me that's quite important. He says he didn't cheat on my because we had broken up, but it certainly feels like cheating to me... Has any of you been in a similar situation? How did you cope, if you have? Are there any good second chances that have come from situations like this?
silly_panda Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 It's all depend on you... If you can accept it and able to forgive him, then it will be fine... If you think this does affect you and you are unable to forget it, then it will be very hard for you to be in a relationship with this guy... You took sex as a very intimate thing in a relationship but he did not... Does that bother you..?
Author NordicStripes Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 It does. aren‘t you supposed to feel the same about these things?
silly_panda Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 It really depend on people... Some take these things very seriously... Some does not... For me, yea... I have the same mind set as you... It should be a very serious thing and you only do it with the person you love... But we can't expect our partner to feel/think the same you see... Some people just take it as a very normal thing and they can do it with whoever they wan... So it all comes back to you... Are you able to put this event as a thing of the past..? You really can't get into a relationship with this guy if you can't let this thing go... It will always be like a burden for you... For me, if my ex did that and she comes back to me... I wouldn't take her back... It's really her choice who she wanna sleep with and there is no fault on her end since we had ended... But I am not able to accept it... Cause I felt kinda... Disgusted...
Author NordicStripes Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 Disgusted. Thats exactly how i feel. And like you say, i know i cant be with him if i cant get passed this. And i honestly dont know. Its also a shock because i never thought hd would do such a thing... i hate this!
silly_panda Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I think time is the best answer at the moment... Maybe you are able to let this thing go as time passes...
Author NordicStripes Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 I guess... I hope I can ever get over this. Other than all the bad things, he was my best friend, and I have never felt so good and comfortable with someone as with him... but he just hurt me so much... Thanks for the feedback and advice, silly panda. You're awesome! :-)
silly_panda Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 No problem... Just keep us updated on your progress...
name goeshere Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Many times guys will react without thinking of the situation. Sometimes a guy will do that to try and forget a woman since it can emotionally tear him up inside breaking up. Just like how an alcoholic will drink himself under a table just to forget life for a few hours. Remember after a breakup people DO NOT think logically! You almost need an amnesty period right after a breakup because almost everyone will do something stupid. If he came to you and told you it is possible he realized how wrong he was right after and needed your forgiveness.
Finch Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 How someone acts during times of duress is indicative of how they will react again in the future. The idea of being allowed "amnesty" for actions after a breakup is, IMHO, a terrible idea because it gives an easy way out to anyone who is confused or hurting. We all get hurt, but we do NOT all react in the same way. Nordic - I was in a very similar situation once and can relate to what you are going through. In my case, I was not able to forgive him sleeping with someone else so soon after the breakup. My advice is that unless you are certain you can fully move on from it, do not try to reconcile with him. If you cannot let it go, it will always be in the back of your mind, you may become distrustful and suspicious, and it will negatively affect the relationship. It's a difficult situation to be in because the two of you had broken up when he slept with someone else. So logically you understand that he didn't "technically" do anything wrong. He didn't cheat on you because the relationship was null and void. But at the same time you feel like you were so easily replaced, and you might even feel that your relationship must have meant very little to him if he was able to forget about you and move on to someone else so fast. What happens is you go back and forth between feeling hurt and angry, but also battling with yourself because you think you don't actually have a "right" to feel that way. Nordic, like Panda said, I think you need time to think things through and decide whether this is something you can accept, or whether you are better off moving on.
name goeshere Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Women need to feel appreciated, men need to feel admired. You do not feel appreciated since it looked easy for him to replace you. He had no one to admire him since you separated and he felt a need to be admired even if it was fake and temporary.
silly_panda Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 As a guy I don't think doing that is rite... That just show how 'mature' the guy is in handling his relationship...
ggazoo Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Nordic, I couldn't agree more. I fell in love with a woman I met online. After I messed up, she broke up with me, and only days later met someone else and slept with him. I couldn't figure out how she could do that so quickly. She tried to justyify it, but it didn't matter. It hurt a lot. I can promise that it will get better in time. though.
Author NordicStripes Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 Wow, so many reactions! Thanks guys! That's great! Finch, I think you understand me very very well :-) It's nice to see that I'm not alone in this - although I'm sad you've had to go through the same thing. Everything you say is true though... And like you and Silly_panda say, I really must give it time to see how I can handle this. And I'm really planning on doing so. I can also see a point in what name goeshere says, it's kinda what my ex said as well. It was meaningless and for him it was a way to try and forget the hurt he had from breaking up with me. He did want to replace me because he was hurting so bad. But is was HE who broke up with me! After all this he told me he had been unhappy for years, even from before he met me, and that he had just been unable to handle it. But he now realises where he went wrong and wants to be a better man. I'd love to believe that. But still, there's no trust. Ggazoo, what do you mean by 'it will get better'? Will it be easier to handle what he did, or will I get over him? :-) Thanks guys! I really appreciate it!
name goeshere Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 After all this he told me he had been unhappy for years, even from before he met me, and that he had just been unable to handle it. But he now realises where he went wrong and wants to be a better man. I'd love to believe that. But still, there's no trust. SO you have an option here to give him a path to rebuild the trust. It does not have to be easy or quick but there are 3 ways it could go. He could learn from this and become better than before. He can blow it off and stay the same. Or he can go the opposite way in spite. You can be honest with him and tell him you still have trouble trusting him but you will let him, as in it is his job, rebuild it. If he really wants to be with you he will prove it. If you have trouble talking to him counseling can help you two open up. Let him know getting back together depends on you regaining the trust and you can't guarantee it will happen no matter what he does but you want to try. Maybe give him a path with goals to work for. Right now the relationship is up to you and you can give him a way to help but in the end it is your heart that chooses to forgive.
ggazoo Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Nordic, what I meant is that time does heal all wounds... if course during that time us when it's the toughest. Finch hit the nail on the head about feeling easily replaced... that's how I felt. While I have no doubt that she loved me, I'm convinced that she didn't love me as much as I loved her. I felt as though she used the breakup as an excuse to sleep with someone else, and that in time, she may have resented me for not being able to do that. Just take a deep breath, and be careful... if he hurt you once, it could easily happen again.
sillysmart Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Well I can tell you I went through the same thing wiht my husband. We separated...to me that did not mean we would be sleeping with anyone else. He said he thought "I was gone, gone, gone." Well, I can tell you he slept with someone about a month into our separation. He said he was suicidal. I know he is full of BS...of course in a lot of pain and reallly she was nothing but a bandaid for his pain. He used her. Well it has been two years and I can tell you it still hurts me. He slept with her and she kind of stayed at our home for a week. I had moved out. He says he thought we were over. But he had a picture on his phone and I heard voice mails. This made me crazy and for almost 6 months there was not one day that I did not think about it. We renewed our vows and for the most part with help, counseling, church etc. we are great but I can tell you I still live with this and in some ways I am accepting I will never get over it. I honestly believe he really does not understand. He says he does as he was cheated on before and he has been kind...but I guess my point is he better be worth it because it is like a kind of death of your relationship and you can have a new healthy one but you will always mourn the death of what was before. Do not try to soothe curiosity and find anything about her and him becauwe whatever you find out will feel good in the moment but then it will come back and bite you. You will have it pop up in your mind at inopportune times or god when you are making love.. I hate it. Its like there is me, him and she still sticks. I tell my self she was nothing more than a bandaid. He does not think about her so why do I. I have figured out it is because of mourning the death of what was...the innocence and trust. I know I am different than him. I honestly may have slept with someone during that time but I did not. Anyway obviously we were having lots of problems and not communicating well or at all at the time. So I forgave him and I will say most days are fine and there has been new great, great days with a new intimacy. But.....about once a week or so rather than every day I still think about it. Forgiveness and moving on is possible but it bites and hurts!
insaneinthebrain Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 to quote Micheal buble ... ..i'll give so much more than a i get..... The truth is that when someone does this .. it means that they dont love you as much you love them... THE WHOLE .. i am hurting so much so i am gonna go bang the first tramp that spreads her legs..... yeah ... i buy that as much as i buy alchamy.... ... the truth is that there is a series of decisions that he made here .. Lets start with . 1) He broke up with you .... what ever the reason.... he made the choice to walk away from you ..... this means he choose to be single again .. to now have the option to go tap something else and it not technically be cheating.... 2) 3 days... OH COME ON .... .. really... .. .. 3 DAYs...... and your gonna believe his whole .. i am hurting so bad that i need to get relief from this raging hard on i had....!!!! ... .. PLEASE.... thats total bull !!!!!! IF HE EVEN CARED ABOUT YOU THE FIRST THOUGHT THRU HIS HEAD WOULD HAVE BEEN... WHAT IF I GET BACK WITH HER.... I AM GONNA HAVE TO TELL HER THAT I SELP WITH SOMEONE ELSE>...!!!!! 3) ... AFTER HE SELPT WITH HE REALIZES HE MADE A MISTAKE..... .. BOY ..what kind of crap is that...... I BET YOU HE WASNT THINKING THAT WHILE HE WAS DOING HER DOGGY or HE WAS GETTING HIS DICK SUCKED....!!!!! 4) DONT MISTAKE THE FACT THAT HE IS BACK FOR LOVE>.... HE DOESENT CARE ABOUT YOU ..... IF HE HAD ..... HE NEVER WOULD HAVE BROKEN UP WITH YOU ..... THE WHOLE.. I AM SAD NOW... .SO I AM GOOING TO HURT YOU AND THEN SELP WITH SOMEONE ELSE SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THE MOST SELFISH THINGS I HAVE EVER HEARD.... that was my rant.....!!! .. this happened to me a long time ago.. and to be honest... i still havent gotten over it.....!! AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL... IT STILL MAKES MY STOPMACH CHURN EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT...!!!!! the best that can happen is that you will learn to live with it..... like the other girl said... because NOTHING CAN CHANGE WHAT HE DID.... nothing .... YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIP IS DEAD!!!! ITS GONE...!!! NOTHING CAN BRING IT BACK....what your are doing now is starting a new relationship with someone who you cannot trust anymore.... Personally... i would not give them the second chance.... THAT IS JUST ABOUT THE ONLY TYPE OF BETRAIL THAT I CANT HANDLE..... I dont even mind if the girl i see goes out on "dates" with other guys... hell a little bit of competition keeps me on my toes........!! but crossing that line means that you dont value what i have to offer.......... because thats the deepest level of intamcy two people can have..... sorry .. my two cents... best wishes.
A7X Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Has any of you been in a similar situation? How did you cope, if you have? Are there any good second chances that have come from situations like this? I was in a relationship that ended about 3 years ago, we had a house, planning a family, etc... She decided that things were over, the house was to be sold and to move on. The house sold in a matter of weeks, I had her move out and I would pay the mortgage until the house would change hands. The day I was to move out, she appeared at the house saying she wanted to help clean up for the new owners. At one point we ended up alone together and she told me she missed me and couldn't live without me (2 months after BU). So let's back up the week she broke up with me, she was out and about sleeping around, and obviously I found out... She says it because she said she wanted to forget about me, classic line really. Anyway I'm like let's give it a shot... 1 month went by and I said you know what, this isn't working out for me, the purity is gone for me.
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