torn_curtain Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I always feel weird starting these happy threads but I wanna share my joy with people on here who have seen me struggle through tough times. I also hope this gives hope to people who think they'll never see the other side of a nasty breakup. We are finally meeting in a few weeks (he's booked a flight) after three and a half months. I am now confident that unless something goes drastically wrong we'll be pretty much . This guy. I have absolutely nothing bad to say about him. He is the only guy I've ever been totally crazy about that I've been involved with. He is sweet, masculine, smart and sexy as hell...we are so alike in the important ways that it's freakish...practically finishing each other's thoughts...but we differ where we complement each other's weaknesses. We learn from each other constantly, sharing ideas and ways of attacking the world, turning the other on to things we love. At the very beginning I had a few misgivings because of his previous commitment phobia with other girls, but the more I get to know him the more I understand where that came from and the more he impresses me with how consistently kind and loving he is once you crack the surface. My mother said something is really different in the way you talk about him, and this is the first time she's seen me deeply care about anyone I've dated. I realize now why it didn't work out with the others. And the feelings are totally reciprocal. This is nuts. The strange thing is even if this doesn't work out, I don't feel like I'd be devastated because I'd at least know that I'd never have to settle again. And I'd also be grateful for the time we shared. I don't feel panicky when I think about losing him like I did with my ex, and I very rarely worry about him abandoning me. I think breakups almost hit you harder when there is some form of unhealthiness or codependency in the relationship and you're not feeling good about myself. Maybe I'll eat my own words one day, but whatever...this feels good now. Almost exactly a year ago I was destroyed when my ex told me he'd never speak to me again, and now here I am with someone a million times hotter, smarter, stronger and more supportive with so much more in common with me, who appreciates who I am on a much deeper level. Boom.
Citizen Erased Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I know exactly how you're feeling right now, and I really hope everything turns out great. Enjoy your time together!
Author torn_curtain Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 I know exactly how you're feeling right now, and I really hope everything turns out great. Enjoy your time together! Thanks! I'm crossing my fingers that we have the same kind of success you and Pyro did.
Feelin Frisky Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I'm happy you're happy but don't quite understand. You haven't met him before? Or you have and just distanced?
Author torn_curtain Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 I'm happy you're happy but don't quite understand. You haven't met him before? Or you have and just distanced? Haven't met. He lives across the country and is visiting in a few weeks. Our relationship has been through skype/phone.
mrgoodcat Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Haven't met. He lives across the country and is visiting in a few weeks. Our relationship has been through skype/phone. There is a Cuban saying: "Amor de lejos, amor de pendejos". Maybe yours is of different nature, so wish you happiness.
Feelin Frisky Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 (edited) Haven't met. He lives across the country and is visiting in a few weeks. Our relationship has been through skype/phone. Best of luck then. I'm in the same thing sorta and we're gaga for each other but not always at the same momment--ok, well, I'm gaga for her all the time:p-- but some things are complications and it can be heart ache one day and utter redemption the next. Maybe we'll meet in a couple of months too. Right now I can't think straight most of the time. I don't want to either. I'll settle for feeling like this at this time next week for now. Again, good luck. Edited September 18, 2011 by Feelin Frisky
Wolf18 Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Haven't met. He lives across the country and is visiting in a few weeks. Our relationship has been through skype/phone. There's quite a few intelligent guys who look like a movie star and appear to be as strong as a stone....on the internet. Don't put all your eggs in a basket until you finally meet this guy.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 There's quite a few intelligent guys who look like a movie star and appear to be as strong as a stone....on the internet. Don't put all your eggs in a basket until you finally meet this guy. Eh, unless he has a man he keeps in a cage and brings out to skype with me, I think I'm good. I realize there's a slim possibility things might not work out in person, but I'm not too concerned.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 Best of luck then. I'm in the same thing sorta and we're gaga for each other but not always at the same momment--ok, well, I'm gaga for her all the time:p-- but some things are complications and it can be heart ache one day and utter redemption the next. Maybe we'll meet in a couple of months too. Right now I can't think straight most of the time. I don't want to either. I'll settle for feeling like this at this time next week for now. Again, good luck. Wow, that's wonderful! It's cool that someone else is having a parallel adventure. I remember reading a post where you wrote that you'd never been in love before. Do you feel more strongly about this girl than the women from your past? If so, you sound a bit like my guy. Do you think maybe the distance barrier allowed you to open up more than you have with other women?
Feelin Frisky Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Wow, that's wonderful! It's cool that someone else is having a parallel adventure. I remember reading a post where you wrote that you'd never been in love before. Do you feel more strongly about this girl than the women from your past? If so, you sound a bit like my guy. Do you think maybe the distance barrier allowed you to open up more than you have with other women? Can't say too much. She'll see. But yes, yes, and yes. I don't recall saying I haven't been in love though. I haven't had the fortune to fulfill love-- falling for someone who then made it difficult for me to keep feeling that way for very long without some betrayal to ruin my trust or my belief that I could ever let my guard fully down. This distance thing on the other hand is all wanting and no having and wanting is a wonderful thing. The luckiest people in the world manage to keep wanting after they have. But for now, wanting and feeling wanted is just intoxicating and we connect so well--I'd invent her if she didn't already exist as what I want.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 Can't say too much. She'll see. But yes, yes, and yes. I don't recall saying I haven't been in love though. I haven't had the fortune to fulfill love-- falling for someone who then made it difficult for me to keep feeling that way for very long without some betrayal to ruin my trust or my belief that I could ever let my guard fully down. This distance thing on the other hand is all wanting and no having and wanting is a wonderful thing. The luckiest people in the world manage to keep wanting after they have. But for now, wanting and feeling wanted is just intoxicating and we connect so well--I'd invent her if she didn't already exist as what I want. Awww. That's adorable. She's lucky!
Kamille Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I'm so happy for you! Especially happy that you're feeling good about the relationship. I love that you're benefiting from the relationship as it is and not feeling anxious. I especially love that you now understand you don't have to settle. I'm glad he made you realize that!
Cee Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Gush away. That's what being in love can feel like - unbridled joy. It's a great feeling to finally fall in love after a long period of searching and uncertainty. And you have managed a LDR very well in that you have been very secure in it. I don't know anything about long-distance, but I know something about improbable relationships. They can work if both people are equally invested and don't overthink the potential barriers. I've read your threads and remember how you felt sad that October was far away. And now, it's around the corner. I don't mean to pry, but I am wondering about your boyfriend's health. You had posted he had an illness and was undergoing surgery soon. How is he doing?
Author torn_curtain Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 Gush away. That's what being in love can feel like - unbridled joy. It's a great feeling to finally fall in love after a long period of searching and uncertainty. And you have managed a LDR very well in that you have been very secure in it. I don't know anything about long-distance, but I know something about improbable relationships. They can work if both people are equally invested and don't overthink the potential barriers. I've read your threads and remember how you felt sad that October was far away. And now, it's around the corner. I don't mean to pry, but I am wondering about your boyfriend's health. You had posted he had an illness and was undergoing surgery soon. How is he doing? Hey, Cee. I've been following your story too and really happy to see you in a healthy, loving relationship after so much BS! His health has improved but he still needs to get this surgery eventually. But he has decided to have it after he visits.
Author torn_curtain Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 I'm so happy for you! Especially happy that you're feeling good about the relationship. I love that you're benefiting from the relationship as it is and not feeling anxious. I especially love that you now understand you don't have to settle. I'm glad he made you realize that! Thanks for the kind words. I feel a lot stronger than I have in previous relationships, and my whole approach to this relationship is very different. I really respect this guy and I can't imagine ever hurting him. In past relationships I didn't feel as much respect for my partner and so I ended up expending most of my energy trying to control the relationship and avoid abandonment because my emotional needs weren't being met. Not sure if that makes sense. With this guy, power doesn't at all come into play in how I relate to him. After some self examination, I realized that I harbor anger toward men because I was neglected and rejected by the two men in my life growing up. But I was also needy for an intimate connection with one to make up for that neglect. So whenever a guy acted in a way that I perceived as either weak or neglectful or reminded me of my father, my childhood resentment would bubble up and I'd punish him by either detaching, trying to control or acting out. Obviously this behavior wasn't fair to either me or him. I still have that anger, but I think it's something I can work through by being self aware. If I pick up that a guy is at all spineless or he doesn't seem to "see" me -- like he's out of touch with who I am -- I'll inwardly fly into a bit of a rage and unconsciously try to punish him or detach. But this guy doesn't push any of my buttons because he's both assertive and attuned to who I am (he gets me down to the small details and is very specific about what he likes about me). He's also very emotionally available, so I'm not constantly resenting him because I feel neglected. I probably need somebody who is more attentive than most women do because of that lack of attention growing up, and he seems to crave a really close relationship as well...so we fit together. Of course it's possible that at some point my guy could push my buttons, but I think I'll be able to work through that when/if it happens because the foundation of respect, caring and trust is there.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Thanks for the kind words. I feel a lot stronger than I have in previous relationships, and my whole approach to this relationship is very different. I really respect this guy and I can't imagine ever hurting him. In past relationships I didn't feel as much respect for my partner and so I ended up expending most of my energy trying to control the relationship and avoid abandonment because my emotional needs weren't being met. Not sure if that makes sense. With this guy, power doesn't at all come into play in how I relate to him. After some self examination, I realized that I harbor anger toward men because I was neglected and rejected by the two men in my life growing up. But I was also needy for an intimate connection with one to make up for that neglect. So whenever a guy acted in a way that I perceived as either weak or neglectful or reminded me of my father, my childhood resentment would bubble up and I'd punish him by either detaching, trying to control or acting out. Obviously this behavior wasn't fair to either me or him. I still have that anger, but I think it's something I can work through by being self aware. If I pick up that a guy is at all spineless or he doesn't seem to "see" me -- like he's out of touch with who I am -- I'll inwardly fly into a bit of a rage and unconsciously try to punish him or detach. But this guy doesn't push any of my buttons because he's both assertive and attuned to who I am (he gets me down to the small details and is very specific about what he likes about me). He's also very emotionally available, so I'm not constantly resenting him because I feel neglected. I probably need somebody who is more attentive than most women do because of that lack of attention growing up, and he seems to crave a really close relationship as well...so we fit together. Of course it's possible that at some point my guy could push my buttons, but I think I'll be able to work through that when/if it happens because the foundation of respect, caring and trust is there. I'll keep my cynicism out of this thread... but how can you say the above about someone you've never met? I think you are seeing what you want to see more than what is -- because you haven't really seen him yet (literally and figuratively).
Author torn_curtain Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 (edited) I think you are seeing what you want to see more than what is Why do you think your negative assessment (that I'm imagining things) holds any more weight than my positive one? We've been talking for months on skype/phone for several hours a night. I know there are certain things I can't tell online, but I doubt my impression of him is THAT off. As I've said before if he's half as wonderful as I think he is, I'll be happy. I'll admit there's a possibility something will be drastically off and I'll eat my words, but I'm OK with that risk. But I think if there is some huge incompatibility it will more likely arise after a few months together in person, which is always a danger. Edited September 19, 2011 by torn_curtain
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 TC, don't listen to the negativity. From what you have shared - I simply can't see how things can go wrong. We are both in love, after all the s^&& we have been through. Wohooooooo!!!
Author torn_curtain Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 TC, don't listen to the negativity. From what you have shared - I simply can't see how things can go wrong. We are both in love, after all the s^&& we have been through. Wohooooooo!!! Thanks, Eternal. We so deserve it! !!
Feelin Frisky Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Whoa, who's in love with whom here? Now I'm confused.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Whoa, who's in love with whom here? Now I'm confused. It's not what you are thinking
Nexus One Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 It's not what you are thinking Damn. I am dissapoint.
Feelin Frisky Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 It's not what you are thinking I wasn't thinking "that". I'm just on the "freakin' happy" band-wagon too and looking for any excuse to say so (without starting a Feelin Frisky loves so and so thread of my own. ) Today is a good day.
Stockalone Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I am so freakin' happy Congratulations. I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope that everything works out when you meet him.
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