Kamille Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 It's not that I'm uncomfortable with the whole process, but that I dont rate a relationship. There are people in this universe that just aren't meant to have someone, even if they deserve it. Like that homeless guy who has been on the corner for years...probably not going to be anyone anytime soon...even if he's a good guy...I feel that I'm in the same boat...I'm simply taking the hit for Team Humanity. So it's less fear of rejection and more acceptance of the way things are...growing up being the only single one in a sea if couples makes one believe he is that one statistic...the single one...so with that acceptance comes some anger...why me...? Hmm no. Acceptance does not come with anger. Acceptance comes with serenity. Clearly, you're frustrated, clearly you want a relationship. It's understandable. But, what you wrote up there? That first paragraph? Come on! I just can't decide if your above quote is what psychologists call an "all or nothing" thinking style or an "overgeneralizing" one. Thinking you're the exception and taking one for humanity is, well, an unhelpful thought. What's the point of thinking that if not to take pity on yourself? I'm sorry I can't sympathize with your problems. I'm pretty sure you haven't been doomed to singledom. Don't get me wrong. If you're frustrated and angry and you've hit rock bottom, I think you should give up dating and romance altogether. Take a one year hiatus, where you just focus on feeling good about your life and yourself and tune everything and anything out that doesn't make you feel good. I also don't know if you've ever sought therapy for your anger and frustration, but I would also recommend it. The money you're spending on this adult dating site would probably be better spent figuring out better coping skills to your dire dateless situation.
Red Arremer Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Hmm no. Acceptance does not come with anger. Don't get me wrong. If you're frustrated and angry and you've hit rock bottom, I think you should give up dating and romance altogether. Take a one year hiatus, where you just focus on feeling good about your life and yourself and tune everything and anything out that doesn't make you feel good. I also don't know if you've ever sought therapy for your anger and frustration, but I would also recommend it. The money you're spending on this adult dating site would probably be better spent figuring out better coping skills to your dire dateless situation. I've thought about doing this sort of thing myself, but I just can't bring myself to not think about dating/relationships. I'm already going to be 30 in a few months, I feel like the time for taking a year off to get myself sorted is long passed.
Red Arremer Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 (edited) And to stay on topic with the OP, I feel like I'm in a similar boat he is, and I've actually considered joining an adult dating site myself. I've never done it though, just because I can't bring myself to do it. Shoutouts to a sheltered upbringing and viewing sex as something dirty and wrong, despite wanting it more than, well, basically everything else in life at this point. I've tried casual dating on mainstream dating sites too, but I've never had any luck with that either. When I get in a situation where there is a real life woman on the other side of the table, I run into those hangups AND my crippling fear of rejection. Double whammies are awesome Edited September 19, 2011 by Red Arremer
dispatch3d Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I'm trying to get off one. I get 6 messages a year and they are generally not likely to be from girls I like. In my day-time life I see girls all the freakin time and I'd date multiple of them (for good reasons). It just doesn't appeal to me at all.
Zed Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Aren't you moving to the west coast. DC is not the friendliest place to cultivate a relationship. Maybe you should wait until you move before worrying about meeting new women. Last thing, you said you had quality guy friends who eventually marry quality women. Couldn't they introduce you to quality women.
eatNrM Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 "Improvise, Adapt, Overcome" Don't you guys swear by this? C'mon hokie, you can do this man. Running won't help, you'll probably feel emptier the further you run. Now compare that to actually giving it your all for what you want, you'd feel much more fulfilled? Is this it? Are you really going to call it quits?? (This is MrNate by the way. I ran into a guideline violation that was untinded on my part so my account is receiving the hammer until next month)
D-Lish Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Chokie, I don't know if now is the time to be doing this. If you want to get to a place where you feel good about yourself, this is not the way to go about it. It's almost like taking a step even further backwards. I know you don't feel good about yourself right now, and I think you're making a poor decision because when you're in a negative state you tend to make poor choices. Do you really think you're going to feel validated by some random one night stands? I think you'll feel worse than you do now.
Author USMCHokie Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 As for signing up on AFF, what do you want to accomplish I honestly don't know. I guess some good ol' external validation... Hmm no. Acceptance does not come with anger. Acceptance comes with serenity. Clearly, you're frustrated, clearly you want a relationship. It's understandable. But, what you wrote up there? That first paragraph? Come on! I just can't decide if your above quote is what psychologists call an "all or nothing" thinking style or an "overgeneralizing" one. Thinking you're the exception and taking one for humanity is, well, an unhelpful thought. What's the point of thinking that if not to take pity on yourself? I'm sorry I can't sympathize with your problems. I'm pretty sure you haven't been doomed to singledom. Don't get me wrong. If you're frustrated and angry and you've hit rock bottom, I think you should give up dating and romance altogether. Take a one year hiatus, where you just focus on feeling good about your life and yourself and tune everything and anything out that doesn't make you feel good. I also don't know if you've ever sought therapy for your anger and frustration, but I would also recommend it. The money you're spending on this adult dating site would probably be better spent figuring out better coping skills to your dire dateless situation. I AM taking pity on myself...it's my way of making myself feel better about myself and rationalizing that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with women...classic blame shifting... And you say taking a year off to focus on me and the good life...but to be honest, I am living the good life...job is amazing, friends are great, and I'm getting into new hobbies (hotbox yoga and motorcyclin') that I'm actually enjoying...the problem is that with everything that's going great with my life, I'm actually getting bored and want to share it with someone else...it's always been that way with me...life's great, except it's always just me living that life, with an exception here or there...so that's probably why I make a bigger deal out of it than I should...because it's that one thing that sticks out from everything that I don't have...that everyone seems to have... So yea, I could drop it from my mind...but then is probably have a really idle mind...seems I've got everything else under control...
Author USMCHokie Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Aren't you moving to the west coast. DC is not the friendliest place to cultivate a relationship. Maybe you should wait until you move before worrying about meeting new women. Last thing, you said you had quality guy friends who eventually marry quality women. Couldn't they introduce you to quality women. DC is awful for dating... And I usually ask not to be introduced to any women as more than just a friend or to be set up on blind dates. Don't particularly enjoy their look of horrid disappointment when they actually have to meet me.
Author USMCHokie Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Alright, take this for what you will cuz I'm a dude... but I've seen your profile pics. You look pretty dashing. A agree that AFF is beneath you. You're young and handsome. The world is your oyster. Flirt more. Make a move, and keep this AFF stuff under wraps Thanks...I appreciate the kind words...
Author USMCHokie Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 "Improvise, Adapt, Overcome" Don't you guys swear by this? C'mon hokie, you can do this man. Running won't help, you'll probably feel emptier the further you run. Now compare that to actually giving it your all for what you want, you'd feel much more fulfilled? Is this it? Are you really going to call it quits?? (This is MrNate by the way. I ran into a guideline violation that was untinded on my part so my account is receiving the hammer until next month) Hey bro. I know what you're saying...and it might be running, but I can't control what women want and don't want....I'm just exploring other avenues to see if someone would want me there...if it doesn't work, then it doesn't work...at least I'll know...
Author USMCHokie Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Chokie, I don't know if now is the time to be doing this. If you want to get to a place where you feel good about yourself, this is not the way to go about it. It's almost like taking a step even further backwards. I know you don't feel good about yourself right now, and I think you're making a poor decision because when you're in a negative state you tend to make poor choices. Do you really think you're going to feel validated by some random one night stands? I think you'll feel worse than you do now. I'm not sure that such a happy place exists anymore...and I honestly don't even know if I could even achieve any one night stands...AFF is no guarantee...so yes, I imagine I could feel even worse after being rejected for those too...
D-Lish Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 DC is awful for dating... And I usually ask not to be introduced to any women as more than just a friend or to be set up on blind dates. Don't particularly enjoy their look of horrid disappointment when they actually have to meet me. Oh SHUT UP- stop being so down on yourself. You do realize that your negativity rubs off on others when you go on dates! You'll give off that vibe that you're not down with yourself- that's not something you can hide.
Author USMCHokie Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Oh SHUT UP- stop being so down on yourself. You do realize that your negativity rubs off on others when you go on dates! You'll give off that vibe that you're not down with yourself- that's not something you can hide. I keep my negativity extremely well-hidden....especially on dates...and if things actually start to go well, negativity generally fades to nothing...suddenly my race isn't even on my mind anymore...yes, I know i cant rely on external validation to guide my temperament, but I've noticed I'll ebb and flow with whatever my status is...single = Debbie Downer...dating = happy fun cool guy...
eatNrM Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I keep my negativity extremely well-hidden....especially on dates...and if things actually start to go well, negativity generally fades to nothing...suddenly my race isn't even on my mind anymore...yes, I know i cant rely on external validation to guide my temperament, but I've noticed I'll ebb and flow with whatever my status is...single = Debbie Downer...dating = happy fun cool guy... Do you still work on yourself man? What about self improvement? Personal growth?
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 So yea, I could drop it from my mind...but then is probably have a really idle mind...seems I've got everything else under control... You do have astounding awareness... a weakness can certainly glare brightly when surrounded by strengths. Awareness doesn't always yield a lot of power though (beh sometimes it takes it away). But there's always something missing. Sometimes that emptiness is a good driving force towards accomplishments, other times it's draining and it dilutes life... In the end, you have to decide what you really want. Most satisfaction lies in simplicity, appreciating what one already has --- not to say that achieving a long sought over yearning cannot be satisfying. Sharing *life*, many aspects of it, can make it very enjoyable. But life can be shared in numerous ways with numerous people... helping them; taking care of them; raising them; strolling with them; teaching them; etc. If you're going to find a romantic companion, you're going to have to face rejection and prevail over it. You just are. It's good you're exploring other avenues I think (even if they're faaaar less than ideal)... it's some kind of action. Just go go go, and even if you are rejected, TELL yourself it's not personal. Brainwash yourself. You have to change your self-perception, you have to notice when you're beginning to feed it, and you have to veer off in another direction. It's NOT easy to do. But neither is living in want and afraid of it too.
Author USMCHokie Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Do you still work on yourself man? What about self improvement? Personal growth? Always working on myself, man...I just don't know how I'm supposed to work on this though...still searching for those answers...
somedude81 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I honestly don't know. I guess some good ol' external validation... What is that supposed to mean? As I was saying earlier there are some ways to get easy sex if you don't really care who it's with. I've had some success back in the day with women in their 40's. They were average to good looking women. At first it was unsettling to learn that somebody had a kid my age. But I got over it; I was horny and girls my age didn't even give me the time of day. I also dabbled a bit in the swinger scene, guys wanting to see their GF or wife with a younger man. This was all done via AFF several years ago. Eventually I got tired of empty sex and moved on.
D-Lish Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I'm not sure that such a happy place exists anymore...and I honestly don't even know if I could even achieve any one night stands...AFF is no guarantee...so yes, I imagine I could feel even worse after being rejected for those too... Seriously, you feel this way and you're so young, too young to feel so hopeless.
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Always working on myself, man...I just don't know how I'm supposed to work on this though...still searching for those answers... You can start by stopping the lies you tell yourself =) Which is all the self-deprecating junk. Things *seem* like self-fulfilling prophecies, but in reality, they are being fulfilled for reasons altogether different than what you think.
krz12 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Aren't there an excess of 20-30 year old women in DC? I know that's true about New York, which I've seen first hand.
Author USMCHokie Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Seriously, you feel this way and you're so young, too young to feel so hopeless. I know, you're right...I was going to respond by saying something about how I'll still be Asian no matter how old or young I am, but I know I shouldn't go there, so I won't.
Author USMCHokie Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Aren't there an excess of 20-30 year old women in DC? I know that's true about New York, which I've seen first hand. Yes. But they all tend to suck.
Author USMCHokie Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 What is that supposed to mean? As I was saying earlier there are some ways to get easy sex if you don't really care who it's with. I've had some success back in the day with women in their 40's. They were average to good looking women. At first it was unsettling to learn that somebody had a kid my age. But I got over it; I was horny and girls my age didn't even give me the time of day. I also dabbled a bit in the swinger scene, guys wanting to see their GF or wife with a younger man. This was all done via AFF several years ago. Eventually I got tired of empty sex and moved on. That I'm desirable to at least someone... But duly noted...
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