Josephina Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Oi. I'm not sure if any of this will make any sense, so please bear with me. We have been together for 14 years, married for 10, and we have 2 kids. Since the week after we said "I do", we have both known that our marriage wasn't what it should be. Still, we spent 10 years trying to make it work - we are both stubborn, and hate to fail. About 8 weeks ago I finally pinned him down, as he was outwardly avoiding my attempts to talk, and I told him I wanted a divorce. At 1st he resisted, but then he realized how unhappy we both are, and have been for a long time. We decided we would divorce the nice way (is there such a thing??!). Financially, together we do ok, but having to start supporting 2 sets of accommodations would certainly change things. I do work, but not in the capacity to support a home large enough for the kids. I'm just finishing my degree and entering my career now, so it won't be too long until I will be able to do better. So rather than thrust myself out the door into poverty, we agreed to stay living in our current home, but have separate sleeping areas. The separate sleeping wasn't new, as we had already done that for about a year. He agreed to buy me out of everything except one vehicle, and we'd clear out all the debt in the process. I would walk away with half of what we built together, and then look at purchasing a new home. He is financially in a position to do this due to when we bought our home, his income, etc. Now I can't get him to actually take action on what he said he'd do! He is always too "busy" going on with normal day to day life. We had several recent commitments that we attended together, and it seems like he wants to continue "playing house". Very few people know we are divorcing, so everyone assumes we are still together. I'd rather clear the air. I'm finding it emotionally draining to continue having my life so intertwined with his. Yes, we have kids and will always have to deal with each other, but this is overkill. I need to sever the bleeding so I can start to heal my wounded heart. He accuses me of wanting to run off and find a new boyfriend, when the truth is that I just want to be alone. I don't want to have to deal with the nitty-picky housekeeping items - I still think he really wanted a maid instead of a wife - being that we have decided to divorce I get really pissed at him expecting me to pick up after him. I want my own place. I have made great progress with my career, even within the last 8 weeks, but I'm still not able to support a full home on my own. If I leave, he won't let me take the kids with no where to go, so I feel held hostage by him due to finances. So this may seem like a dumb question, but how do I get him to move forward with this? It isn't healthy for the kids, it isn't healthy for either one of us...but I don't know what action I can take. I need him to step up. If you made it this far, thanks.
Lis007 Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I think there is more you are not telling us. When you asked for a divorce had you thought through the consequences? Like being able to support your family? You need legal advice to move forward if thats what you want to do. I would suggest counseling to see if your marriage can be saved. Because of where you are you are focusing on the negative but it can't have always been negative for you to build your family together. I hope you dont regret your choices later down the track when you are on your own....
trippi1432 Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 We have been together for 14 years, married for 10, and we have 2 kids. Since the week after we said "I do", we have both known that our marriage wasn't what it should be. Still, we spent 10 years trying to make it work - we are both stubborn, and hate to fail. About 8 weeks ago I finally pinned him down, as he was outwardly avoiding my attempts to talk, and I told him I wanted a divorce. At 1st he resisted, but then he realized how unhappy we both are, and have been for a long time. .....the truth is that I just want to be alone. I don't want to have to deal with the nitty-picky housekeeping items - I still think he really wanted a maid instead of a wife - being that we have decided to divorce I get really pissed at him expecting me to pick up after him. I want my own place. I have made great progress with my career, even within the last 8 weeks, but I'm still not able to support a full home on my own. If I leave, he won't let me take the kids with no where to go, so I feel held hostage by him due to finances. So this may seem like a dumb question, but how do I get him to move forward with this? It isn't healthy for the kids, it isn't healthy for either one of us...but I don't know what action I can take. I need him to step up. If you made it this far, thanks. You need him to step up...yet you are fed up. By your admission, you are both stubborn and hate to fail..why should he change, why should you? Alone is alone..yes, you can be happy in that..but when all you do is tell him how unhappy you are over the years, he is going to eventually agree with you and make you feel as if you both have an agreement. Perhaps you should step it up a notch and tell him what YOU need from HIM to be happy?
Author Josephina Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 I think there is more you are not telling us. When you asked for a divorce had you thought through the consequences? Like being able to support your family? You need legal advice to move forward if thats what you want to do. I would suggest counseling to see if your marriage can be saved. Because of where you are you are focusing on the negative but it can't have always been negative for you to build your family together. I hope you dont regret your choices later down the track when you are on your own.... I might not have made clear that the marriage is 100% not salvageable, and is definitely over. I didn't just wake up one day and think it would be a good idea...we have been living in pure hell for so long. It isn't the first time either one of us has asked for a divorce, but it was the first time it was calm, and collected, and agreed upon by both. I thought it through, or so I thought. We sat down and made a plan, and that is what I am now trying to get him to follow through on. Lots of people have severe financial problems when they divorce, and we thought we could spare ourselves some of the agony that way - I actually thought we were being responsible instead of running off and freezing bank accounts on one another. Counselling...been there, done that. My marriage wasn't always negative - we built a great life together, with 2 wonderful kids. We just did it with the wrong person, and there is nothing I want more than for him to find someone to love him the way that he deserves. That person, however, isn't me. I don't see myself regretting this. I see myself regretting staying. He deserves to be fully loved and adored, and I haven't been that person for him. I love him very much platonically, and he is my best friend. Once we decided to divorce, and we put all the expectations of being romantically involved together to the side, then it freed us to be friends again. I want nothing but the best for him...but this current situation isn't healthy for us, and I need advice on how to move forward. Is there any way to prompt action without going to the lawyers? We were going to have our lives evaluated for amounts, but we've already determined who gets what share, and how we will handle custody. It seems like it would bring in a negative aura to bring in the lawyers for anything we haven't talked about. Again, I'm not sure if I'm making sense. I think my OP left room for thinking the marriage was savable, or that this was a decision in haste.
Author Josephina Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 You need him to step up...yet you are fed up. By your admission, you are both stubborn and hate to fail..why should he change, why should you? Alone is alone..yes, you can be happy in that..but when all you do is tell him how unhappy you are over the years, he is going to eventually agree with you and make you feel as if you both have an agreement. Perhaps you should step it up a notch and tell him what YOU need from HIM to be happy? I don't quite understand what you are saying. I'm not the only one who is unhappy, we both are. When it comes right down to it, who each of us are, and what we value in life, they are different. I don't want to get into the details, because then it will be me saying negative stuff about him. In addition, because this is from my POV, it is easier for me to see his faults then to publicly call out my own, KWIM. Do you mean that I need to say: "I need to you fulfill our agreement. Living in this state of limbo is hard on me, you, and the kids, and I expect you to step up." If you mean that I need to tell him what I need to make me happy to stay in the marriage, then that ship has sailed. My communicating skills in person are quite good, and I was always able to say what I needed. I'm not going to dog him on here, but in the end, him and I need a divorce, period. He needs a less hostile, more loving wife, and I need someone who values me - we aren't able to be that person for each other. It is sad, but neither of us are getting any younger. I'm 30 and have been with him since my 16th birthday, he is slightly older. If we can't figure out a glimmer of happiness in 14 years, even through counseling and a variety of other attempts, at some point you just need to throw in the white towel. I want to throw in the towel while we still like each other enough to be friends, and not go through some nasty divorce and custody battle. I went through h.e.l.l. as a child in my parents custody battle - it truly scarred me for life. I won't do that to my kids. Thanks for the input from the posters so far.
Author Josephina Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 Do you have another man? No. At this point I can't even fathom ever getting into another relationship. I'm not wanting out thinking the grass is greener out somewhere else, I just want to quit killing the grass inside our marriage. I'm not even remotely interested in another man. I can't even draw any kind of attraction to another person. I'm actually a little afraid that I may never want to be with another person, as I can't, or haven't yet, summoned the desire for another person. I do enjoy companionship though, but first I feel the need to be alone. He was my first and only love thus far in my life. I dated a bit before meeting him, but at 15 and younger, none of it was serious. I'm not ready to address "love after divorce" as I first need to get through the divorce part of it.
stillafool Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I don't understand, can't you file for the divorce?
Author Josephina Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 I don't understand, can't you file for the divorce? Yes, I guess I can. I'm trying to navigate the best way to do this though. Getting a divorce isn't easy or natural, so I'm wondering how to manage this in the short term. I didn't think we could legally get a divorce until we had lived separate for 1 year, hence the reason we wanted to split our finances first. That way we could each be in a position to have a home of some sort. Hi josephina...Try this link,maybe this can help you.. http://www.simpledivorceadvice.com/category/planning-and-directionThanks for the link. So far I have just glanced at it, but it does seem to have a lot of information.
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