Friends

September 23, 2011

Great post!

I am not understanding the need for Silly to continue to take jabs at Donna and continue to try to discredit her. It seems her post was deleted (thank you Tony), but until she stops the behavior, it will just continue

Thank you woe for demonstrating what so many of us know already. This is really getting petty and I don't understand why it continues. They have their own board, why the continual need to come here and do this kind of stuff.

Donna, I am sorry you are the target this. I believe this type of behavior was discussed in the "General" section about immature and childish behavior.

Thanks FO. Yes, the continual jabs get old, but it positively screams volumes about the depths to which folks need to sink. They damage themselves far more than they do me with that behavior.

September 23, 2011

very well said, Spark.......I've been observing this more and more in recent years----I think Facebook encourages that type of thinking--or facilitates it, at the very least.

This is an excellent description of true friendship, IMO.

A true friend will absolutely call you on the carpet if you're acting out of character.They'll be authentic.

.....and won't be offended if all your opinions don't match, either.

It's definitely a blessing, when you have a couple of friends like that.

Agreed. I prefer friends over yes men any day.

September 23, 2011

very well said, Spark.......I've been observing this more and more in recent years----I think Facebook encourages that type of thinking--or facilitates it, at the very least.

I think you hit on something relevant there. FaceBook isn't the first to do so, but they are by far the biggest. Sites like these seem to have encouraged some segment of society to engage in a "most friends" competition, and, to some degree, diluted the concept of what a friend truly is.

A true friend will absolutely call you on the carpet if you're acting out of character.They'll be authentic.

An excellent point on true friendship! Your friend is supposed to be the one who doesn't think twice about telling you there is something stuck in your teeth, a booger hanging out of your nose, your fly is open, you're acting like an ass, or any other harsh reality that "polite society" would have a hard time pointing out to you. Friends tell it like it is, without pulling any punches, and know you're fine with them doing it - you expect them to do it!

All seriousness aside for a moment, one of my favorite friends sayings is:

A friend is someone you can call at three in the morning to come bail you out of jail. A true friend is sitting in the cell next to you saying "Damn! That was a blast!"

September 23, 2011

Agreed. I prefer friends over yes men any day.

A point that seems to keep coming up in this thread - friends only being people who agree with you. Are there people who have friends like that or who desire friends like that? It seems everyone I know would be opposed to that, and the responses in this thread seem to support that. I'm curious, if it's not something that typically happens, why there is such strong opposition to it. I mean, I would also be opposed to friends who bite off and eat my toes, and I am sure most other people would also... but, I don't think I need to point that out.

September 23, 2011

Catching up with this extremely interesting thread.

It's ironic that people who constantly insist that honesty and truth is the only way and who are quick to judge those who do not match their alleged standards are so often the very ones who struggle with deceit and denial and really aren't at peace with themselves; yet those who are honest and have no need to hide anything, and ARE at peace are then made out to be dishonest. Presumably something to do with fitting a mould. Perhaps friends would be unable to really be themselves with folk like that. In my view if either party is unable to be themselves, be upfront about their views and feings.... That's not a true friendship, is it? That's a facade. Some people are happy to operate at that level and there's possibly a need for it (friends of friends, acquaintances etc) but I wouldn't like too many of those superficial, plastic relationships

September 23, 2011

Catching up with this extremely interesting thread.

It's ironic that people who constantly insist that honesty and truth is the only way and who are quick to judge those who do not match their alleged standards are so often the very ones who struggle with deceit and denial and really aren't at peace with themselves; yet those who are honest and have no need to hide anything, and ARE at peace are then made out to be dishonest. Presumably something to do with fitting a mould. Perhaps friends would be unable to really be themselves with folk like that. In my view if either party is unable to be themselves, be upfront about their views and feings.... That's not a true friendship, is it? That's a facade. Some people are happy to operate at that level and there's possibly a need for it (friends of friends, acquaintances etc) but I wouldn't like too many of those superficial, plastic relationships

SG, this is profound, heartfelt and the truth. It is these types that I avoid like the plague, and in an earlier post in this thread said that those that are not true friends disappear. What you described is what I was referring to. Thank you:)

September 23, 2011

I so agree with you.

I have 5 people whom I regard as friends.

I posted a while back about being socially shunned when my husband died.

Unfortunately, it was mainly by my neighbours of 33 years standing. I was totally dumbfounded. They were have 60th birthday celebrations bigger than Ben Hur and I was the only one in the street at home.

We had always been included before he died. I still don't understand it

and they talk to me as though there is nothing wrong... it's just social occasions where I am left out. Fifth wheel?

Oh well, I still have me 5 friends and family.

Gentlegirl

September 23, 2011

I posted a while back about being socially shunned when my husband died.

Unfortunately, it was mainly by my neighbours of 33 years standing. I was totally dumbfounded. They were have 60th birthday celebrations bigger than Ben Hur and I was the only one in the street at home.

We had always been included before he died. I still don't understand it
and they talk to me as though there is nothing wrong... it's just social occasions where I am left out. Fifth wheel?

I don't know if I saw that thread and/or commented there, but this is certainly more than fitting for discussion in this thread. I'm glad you brought it up.

I've seen this happen to a number of people I know, and I've even read letters in advice columns addressing this very issue, so, it would seem to be common.

I can understand friends having issues with divorced couples. They don't want to have to choose one or the other, so they choose neither. They don't want to get in the middle of something, whatever... it's reasonable and understandable.

But widows and widowers frequently being shunned by friends just seems cruel. Why would they do that to someone who likely needs them now more than ever?

I can only offer some guesses. Speaking of human psychology, I would think some of it is based on their own discomfort. They don't know what to say, they don't want to say the wrong thing, so they avoid you. Perhaps to a lesser degree, you provide a reminder of their own fears of mortality.

Another thing I think happens is something that starts out with good intentions, but never rights itself. Maybe at the beginning, they think "I won't invite him/her to this party because it's too soon and I'm sure they are not in the partying mood". True enough that they should allow you to make that choice, but, at least their intentions are good. I think what happens after that is you fall off their guest list. They initially don't invite you out of concern, but then, they just forget about you.

You can probably guess, in the end, my take is those people were never really friends to begin with.

September 23, 2011

A point that seems to keep coming up in this thread - friends only being people who agree with you. Are there people who have friends like that or who desire friends like that? It seems everyone I know would be opposed to that, and the responses in this thread seem to support that. I'm curious, if it's not something that typically happens, why there is such strong opposition to it. I mean, I would also be opposed to friends who bite off and eat my toes, and I am sure most other people would also... but, I don't think I need to point that out.

I would surmise that a "yes man" type of friend is just a suck up who wants you to like them - not for who they are but for the way their lips just naturally gravitate to one's arse and the ego boost you get from having a lap dog. A little puppy to follow you about and mirror your every thought.

Through some past personal turmoil, my true friends were right there with me. Sometimes I would get a little tough love, and I needed it. Other times they were there to shore me up through an emotional upheaval. One thing they did NOT do was pretend they didn't have any personal standards to merely placate me.

September 23, 2011

I would surmise that a "yes man" type of friend is just a suck up who wants you to like them - not for who they are but for the way their lips just naturally gravitate to one's arse and the ego boost you get from having a lap dog. A little puppy to follow you about and mirror your every thought.

Have you had friends like that or do you know of others who have? I've seen it in business situations, but not in friendship situations.

Through some past personal turmoil, my true friends were right there with me. Sometimes I would get a little tough love, and I needed it. Other times they were there to shore me up through an emotional upheaval. One thing they did NOT do was pretend they didn't have any personal standards to merely placate me.

Yes. That's exactly what friends are. Anyone who would do any less or anything else would not truly be a friend.

September 23, 2011

Have you had friends like that or do you know of others who have? I've seen it in business situations, but not in friendship situations.

I wouldn't want a friend like that, but I've known those types of people - the lap dog "need to please people so they'll like me" types. They tend to have major self esteem issues.

Yes. That's exactly what friends are. Anyone who would do any less or anything else would not truly be a friend.

September 23, 2011

I don't know if I saw that thread and/or commented there, but this is certainly more than fitting for discussion in this thread. I'm glad you brought it up.

I've seen this happen to a number of people I know, and I've even read letters in advice columns addressing this very issue, so, it would seem to be common.

Why does this happen though? Fear? The people I know would gather even more tightly around the widower. This behavior makes no sense to me.

September 23, 2011

The people I know would gather even more tightly around the widower.

True. My father died when I was 23, ALL my mom's closest friends, neighbours, family supported her and looked after her. She was never EVER excluded from any function. She was included in it all. No one treated her any differently or made her feel bad. Ever!

This behavior makes no sense to me.

Me too.

September 23, 2011

very well said, Spark.......I've been observing this more and more in recent years----I think Facebook encourages that type of thinking--or facilitates it, at the very least.

This is an excellent description of true friendship, IMO.

A true friend will absolutely call you on the carpet if you're acting out of character.They'll be authentic.

.....and won't be offended if all your opinions don't match, either.

It's definitely a blessing, when you have a couple of friends like that.

A blessing indeed! I am eternally grateful for them .

September 23, 2011

A point that seems to keep coming up in this thread - friends only being people who agree with you. Are there people who have friends like that or who desire friends like that? It seems everyone I know would be opposed to that, and the responses in this thread seem to support that. I'm curious, if it's not something that typically happens, why there is such strong opposition to it. I mean, I would also be opposed to friends who bite off and eat my toes, and I am sure most other people would also... but, I don't think I need to point that out.

I've told this story before, but the subject reminds me of my longtime girlfriend who had an A. She would come and confide in me about it.

I listened and loved her anyway. Ironically, three yrs later I was the one involved in an A. We're still friends and she'd be there for me if I needed her.

September 23, 2011

I don't know if I saw that thread and/or commented there, but this is certainly more than fitting for discussion in this thread. I'm glad you brought it up.

I've seen this happen to a number of people I know, and I've even read letters in advice columns addressing this very issue, so, it would seem to be common.

I can understand friends having issues with divorced couples. They don't want to have to choose one or the other, so they choose neither. They don't want to get in the middle of something, whatever... it's reasonable and understandable.

But widows and widowers frequently being shunned by friends just seems cruel. Why would they do that to someone who likely needs them now more than ever?

I can only offer some guesses. Speaking of human psychology, I would think some of it is based on their own discomfort. They don't know what to say, they don't want to say the wrong thing, so they avoid you. Perhaps to a lesser degree, you provide a reminder of their own fears of mortality.

Another thing I think happens is something that starts out with good intentions, but never rights itself. Maybe at the beginning, they think "I won't invite him/her to this party because it's too soon and I'm sure they are not in the partying mood". True enough that they should allow you to make that choice, but, at least their intentions are good. I think what happens after that is you fall off their guest list. They initially don't invite you out of concern, but then, they just forget about you.

You can probably guess, in the end, my take is those people were never really friends to begin with.

I think in the beginning the neighbours probably didn't want to tread on sensitive ground.

Hell it's been almost 3 years now. Our kids grew up together ,we had street Christmas parties, weddings, funerals.

Not sure how I could fall off their guest list when they live in the houses all around me...

Anyway, it's a theory that I had myself.

Gentlegirl.

September 23, 2011

It is not difficult to sacrifice for a friend

But the difficult is to find who worth the sacrifice

September 24, 2011

very well said, Spark.......I've been observing this more and more in recent years----I think Facebook encourages that type of thinking--or facilitates it, at the very least.

This is an excellent description of true friendship, IMO.

A true friend will absolutely call you on the carpet if you're acting out of character.They'll be authentic.

.....and won't be offended if all your opinions don't match, either.

It's definitely a blessing, when you have a couple of friends like that.

great post free!

I have 2 very, very dear friends. One of them and I have a running joke that we have bail money for each other should the occasion every require it When my 3 year old niece died 2 years ago, when I returned home from out of state (we were on vacation when we heard about my niece), there were a ton of groceries on my step. She knew we had been gone a week, were getting home late and she wanted to make sure we didn't have to run to the store. She was by my side through the funeral (mainly to give my H a break from dealing with my grief). Unfortunately/fortunately - I was able to 'repay' her kindness earlier this year when her mom died unexpectedly. No words were needed, I was just there for her. We always joke about being roomies at the old folks home I would pretty much do anything for her and visa versa. THAT is a friend. When I am wrong, she tells me. When I am right, she supports me. She knows sometimes my emotions take over my brain and will set me straight or stand next to me when I go to battle.

I would surmise that a "yes man" type of friend is just a suck up who wants you to like them - not for who they are but for the way their lips just naturally gravitate to one's arse and the ego boost you get from having a lap dog. A little puppy to follow you about and mirror your every thought.

Ah yes, have seen those type and it is such a sorry sight. Purely someone who wants to hang with others and will do whatever they say.

September 24, 2011

great post free!

I have 2 very, very dear friends. One of them and I have a running joke that we have bail money for each other should the occasion every require it When my 3 year old niece died 2 years ago, when I returned home from out of state (we were on vacation when we heard about my niece), there were a ton of groceries on my step. She knew we had been gone a week, were getting home late and she wanted to make sure we didn't have to run to the store. She was by my side through the funeral (mainly to give my H a break from dealing with my grief). Unfortunately/fortunately - I was able to 'repay' her kindness earlier this year when her mom died unexpectedly. No words were needed, I was just there for her. We always joke about being roomies at the old folks home I would pretty much do anything for her and visa versa. THAT is a friend. When I am wrong, she tells me. When I am right, she supports me. She knows sometimes my emotions take over my brain and will set me straight or stand next to me when I go to battle.

Thank you kindly, Fooled Once ...but in all fairness, some credit should go to Miss Bee~~ I was echoing what she had posted...I think I might have boiled it down to the salt in the pan, is all....

Very sorry to hear about your niece--that's heartbreaking. I'm glad you had a true friend to step up to the plate in a time of need.Gestures like she did with the groceries can do so much towards easing pain in a trying time like that.

Your story about the groceries, reminds me of a saying I heard once describing true friendship:

A good friend helps you when you ask for help.

A GREAT friend helps before you even have to ask.

September 24, 2011

Why does this happen though? Fear? The people I know would gather even more tightly around the widower. This behavior makes no sense to me.

I can only guess why. Like I said, I think some of it may be they are uncomfortable, don't know what to say or do, so they avoid you. ... but I don't think those people were ever true friends. True friends would be there, doing whatever they could.

Human behavior, in many instances, makes no sense to me.

September 24, 2011

Anyway, it's a theory that I had myself.

You could go with one of my more general theories; People are morons.

September 24, 2011

You could go with one of my more general theories; People are morons.

In my cynicism I often think that about 99% of people are morons and I reckon I've met most of them.

GG

September 24, 2011

In my cynicism I often think that about 99% of people are morons and I reckon I've met most of them.

GG

Sometimes I think that, and I worry that I am narcissistic, but then I look at all the morons around me (I drive a lot), and I think, "No. There really are an awful lot of morons"

September 24, 2011

This thread strikes close to home for me. True friends are really hard to find. I think that I probably have two women who I think will always, always, have my best interests at heart. One lives across the country from me, but she's been there when I needed her. In fact, she dropped everything to be supportive of me when I became a BS (actually, we were living together, but "BSO" sounds confusing). I could tell her all that crap about everything, anytime in my life and she remained my friend.

I have another friend here who is more immediately in my life and whom I trust to have my best interests at heart. That's two.

There are probably a dozen who trust me that way, though. I guess that imbalance is fairly common.

Best,

Ellie

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