Friends

[SoMovinOn]

Friends seem to come up regularly here. In a recent thread, there is some talk of friends treated widowed people poorly. In other instances, friends come up in discussing A's - whether they know or not, what their opinions might be if they do know, what happens when they find out, what happens when there is a D, or a couple involved in an A get together, etc.

 

In my opinion, especially in cases where something negative is related to friends, is that some people are just willing to call too many people friends. People who are overly judgmental, who will turn their back on you at the drop of the hat, etc. ... those people are NOT friends, and never were.

 

I think finding a true friend is rare. Other people are acquaintances, or people you hang out with, or people you know... but they are not friends.

 

In my experience, when I meet someone who has a lot of friends, they rarely actually have any. They just know a bunch of people. I would think it rare for a person to have more than one or two true friends.

[Spark1111]

I recall as a teen my father explaining to me what real friends were. He told me most people can count their real friends on one hand. He was right.

 

Couldn't agree more!

 

There are a handful of people I could call, any hour of the day or night, after months, NO years!, and they would pick up the phone and we would take off where we had last spoken.

 

They would care, no matter what. They would make bail for me:laugh:. no questions asked.

 

The people who have to amass "friends" (truly acquaintances) are insecure, IMO. They need others to believe that they are truly well=liked and popular. Friends become a status symbol. They name drop often. It's sad.

 

Why? They probably were not truly well-liked and popular during the psycho-sexual phase of development in high school. They admired those who were.

 

They identified having many friends as a source of popularity, without ever understanding what it took to have that.

 

Confidence, a true self of sense, good judgement, and the ability to establish intimacy with others and throwing away the shallow (boundaries). Really shrewd people skills.

 

Friends do not hurt you or use you. Certainly, not over and over again.

[woinlove]

Friends seem to come up regularly here. In a recent thread, there is some talk of friends treated widowed people poorly. In other instances, friends come up in discussing A's - whether they know or not, what their opinions might be if they do know, what happens when they find out, what happens when there is a D, or a couple involved in an A get together, etc.

 

In my opinion, especially in cases where something negative is related to friends, is that some people are just willing to call too many people friends. People who are overly judgmental, who will turn their back on you at the drop of the hat, etc. ... those people are NOT friends, and never were.

 

I think finding a true friend is rare. Other people are acquaintances, or people you hang out with, or people you know... but they are not friends.

 

In my experience, when I meet someone who has a lot of friends, they rarely actually have any. They just know a bunch of people. I would think it rare for a person to have more than one or two true friends.

 

Yes, I think people may use the word friend interchangeably with acquaintance sometimes. Or they might use the word for someone they spend a lot of time with. But some people might not be capable of being a friend to anyone - no matter how much time they spend with them.

[Gentlegirl]

I am 63 and I can literally count my true friends on one hand. They have all been friends for about 30 years. They are tried and tested and I assume I am in their eyes also. TRUE BLUE as we Aussies call our real friends.

 

I have had a few people that I thought were friends but in a crisis they just crumbled .

 

Then there's family.... as we all know they can be of many varieties.

 

Then there's colleagues..

 

Then there's acquaintances.

 

Those five people are the ones I can truly count on to unselfishly help and listen, no matter what I do. It's certainly not family, although I love them most of all.

 

Family don't always give unconditional acceptance of what you do... that's what friends are for.

 

GG

[NoIDidn't]

Friends seem to come up regularly here. In a recent thread, there is some talk of friends treated widowed people poorly. In other instances, friends come up in discussing A's - whether they know or not, what their opinions might be if they do know, what happens when they find out, what happens when there is a D, or a couple involved in an A get together, etc.

 

In my opinion, especially in cases where something negative is related to friends, is that some people are just willing to call too many people friends. People who are overly judgmental, who will turn their back on you at the drop of the hat, etc. ... those people are NOT friends, and never were.

 

I think finding a true friend is rare. Other people are acquaintances, or people you hang out with, or people you know... but they are not friends.

 

In my experience, when I meet someone who has a lot of friends, they rarely actually have any. They just know a bunch of people. I would think it rare for a person to have more than one or two true friends.

 

I am a bit confused about the OP. Is there a question or just a topic for discussion? It seemed, initially, to be asking if the negative reaction of a friend to finding out about your affair made them a "true friend" or not. But then it seemed to only go into a rant about people that don't agree with your choices that you used to call friends, not being "true friends" or true enough friends because they have an opinion on your actions that you find "judgmental".

 

I am of the opinion that much of what you right about people knowing a lot of people but not having any actual friends, is true more often than not. BUT, I think that people who demand that their friends only always agree with them, never show any level of disapproval of their behavior or actions, or only support them in what they want aren't after friends - they are after puppets.

 

I'd rather my friends have their own opinions and feelings, not the ones I want them to have. There is nothing wrong with a friend helping a friend move through the stages of grief or get out of an unfulfilling affair.

 

Many people in affairs end up isolated because they abuse friendships, not because their friends weren't "true".

 

("you" in this post is GENERAL. thanks.)

[woinlove]

I thought maybe this thread was stimulated by the one describing an A with her "best friend's husband". The OP didn't mention that example explicitly, but, really, what can one say about a situation like that.

[donnamaybe]

I am of the opinion that much of what you right about people knowing a lot of people but not having any actual friends, is true more often than not. BUT, I think that people who demand that their friends only always agree with them, never show any level of disapproval of their behavior or actions, or only support them in what they want aren't after friends - they are after puppets.

 

I'd rather my friends have their own opinions and feelings, not the ones I want them to have. There is nothing wrong with a friend helping a friend move through the stages of grief or get out of an unfulfilling affair.

 

Many people in affairs end up isolated because they abuse friendships, not because their friends weren't "true".

Yep. A TRUE friend wouldn't expect you to participate in a shytestorm brought on by their drama which they CHOOSE to bring into their own life. My friends aren't narcissistic like that.

[MissBee]

Friends seem to come up regularly here. In a recent thread, there is some talk of friends treated widowed people poorly. In other instances, friends come up in discussing A's - whether they know or not, what their opinions might be if they do know, what happens when they find out, what happens when there is a D, or a couple involved in an A get together, etc.

 

In my opinion, especially in cases where something negative is related to friends, is that some people are just willing to call too many people friends. People who are overly judgmental, who will turn their back on you at the drop of the hat, etc. ... those people are NOT friends, and never were.

 

I think finding a true friend is rare. Other people are acquaintances, or people you hang out with, or people you know... but they are not friends .

 

In my experience, when I meet someone who has a lot of friends, they rarely actually have any. They just know a bunch of people. I would think it rare for a person to have more than one or two true friends.

 

 

I agree 100%.

 

I saw someone saying they're having an affair with their bestfriend's husband and I felt like calling that woman her bestfriend is a misnomer as how can the two co-exist?

 

 

I have acquaintances and associates who are more fair weather people that I may chit chat with and even hang out with but they are very compartmentalized for me and our friendship is around a specific activity/interest etc versus a deep bond that is in all areas of my life. As I say that I think of the compartmentalization of areas and how that relates to affairs. But in any case, those friends are people with whom I am close only in certain ways and not in others; it's not very holistic.

 

I have 2 very good friends though who pretty much have VIP access to who I am and at any given point they know what's going on with me as we always check in with each other and provide sounding boards for each other.One knows me more than the other and a bit longer, but nevertheless both are people with whom I can always expect an open arm, shoulder to cry on, feedback and support in ALL things. Our friendship is a lot more holistic and encompasses the spiritual, physical, social and intellectual areas of my life. We do not always agree but for the most part we're friends because we have similar ideologies and values and I respect and trust their opinions. They have my best interest at heart and know me enough to point out when I am doing things unlike myself, when I am BSing, when I'm being inauthentic and they bring the real me out. I can be my 100% self with them, flaws and all and they accept me but also have no problems challenging me, as I do them. I love them dearly like family and my family loves and knows them well too and vice-versa

Edited September 19, 2011 by MissBee

[pureinheart]

Friends seem to come up regularly here. In a recent thread, there is some talk of friends treated widowed people poorly. In other instances, friends come up in discussing A's - whether they know or not, what their opinions might be if they do know, what happens when they find out, what happens when there is a D, or a couple involved in an A get together, etc.

 

In my opinion, especially in cases where something negative is related to friends, is that some people are just willing to call too many people friends. People who are overly judgmental, who will turn their back on you at the drop of the hat, etc. ... those people are NOT friends, and never were.

 

I think finding a true friend is rare. Other people are acquaintances, or people you hang out with, or people you know... but they are not friends.

 

In my experience, when I meet someone who has a lot of friends, they rarely actually have any. They just know a bunch of people. I would think it rare for a person to have more than one or two true friends.

 

 

Excellent topic. I love discussing friends.

 

My definition of a true friend, is one who loves you no matter what, through thick and thin.

 

I also believe there are certain people only meant to be in our lives for a season.

 

I've only been stabbed in the back a couple of times in my life and concerning the various catagories, I have a lot in all catagories that you mention.

 

This is how it happened, I went to two of the three high schools in my area. I lived in all of the towns in my area. Two of my employers employed massive amounts of people from my area and then some. Through these people I met people connected to them. I am a people person.

 

I have a big family coupled with extended families. My daughter married into a really big family of which I love every one of them with all of my heart. My kids are very popular and I am mom to all of my kids friends. Now adding all of the people that they know...wow.

 

In my previous definition of a friend will add loyalty. I have a lot of people in my life that match my definitions. Those that are not true friends just seem to disappear.

 

I can't tell you how many wonderful things my friends have done for me.

[Silly_Girl]

Yep. A TRUE friend wouldn't expect you to participate in a shytestorm brought on by their drama which they CHOOSE to bring into their own life. My friends aren't narcissistic like that.

 

It's not about participating is it? You say (in previous threads) you would cease to associate with a friend ego entered an EMR. You said that would be the end of the friendship. Despite your own experience as OW/BS. Or do you now mean friends ego expect you to lie for them are the ones off the Christmas cars list?

 

I wouldn't turn a true friend away like that, never have. I realise repeated behaviours can start to threaten a friendship but that's rare in my view.

[Love Me Tender]

Yep. A TRUE friend wouldn't expect you to participate in a shytestorm brought on by their drama which they CHOOSE to bring into their own life. My friends aren't narcissistic like that.

 

Forgive me for being new here but how did we go from discussing true friends to blaming friends for their choices? If we are a true friend to them we will steer them in the direction we think is right for them... If they ask. It sounds like you might label your friends to quickly and then turn your back on them. Sorry but I call it as I see it.

[jthorne]

I am a bit confused about the OP. Is there a question or just a topic for discussion? It seemed, initially, to be asking if the negative reaction of a friend to finding out about your affair made them a "true friend" or not. But then it seemed to only go into a rant about people that don't agree with your choices that you used to call friends, not being "true friends" or true enough friends because they have an opinion on your actions that you find "judgmental".

 

I am of the opinion that much of what you right about people knowing a lot of people but not having any actual friends, is true more often than not. BUT, I think that people who demand that their friends only always agree with them, never show any level of disapproval of their behavior or actions, or only support them in what they want aren't after friends - they are after puppets.

 

I'd rather my friends have their own opinions and feelings, not the ones I want them to have. There is nothing wrong with a friend helping a friend move through the stages of grief or get out of an unfulfilling affair.

 

Many people in affairs end up isolated because they abuse friendships, not because their friends weren't "true".

 

("you" in this post is GENERAL. thanks.)

I agree with you, but while we don't always share the same opinions on everything, my true friends and I do (now) share the same values.

 

I had to learn the hard way on the underlined.

 

My definition of a true friend, is one who loves you no matter what, through thick and thin.

I used to have this belief, but after some experience I find it a bit dangerous.

 

I've posted before about my "friend" I met in college. She was a mess from the beginning- most of her "relationships" were with MM, she became an alcoholic and drug addict, a manipulative person, and an emotional vampire. I stuck by her through all of her trials and tribulations because I felt that it was my duty to her as a friend.

 

I endured the 2am phone calls, I endured her trying to sabotage my relationships with other people, etc etc etc. I really tried to help her. I tried to encourage her to get professional help, to no avail. She kept hurting herself and others to the point where I could no longer support her actions. Once, she called me early in the morning, telling me that they had no money for food because her H had spent it all on cocaine. A lie. Another time, she told me she needed money to move out because her H was beating her. Another lie. The final straw was when she called my H at work, claiming she was going to attempt suicide. She lived in another state, so we had no way of knowing what was really going on. It was yet another lie.

 

I finally had to tell her we couldn't continue the friendship, and she retaliated by basically cyberstalking me and my H and telling tall tales to our mutual friends.

 

All because I tried to be her friend and love her for who she was. Where is she now? Dead from a drug overdose.

A hard lesson learned.

Despite your own experience as OW/BS.

As an aside, I've seen people try to pin this label on donna a number of times. I have to wonder why they have such a fervid need to discredit her.

[donnamaybe]

As an aside, I've seen people try to pin this label on donna a number of times. I have to wonder why they have such a fervid need to discredit her.

All up in the koolaid and do NOT know the flavor.

 

It seems to be quite an obsession, doesn't it?

[jthorne]

Not discrediting. I don't judge Donna for being getting involved with a man in a long-term relationship, especially after her boyfriend treated her badly. She is judging herself. Which is why she denies her old username despite it being blatantly obvious it's the same person at quite a detailed level. It's a real shame because there's no need to hide that here. Although there are folk who will continue to do so, even offering several different stories to try and cover tracks. I think the best support is available to those who come and post openly and freely. They're the ones who make the best use of the advice and support too.

It's not blatantly obvious to me, it seems it is only obvious to those that don't agree with her. She has consistently corrected anyone who has made the accusation. But since you continue to try to pin the label on her, we can only assume it is done out of malice.

 

I assume you are aware that trying to defame someone is a violation of Community Guidelines. Not really the issue though. The end result is that those that do this kind of thing just end up looking like they are trying to discredit. And again, I have to wonder what is so threatening that one would find that necessary.

 

ETA: Apologies SMO for the diversion. Further discussion should take place elsewhere so your thread isn't jacked.

Edited September 21, 2011 by jthorne

[woinlove]

Not discrediting. I don't judge Donna for being getting involved with a man in a long-term relationship, especially after her boyfriend treated her badly. She is judging herself. Which is why she denies her old username despite it being blatantly obvious it's the same person at quite a detailed level. It's a real shame because there's no need to hide that here. Although there are folk who will continue to do so, even offering several different stories to try and cover tracks. I think the best support is available to those who come and post openly and freely. They're the ones who make the best use of the advice and support too.

 

A few possibly relevant facts:

 

Donna registered as donna in 2008.

Silly Girl registered as Silly Girl in 2010.

In 2011, Silly Girl accuses donna of having had an old username before donna.

 

 

Prediction:

 

Nonsense will continue into 2012.

 

And they say you can't predict the future.

[jthorne]

A few possibly relevant facts:

 

Donna registered as donna in 2008.

Silly Girl registered as Silly Girl in 2010.

In 2011, Silly Girl accuses donna of having had an old username before donna.

 

 

Prediction:

 

Nonsense will continue into 2012.

 

And they say you can't predict the future.

Well, here is what I don't get. There is someone posting on another LS board with circumstances, location and posting style identical to Silly's. That girl is posting that her BF who lives 2 hours away dumped her for a second time because he never intended to move to her city. So would it be ok for us to assume that the other poster is really Silly, and that she has really been dumped by her MM despite her posts here to the contrary?

 

Seems a bit disrespectful, and what would be the point?

 

**Apologies again, SMO. Now I really am done with the subject, and promise not to revisit it again on this thread.**

[Silly_Girl]

It's not blatantly obvious to me, it seems it is only obvious to those that don't agree with her. She has consistently corrected anyone who has made the accusation. But since you continue to try to pin the label on her, we can only assume it is done out of malice.

 

I assume you are aware that trying to defame someone is a violation of Community Guidelines. Not really the issue though. The end result is that those that do this kind of thing just end up looking like they are trying to discredit. And again, I have to wonder what is so threatening that one would find that necessary.

 

ETA: Apologies SMO for the diversion. Further discussion should take place elsewhere so your thread isn't jacked.

 

Are you Tony?!!

 

There's no question as to the IDs but it's okay if you've no time to go back and read.

[Silly_Girl]

Well, here is what I don't get. There is someone posting on another LS board with circumstances, location and posting style identical to Silly's. That girl is posting that her BF who lives 2 hours away dumped her for a second time because he never intended to move to her city. So would it be ok for us to assume that the other poster is really Silly, and that she has really been dumped by her MM despite her posts here to the contrary?

 

Seems a bit disrespectful, and what would be the point?

 

**Apologies again, SMO. Now I really am done with the subject, and promise not to revisit it again on this thread.**

 

Hey c'mon! Every new militant poster is ME! Except none of them are and it's a constant source of mirth for me.

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by Silly_Girl

Not discrediting. I don't judge Donna for being getting involved with a man in a long-term relationship, especially after her boyfriend treated her badly. She is judging herself. Which is why she denies her old username despite it being blatantly obvious it's the same person at quite a detailed level. It's a real shame because there's no need to hide that here. Although there are folk who will continue to do so, even offering several different stories to try and cover tracks. I think the best support is available to those who come and post openly and freely. They're the ones who make the best use of the advice and support too.

 

So who cares? And who are you (Tony?? ) to point that out? I don't think it's fair to point that out publically.

 

I know of 10 people on here, some of which are in this section who used to have older usernames and even now we all know a bunch who are banned and continually come back as "new" users.

 

Are you Tony?!!

 

There's no question as to the IDs but it's okay if you've no time to go back and read.

 

It's sad if someone wants to go back and dig up older posts and compare to see if stories match with different usernames. Enough said..

[Silly_Girl]

So who cares? And who are you (Tony?? ) to point that out? I don't think it's fair to point that out publically.

 

I know of 10 people on here, some of which are in this section who used to have older usernames and even now we all know a bunch who are banned and continually come back as "new" users.

 

 

 

It's sad if someone wants to go back and dig up older posts and compare to see if stories match with different usernames. Enough said..

 

Someone did it in another part of LS. Watercooler I think. Donna probably remembers, but wasn't me.

[donnamaybe]

It's sad if someone wants to go back and dig up older posts and compare to see if stories match with different usernames. Enough said..

A direct reflection on real life methinks.

[donnamaybe]

Well, here is what I don't get. There is someone posting on another LS board with circumstances, location and posting style identical to Silly's. That girl is posting that her BF who lives 2 hours away dumped her for a second time because he never intended to move to her city. So would it be ok for us to assume that the other poster is really Silly, and that she has really been dumped by her MM despite her posts here to the contrary?

 

Seems a bit disrespectful, and what would be the point?

 

**Apologies again, SMO. Now I really am done with the subject, and promise not to revisit it again on this thread.**

Is that about the guy who never did file for D?

[fooled once]

I am a bit confused about the OP. Is there a question or just a topic for discussion? It seemed, initially, to be asking if the negative reaction of a friend to finding out about your affair made them a "true friend" or not. But then it seemed to only go into a rant about people that don't agree with your choices that you used to call friends, not being "true friends" or true enough friends because they have an opinion on your actions that you find "judgmental".

 

I am of the opinion that much of what you right about people knowing a lot of people but not having any actual friends, is true more often than not. BUT, I think that people who demand that their friends only always agree with them, never show any level of disapproval of their behavior or actions, or only support them in what they want aren't after friends - they are after puppets.

 

I'd rather my friends have their own opinions and feelings, not the ones I want them to have. There is nothing wrong with a friend helping a friend move through the stages of grief or get out of an unfulfilling affair.

 

Many people in affairs end up isolated because they abuse friendships, not because their friends weren't "true".

 

("you" in this post is GENERAL. thanks.)

 

Great post!

 

It's not blatantly obvious to me, it seems it is only obvious to those that don't agree with her. She has consistently corrected anyone who has made the accusation. But since you continue to try to pin the label on her, we can only assume it is done out of malice.

 

I assume you are aware that trying to defame someone is a violation of Community Guidelines. Not really the issue though. The end result is that those that do this kind of thing just end up looking like they are trying to discredit. And again, I have to wonder what is so threatening that one would find that necessary.

 

ETA: Apologies SMO for the diversion. Further discussion should take place elsewhere so your thread isn't jacked.

 

I am not understanding the need for Silly to continue to take jabs at Donna and continue to try to discredit her. It seems her post was deleted (thank you Tony), but until she stops the behavior, it will just continue

 

A few possibly relevant facts:

 

Donna registered as donna in 2008.

Silly Girl registered as Silly Girl in 2010.

In 2011, Silly Girl accuses donna of having had an old username before donna.

 

Thank you woe for demonstrating what so many of us know already. This is really getting petty and I don't understand why it continues. They have their own board, why the continual need to come here and do this kind of stuff.

 

Donna, I am sorry you are the target this. I believe this type of behavior was discussed in the "General" section about immature and childish behavior.

[fooled once]

Someone did it in another part of LS. Watercooler I think. Donna probably remembers, but wasn't me.

 

So what? So what if "someone" did it. You owe Donna an apology. This is getting really petty and vindictive.

 

Why do you say "donna probably remembers?" Again, why are you continuing this type of behavior?? If you have an issue with Donna, take it up in PM instead of the continual jabs on the boards!

[freestyle]

Couldn't agree more!

 

There are a handful of people I could call, any hour of the day or night, after months, NO years!, and they would pick up the phone and we would take off where we had last spoken.

 

They would care, no matter what. They would make bail for me:laugh:. no questions asked.

The people who have to amass "friends" (truly acquaintances) are insecure, IMO. They need others to believe that they are truly well=liked and popular. Friends become a status symbol. They name drop often. It's sad.

Why? They probably were not truly well-liked and popular during the psycho-sexual phase of development in high school. They admired those who were.

 

They identified having many friends as a source of popularity, without ever understanding what it took to have that.

 

Confidence, a true self of sense, good judgement, and the ability to establish intimacy with others and throwing away the shallow (boundaries). Really shrewd people skills.

 

Friends do not hurt you or use you. Certainly, not over and over again.

 

 

very well said, Spark.......I've been observing this more and more in recent years----I think Facebook encourages that type of thinking--or facilitates it, at the very least.

 

I agree 100%.

 

I saw someone saying they're having an affair with their bestfriend's husband and I felt like calling that woman her bestfriend is a misnomer as how can the two co-exist?

 

 

I have acquaintances and associates who are more fair weather people that I may chit chat with and even hang out with but they are very compartmentalized for me and our friendship is around a specific activity/interest etc versus a deep bond that is in all areas of my life. As I say that I think of the compartmentalization of areas and how that relates to affairs. But in any case, those friends are people with whom I am close only in certain ways and not in others; it's not very holistic.

 

I have 2 very good friends though who pretty much have VIP access to who I am and at any given point they know what's going on with me as we always check in with each other and provide sounding boards for each other.One knows me more than the other and a bit longer, but nevertheless both are people with whom I can always expect an open arm, shoulder to cry on, feedback and support in ALL things. Our friendship is a lot more holistic and encompasses the spiritual, physical, social and intellectual areas of my life. We do not always agree but for the most part we're friends because we have similar ideologies and values and I respect and trust their opinions. They have my best interest at heart and know me enough to point out when I am doing things unlike myself, when I am BSing, when I'm being inauthentic and they bring the real me out. I can be my 100% self with them, flaws and all and they accept me but also have no problems challenging me, as I do them. I love them dearly like family and my family loves and knows them well too and vice-versa

 

This is an excellent description of true friendship, IMO.

 

A true friend will absolutely call you on the carpet if you're acting out of character.They'll be authentic.

 

.....and won't be offended if all your opinions don't match, either.

 

It's definitely a blessing, when you have a couple of friends like that.