Feeling heartbroken, would love some support

[ellen0714]

A week ago today, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. He was my first and only serious relationship. I was the one who did the breaking up, but it was because I could tell that he just wasn't in love with me the same way I am in love with him and I wanted to end it while we both still loved each other as friends. I was sad, of course, but it didn't really sink in until today, when he came over to hang out and have some dinner since we want to try and still be friends. The entire time I was wishing we could just be the way we used to be, and as soon as he left I broke down and texted him, asking if there was a way we could try to start from the beginning and give it another go, but of course he said no. Now, I know I was the one who initiated the break up, but I'm still in love with him and knowing that now we don't have a chance at ever being together again just kills me and I'm having a complete breakdown. I feel so heartbroken and lonely and I just want to hear if anyone else has gone through anything like this, and how it went for them. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? My sister and friends tell me that it will feel better in time, but that doesn't do much for the hurt I'm feeling now. Part of me knows I should distance myself from him, but he was always my best friend first and foremost and I don't want to lose that.

 

 

I initially posted this in the "breaks and breaking up" thread but I realized I should have posted it here

[Mack05]

Well I posted this in your other thread. Hope this helps..

 

Ellen here is my NC guide I have posted here a few times. The longer you stay attached the longer the journey Back. As hard as this is (and your first broken heart, is probably the most gut wrenching that have to go through) you have to accept he is no longer committed to the relationship and because he is no longer committed to the relationship YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS. I cannot emphasise this enough..You need to start no contact as of now. Here is why....

 

"I am reading a pretty helpful book (one of many I have read recently) called Getting Past your breakup ->http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Y.../dp/B0026A6C4U

 

There is a great section in the book called The Rules of disengagement, which is basically a chapter written about 'No Contact'. The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex NO MATTER WHAT. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message or email your ex. You will not check his or her Facebook or Myspace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental meeting" with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and talk it through with your family and friends. Therefore not acting on it immediately.

 

There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below..

 

1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing..

 

2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours.

 

4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again.

 

5) I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on.

 

6) Im just so Horny! Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it.

 

7) We run in the same circles. There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be prefessional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't.

 

I am now nearly 2 months NC. I have nearly broke NC quite a few times. Happily I didn't. Here are a few things I did when I was close to breaking NC

 

1) Write a journal/diary first thought that was in my head. Don't edit it..

2) Write Letters to my ex that I am never going to send..

3) Call a friend of family member for support and Vent on LS..

4) Take a long hot bath..

5) Picked up some new hobbies or really focused on the stuff I love doing. During my relationship and the afermath, I lost my passion for alot of things I used to love. I went out and got my passion back..

6) Go for a long scenic walk..

7) Go to the gym..

8) Pampered myself. Went off to a hotel for the day in the country with 2 bottles of cheap champagne. Happy days!

9) When I started to overthinking about my ex and her faults/behaviour, I reeled myself back and focused on me again..

10) Wrote short term and long term goals and tick them off one by one..

 

Remember continuing to seek contact or respond to contact just keeps you stuck and adds to your hurt. It's counterproductive to building a new and meaningful life. We all deserve better..."

[Mack05]

Adding another post I use regulary..Hope it helps..

 

I know hard it is but try get yourself out this weekend/this week. Anything. A walk, gym, night out. It's key to keep your mind occupied during this 'denial' phase of grief. Denial -> This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle. As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface..

 

Ellen here is a doc I used to help me move on. It was written for a guy, but the same principals apply for a girl.

 

1) Is it really over? Maybe she's testing you? Maybe you're testing her? Maybe this is the 10th time you've 'broken up' in as many months? Only you know if this really is the end, but if it is, take your fingers off the keypad. "You need to talk about it," says Kate Taylor, relationship expert at match.com. "But not to her. Repeat, not to her."

 

2) Chat to girls. But not like that. At least, not yet. "Instead of spending hours crafting the perfect 'casual, yet meaningful...' text message to your ex, spend the time talking it out with your friends instead," says Taylor. "Female friends are perfect, as they'll be sympathetic and supportive and will encourage you to get everything emotional out in the open." That's a good thing, apparently.

 

3) Clean her out. We don't mean financially. We mean, clean her out of your life, or if that's impossible, at least get rid of reminders of her from your home. It will be painful, and there'll always be the temptation to stare mournfully at old photos wondering about what might have been. But it's for the best, because from now on it's your space again."If the whole place reminds you of her, move some furniture around, redecorate, or make small changes like covering the sofa in a new throw," says Taylor. "Ask your female friends what a 'throw' is," she adds, unhelpfully. This won't just stop you being surrounded by memories. Apparently, novelty helps boost your brain's dopamine stores, which will lift your mood

 

4) Get Fit. Breaking up is not just one long dark night of the soul, even if sometimes it feels like it. There are opportunities for self-improvement too, and one of them is to get fit, which will make you feel better about yourself, your body and life in general. In fact, a good idea is to hit the gym on those occasions when you used to see her, which can be the most maudlin times of all. "Channel your misery into physical activity - running, cross-training, rowing, swimming... anything where you can challenge yourself," says Taylor. "It will release naturally anti-depressant endorphins, distract your mind from repetitive ex-thoughts, and put you in an environment filled with fit, attractive women." This last point is important. You might not feel like dating right now, but seeing those hard-bodied babes will at least make you realise that - wonderful though she was... is.... whatever - she isn't the only girl in the world.

 

5) Do New stuff. Play chess, learn to cook, join the work squash league, start collecting model trains...anything. Apparently, we can only hold seven thoughts at one time. If you fill your brain up with other stuff, you'll slowly squeeze out thoughts of your ex. And of course during one or two of those activities you might meet other women... not that you're interested in any of that. Yet

 

6) Get ahead work wise. One way to squeeze thoughts of her out of your head is to ask for new tasks at work, which has the added bonus of making you look conscientious and hard working and putting you in line for a promotion. Throwing yourself into work, like hitting the gym, is one way to get positives out of what at first looks like a wholly negative event. "Not only will new challenges break up your daily routine, but it will be a positive distraction," says Taylor. "It doesn't matter if it's driven by wanting to impress your ex at the start - 'If I get a brilliant new job, she'll want me back' - this will be short lived."As time passes, you'll enjo the new challenge for itself and success at work will boost your self-esteem."

 

7) Take an evening class to boost your career skills, or a weekend course to learn a new language. Again, it's a good idea to schedule this kind of stuff for the times you used to see her, to emphasise the psychological boost of squeezing positive benefits from a bad situation.

 

8) Do the things she hates. No, not ringing her repeatedly at four in the morning and threatening her goldfish - these things will get you a court order. Instead, do all the stuff that you really like doing but she hated, just to prove that life without her won't be all bad. For example, if she loved beach holidays, book a city break with a mate. That way you won't be tempted to spend the whole time wondering what you'd be doing if she was with you. In the same vein, watch favourite films you know she didn't like, go to old man pubs rather than the swanky bars she preferred, and wear the jeans you love but she turned her nose up at.

 

9) In fact, talk to The Boys. Once you're over the initial shock of the break-up, your male friends become an invaluable resource for fun and forgetting (not so much straight away, when female friends may be more useful - see above)."Later on, your male mates will come into their own, teasing you to cheer you up and taking you back out on the town," says Taylor. And by confiding in them, bantering with them and being out with them, you reinforce the bonds of your friendship. Even blokes can get a bit distracted in a heavy relationship. Another positive of your break-up may be the opportunity to reconnect with the friends who will be with you as girlfriends come and go. Slowly but surely, get back in the game...Only you'll know when it's the right time to date again, and there's nothing wrong in taking it very slowly indeed. As long as you're honest and up front, it's OK to look for no-strings arrangements, too."It's alright to take things slow for a while and allow a bit of time to regain your confidence. Online dating can be a great way of doing this as it gives you the chance to connect with new people even when you're perhaps not quite up to that first date just yet," says Taylor.

 

10) And by the time you're thinking about other women, however tentatively, you can breathe a huge sigh of relief. You're over the worst, and you've broken up without breaking down. You've even made yourself a better catch in the process. It's been a long road, but you've come a long way baby!