manna Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 My friend has been married to his wife for a few years and I believe that his wife is emotionally abusive. He is the breadwinner, but they have a joint account and she goes through all of his finances to make sure that she knows what he spends his money on. He has to ask for her permission to go out to eat with coworkers and friends. He has to get her permission to be friends with people, particularly women. On a few occasions, she has thrown glass items at him. Every time she calls him at work, he feels compelled to pick up the phone on the first or second ring, or else she will ask him where he was. She reads his private and work email accounts and goes through his phone. I am worried about him. He says that he is hoping that things will change, but he is scared of bringing up the issue with her for fear that she will give him a hard time. Every time she asks him if he is satisfied with the marriage, he lies and says he is happy, and then confesses to me that he is not happy and has been thinking about divorce for a while. He feels that he can never be honest with his wife because she will throw a fit if he says that he is unhappy or if he conveys any negative emotions about the relationship. He consistently lies to his wife about his feelings. What can he do in this situation? I am worried about him.
FeelingSmall Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Well, communication is key. As an outsider you probably don't know the entire story. To your knowledge has she a reason to be suspicious? He MUST talk to her about it. Let her know just how miserable he is and only then can things be resolved. That's pretty much the only avenue. If he doesn't voice what's bothering him nothing will ever change and he'll be unhappy forever. Or until he just divorces her. Marriage counseling sounds like it would be needed if there's anything left to salvage. Her insecurity (If unwarranted) would need to be addressed and boundaries set. Is this something that is new? Has it been going on the whole time? I can't imagine putting up with that for years... Or marrying someone who already acted like that.
Lucky_One Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 What exactly is your role in the love triangle? EA or PA?
Author manna Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 (edited) It's been going on for years. She is the only woman he has ever been with (yes, I'm serious) so she really has no reason to be paranoid. He started dating her when he was quite young and immature. She has always been the dominant one in the relationship. Edited September 18, 2011 by manna
Author manna Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 Financial records should be shared. A husband and wife should be comfortable with any friendships held by their spouse with members of the opposite sex. Checking with your spouse before you make other plans is a courtesy. Those things in themselves are not cause for concern. So what about her behavior specifically makes you believe she's emotionally abusive? Checking with your spouse for permission to go to lunch with coworkers during the workday is not a courtesy. Going through your emails and phone is evidence of controlling behavior. Fine tooth combing spending is evidence of controlling behavior. Expecting immediate responses at work is evidence of controlling behavior. Telling your spouse to cut out your parents and family is evidence of controlling behavior.
Lucky_One Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Manna, why are you so interested in this man's marriage?
Woggle Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Until he is ready to get out and take back his life there is nothing you can do it. Also the people here saying this is not abusive I wonder how they would feel if the genders were reversed.
Lucky_One Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Manna, it looks pretty obvious that you are either the OW, or the wanna-be-OW. And from prior experience, it is very likely that he is feeding you a line of bullcrap. Most couples have one person in charge of family finances, and that person DOES go through credit card bills (ever been over-charged for something wrongfully?) and bank statements (ever had a deposit credited to someone else's account?). Most couples DO take phone calls from each other while at work. Most couples DO say "What did you do today?" "Where did you go today?" "Who did you eat lunch with today?" This called "sharing your life and your activities with your spouse"; typically this isn't an issue, because there is no reason to hide or prevaricate about what he/she is doing. Some couples have previous issues with debt, or have a specific goal for saving (a new house, a vacation, a boat, a hot tub, etc), and things like lunches out are costly and are usually not budgeted for every day occurrences. Most couples are wise to limit opposite sex friendships, especially if one spouse is not part of the friendship. I wouldn't be very happy if my H were close friends with a girl at work that I had never met or was never invited to lunch with or didn't exchange calls/texts with. It is far too easy for a "work friendship" to turn into an EA and then a PA. I can read my H's emails - work and personal - because they are on his blackberry and we know each other's passcodes. He can read mine. There aren't any secrets there. Again - this only becomes a problem if there is something that someone is hiding. We don't go through each other's phones, but we might in the future, if we thought that we were hiding things from each other. This is classic MM-speak. He tells his OW all of this for several reasons. It makes his OW angry on his behalf (poor widdle MM!!), and this helps her bond with him against the bad controlling BS. It makes the OW more understanding when MM can't spend money on a hotel room or too many lunches, so OW opens up her wallet, too. It also gives the OW fewer methods of contacting the MM, so his time on evenings and weekends isn't interrupted by texts/emails/calls from OW. Good luck.
Author manna Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 (edited) I'm neither, actually, and happily in a relationship with another. I'm just particularly sensitive to these types of issues because I left my ex-husband because he was too controlling and emotionally abusive. Most abusers don't seem to realize that they are abusive. If you really do all of those things, it sounds like you might be an abusive and controlling wife. My ex husband was similarly controlling and abusive, among other things, so I tend to be more sensitive to these types of issues than people who have no idea what it's like to be the victim. I guess you would obviously side with the abuser, since you tend to do similar things, while I naturally side with the victim because I know what it's like to be completely miserable in an abusive, controlling relationship. Gender does play a role in how people to respond to abusive situations. Abusive women are often depicted merely as strong women, as opposed to what they really are, abusive spouses who mistreat their spouses and do not deserve to be with anyone. It irks me when people associate controlling behavior with "intimacy" and having a trusting relationship. Fact is, a controlling spouse's partner probably resents them, as I did my ex-husband, and the victim will eventually leave this person. Edited September 18, 2011 by manna
Lucky_One Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 So a mere friend told you all of the most intimate details of his marriage? Why would he do that? And why do you believe him without knowing his wife's side of this? And what does your partner think of you being this emotionally intimate with a mere co-worker? To use your own example, wouldn't it have been wrong if your controlling XH told mere friends that you were an irresponsible shopaholic with a drinking problem and a penchant for one-night stands, and that he had to micro-manage your marriage in order to save you from yourself? Rather than these mere friends simply believing your controlling XH, wouldn't it have been nice if they had found out the whole story?
country_gurl Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 My friend has been married to his wife for a few years and I believe that his wife is emotionally abusive. He is the breadwinner, but they have a joint account and she goes through all of his finances to make sure that she knows what he spends his money on. He has to ask for her permission to go out to eat with coworkers and friends. He has to get her permission to be friends with people, particularly women. On a few occasions, she has thrown glass items at him. Every time she calls him at work, he feels compelled to pick up the phone on the first or second ring, or else she will ask him where he was. She reads his private and work email accounts and goes through his phone. I am worried about him. He says that he is hoping that things will change, but he is scared of bringing up the issue with her for fear that she will give him a hard time. Every time she asks him if he is satisfied with the marriage, he lies and says he is happy, and then confesses to me that he is not happy and has been thinking about divorce for a while. He feels that he can never be honest with his wife because she will throw a fit if he says that he is unhappy or if he conveys any negative emotions about the relationship. He consistently lies to his wife about his feelings. What can he do in this situation? I am worried about him. Keep in mind that my response to you would be no different if you were posting about a married female friend who was being treated the way you describe by her husband....so my response is not to be misconstrued as me taking his wife's side because she's a woman and so am I. Her behavior sounds like someone who doesn't trust her husband and perhaps there is very, very good reason. Perhaps he's cheated on her in the past, whether an emotional affair or a full-blown physical affair and as such, she's watching him like a hawk because he's promised he'll never cheat again. Keep in mind that your friend, if he has cheated on his wife or participated in behavior that was disrespectful to his wife/marriage, he's likely not going to admit it to you or anyone and will very possibly enjoy being viewed as the innocent victim.
country_gurl Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I'm neither, actually, and happily in a relationship with another. I'm just particularly sensitive to these types of issues because I left my ex-husband because he was too controlling and emotionally abusive. Most abusers don't seem to realize that they are abusive. If you really do all of those things, it sounds like you might be an abusive and controlling wife. My ex husband was similarly controlling and abusive, among other things, so I tend to be more sensitive to these types of issues than people who have no idea what it's like to be the victim. I guess you would obviously side with the abuser, since you tend to do similar things, while I naturally side with the victim because I know what it's like to be completely miserable in an abusive, controlling relationship. Gender does play a role in how people to respond to abusive situations. Abusive women are often depicted merely as strong women, as opposed to what they really are, abusive spouses who mistreat their spouses and do not deserve to be with anyone. It irks me when people associate controlling behavior with "intimacy" and having a trusting relationship. Fact is, a controlling spouse's partner probably resents them, as I did my ex-husband, and the victim will eventually leave this person. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....I guess I should have read the entire thread before responding because now some very relevant info emerges. You are a divorced FEMALE friend of this allegedly abused married man. Color me stupid but I would bet the farm that: a) you and he are having, at the least, an emotional affair b) based on the above (spouses generally aren't stupid and they can sense when their partner is up to no good), she senses that something's not right, he's not being truthful about things...and as such, she doesn't trust him c) you're buying all of his "I'm just a poor victim of a terrible abusive wife" BS and you just wish he'd leave her so that you and he could ride off into the sunset. Why is he confiding in you about the personal details of his marriage? Having personally been involved in a very controlling and abusive marriage myself, I can tell you that what you described in your original post does not even come close to me as a guy who's being abused. It does, however, read like a guy who is having an inappropriate secret relationship with you, his wife is onto it (perhaps this isn't his first rodeo) and she's reacting accordingly. I would venture to guess that she manages the money not because she's a scrooge but perhaps because he's been caught spending their money on suspicious things (bogus trips out of town, flowers that weren't for her, hotel rooms, jewelry that wasn't for her, you get my drift). And just remember.................married men who cheat always tell their 'special friend' how awful their wife is and it's a sharp woman who doesn't fall for the BS. Does the shoe fit?
country_gurl Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Checking with your spouse for permission to go to lunch with coworkers during the workday is not a courtesy. Going through your emails and phone is evidence of controlling behavior. Fine tooth combing spending is evidence of controlling behavior. Expecting immediate responses at work is evidence of controlling behavior. Telling your spouse to cut out your parents and family is evidence of controlling behavior. Let me guess now...........you just happen to be this guy's "coworker" and you've been having secret little lunches with him?
Osiris1234 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 His wife could be cheating, just a thought.
uneek74 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Manna, It sounds like the W has borderline personality disorder. And yes, I am qualified to make that statement. She does have control issues and each individual is entiltled to some level of privacy! The H needs to put his foot down. I can assure you if he continues to sucumb to her violence and unstable behavior someone is going to get hurt. They both could benefit from counseling in my opinion.
country_gurl Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Manna, It sounds like the W has borderline personality disorder. And yes, I am qualified to make that statement. She does have control issues and each individual is entiltled to some level of privacy! The H needs to put his foot down. I can assure you if he continues to sucumb to her violence and unstable behavior someone is going to get hurt. They both could benefit from counseling in my opinion. How on earth are you qualified to pretty much diagnose someone you don't personally know, when you're only presented with ONE side of the story? For all you know, this wife has good reason to believe that her husband is cheating. Perhaps he's cheated in the past and promised he never would again but she's seeing the signs of it again or for the first time. Many spouses begin to snoop and show signs of mistrust when they have reason TO mistrust. It didn't occur to you that it's sorta weird that this woman is here posting about this all, claiming she's a "friend" of this guy? It never occurred to you that the husband and the OP are having some degree of an affair, the wife is onto it, the guy is portraying himself as the poor abused victim and the OP is buying it all? If you really are in a position to diagnose mental illness it's incredibly unethical and irresponsible of you to come to such a diagnosis based only on a few details from a 3rd party who very well has a very vested interest in this man.
Author manna Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Manna, It sounds like the W has borderline personality disorder. And yes, I am qualified to make that statement. She does have control issues and each individual is entiltled to some level of privacy! The H needs to put his foot down. I can assure you if he continues to sucumb to her violence and unstable behavior someone is going to get hurt. They both could benefit from counseling in my opinion. I agree they both could use counseling. He has attempted to leave his wife before, (before I met him in med school), because she was too controlling. She has always been the same. And I can honestly vouch that he has never cheated on her. Hm. His wife is a homemaker, so she does have plenty of time to cheat on him.
uneek74 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 CG, with all due respect, I don't give a rats hiney if she is having an affair or not with the H. I am only commenting on the behavior that she states the wife is portraying. It seems to me a lot of assumptions are made on these forums. You are correct, I don't know the whole story, so let's leave it at that.
quankanne Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 keeping your actions transparent is an aspect of a healthy relationship, IMO ... but the comment OP makes about the woman then giving her husband grief to a point where he feels he must tell her what she wants to hear so he won't be ostracized sounds a lot like abuse to me. Y'alls theory that she's involved in an affair with her friend are off-target, IMO, because if the situation were reversed, everyone would be saying "Abuse! Red Flags!" and advising the OP to tell his friend to run because it would only get worse. abusive behavior is abusive behavior regardless of WHO is dishing it out ... Manna, I hope you encourage your friend to go to a counselor to help get things in perspective and to work out a plan of escape if it ever comes to that. He doesn't need to be in a relationship in which he's made to feel belittled or worse, even if that relationship happens to be marriage. NObody deserves that kind of life ...
frozensprouts Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 it all depends on how you look at it. i am a stay at home mom and we have three kids. i was working when we first got married, but after our first daughter was born, we both agreed that i would be a stay at home mom until she started school. then we had our second daughter, then our son. our son ( and oldest daughter) are both autistic, so I still stay at home to do speech therapy, occupational therapy, etc. with them. My husband is away a lot because of his job ( military), so since i am the one at home, i do the household budgeting, shopping, etc. With one income, money is tight, so i need to know what's going on so i can budget accordingly. we both use email, etc., and we each have each others passwords, but so what. i don't have his work email password, which is fine with me. If he goes out for lunch with people from work, he tells me, and i do the same if i am going out for coffee with friends. there's no "control" involved, it's just common courtesy. you may be looking at their situation with a slightly biased view, which is understandable, given what you have been through. however, the person he should be talking to about this is his wife, not you. (and she shouldn't be throwing things at him... i thought i read something about that in your first post... that is unacceptable.
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