So where are the Single Men??

[Gentlegirl]

This has been a big issue for me as well, and dozens of my single girlfriends. We are all in our early to mid-thirties. Mostly early thirties. One of the things that led me to my MM was the fact that at 33 (at the time) I had not had any physical attention in over four years. As a woman in my so-called "prime of life" that was so hard to deal with. I had made numerous attempts at dating single men, and even tried to become involved with some that I had real doubts about, simply because people would urge me to "give them a chance" but none of them worked out, even a little bit. I NEVER set out to fall for a married man, but the moment we met -- and I do mean the very instant -- I was toast. We connected on every level I had ever longed for and when we touched I melted -- not just sexually, but in every way possibly. People need physical affection and I was starved for it in so many ways....it wasn't the only factor that made me fall for him, but it was there. Now that we are no longer in the A, I am still trying to "keep my eyes open" for single men but they really just don't seem to exist. I have a beautiful, smart, interesting girlfriend who hasn't been on a date in ten years, she is 34. There are numerous other examples of the same in my social circle. So I don't know what to do sometimes....go through life without any physically or emotional affection, or "take what I can get" from my xMM and try not to let it destroy his life and his marriage....or from the dozens of other MM that hit on me (and that I rebuke) for that matter. It is so hard. I sometimes feel like I've been burdened with the responsibility to tell married men to go home to their wives, because it happens all the time....so here I am, helping OTHER women have secure marriages (save for my own xMM, I know) and meanwhile, I sleep alone. I'm 35 now and I feel like I'll go through life completely alone. I can't buy into the law of attraction because I have had major phases where I do everything in my "power" to attract single men...but they don't exist it seems like. Virtually every single girlfriend I have (all chronically single) admit the same thing. Maybe it is demographics, I don't know. But it is a tough life to deal with sometimes. I miss being touched and loved.

 

I miss being touched and loved too at 63. EVERYBODY misses it. It's a basic human need.

 

I remember reading about experiments done on orphan babies in Russia who were never held or touched and they failed to thrive the way a normal bay would.

 

It deosn't matter if we are in our twenties or I guess eighties... if nobody is intimate with us, it makes us feel sad.

 

I feel sad.

 

GG

[CarrieT]

I

human beings are social creatures and most of us need that emotional "connection" with someone. when we don't have it, we can get very, depressed and sad.

 

This is one of the rationalizations I have used for my occasional one-night-stand hook-ups. That after months or years of no physical contact with another human being, at least *something* is better than nothing.

 

Granted, it may not be the affectionate, holding, cuddling that I craved, but at least a physical connection was better than nothing.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I hear all of you as I am in the same situation...

 

Try to make my life as interesting as possible but it is not the same without someone you love. I see many single ladies of all ages who go through the same thing and who are really great women yet no man seems to want them.

 

Things like the law of attraction principles are insulting as it's a vicious circle: you don't meet single men so therefore you doubt if they exist...

 

My impression is that if you are a strong, independent woman, a lot of guys simply lose their interest in you.

 

I have resigned to the fact that maybe I will stay alone. It sucks but what can I do about it? I don't want to make finding a partner a project either, like to have things spontaneous.

[alphamale]

So, where are the single guys???

we're around

[Elizabeth Southerns]

I don't date married guys...so I'm not quite seeing your point. Any married man trying to date me would get shut down and is not among those I'd consider great...however, I have no problem pointing them in the direction of willing OW who will hand them the affair rules as they desperately jump through hoops.

 

I imagine those "willing OWs" wouldn't need anyone's rejects, as they're likely to have enough of their own choosing to select from. But if there are any such on these boards who are interested in the offer, I'm sure they'd make their interest known.

[KathyM]

My break up is a year old now and I've accepted that xMM and I will never be together. During this year, I've had a roller coaster of emotions and still managed to grow and become a much improved person.

 

I dated, mostly online but still havent found anyone with whom I connected to so much. The online dating proved to be a disaster for me and I stopped because I found myself in some uncomfortable situations.

 

I dressed nice, put on my smile and went out and still .....nothing.

 

The guys I did meet had serious employment or substance abuse issues or had very poor social skills and we couldnt achieve a mental connection.

 

I've examined myself thoroughly. I know I have some serious intimacy issues and I wondered if the fact that MM was unavailable was what allowed me to feel close to him. I realize that that wasnt it..it really was the mental connection we had.

 

So now I am praying and meditating on finding a single guy that 'll be able to connect with like I did xMM. A year after my break up and I'm still looking and praying for the single guy.

 

I still wonder if I'm the one who's too messed up to appreciate a single guy. I'm trying so hard to be open to that.

 

At 43, I'm not getting any younger and finding and being in a loving, committed relationship is on my bucket list. I dont want to leave this world without knowing what thats like.

 

So, where are the single guys???

Single guys are everywhere. Some are on dating websites. I know there are a lot of duds on there, but there are also quality guys as well. I think dating websites are often used by single guys interested in a relationship, because it's easy, it's free of charge or inexpensive, and it gets you in potential contact with a lot of people. Guys also find it easier to take rejection from a dating website than meeting someone in real life. I know a lot of middle aged men who have used that route. Some have found a ltr from a dating website. You will also find single men in the grocery store, the book store, out in public. You have to be friendly and willing to strike up a conversation with them to show them you are interested. Just be sure there is no wedding ring before you approach them. You also find single guys at singles groups, meet up groups, and in activities that they would pursue, such as sports. You also find them through friends and acquaintances, so be sure to get the word out to people that you know that you are interested in finding a relationship with someone. And don't waste your time with married men. They are a dead end, and a waste of time. Do get counseling for your intimacy issues so that single men that you do meet would be interested in dating you.

[half_ofa_heart]

 

My impression is that if you are a strong, independent woman, a lot of guys simply lose their interest in you.

 

 

I have been saying this for YEARS!!!!! I am one of the strongest, most independent women I know; I'm attractive, mid forties, and physically fit. How is it that I CANNOT find a single man that is interested in me???

 

I have two dear friends in the same boat! Both intelligent, attractive and have everything going for them but alas... single with no prospects in sight. The only common denominator is we are all 3 very strong independent women.

 

I have come to believe that men would rather be with a woman who "needs" to be them rather than one who "wants" to be with them.

[MissBee]

I imagine those "willing OWs" wouldn't need anyone's rejects, as they're likely to have enough of their own choosing to select from. But if there are any such on these boards who are interested in the offer, I'm sure they'd make their interest known.

 

The irony.....

 

You say tomato, I say to-mah-to...as along those lines I would wonder why anyone would choose to date someone else's husband, if they are such a hot commodity with such choice men chasing them? Especially OW whose MM complain about their wives not sexing them thus their need for an affair. The wife is rejecting them, thus that OW finds herself with another woman's reject essentially. Although you seem to speak with gusto about all the ones you know jumping through hoops because of the attention they receive from a woman...I find that a bit deperate and leaving much to be desired, but that's just me.

 

I'm not into classifying which married men are prime dating material versus those who are rejects , as the entire business is oxymoronic to me and they are ALL rejects in my book...but I suppose those among the bunch who find that to be their preference have their own ways of identifying the suitable candidates. For me, all married men trying to secretly date me are leches and he could be handsome, rich, smart and church going, I'm not impressed. He can take his wares somewhere else as he isn't within my range of interest.

[KathyM]

I have been saying this for YEARS!!!!! I am one of the strongest, most independent women I know; I'm attractive, mid forties, and physically fit. How is it that I CANNOT find a single man that is interested in me???

 

I have two dear friends in the same boat! Both intelligent, attractive and have everything going for them but alas... single with no prospects in sight. The only common denominator is we are all 3 very strong independent women.

 

I have come to believe that men would rather be with a woman who "needs" to be them rather than one who "wants" to be with them.

I wouldn't agree with that last sentence. I think men get turned off by a woman who is too strong and opinionated. They think she will dominate the relationship and figuratively castrate them. The man does want to be the leader in the relationship to some extent. It's in their nature. They appreciate women who come across as feminine, in both appearance and behavior. When it comes to behavior, they want a woman who is not stubborn, will give in to their wishes at times, has a mind of her own, but is readily willing to consider the man's wishes and concerns, and that is willing to take care of her man. Women who are too independent and who expect their man to be too independent as well are not as attractive to most men as a woman who is willing to take care of a man. Take care of his needs, and respect him. And be willing to give in to his wishes at times. Women who come across as too strong and independent scare off a man and they feel that type will not be the type to take care of them. Men do want to be taken care of, believe it or not. So do women for that matter.

[26pointblue]

Hi SunsetRed,

 

I just wanted to let you know that I can relate. I'm younger-early 30's-but had problems meeting guys who were around my age & didn't have baggage/issues . . . & I wasn't even adverse to dating ones who were divorced or had kids, etc. I would prefer never been married, no kids, good job, etc., but for me the biggest issue was finding an intelligent guy I could have conversations with . . . it seems I was meeting young, immature guys who weren't very smart, had no interest in furthering their education or careers, or talking about issues that matter to me, & often times had no idea what they wanted & in some ways were as emotionally unavailable as xMM was due to his being married. xMM & I had a very strong emotional & intellectual & sexual connection . . . & I was looking for those same things in a guy who wasn't committed to someone else.

 

One thing I've learned is that that kind of connection was built on a false foundation, that I was scared of real intimacy & so I built something fake with him . . . yes, it was easy to share our deepest darkest issues with each other when we knew deep down there was no risk of rejection because we were doomed to fail anyway. So I couldn't just meet a single guy & hope to have that same connection when in 'real' relationships people divulge things slowly & with time, as they should, & both parties are guarded & feel vulnerable & later hopeful that it will really work out instead of being rejected, etc.

 

Still, I was either forcing myself into 'liking' someone or feeling really annoyed & dissatisfied on dates, so I just kind of relaxed & told myself I didn't want anyone right now because I was still trying to figure out my own life & a guy would just get in the way. Suddenly I met someone where sparks just flew & we had an instant connection. This kind of threw me for a loop because I had decided to work on myself & stay out of relationships. But here was a possibility staring me in the face that I didn't want to deny just because it wasn't the perfect timing. I was/am cautious because he has had some issues in the past & his career choices are in flux at the moment as he decides what he wants to do with his life. [He doesn't have any kids/ex wives, so, that's good!] I'm in a similar boat in that I've obviously had some issues/made some choices in my past that have affected all areas of my life--my relationships, my job/career, my friendships, my self-esteem, my knowledge of who I am & what I want--negatively & I am re-building & making big decisions too. I guess in my situation it feels hopeful because we both have made positive changes & want to continue making positive changes & we seem to inspire each other to do so; at the same time, I know no one can 'save' or change someone else, & we both have to continue working on our own issues & goals, so I'm not rushing in, but instead just seeing how this turns out.

 

Otherwise he's a fantastic guy- he's so sweet, so very good to me, very funny, fun to be with, a great listener, & one of my favorite things about him [undoubtedly due to all the dishonesty & BS I was involved in with xMM] is that he is a genuine guy who is totally honest & never tries to be someone he's not. If anything he could try up-selling his positive aspects instead of highlighting his negative aspects! I feel completely safe with him, like he really values me & has no intention to hurt me, & it's a really different feeling than the chaos I've always felt with xMM. I feel like we are building real intimacy & I feel really lucky that I've finally met someone who feels like a good match. Sorry for blabbing on & kind of t/j'ing, but I just want to encourage you that it does happen. I think it can take awhile to happen & may not be exactly what you expect will happen, but it does happen. Good luck.

[Lostinlife4now]

GREAT POST!!!

 

I just want a gentlemen! Is that too much to ask? I am a pretty and independent woman and have a voice and I too have been looking for a long time. Is it me? I ask myself that question alot. And I really don't want or need a 24/7 relationship! I just would like a real date! Ya know, the man comes and picks up the woman, OPENS the door, pays for a nice dinner and drinks, great conversation, then drops me at the door and kisses me goodnite. What is so hard about that? Just because I am independent, I am still into chivalery.

 

I have met some very needy men over dating sites. I had a conversation with one man and he was ready to move me into his home, WITHOUT EVEN MEETING ME! WTF? It was all about him, what he wanted, (like xMM) UGH!!! He wanted an anybody, not a SOMEBODY! No thank you!

 

I have given up and so have my single girlfriends. I am still young enough to want someone to want me, even just a little bit. Relationships at times are too hard! And I am tired. So I will continue to sit on the couch and drink my red wine, I say to hell with men! For now anyway.

 

Can you pray to the Lord for a man?

[MissBee]

Well...I'm in an environment where most of the men I know are surrounded by intelligent, opinionated women, their mothers are that way and that's what they actually like and value when we sit around and chit chat about relationships.

 

I still believe that it's not some epidemic of people not being able to find partners and it's also faulty believe that everyone with a partner is in a good relationship. As clearly some people are married or in relationships that are dead-ends, cheating is going on, no communication and the rest but they put on a smiling face OR feel like that is better than nothing. My parents are married and have been together for over 20 years and trust me, there relationship is not something I envy.

 

I am sure not many people born and die single....and at some point you should be single until you find QUALITY! I have no issues with that and will not share a man because I feel all the good ones are spoken for or find any old man or pretend to not have opinions to snag a man. I refuse. The people I know in good relationships didn't have to do that and neither do I, and they too were single at some point or for yeaars before finding a good partner. Patience is indeed a virtue. I saw this quote today on the wall and LOVED it:

"If you are looking for the love of your life, STOP; They will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love"

 

Soo true! Love it! I don't often engage in lamenting over not having a man or being unable to find a man as that usually ends up into a conversation swamped with negativity and despair that is no good for me. I strongly believe the above and abide by that!

[Gentlegirl]

I hear all of you as I am in the same situation...

 

Try to make my life as interesting as possible but it is not the same without someone you love. I see many single ladies of all ages who go through the same thing and who are really great women yet no man seems to want them.

 

Things like the law of attraction principles are insulting as it's a vicious circle: you don't meet single men so therefore you doubt if they exist...

 

My impression is that if you are a strong, independent woman, a lot of guys simply lose their interest in you.

 

I have resigned to the fact that maybe I will stay alone. It sucks but what can I do about it? I don't want to make finding a partner a project either, like to have things spontaneous.

 

I am strong, independent and financially secure. When I go on a date, I always order my own meal or coffee and pay half the bill.

 

If something doesn't please me, I will say so. I never try to dumb myself down, or play helpless.

 

I do think it scares some guys off.

 

GG

[D-Lish]

I can relate at 41. It's really hard to find a good guy in his 40's that doesn't have baggage, comittment issues, and still takes care of himself.

 

Most days I feel like I am going to be single forever.

[Lostinlife4now]

Well...I'm in an environment where most of the men I know are surrounded by intelligent, opinionated women, their mothers are that way and that's what they actually like and value when we sit around and chit chat about relationships.

 

I still believe that it's not some epidemic of people not being able to find partners and it's also faulty believe that everyone with a partner is in a good relationship. As clearly some people are married or in relationships that are dead-ends, cheating is going on, no communication and the rest but they put on a smiling face OR feel like that is better than nothing. My parents are married and have been together for over 20 years and trust me, there relationship is not something I envy.

 

I am sure not many people born and die single....and at some point you should be single until you find QUALITY! I have no issues with that and will not share a man because I feel all the good ones are spoken for or find any old man or pretend to not have opinions to snag a man. I refuse. The people I know in good relationships didn't have to do that and neither do I, and they too were single at some point or for yeaars before finding a good partner. Patience is indeed a virtue. I saw this quote today on the wall and LOVED it:

 

"If you are looking for the love of your life, STOP; They will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love"

 

Soo true! Love it! I don't often engage in lamenting over not having a man or being unable to find a man as that usually ends up into a conversation swamped with negativity and despair that is no good for me. I strongly believe the above and abide by that!

 

Miss Bee: You may be young, but you sure are smart! Thanks love, keep posting......

[MissBee]

Miss Bee: You may be young, but you sure are smart! Thanks love, keep posting......

 

Thanks, I appreciate that

[Woggle]

As a male I am probably intruding on this thread but one of the reasons many men don't like strong and independent woman is because they hate feeling disposable. It is one of the worst feelings in the world for a man in a relationship. We like to know that we have a purpose in her life or else we feel useless.

[KathyM]

I'm not suggesting that women be doormats, or without opinions, or dumb down themselves to get a man. I happen to be very opinionated, as you may notice from my posts , and I do consider myself to be intelligent. My husband appreciates that and respects that. I'm just saying that women who come on too strong, who are too overbearing with their opinions, who appear to not need a man, or appear to have a "can take him or leave him" attitude, do not appeal to a lot of men. Men want to be needed. It's good for their ego. And they want to be taken care of.

[MissBee]

I'm not suggesting that women be doormats, or without opinions, or dumb down themselves to get a man. I happen to be very opinionated, as you may notice from my posts , and I do consider myself to be intelligent. My husband appreciates that and respects that. I'm just saying that women who come on too strong, who are too overbearing with their opinions, who appear to not need a man, or appear to have a "can take him or leave him" attitude, do not appeal to a lot of men. Men want to be needed. It's good for their ego. And they want to be taken care of.

 

I think women who act like that, do so because of hurt often times and a need to be defensive and strong and it's not the healthy type of independence.

 

I also have a friend whose mother is a complete tyrant, this woman is really a piece of work and his father is the exact opposite and he is more of a doormat and I have no clue how they ended up together and my friend commented that he thinks his father secretly likes her behavior because he is nowhere like that so he is attracted to the parts of her he wishes he could be....interesting!

 

Anyway, there is someone for everyone is my point and I believe that getting to a place of authenticity (not where you're acting out of hurt etc) and living your life will draw you to a partner versus searching high and low for one or devising tactics to get one. It's also about what you're willing to deal with in order to not be single...

[MissBee]

It seems you are advising if someone doesn't have the traits you think they need in order to get a man, (don't be too strong, need the man, feed his ego, take care of him), then they don't have a chance in hell or else they should pretend they do. Do I understand you correctly?

 

The thing is...what does "getting a man" mean..who is "a man"....each man is an individual with certain likes, dislikes, background etc that will mesh with yours or not.

 

There are of course ways to be a pleasant human being that most people will like but the truth is, some men like passive women, some like aggressive women, some like women that are "bad a$$", some like women that are prim and proper, some like women who are raunchy, some like women who are conservative...the list goes on. However you are, some person finds that to be wonderful and I think your goal should be to attract those to you who will like the authentic you.

 

I am how I am and my goal isn't to get "a man" or to be attractive to and chased by this monolith called "men" but to find a particular man, with particular traits, a man who chooses me as I choose him, a man who finds that when he looks at his "list", I fit it and then some and a man that I feel the same about. Who cares if Joe Blow doesn't find me attractive, thinks I talk too much, wear too little or too much makeup etc. Joe Blow is clearly not "my man" then and that's perfectly fine too. I told my bestfriend that the problem of finding a man doesn't concern me as MY man is of a special breed and I know I will one day come across him, therefore have no anxiety about having to go through a "grab bag" of men searching, and then kissing a whole bunch of frogs and becoming disillusioned. I have in the past done the "grab bag"....was a disaster. I didn't have my self and standards together either, but now my ideas about dating, love and relationships are entirely different and I have found more quality, with less stress and anxiety, than I have before. I already see the change and can't wait to finally meet "the one".

Edited September 19, 2011 by MissBee

[KathyM]

I think women who act like that, do so because of hurt often times and a need to be defensive and strong and it's not the healthy type of independence.

 

I also have a friend whose mother is a complete tyrant, this woman is really a piece of work and his father is the exact opposite and he is more of a doormat and I have no clue how they ended up together and my friend commented that he thinks his father secretly likes her behavior because he is nowhere like that so he is attracted to the parts of her he wishes he could be....interesting!

 

Anyway, there is someone for everyone is my point and I believe that getting to a place of authenticity (not where you're acting out of hurt etc) and living your life will draw you to a partner versus searching high and low for one or devising tactics to get one. It's also about what you're willing to deal with in order to not be single...

I'd certainly agree with your first paragraph. I'd also agree that weak men do sometimes seek out very strong women to compensate for what they are lacking in themselves. But for the most part, most men do not want to feel dominated, controlled, not needed, disposable (as Woggle aptly put it), and they may feel that a woman who is too independent will expect them to be also, and won't be concerned with their needs or satisfying their needs. Men want to be taken care of, and they want to feel needed.

[KathyM]

It seems you are advising if someone doesn't have the traits you think they need in order to get a man, (don't be too strong, need the man, feed his ego, take care of him), then they don't have a chance in hell or else they should pretend they do. Do I understand you correctly?

Let's just say their chances are diminished. You do need to feed a man's ego, take care of him, appreciate what he does for you, not dominate or control him. That is how to get a man, and that is how to keep a man. That may not fit into women's lib philosophy, but that is the truth.

[So Very Confused]

I'm in my mid 40's and stayed in a rotten marriage because of the fear that "I couldn't do any better" if I were single. Then I got into an A and stayed despite all the stupid drama and mistreatment because I was afraid "I couldn't do any better".

 

What I decided is that it doesn't matter if I can or can't do better. I'd rather be alone that to settle for someone who treats me badly.

 

I've done the online dating thing too with mixed results. I've met a few losers and a couple of maybes. I've had to take a good hard look at myself and my expectations. Through counseling, I've learned that a lot of what I used to find attractive about a man is a big red flag and a symptom of my inner brokenness. What I used to think was GOOD is really not a quality I need in a man. What I used to think wasn't so great, is a sign of a healthy, worthwhile guy. I've had to get past a few of my own judgements and be willing to spend some time getting to know a man who, on paper appears to be too young or too old or too broke or too bald or too whatever. Sometimes there's a diamond in there but I'd have missed it because of my own narrow definition of what I thought I needed. I'm not necessarily lowering my standards, I'm just learning that some of my standards needed to be changed. Before, I was looking for a glitter farting unicorn. Now I've decided that maybe a unicorn isn't what I need but a glitter farting zebra would be fun to have in my life.

 

I've met guys at church, through friends, through activities, at work, online and even in the supermarket. Obviously, I haven't met "the one" yet but I'm not about to give up and decide that one for me doesn't exist so I'll settle for anyone that will have me or get jaded and decide that they're all worthless.

[alphamale]

I have been saying this for YEARS!!!!! I am one of the strongest, most independent women I know; I'm attractive, mid forties, and physically fit. How is it that I CANNOT find a single man that is interested in me???

see, i usually date women like you but then after 3 or 4 months they try to start dominating me and thats when i split...

[SoMovinOn]

I have been saying this for YEARS!!!!! I am one of the strongest, most independent women I know; I'm attractive, mid forties, and physically fit. How is it that I CANNOT find a single man that is interested in me???

 

I have two dear friends in the same boat! Both intelligent, attractive and have everything going for them but alas... single with no prospects in sight. The only common denominator is we are all 3 very strong independent women.

 

I have come to believe that men would rather be with a woman who "needs" to be them rather than one who "wants" to be with them.

 

There is no doubt, many men are scared to death of a strong, independent woman. Conversely, I have seen some "strong, independent" women who come across as a "strong, independent woman with a big chip on her shoulder and she doesn't need *you* or any other guy" ... which really doesn't work in a relationship, because people want to feel needed. It can be a tight rope walk, trying to keep the balance between independent and needing him.