So where are the Single Men??

[SunsetRed]

My break up is a year old now and I've accepted that xMM and I will never be together. During this year, I've had a roller coaster of emotions and still managed to grow and become a much improved person.

 

I dated, mostly online but still havent found anyone with whom I connected to so much. The online dating proved to be a disaster for me and I stopped because I found myself in some uncomfortable situations.

 

I dressed nice, put on my smile and went out and still .....nothing.

 

The guys I did meet had serious employment or substance abuse issues or had very poor social skills and we couldnt achieve a mental connection.

 

I've examined myself thoroughly. I know I have some serious intimacy issues and I wondered if the fact that MM was unavailable was what allowed me to feel close to him. I realize that that wasnt it..it really was the mental connection we had.

 

So now I am praying and meditating on finding a single guy that 'll be able to connect with like I did xMM. A year after my break up and I'm still looking and praying for the single guy.

 

I still wonder if I'm the one who's too messed up to appreciate a single guy. I'm trying so hard to be open to that.

 

At 43, I'm not getting any younger and finding and being in a loving, committed relationship is on my bucket list. I dont want to leave this world without knowing what thats like.

 

So, where are the single guys???

[SoMovinOn]

Well, you're going to have to accept that single guys around your age are going to, at the very least, have some baggage. As you noticed from your online dating experiences, many single guys are single for obvious reasons.

 

My best advice is for you to just get out an enjoy doing whatever you enjoy doing. Along the way, you'll meet guys who share your interests. Don't worry about dating or making a connection. Just hang out and have fun. Somewhere along the way, you'll meet him.

[Gentlegirl]

I have had several attempts to date after my break up withxMM 9 months ago.

 

I always ended up retreating.

 

Maybe it's too soon for me yet after a 3 year A. He was in my face morning noon and night. It's hard to forget him and I think it will take more time.

 

Meanwhile I am finding it very lonely indeed.

 

Family friends and other interests will have to do for now.

 

I must say the men I have been out with were mostly dead heads,as you found.

 

GG

[SidLyon]

One thing I've noticed a lot on LS is the suggestion that a woman, often an OW or a BW, get rid of her MM/BH and take up with all those nice single guys out there who will love and cherish them and never expect them to be No 2 or cheat on them.

 

This always sounds like great advice in theory but it can fail in practice.

 

Once we get to our 30s and older (I'm mid 50s) there are rarely men out there who don't come with some form of baggage. Just because a man is really nice, it doesn't mean that I have that spark/chemistry/attraction/ connection enough to have a relationship.

 

To be honest one reason I've stayed with my WH (I'm a BW) is because I do have that connection etc with him. It's unfortunate for me, that OW also apparently had it.

 

I can actually understand an OW not wanting to let that go, even after a d-day, because I didn't want to let it go either. Goodness knows what I would have done if he hadn't ended it with the OW, but also didn't leave me. Hopefully I would have shown him the door.

 

Sometimes I think it's a bit misguided to be suggesting to either OW or BW that it will be an easy matter to find another guy who sets off the sparks and will treat them well.

[cuddlekeeper]

Hope this might give you a bit of a laugh it cracked me up when my friend replied with this when I asked her the same question:

 

Men are like car parks they are either taken or the ones that aren't are handicapped.

 

Not meant to offend just to bring a smile to a few faces I hope

[Gentlegirl]

At 63 I realise they are either all taken or just looking for a cupcake.

 

I would like to find a relationship with somebody unattached, but I'm not keen on the dirty socks and undies! Neither do I want somebody living with me ... very picky aren't I?

 

We have a saying here in Australia about men...Theyr'e like government buses love,... wait long enough and another one will come along!

 

Cheers and Giggles,

 

GG

[Summer Breeze]

One thing I've noticed a lot on LS is the suggestion that a woman, often an OW or a BW, get rid of her MM/BH and take up with all those nice single guys out there who will love and cherish them and never expect them to be No 2 or cheat on them.

 

This always sounds like great advice in theory but it can fail in practice.

 

Once we get to our 30s and older (I'm mid 50s) there are rarely men out there who don't come with some form of baggage. Just because a man is really nice, it doesn't mean that I have that spark/chemistry/attraction/ connection enough to have a relationship.

 

To be honest one reason I've stayed with my WH (I'm a BW) is because I do have that connection etc with him. It's unfortunate for me, that OW also apparently had it.

 

I can actually understand an OW not wanting to let that go, even after a d-day, because I didn't want to let it go either. Goodness knows what I would have done if he hadn't ended it with the OW, but also didn't leave me. Hopefully I would have shown him the door.

 

Sometimes I think it's a bit misguided to be suggesting to either OW or BW that it will be an easy matter to find another guy who sets off the sparks and will treat them well.

 

Every time I read that advice I think the same thing SL. I date a lot but I haven't had a real spark with anyone since xMM. Also the men you meet online are often married. When I think someone is interesting one of the first things I ask for is a home number. If he won't give me that then there's a reason. He may say it's his security but it's normally because there's someone else sharing it with him.

[MissBee]

I have always wanted to contribute to this topic, but it has never been a formal topic, until now, and mostly comments in passing.

 

I think that it is interesting that pretty much, every woman on Earth who is not currently in a relationship/married, feels like "good single men" are hard to find! I hear it all the time, see it all the time and it's funny because if no woman can find a man except those already with men...then there is some type of distortion here

 

I wanted to note that a lot of times women will cite their age, being 30 plus, 60 plus etc as the "legit reason" why and I am here to say, that I am in my early 20s and for me, I am not finding throngs of single, ELIGIBLE men, that I'd like to date either! According to what I hear older women complain about, I should be in the prime of it all, with all sorts of suitable bachelors at my feet....*cues screeching record* but no ladies, not the case! In the 20 something, never been married, no kids, young professional crowd it's the same complaint. Women are still complaining about losers and jerks and all these shiny, wonderful, knights are not roaming around just because you are younger or have "less baggage".....I have baggage...I know 16 year olds, with more baggage than me as well!

 

My theory is that we attract that which reflects our inner reality. For better or for worse and you could be 60 0r 16, it doesn't matter. Also, I KNOW that MOST men I meet will not be up to my standard. This is a fact. If I meet even 100 men a day, they will not all be my cup of tea. So yes, single men, who are perfectly okay dudes are around, but the pool of men that are a GREAT match for ME....they are not going to all come swarming to me. Therefore I am going to meet all sorts of ineligible men before it's narrowed down to a man who is right for me. I am okay with that. Good things aren't a dime a dozen. I'm not a dime a dozen and I expect who I will settle down with won't be either....I am not interested in throngs of eligible men, just one!

 

Unavailable men who seem to be everything though....smh....surprisingly they are everywhere and I am glad I have learned the trick and illusion about them too! It's not that all great, eligible guys are married (as clearly, being married is not any type of testament to your character)...all the great married guys I know are loved up on their wives and not trying to date me on the sly Sooo that's the first, taken but you have so much chemistry with him and he is flirting you up...sorry, he is not "that great" and his wife probably won't feel so darn lucky (like you think she is) when she finds out about him. It's all perspective. I had to also realize my own issues that made unavailable men seem more appealing, and every last one, when the rose tinted glasses came off, were no better than any single man out there and truly their unavailability and the synergy from that and my own issues blew them up to be greater than they were.

 

Hang in there ladies! I am convinced that the more one believes no great single men are out there, the more of the "not greats" you shall attract as that is where your attention lies, and the more you will seem to think "all the good men are taken". They're not. I do think though that it is what you put out there and I do think that a truly good man who is also a match for you is not a dime a dozen, and if you're expecting that, then it's going to feel dismal but if you have your idea on eventually finding ONE guy....then I feel like that is very possible!

Edited September 18, 2011 by MissBee

[Elizabeth Southerns]

It's not that all great, eligible guys are married (as clearly, being married is not any type of testament to your character)...all the great married guys I know are loved up on their wives and not trying to date me on the sly

 

Perhaps they're all loved up on their GFs, which is why they have no need to date you?

[Elizabeth Southerns]

So, where are the single guys???

 

Playing on their playstations or watching the rugby world cup with their buddies down the pub, before going home to their dingy bedsits where they'll eat baked beans out of a can and pass out in a beery haze on the couch (since their bedlinen hasn't been washed in living memory and it's too toxic for even them to touch without contracting a skin disease.)

[carhill]

So, where are the single guys???

 

Living alone, with cats

 

Your recitation of finding an unavailable MM attractive due to the mental connection you shared could provide some clues to the apparent dearth of 'attractive' single men in your life. We all choose how we process feelings of attraction/desire/love/infatuation, etc. Beyond the most basic attraction parameters, one being the 'smell' so often discussed here on LS, we make many choices about the particulars of our attraction 'style'

 

You're experiencing single men. Some are incompatible and some are unattractive. Reflect upon that. If you find, upon reflection, that your style has no room for modification nor change, go with that and accept the results. If other, that. Life continues on and dating isn't the be-all and end-all of it, though such social interaction should be an enjoyable part of it.

[Elizabeth Southerns]

Living alone, with cats

 

 

They're lesbian???????

[carhill]

They're lesbian???????

IDK, mine's male. Gay perhaps

[CarrieT]

If you are serious about finding a man for a serious relationship then you need to look for men who are at least 5 or ten years older than you are. Even then, there's plenty of opportunities for men in their late 40's with women significantly younger and hotter than you are, if they have stayed in reasonably good shape.

 

This is me; at 47 and on the dating sites (legit and otherwise), I am approaching men in their mid- to late-50s as no one my age seems interested. The guys in their mid-40s want women in their 30s -- possibly to start another family? -- of because it will make them feel young.

 

I constantly turn heads and none who know me can figure out why I can't find someone.

 

What is frustrating for me that I have yet to figure out is how to meet men organically versus the sites. Being in the wine industry, I attend tons and tons of wine-tasting parties with a lot of people and yet I have never met or connected with anyone that wasn't on a dating site. I've had a lot of lookie-loos, but have never had anyone actually ask me out in person.

[jj33]

Sunset, I have no idea. The relationship I was in ended several years ago and although I am out all of the time, I havent met anyone. I also tried online dating and it was a disaster.

 

There were moments when I thought, was I better off being in the A, but each time I came to the conclusion that I was better off not going back to it.

 

Being alone is no fun and I always expected I would have met someone by now, but I still wouldnt go back to xMM. We had more of a life together than most people in affairs but it wasnt enough. I couldnt go back to sharing someone again, as despondent as I become at times about being alone.

[carhill]

I've had a lot of lookie-loos, but have never had anyone actually ask me out in person.

OK, so the next time I run into a lady at a wine tasting who doesn't have a wedding ring on (very rare IME), I'll ask her out to send you good karma

[wannabdone]

I think this is common for most women who are above the age of what is considered "appropriate" for them to be out on the hunt. Lets be honest, I'm in my 40's....I look foolish going out to bars, nor do I have the desire to do that. Nor do I want to find a man that is my age doing that. So we go to online dating, which is theory is a great idea, however, its plagued with the same men that seem to be in those bars.

Then we get into the points that when you are older, typically you have children. I work 70+ hours a week. So, I am out and about doing my job through out the day, I travel so I am always on the road or on a plane. I get into town, go pick up my child, come home, cook dinner, help him with his homework, and then once he goes to bed, I stay up to do more hours of work. And then lets not forget the shuffling the children around to their various sport activities, or other activies they have to attend. When the weekend finally does roll around....well there is more activities with your children, cleaning the house, doing all the laundry, and then spending time trying to get ready for my next work week. And God forbid I actually want to spend sometime with my child as well. Quite frankly, I think a lot of women are tired, and it takes a lot of work to get out there and look. I seems that if Mr. Perfect isn't place at our door in a nice box, delievered by fed ex, its hard to find him.

 

When you do go out.... I just have one question..... who are these men???? Where they raised by wolves???? They need their momma to come over and thump them on the head.

 

In general, your not alone in this. Just gotta keep trying. Can't ever win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket.

 

Good luck doll. It will come. In Gods perfect timing. Just remember, his timing isn't the same as ours.

[jj33]

And wow is Doos post discouraging. Sunset I do think its possible to meet someone at 43, 53 or 73. People meet other people all the time at all ages. Its just a matter of time and fate (IMHO). The right oppotunity will come along. Its just a matter of time. Many men go for younger women but many men dont. It really depends on the man. And more and more women are dating younger men so age is not as absolute an issue as it once was.

[SBC]

 

Being alone is no fun and I always expected I would have met someone by now, but I still wouldnt go back to xMM. We had more of a life together than most people in affairs but it wasnt enough. I couldnt go back to sharing someone again, as despondent as I become at times about being alone.

 

I think a lot of the problems that woman have are in this post. It is LOADS of fun being alone. Or at least it had better be. I have MORE fun now (at 44) alone than I ever did when I was married since my late teens. I live a totally awesome life (and no, I don't have a lot of money) but I am enjoying my life, and because of that, people --both men and women-- want to be around me.

 

If you cant have fun without a man in your life, then I posit you will not be able to have fun with a man in your life.

 

And who's problem is that? yours!

 

To "catch" a man, especially us older women, you must have a life that is fun and exciting because no one is going to go into a relationship with a person that is waiting for someone to come along before they start having fun.

 

Does that make sense?

[CarrieT]

OK, so the next time I run into a lady at a wine tasting who doesn't have a wedding ring on (very rare IME), I'll ask her out to send you good karma

 

Thanks, Carhill! I appreciate it...

[jj33]

I think a lot of the problems that woman have are in this post. It is LOADS of fun being alone. Or at least it had better be. I have MORE fun now (at 44) alone than I ever did when I was married since my late teens. I live a totally awesome life (and no, I don't have a lot of money) but I am enjoying my life, and because of that, people --both men and women-- want to be around me.

 

If you cant have fun without a man in your life, then I posit you will not be able to have fun with a man in your life.

 

And who's problem is that? yours!

 

To "catch" a man, especially us older women, you must have a life that is fun and exciting because no one is going to go into a relationship with a person that is waiting for someone to come along before they start having fun.

 

Does that make sense?

 

SBC you misinterpreted my response. I am fortunate to live a wonderful and interesting life and have wonderful people in my life all over the world but I prefer being in a relationship to not being in a relationship.

[SoMovinOn]

Ladies... I think as a guy, I am allowed to tell you this. The major problem with women of any age finding a decent single guy is because, *most* men are morons! They are very much into drinking, farting, belching, watching other men play games with each other, and talking about those men. They treat women like ****, and don't understand what her problem is when she points this out. ... yeah, not all of them - some of they are more like that, some are, but to a lesser extent.

 

Which leaves the few guys are are NOT like that, and a bunch of them, realizing this, are more than happy to take advantage of their status and date more than one woman (or marry one and date others), which makes even them a not so desirable catch.

 

By the time you whittle the pool down to single men who are not morons in some way or another, you're left with very few to choose from... and you have to wade through all the crap to find them.

 

I do not envy your position at all. I know some may find this post humorous, but, it is, sadly, for the most part, very true.

[MissBee]

Perhaps they're all loved up on their GFs, which is why they have no need to date you?

 

I don't date married guys...so I'm not quite seeing your point. Any married man trying to date me would get shut down and is not among those I'd consider great...however, I have no problem pointing them in the direction of willing OW who will hand them the affair rules as they desperately jump through hoops.

[MissBee]

And wow is Doos post discouraging. Sunset I do think its possible to meet someone at 43, 53 or 73. People meet other people all the time at all ages. Its just a matter of time and fate (IMHO). The right oppotunity will come along. Its just a matter of time. Many men go for younger women but many men dont. It really depends on the man. And more and more women are dating younger men so age is not as absolute an issue as it once was.

 

Very true!

 

Like I said, I am young and it makes no difference. It depends on your standards too, as I am sure I could get a man at any moment if I wanted some sleazy married/taken or single guy I wasn't into either, but at this point in life I'm dating with a purpose, so have no need to tie myself to anyone with a pulse just because.

 

I am all for quality and quality for me often means that if 100 men approach me I am sure I will only be interested in about 3 and maybe only 1 stands a chance.

 

 

I went to my grandmother's friend's wedding the other day and she is well into her 60s and it was a gorgeous, all out wedding! She had been widowed for 10 years and wasn't out scouting for a new man but he fell right into her lap, they courted for about 2 years and then got married! If it can happen for her and countless others, it can happen for you too.

 

I still have to choke back laughter at those bragging about their married boyfriends, lmao honestly...*side eye* .....whatever floats your boat but it in no way makes you sounds sophisticated and happy (by my standards--and that's all that matters to me) and you can keep that situation for yourself.

[lynne76]

This has been a big issue for me as well, and dozens of my single girlfriends. We are all in our early to mid-thirties. Mostly early thirties. One of the things that led me to my MM was the fact that at 33 (at the time) I had not had any physical attention in over four years. As a woman in my so-called "prime of life" that was so hard to deal with. I had made numerous attempts at dating single men, and even tried to become involved with some that I had real doubts about, simply because people would urge me to "give them a chance" but none of them worked out, even a little bit. I NEVER set out to fall for a married man, but the moment we met -- and I do mean the very instant -- I was toast. We connected on every level I had ever longed for and when we touched I melted -- not just sexually, but in every way possibly. People need physical affection and I was starved for it in so many ways....it wasn't the only factor that made me fall for him, but it was there. Now that we are no longer in the A, I am still trying to "keep my eyes open" for single men but they really just don't seem to exist. I have a beautiful, smart, interesting girlfriend who hasn't been on a date in ten years, she is 34. There are numerous other examples of the same in my social circle. So I don't know what to do sometimes....go through life without any physically or emotional affection, or "take what I can get" from my xMM and try not to let it destroy his life and his marriage....or from the dozens of other MM that hit on me (and that I rebuke) for that matter. It is so hard. I sometimes feel like I've been burdened with the responsibility to tell married men to go home to their wives, because it happens all the time....so here I am, helping OTHER women have secure marriages (save for my own xMM, I know) and meanwhile, I sleep alone. I'm 35 now and I feel like I'll go through life completely alone. I can't buy into the law of attraction because I have had major phases where I do everything in my "power" to attract single men...but they don't exist it seems like. Virtually every single girlfriend I have (all chronically single) admit the same thing. Maybe it is demographics, I don't know. But it is a tough life to deal with sometimes. I miss being touched and loved.