Buttercup84 Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Dear J, So it has been over three months now since our break up. I am feeling very up and down still , I think I am healing a bit though. I am still very confused about my feelings. I still love you and at the moment I would take you back in a heartbeat. Despite all our problems and fights , I still felt a connection between us that was unique to both of us.You said I was love at first sight , as so were you for me. You made me more romantic and brought all my walls down. I never believed someone could love me the way you did , I never thought I would love being all gooey and romantic. I loved our pet names for eachother , our little gifts and cute little messages. I miss them so much. I am so sorry how I was at first , it hurts me I hurt you then.You know why I was cold at first , but you know I loved you very fast. I know you really wanted that baby , and I wanted too.I am so sorry for all that , it still haunts me and I will forever regret it.We would have been amazing parents and you would , will be an amazing dad. We were different in so many ways but we had so many laughs and our little jokes and rituals. I just wish you asked me how I was after the abortion , it affected me badly. I wasn't able to talk to you about it , I wanted to so badly. You hurt me a lot with the name calling and being so distant later.When you stopped taking me out for dinner because you were ashamed that I didn't eat my entire meal sometimes. It made me cry and you didn't care. I wish you took care of me when I was sick , and not get annoyed . If I lost a few days at work because of glanduar fever , who cares ? you were so worried about money it made things worse. I didn't lose my job on purpose and you know my boss there let me go on good terms and was sorry for it.I didn't lose it for being lazy. I felt like you were punishing me , I am not perfect. I tried so hard to make this work for us , I changed a lot about me but you never looked at your flaws. I always accepted your flaws but I felt so imperfect.You rejected me for sex and always made excuses.How many men would reject their girlfriend that often ? I am attractive , have a good body and desired you so much.Yet you didn't want me anymore. And you lied about having a dating profile , spoke badly about me to your friends.Why ? I never did that , it was private. I always said nice things about you no matter what. I made mistakes of course.But I can admit to them and learn.But you were emotionally abusive to me and can't see it. Maybe you need a girl who is more for you , you does not speak up as much. You are not a bad person but need to seek help too. I had to tread on egg shells around you. Your temper scared me sometimes and when I told you that, you told me to leave.Who would want their girlfriend to be scared of them ? You stole something from a shop once , you threatend to beat people up but didn't have the guts to ask the neighbours to turn down the music , you sent me over. I am half the size of you ! I hated that you wanted to move to Brisbane three times , just decided you will move within a month.If I come , that is Ok.You did not know what you were doing to me. I have two dates lined up , while I do not want a boyfriend , maybe I will meet someone who loves me for who I am.Who won't be ashamed of me and who will be proud. I love you but you hurt me a lot. I am sorry for hurting you J , but you need to see your faults as well.Stop blaming others for everything in life. I will always love you and thank you for all the good times.You are my first love and will always mean something to me. I wish you all the love in the world xxx
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