dreamcity Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 My boyfriend and I broke up about a month and a half back. In fact, the decision was made a good month before that. It was sort of mutual (we've always had some problems, along with some great times) but the timing and final decision were his. Now he's being cold and distant with me, which, from reading the forums, I see is kind of common. He started being a bit cold the day we finally parted, though still called me at the airport a few times... and then never initiated contact again once I arrived in my home country. (Sorry, distance confusing all of this)! General consensus seems to be that he's trying to spare my feelings and not "lead me on." I'm so incredibly insulted by this. As I say, I knew the relationship had problems, and I don't think I want to get back together. But he was a special person in my life for four years and as we live in different countries and will hardly see each other/not likely to get back together anyway, I see no reason why we can't be friends. The coldness hurts possibly more than the break-up. I don't want things as they were before, and I don't want daily phone calls, but I do want some communication. We were always good friends. Any ideas how I should approach this.
TheDovic Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 In what way is he being cold? Where you always in a long distance relationship given you appear to be from different countries?
M2155 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 You shouldn't approach it. If you feel the need to confront him on it, just send a text/email (whatever your preferred method of low-contact communication) saying you understand he needs some time to adjust to your new relationship and to contact you when he needs a friend. You're entering a completely different relationship and some people need time to process, think, recover, heal etc... for their own good. He may not be being cold to you intentionally, just treating it as you've broken up. . He may want some time to deal with his feelings and work on moving on because it's very hard to be friends until a good amount of time has passed and the romantic feelings are gone. It can be confusing to stay in communication when you're relationship has changed. Give him some space for a while, he won't forget you.
Author dreamcity Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 @The Dovic: We were kind of 50/50, either long distance or living together. This was surely one of the problems, but by no means the only one.
Author dreamcity Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Oh, and by cold I mean never initiating contact, replying when initiated with as few tiny words as possible. We're talking a two word lacklustre response when I wrote to say I'd finished my thesis (which I'd been working on all summer at his) or generally brushing me off with "I have to go do this..." He's not being uncivil, just... cold.
TheDovic Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 My ex and I broke up two months ago (also following a 4 year relationship - seems to be the doomed number on this site!!!). She'd like to believe it was a mutual decision but in reality I didn't want to break up. Although I said the words "so we're broken up" she told me she was unhappy and we could not resolve our differences! She wants to be friends and like you seems insulted that I don't initiate contact (she does 2/3 times per week), and she feels I have been distant. The reality of the situation is that every time she contacts me it hurts so much because I love her, so the reason I don't initiate contact is due to the pain involved. My ex hasn't a clue how much the breakup has affected me because I have put a very convincing brave face on it when she texts. My point is this: Maybe your ex doesn't contact you because it hurts him so much. Regardless of who dumped who, 4 years cannot be easily forgotten about. I think you should be open and honest with him and tell him you would like to remain friends and ask him outright why he's being distant. I understand I sound like a hypocrite here cos I haven't been honest about my own feelings, but unlike you I want my ex back and want to get my life together before reinitiating any contact because I'm a mess at the moment.
TheDovic Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Just seen your other post about the text messages... This is EXACTLY what I've been doing with my ex when she texts. I'll text back and forth a few times giving very little away and then break contact randomly by telling her I have something to do. Our stories seem scarily similar!
M2155 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 But "remaining friends" is still difficult until you've combed through your feelings because your relationship is different. I want to be friends with my ex, but I can't right now until my feelings are indifferent toward him. You can tell him how you feel, but respect his need to have some distance for a while. I also agree if you want the person back, that's different and in that case you shouldn't be so friendly that they actually "friend-zone" you.
Author dreamcity Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 @M2155: Hmmm, I don't know that I want to be indifferent at the moment, but I do want some friendship. I think it's exacerbated in our case because having lived abroad for years together, I feel I don't have so many friends. I in no way want to be dependent emotionally, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to who isn't my mother. That's a bit unfair, I do have friends, but anyway... @The Dovic: That sounds hard, but thank you for the insight. I part of me would like to believe he just ignores me because he's sad, but I feel I'd be deluding myself. But maybe because it's foreign to my nature. I'm sad/mad, I want to talk about it, he's sad/mad, he doesn't say a word. Gender stereotypes.
TheDovic Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Find it really difficult to believe he's not feeling pain at the moment. I've been on this site for months now and there seem to be two types of men - the ones who are overly emotional towards their ex and the ones who try to act like they're coping really well... ALL of us men on this site have one thing in common however - we're all suffering!!! One of my best friends recently left his wife after being REALLY unhappy for years. He told me he thought he'd feel a lot of relief about this, but even though he doesn't want her back (not even one tiny bit) he is completely miserable and finds everyday extremely difficult. Like me he has very little contact with his ex as it hurts him despite not having any romantic feelings for her at all. So maybe he is just a cold person, but after four years (and if you didn't do anything really bad like cheating) I believe he is still really suffering. Whether or not this has anything to do with him acting cold is anyones guess, but in my experience it would make sense.
TheDovic Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Dreamcity can I ask you a question, just because your situation is quite similar to mine? Do you think you could just be friends with your ex? If so, if he wanted more than that would you take him back?
Author dreamcity Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 I've certainly managed to be friends with my other exes, for the most part. If my ex wanted me back I would likely take him back, although I think it wouldn't be a very good idea. But I don't think that he does! Anyway, as he said at the time, and I agree, "If we don't break up now we'll only break up in a couple of years and it'll be worse and you'll hate me." Which is all quite true. I expect we'll have a depressing fling or two before this is all over, unless of course he's seeing someone new. Which would be even more depressing. Stupid relationships.
TheDovic Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I've certainly managed to be friends with my other exes, for the most part. If my ex wanted me back I would likely take him back, although I think it wouldn't be a very good idea. But I don't think that he does! Anyway, as he said at the time, and I agree, "If we don't break up now we'll only break up in a couple of years and it'll be worse and you'll hate me." Which is all quite true. I expect we'll have a depressing fling or two before this is all over, unless of course he's seeing someone new. Which would be even more depressing. Stupid relationships. Stupid stupid relationships!!! Sure if we didn't laugh we'd cry lol
Recommended Posts