ggazoo Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Ok, I'm a complete jerk, and I'm going to tell you why. Sit back, this may be long. Hopefully I can get some help and advice without anyone being judgmental. First thing's first, I was in an unhappy marriage. Because of this, I joined an online dating site to see what's out there. I know that was a huge mistake - I should have ended my marriage first - but fear of hurting my wife, disappointing my friends and family, and losing everything kept stopping me. As soon as I joined the site, I met this amazing woman. The chemistry was incredible, but I didn't tell her that I was married. I suppose I was being selfish, because it was my fear that if I told her, then she wouldn't want to see me anymore. Well, I eventually did tell her, and while she tried to hang on at first, my worst fears were realized and she ended it. It hurt more than anything because I had fallen in love with her. Flash forward a few months. I got in touch with her again, and she was willing to see me. After talking, she wanted to give me another chance - but I lied again. I told here that I had ended my marriage when I hadn't. I just wanted to be with her so badly. So, one lie turned into another, until I had an intricate web of lies that I couldn't untangle. But lying to her so much for so long was killing me, so I had to confess. If I truly loved her, so had to know the truth. And I convinced myself that if she truly loved me, we could work through it. I was wrong. She freaked out, and wrote me an email that she never wanted to see me again. And that, in my opinion, was were the problems really started - everything was done through email. She cut me off completely, and it was unbearable to deal with. So, I desperately tried to reach out to her - I sent her things, tried to talk to her friends... nothing was working. It came to a point where she started to get really freaked out. She actually called the police and accused me of harassing her. The funny things is, I can totally understand why she did that - without talking to me, and emailing instead, she painted this picture of me that just wasn't true. She's convinced that I'm this creepy, pathological liar who was was almost stalking her. The truth is through, I'm just a normal guy who fell madly in love and made a ton of mistakes. After the police came to my door, I obviously stopped trying. But I still love her, and I don't know what to do, and that's what's frustrating... I can't do anything. She told me that she loved me, and that we were soul mates - but I also know that she went back to the online dating site rather quickly... knowing that, and how she handled the situation, did she love me at all? Do I have any chance of her coming back? All I want is a call to say that she misses me, or that she's thinking of me. Or even that she's sorry how she handled things. How can someone say they are in love, but then bury it so fast? Is she in denial? That was really the Coles Notes version. I'd be more than happy to provide more details if it'll help.
DontWorryBHappy Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 So... your marriage is actually over now or what?
Author ggazoo Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Yes, my marriage is over, I'm separated.
M2155 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Wow I would have done the same thing she did. It's hard to say if she really loved you based on this, it could go either way. Her going back to the dating site is no indication, why not if the person didn't work out you know? The problem is she can't trust you and without trust, there can be no relationship. You cheated on your wife which is a dealbreaker for me and then you lied, twice. So forget about love, it's trust that is your biggest hurdle. I don't know how long you were seeing this woman but I've known a few guys who were married or in very long relationships and once they find someone new and "exciting," they get so caught up in feeling alive again, that they think they've met the love of their life and eventually it falls apart. I'm not saying that is or is not the case as you did say she thought you were soul mates as well, just bevery sure. I would have to say you ruined it:(. Again, it's the trust. Maybe in some time you can send her a card or something with a copy of your finalized divorced papers and let her know you haven't stopped thinking about her and apologize for the wrongs and what you would be willing to do to regain her trust enough to speak to you again. Then leave the ball completely in her court.
name goeshere Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I would not say anything about not stopping thinking about her. That build upon the negative feelings she has for you which are rooted in not stopping thinking about her. Just sent her a simple note with a copy of the papers telling her she deserves the truth, nothing more, nothing less. It is 100% up to her at this time and everything you do will just hurt your chances more. Time, the truth, and her choice are all that can fix it now.
M2155 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I would not say anything about not stopping thinking about her. That build upon the negative feelings she has for you which are rooted in not stopping thinking about her Good point.
name goeshere Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Good point. Hell I can understand and comprehend the reason of what to do to give advice but I can't listen to my own self and follow it. lol
Author ggazoo Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 (edited) It's hard to say if she really loved you based on this, it could go either way. Her going back to the dating site is no indication, why not if the person didn't work out you know? Than you so much for replying, means a lot. I think as far as the dating site goes, I suppose I was hurt by how quickly she did it. It was literally a few short days after I confessed. I guess I can't understand how someone can say they are in love one day, and then the next be willing to meet someone new. Maybe in some time you can send her a card or something with a copy of your finalized divorced papers and let her know you haven't stopped thinking about her and apologize for the wrongs and what you would be willing to do to regain her trust enough to speak to you again. Then leave the ball completely in her court. As much as I would love to do that, I can't. The police made it very clear that if I tried to contact her again, they would arrest me. So hard to take that she did that. I wrote a diary of the whole thing... what I was going through, my feelings for her... and I threw a Hail Mary pass by mailing that to her. She ended up giving it to the police as 'evidence'. Sigh. The whole thing is a huge mess, and she doesn't understand who I really am or what I meant. You're right about the trust though. I just don't know how to ever get it back. Edited September 18, 2011 by ggazoo
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